There once was a boy named Harry Potter. Harry Potter was no ordinary boy, no, Harry Potter was not a muggle. Harry Potter was a wizard. And Harry Potter was a very special wizard indeed. Harry Potter was extraordinary, in that he was The Boy That Lived. This means that Harry Potter faced He Who Must Not Be Named, also known as Voldemort (GASP, who said that?), and lived. Harry Potter has a lightning-shaped scar on his brow, or forehead. Harry Potter is a Very Special Boy.
Now, Harry Potter was always considered to be…different, by his family, the odious and hateful Vernon Dursley, the rather ugly Petunia Dursley, and the fat and worthless Dudley Dursley. This is because Harry Potter's parents died a very long time ago, and Harry Potter was sent to live with the Dursleys. They did not like this, and so they treated Harry Potter as a servant. But one day, Harry Potter's Letter came, meaning that he was to go to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry for schooling in the magical arts. Naturally, the Dursleys were unhappy to receive this Letter, as they quite enjoyed having a servant about to fetch and carry things and cook and clean and such. But then Hagrid came, and they had no choice but to let Harry Potter go to Hogwarts.
Now, you might think that living with the Dursleys for so long would have taught Harry Potter some humility, maybe taught him to be nicer. You would be wrong. Harry Potter was an insufferable boy, always whining about how he had all these talents and good things happen to him. He was such a terror that many important historians believe that is why the Slytherin house of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry did not like him. To be honest, it did make sense. Harry Potter was a Very Special Boy indeed, but he was also a Brat and also a Meanie Head too.
Along his way to becoming a Top Wizard and Very Special Boy, Harry Potter met some lovely friends to guide and help him. Harry Potter was always very whiny, but that is perfectly okay with these fine companions. His compadres are known as Hermione Granger, the genius girl who doesn't put up with anything except Harry Potter, and Ron Weasley, the red-headed boy who is deathly afraid of everything and also just so happens to own a rat.
As you will no doubt hear more about Ron today's story progresses, let me tell you just a bit about Hermione. Hermione was a girl who was a half-blood, that is, mudblood, meaning that she had one parent a wizard and one parent not. As she was really quite nerdy, she was often teased. More often than not, she was teased about her blood lines. And as this was really quite unfair of those children, and she knew it, she began to build up a wall of protection. This protection was usually an aloof sneer and being generally too big for her own metaphorical britches. Many of the same important historians that inferred about Slytherin also often believed that it was Harry Potter that Hermione should have been in love with and marry, not Ron, but they are quite wrong. You see, Harry Potter's original story was written by a supposedly brilliant woman, who went by the name of J.K. Rowling. Those important historians often worshiped her and called her the next Shakespeare. Now, J.K. was really quite something special to have written down all the accounts of Harry Potter, but she was no Shakespeare, as there is only one Shakespeare. And, in a series of interviews, J.K. announced that Harry Potter and Hermione were simply not meant to be, and that these historians should stop getting their pants in a knot because Harry Potter and Hermione would not be hooking up in this lifetime or any others after it. You see, J.K. was the ultimate Harry Potter historian, and therefore she knew everything there was to be about him and his pals.
Anyway, together, Harry Potter, Hermione, and Ron had many adventures through the world of the magical, as well as a few adventures in the muggle world. But in the end, all that mattered was that Hermione and Ron loved each other. And that was all anyone could focus on for the rest of the series.
Today, we join our hero in Hogwarts again, for a lovely tale of Harry Potter's schooling days. Harry Potter and friends had just stepped into the Great Hall, the place where everyone ate great things in a hall. Everything was as everything is supposed to be, as in, normal. Old Dumbledore began his long welcoming speech that everyone pretended to listen to, when, in fact, only the first year students listened to. Harry Potter and Company were, at this point, already third year students, so they felt Old and Wizened by this speech. This meant that they were like stupid seventh graders who think they know everything and are allowed to make fun of the younger students (like sixth graders) when they really don't and aren't.
After the meal, Harry Potter and Ron made their way up to the dorm where they thought they would be staying. When they reached their hallowed Gryffindor picture, the Fat Lady, they were turned away.
