A/N: This is my first song fic. I do have other songs that I plan to write about, but I'm working on them:D I won't bother to post them. however, if this isn't to sucessful:/
Just to clear up on this, the bold is the song. How I did this is I told a story, and it is as if the song was playing while my story was. This one is in Edward's perspective. I used a scene from New Moon, one that you'll find on page 202 in chapter nine. I do suggest you read it, for it might make this more understandable. I had to reread it, anyways. Please tell me what you think! The song is called "Noots" by Sum 41. It's a great song, you all shoud listen to it:) Enjoy!
Today, it's too late,
How long do we have to wait.
I leaned against the wall of my room and slumped down. I wasn't sure how much longer I could do this. How much longer I'd have to sit here and hope she's okay. How much longer I'd be able to give her what I'd promised.
A life. Without me. Without having to shiver every second at the thought of what I could do. What I could do to her. Bella, my Bella.
Oh no, I think she knows,
That's why I can't let go.
Every second of the day, every thought that passed through my mind, endlessly tortured me. Could she possibly still love me? Could she be thinking of me the way I think of her? Even now, when I've abandoned her?
I feel this burning inside,
A feeling that no one should know.
I hoped to god that Bella was okay. My stomach twisted and turned at the memories, the voices, the images. I had once said that she was my life. That Bella was what was most important to me. I prayed to god that she was okay, but what did that mean? What did that mean??
This could be so good again,
I'd wait here till then.
It meant that I was praying to god she had moved on. That Bella was happy. That Bella wasn't tormented every second like I was. That Bella didn't cry herself to sleep or scream my name.
"Edward!" she cried, jolting upward.
"It's okay, Bella. I'm right here."
That she could be with another man. Happy and beloved.
But not with this,
So now I'll leave with
I couldn't bear the thought. I couldn't accept the fact that she may love someone else. That she'd forgot about me, and everything we did together. This would not work. It could not work.
I stood to my feet, and ran.
No apologies,
I never thought you'd be so
Easily deceived,
"You…don't…want…me?" She managed to whisper ever word with great effort.
I screamed at myself, screamed and screamed and screamed, until I'd remembered what I had came here to do. Bella didn't deserve me. She shouldn't be with me.
"No."
And at that moment, I had realized there was no going back. No room for a change of mind. Bella's face fell, her eyes lost. She was silent for a moment, comprehending my complete lie. I saw tears form in her eyes. Please, Bella, I thought. Please don't believe me. But my plan was sadly working, as much as I wished it wouldn't.
I had betrayed her.
Now I'll just hang my head (falling further out of place).
While I walk with the dead (all the lies I can't erase),
I'll just hang my head!
Over and over again, I faced the thoughts of my dead family, the thoughts that haunted my very existence. Why did you leave? She loves you! Can't you see that? You're only causing her more grief, Edward!
For the millionth time in many months, I had gone over what I had done. What I had done to my family, Bella, and myself. I learned that me, Edward Cullen, the all powerful, indestructible vampire was finally falling apart. My far beyond strong arms only held themselves now. My legs allowed me to run endless miles, crying in pain. I'd sit in the rain, feeling every drop of crystalline water roll down my face like eternal tears. I'd shiver, not from my unnatural coolness, but from my regret.
Regret. The only word that could describe how I felt at this very moment, this very second.
We're mad with regret,
Memories that we'll both forget.
So far it's been so hard,
To cover up these scars.
I see this falling apart,
It's easy to just let it go.
No luck between us both,
So why keep waiting.
I ran to Forks. I ran so fast, like my life depended on it. Like I had nothing to loose.
And I made myself believe one thing only. Whether it would happen or not, I made myself believe that Bella would welcome me with open arms.
I made myself believe.
But not with this,
So now I'll leave with
No apologies,
I never thought you'd be so
Easily deceived,
Now I'll just hang my head (falling further out of place).
While I walk with the dead (all the lies I can't erase),
I'll just hang my head!
What's left to show,
It's so bad but I got to know.
What's right don't know,
How to find it out on my own.
My eyes flamed as I got a visual of her house. I could hear nothing but my own quick footsteps. I finally stopped behind tree across from her home. I took a deep sniff, waiting for her familiar freesia scent to enlighten my lungs once more. But my eyes widened in horror, as I smelt something else. As I'd been running here, I felt my heart slowly mending itself, knowing I would see her again. But it quickly was shattered.
I wasn't sure if it could ever mend itself again.
