Chapter 1: Mariana
Dear Jesus,
I don't know why I'm writing this. I mean, it isn't like you'll ever see it but I just feel so empty and overwhelmed with hurt since you've been gone. I'm so angry and upset at the world right now. Why? Why? Why?! You broke your promise Jesus. The one we made the first night that we spent in the Foster System. You pinkie promised that no matter what, you'd never leave. How dare you break that?! How dare the universe let the unbreakable pinkie promise get destroyed?!
God, it seems like just yesterday it was our tenth birthday and we went to the ice rink. I kept laughing and making fun of you because you couldn't skate. The more you fell, the more I laughed. Man, those were the times.
I remember that time that Samila Goattlett bullied me and you came right in and would've smashed her face in if I hadn't held you back. You were always so brave and protective of those you loved and I never realized how much I loved that about you until you left.
Jesus I miss your smile that lit up the whole room, your laugh, your stupid insensitive jokes, your obnoxious questions and hell, I even miss our fights and screaming matches. I just miss everything about you. Jesus it was YOU that shined brighter than the sun. Babe it was YOUR laugh that lit up the whole world. Jesus, it was YOUR eyes that shined like the stars. It was all YOU! Because Jesus you are beautiful inside and out. Your face is beautiful, your heart is beautiful, everything about you is beautiful. (Oh wow, I can't believe I'm calling you beautiful.) Jesus words can't describe how much you meant to me. Because I love you more than words can describe. Jesus, I know you can't come back, but we really need you back. I need you back, Callie needs you back, Mike needs you back, Moms are fighting, crying, and just need you back, Jude is sleeping in your bed his face filled with dried tears, Brandon hasn't left his room, and Ana is convinced that this is all her fault. We all just need you back. Jesus we need your laugh, smile, jokes, heart, and everything about you.
I still remember all those times when Ana would get high and go crazy, but you'd be there to make me feel better. You were my rock. My anchor. You kept me stable when I broke apart. Now I have no anchor. I'm drowning out here and there's no one to hold me down and keep me safe without you. I don't know how I'm going to do this without you Jesus. You were the only person that i could trust for the first few years of my life. You were the best brother ever and you always kept me safe. You are my twin, my other half. Now half of me is gone.
Jesus, I know we didn't say it much, but I love you dearly. I'm sorry I didn't say it to you as much as you deserved. I love you so much and you'll always be with me in my heart.
Love,
Mariana