"Now, now, children, you are to stay in that bedroom down yonder hall," the Fat Lady sang. "This dorm is being renovated. Quite a shock, yes, I know. A shock indeed. I simply cannot sleep with all this ruckus going on behind me. At every waking hour, indeed! I cannot believe that our beloved Old Dumbledore has allowed this to go on. A foul plot of the Ministry of Magic is afoot, my lovelies. A foul plot indeed. I just…oh…"
When uninterrupted, the Fat Lady could blather on for hours without even realizing that her audience had fallen into a Talk-Induced Slumber or been Driven to Run Away. And so the latter is what Harry Potter and Ron did. They were Driven to Run Away by the Fat Lady's Very Long Speech. They decided to go down yonder hall to the bedroom in which they would be staying.
This bedroom was full of old furniture, the type Old People enjoy sitting on and saying "I don't know. I just…I don't know. Tea and crumpets, yes? I just don't know. Fetch me a coaster, my dear laddie boy. I don't know." Harry Potter took one long look around his new lodgings and began a long-winded Declaration.
"I, Harry Potter, do take this room and the room we are in to become my new lodgings. I, Harry Potter, do approve of this room and the room we are in. I, Harry Potter, wish to take my hand and the hand that is attached to my wrist and place it upon the bed, to test the bounciness of this bed, which I hear-by declare to be the bed in which I will be sleeping and also slumbering. I, Harry Potter, declare that you, Ronald, should do the same unto your own mattress, and see that it is to your liking. If it is not, then I, Harry Potter, will summon an owl to me and myself. Then I, Harry Potter, shall sit at this desk, the desk which I will sit at, and write a long and boring, boring and long, complaint to the decorators of this room, the people who have taken this room, and decorated it. Is that to your liking, Ronald?" he asked, in his grand, booming voice of power. Harry Potter had that "I'm a hero and you're not, so nyah nyah to you. I can talk to important people and you can't. Nyah," attitude on him.
"Harry Potter, I have a secret!" Ron said by way of reply.
"My dearest Ronald, have you not heard a word of what I, Harry Potter, just Declared?" Harry Potter asked, while taking his hand and the hand that is attached to his wrist and placing it upon the bed, testing the bounciness of that bed, which he had declared to be the bed in which he slept and slumbered.
"Of course I did, Harry Potter! Don't you want to hear my secret? Huh? Huh? Don'tcha? Don'tcha?" Ron asked.
"What is this, a bedroom of secrets? I, Harry Potter, simply cannot live in a Bedroom of Secrets such as this. I, Harry Potter, shall send for the Potter of Secrets, and he shall bring me a pot that shall be named the Pot of Secrets. This Pot of Secrets shall be the decoration that this room and the room we are in needs to become a Bedroom of Secrets. Do you agree, Ronald? Will you join me on my quest and journey to find this Potter of Secrets? It shall be a perilous journey, and a journey of peril. Are you, Ronald, ready for such a quest? Or shall you decide to stay back in this room and the room we are in, full of fear and fearful? What say you, oh my greatest pal and friend?" Harry Potter said in his long and drawn out manner.
"S-s-so I'd-d h-have to s-s-stay h-here? A-alone?" Ron stammered, full of fear and fearful as Harry Potter predicted.
"Why, of course, Ronald! That is what I, Harry Potter, said and spoke, is it not?" Harry Potter let out a great chuckle of hilariosity.
"Then I'm coming with you, Harry Potter!" Ron said, looking up to Harry Potter with such a look of adoration that people across the nation cringed at the further inflation of Harry Potter's ego.
"Then let us begin our great journey and quest to the wondrous home of the famed Potter of Secrets. He shall lead us to the Pot of Secrets. Tally ho, pip pip and cheerio, good buddy, my pallio Ronald!" Harry Potter boomed. With that, he turned and flung open the door to the hallway and began galloping off on his imaginary Noble Steed.
Harry Potter and Ron galloped down all the numerous flights of stairs in the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. On occasion, Ron tripped and Harry Potter had to reign in his Noble Steed and turn back to help him.
"Buh-but Harry Potter, I falled down again! I dun wanna geddup! Dun make me geddup! Go without me, Harry Potter!" Ron cried one such occasion.
"Nay, Ronald! Nay, I, Harry Potter, say! You must rise again! Conquer your fear as I, Harry Potter, have done and did with the hideous Voldemort! Do not let your clumsiness get in the way of our great quest and journey, Ronald! Nay! Rise again from the cold marble steps of this esteemed establishment and gallop on with me! Gallop, Ronald, gallop! Forward, I, Harry Potter, say! Forward!" Harry Potter yelled. Students who were gathering to watch the Great Harry Potter and his pitiful side-kick Ron find the Potter of Secrets clamped hands upon their ears, as Harry Potter's voice was rather loud and obnoxious.