(and here we go)
One by one we both fall down,
Who's the first one to hit the ground now.
(and here we go)
What's worse taking the fall,
Or be stuck standing alone.
(and here we go)
I'll keep your promises if you,
Take back every thing I said.
(and here we go)
I find its got so cold now,
That I've lost my heart and soul
"Happy Valentine's Day," I heard Jacob say sweetly. For a moment, I jumbled through my mind for the date. Was it already February 14th? It seemed I had been losing track of time. But something else hit me. Valentine's Day. The day where you admire your loved one. The day I had been waiting ever so patiently to spend with my Bella. And to find she had to spend it with someone else made me mad, at myself.
I gasped quietly, wanting to shred Jacob to pieces. He was talking to my Bella. I quickly ran to their direction.
And there she was.
Seeing Bella again suddenly lit my world of darkness. I cried with happiness, seeing she was well and healthy. And she seemed happy. More than ever, I secretly wished I'd been able to read her mind. Was there any part of her that thought of me on this special day?
My face fell, devistated, as he pulled out a pink box that I recognized as Conversation hearts.
"Well, I feel like a shmuck. Is today Valentine's Day?" Despite her voice being in such a distance, it made my mind dance. My insides flutter. An ounce of hope swept over me. Could she have lost track of time as well?
"You can be so out of it sometimes. Yes, it is the fourteenth day of February." I saw her smile warmly, and I felt like someone stabbed me. As if I was there in front of her, I smiled crookedly, a smile that always lit her eyes. But it soon faded, as Jacob stared more intently and passionately at her.
"So are you going to be my Valentine? Since you didn't get me a fifty-cent box of candy, it's the least you can do."
I growled inside. How dare he? How dare he ask her, and in such a way! I restrained myself from grabbing her away right then and there.
But a new line of thoughts made there way in my mind. Jacob was there, with Bella. He was there for her on Valentine's Day. What's wrong with you, Edward? Don't you see that because of Jacob, Bella isn't alone? She has someone to look up to! She finally has someone who always will be there for her.
I watched her shift slightly, a sign of discomfort. She needs me, I thought. She needs me, and I can't be there for her.
"What exactly does that entail?" she asked.
"The usual- slave for life, that kind of thing."
I growled, much louder this time, a rush of angriness consuming me. As if he'd understand what it's like to be a slave for life! How could those little, yet so powerful of words flow so easily out of his mouth? And how could he entitle that to Bella? I flared with anger.
I heard her huff out small laughter. I let out an unsteady flow of air and closed my eyes. I could not hear anymore of this. What was going on? I'll tell you what's going on! My inner self yelled. She's doing exactly what you asked of her! She's moving on. Jacob's in love with her; you shouldn't be surprised if she is too. Bella knows that Jacob will be there for her when she needs him. Unlike you, Edward.
So this is my fate. Sit back and watch the love of your life move on without you. I was a monster. But not a blood sucking one. I was a hurting, betraying, and deceiving monster. I had caused this mess. I had caused what I was witnessing now. And it tore me at how selfish I was. I could not; I would not take the only happiness Bella had left in this world.
Because if I'd do that, I'd be nothing more than evil.
I pledged myself guilty, forever and ever. Like a prisoner in it's cell, I had to face the consequences of my actions. Because if I didn't, things would only get worse.
I am no savior. I am no hero, or lover, or human.
I am a monster. And a monster I will always be.
No apologies,
I never thought you'd be so
Easily deceived,
Now I'll just hang my head (falling further out of place).
While I walk with the dead (all the lies I can't erase),
I'll just hang my head!
My head!
Before another second could pass, I fled. I fled like a pathetic coward. I was afraid. Yes, me, the vampire, afraid. Afraid of what might make their ways through my ears. Afraid of the reality. Afraid.
The second I began running, I heard Bella's voice for the last time. It held uncertainty and sounded uncomfortable. As if she was scared, too.
"Oh, well, if that's all…"
It sounded like she wasn't so thrilled. That she wasn't as happy as I thought she was. That maybe Jacob after all wasn't what she wanted.
But for both of our sakes, I made myself believe that it was a voice, and nothing more.
A voice I wished was real.
A/N: Earlier, I suggested that you read the scene from New Moon, and if you didn't, I'm telling you right now that Bella really did say that (and she did feel uncomfortable). But as you can see, Edward here refused to believe it was real. How sad:( If only he new! Anways, please review, and if this isn't loved by alot of people I won't post anymore because I'll know that I'm a sucky writer and it isn't worth it:D