Harry Potter and Ron got up, dusted themselves off, and continued galloping out onto the grounds of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry until they came to the edge of the Forest. No, this is not the Enchanted Forest. That Forest is on the other end of the school. No, this Forest was just a simple Forest, full of Marauding Marauders and Thieving Thieves, Attacking Attackers and Lost Lost-People. It contained Untamed Beasts of No Particular Name, as well.
"Ronald! Behold! The Wondrous Forest of Horrible Things! Let us continue to gallop through it until we come to the home of the Potter of Secrets! Gallop, Ronald, gallop! Tally ho!" Harry Potter exclaimed upon reaching the outer boundary of the forest.
Ron looked a bit scared and slightly pale, as in the color of a freshly bleached bed-sheet, or fresh snow. That color. It was slightly horrifying. Never the less, in a rare show of bravery, Ron followed timidly on the heels of the Gallant and Dashing Harry Potter.
Harry Potter galloped through the Wondrous Forest of Horrible Things with very minor incident. He came across a group of Thieving Thieves once, but as soon as he alerted them to who he was, they immediately joined him in a complicated song and dance number. It was quite a Sight to behold. The Thieving Thieves then proceeded to follow Harry Potter and Ron to their destination, occasionally whistling a merry tune along the way.
"Look, Harry Potter! Look! It's the great House of the Potter of Secrets! Let's go inside! Can we, can we, can we please?" Ron pleaded. After dismissing the Thieving Thieves, Harry Potter addressed Ron.
"Indeed it is, my dear Ronald. Let us enter the establishment in front of us and search out the Potter of Secrets, that we might find the Pot of Secrets and finally finish our quest for the perfect potted plant to complete our Bedroom of Secrets. Onward to victory!" he exclaimed.
Harry Potter then led his way into the House of the Potter of Secrets and began his search. Seeing how there were only three rooms in the House, he found the Potter relatively quickly and without much adventure. There was that one time, however, that he stumbled over a rug and challenged the rug to a magical duel, which he promptly lost as soon as the rug fell behind a mirror, which then reflected Harry Potter's next spell back to him, causing him to become a hairless mole rat. Ron had some difficulty changing him back, and as a result, it was a very bald Harry Potter that greeted the Potter of Secrets.
"Hello, great Potter! My name is Harry Potter!" Harry Potter greeted him.
Now, you must understand, the Potter of Secrets is Very Old. And because he is Very Old, he has a terrible affliction of his ears, called Bad Hearing. This disease causes him to have terrible hearing, and so he often cannot hear what is being said. The Potter also has a rather bad case of Saggy Skin and a milder case of Old People Clothing. And so Harry Potter's next adventure was to be epic in the minds of both students and the Potter alike.
"Eh? Harry what? I am the Potter, what's yer last name, boy?" The Potter said, cupping a hand around his ear in an attempt to help his Bad Hearing.
"My name is Harry Potter, sir! We have come-," The Potter cut him off.
"Eh? What's that boy? I am the Potter! Your name is Harry, izzat right, boy? What's yer last name? And who's that adorable little girl with yeh?" The Potter asked.
"Yes sir, my name is Harry Potter, and this is Ronald. We have come searching to find the Pot of Secrets to furnish our new Bedroom of Secrets! Might you be able to help us?" Harry Potter asked very patiently.
Now, due to the Potter's Bad Hearing, what he heard was this:
"Yes sir, my name is Harry, Potter, sir. This is Ronnelda. We have come searching for Pot to burnish- oh, Bedroom, sir! Bedroom Secrets. You might be able to help us."
Which was quite obviously not what Harry Potter said in the first place, but with Bad Hearing, you can't help these things. They just happen.
"So yer name is Harry Bedroom? Nice name, laddie boy. But what's a couple o' nice kids like yerselves doin' with pot? And burnishin' things? Eh? I cain't help yeh with them things. What's this I hear about Bedroom Secrets? Those ain't things for a couple o' proper kids like yerselves neither, now are they? You look like a nice girl, Ronnelda, don'tcha get all messed up early, now, yeh hear me?" the Potter said. Harry Potter decided to roll with what the Bad Hearing had messed up and tried to help the Potter out a bit.
"No sir, you see, sir, we do not like this thing you call "pot." We would never do such a thing with a pot, sir. But we are looking for a specific plant, possibly put in a pot with secrets? I, Harry Potter, believe it's called the Pot of Secrets, sir," Harry Potter tried to explain in a graceful manner.
Unfortunately, the Potter did not quite catch all that. Fortunately, he caught enough to be able to help the boys.
"Aye, izzat so? Ah well, c'mere, Harry Bedroom, my lad. And you too, Ronnelda, dear. I believe I have some sorta pot around here yous guys can use," The Potter, who Harry Potter feared was quite insane, puttered around in a great pile of pots for a period of time. When he emerged, he carried a small pot with him.
The Pot of Secrets itself is actually a very rare, very old relic that was hidden by the Ministry of Magic, being the devious, corrupted creatures that they are, who had wanted to keep the Pot secret from everyone else. You see, the Ministry feared that they would have to give up the precious prize for the Greater Good, and they were very much right. The Pot of Secrets was meant to be used for everyone, not hidden away and used only when nefarious plots were afoot.
Now, the real Pot was a great and majestic pot, filled with the richest dirt in the world and possibly the universe. The pot that the Potter pulled out was a very small pot, about the proper size to be set on a small window ledge. It had a small saucer to be put under it, and it was perfect for a small window garden.
It was most definitely not the Pot.
But Harry Potter and Ron did not know this. The Potter did, but he was not quite as insane as Harry Potter gave him credit for, and he was not willing to tell the two boys where the real Pot was. So he gave them the regular pot and told them that it was the pot they were looking for. Miraculously, they believed him.
"Hrm. Now where did that ol' pot get to?" the Potter mumbled to himself after passing the pot to Harry Potter. He puttered around in some cabinets under the sink for a bit before coming up with another small pot that carried a plant in it.
"Good sir, would you mind terribly telling me what exactly that plant is and what it is for?" Harry Potter asked.
"This? Ah, this here is some pot, my boy," the Potter replied. It was exactly what he said it was. It was weed, as he said.
"Yes, I know what the pot is. But what is that exquisite smelling plant you have there?" Harry Potter asked. Being the little naïve boy that he is, he did not realize that what the Potter was giving him was not only the pot he had asked for, but another type of pot as well.
The Potter merely shook his head at the silly boy and went about planting the pot in the pot.
"Ah. There you go, Harry Bedroom. Ronnelda, a pleasure, my dear," the Potter said, taking Ron's hand and kissing it. Ron was too red in the face to contradict the old man, and blushed furiously instead. Harry Potter laughed at the expression on his face. Meanwhile, Ron was already plotting about what he would do when he and Harry Potter reached Hogwarts again.
Harry Potter and Ron left the old house at a gallop, picking up the Thieving Thieves along the way for guidance and companionship, as well as to have some semblance of a guard until they reached the edge of the Forest. With one last complicated dance and song number celebrating their great accomplishment of finding the Pot of Secrets, the Thieving Thieves and Harry Potter and Ron parted ways, never to see each other again.
Harry Potter proceeded to put the pot in the Bedroom, and grew the weed every day.
Ron, meanwhile, was spreading the word that Harry Potter's new nickname was Harry Bedroom.
Something you may not know about weed: over time, it can give off pollen that tends to have the effect of becoming high on a person who inhales the pollen.
And so Harry Potter lived out the rest of his days at Hogwarts being called Harry Bedroom, because, for all his grandeur, he was actually a very wishy-washy person and not prone to stick up for himself.
And all during year three at Hogwarts, Harry Potter and Ron walked around completely stoned out of their minds due to the pollen of weed. Which is why, when you read the third book in the critically acclaimed and critically over-hyped book series, the Harry Potter series, Harry Potter and Ron tend to make some very bad choices. It is also why the third book is often the most popular book of the series.
Harry Potter and Ron never did figure out that they had been tricked by the Potter. The Potter, of course, died eventually. And he took his secret to the grave with him. The pot that Harry Potter owned is currently on display in the Ministry of Magic, which aides them great amounts, as they no longer have to hide the fact that they have the Pot. They simply set out the wrong Pot when asked to see it.
The moral of our little story today? Never do pot, as you will end up a stupid, egotistical little boy who constantly makes bad decisions and essentially screws up his life, only to be nearly killed again and again.
The End.