Who Writes These Shenanigans?!
A/N: Welcome, one and all, to this unusual story. Now, I know you guys probably wanted a Weiss Reacts today, but this was an idea I've been waiting for weeks to do. And by weeks, I literally mean I forgot to ask the authors involved in these shenanigans for their blessing to feature them for weeks and only remembered now. This is also inspired by Hunterinahat's 'Beacon Open House', with a similar premise; go read it because my crappy writer self is in it and you can laugh at me. :P
Well, enjoy your...well, I don't know what to call this, a self-insert parody crack shipping fic? Yeah, let's call it that. Yeah!
Shoutouts to G.N Over-Kite, A0D and merikflame for allowing me to feature their awesomeness in this fic!
DISCLAIMER: RWBY belongs to Rooster Teeth, otherwise I would totally feature Monty himself here (sadly, doing this without permission is kinda bad and rude and I feel guilty)
All mentioned franchises belong to their respective owners.
One very totally boring afternoon in Beacon...
A blue-skinned man in ninja garb was leaning by the wall of a Dust shop. He looked like any other crappy cosplayer, but little did anyone know...
This was his true face. Not only this, but this was the true face of a god, descending upon Vytal's unworthy streets.
For this blue ninja was ElfCollaborator, shipper on deck extraordinaire, reactor to fics, creator of the psychotic Velvet and Weiss pairing, worshipper of Simon as the TRUE god of TTGL, and new convert to the cult of Mami Tomoe, High Prophet of Early Deaths. Oh, and did he mention, worshipper of Weiss' delicious flat chest? He did.
And, of course, secret superhero! It was true- on his spare time, when he wasn't bringing horrible terror to people by shipping everything with everything, or shipping everything with everything, or writing horrible White Rose lemons he never published, he patrolled the streets of Vytal, blending in with all the subtlety of a cat treading on piano keys.
He was waiting to meet with his partners-in-crime and fanfic-writing.
Gin Over-Kite, ever the reliable one, Elf's backup, oldest partner, and the person he acquired his beloved White Rose shipping from- indeed, Elf couldn't live without White Rose any more than Nora could live without pancakes.
Merik Flame, the badass firebrand who'd declared Elf his sempai, who followed in Elf's footsteps by perpetuating the cause of the Psychotic Snow Bunny ship- Elf's new word for a yandere Velvet-Weiss pairing.
Finally, Aya Oda, the mysterious, hooded person and their latest ally in crime, and secret fan-person of the wonderful Bartholomew Oobleck.
Together, they made team COMA!
"...in hindsight...that was a terrible name." Elf mumbled, finished praying to Tomoe-san to preserve his life and not let him die early from one of Nora's shenanigans or something.
"...yep, terrible name." He sighed, flipping a coin. "Where in the name of Monty-"
Suddenly, 'Ride of the Valkyries' blared from...a nearby speaker, advertising Wagner's famous opera in a theatre nearby. Elf looked up to see two people.
One was an adolescent boy, with brown hair in a plain-grey shirt and jeans, riding upon a pegasus made from flame. The other was a man with glasses and black hair, with a stout frame and a blue buttoned shirt over a white t-shirt and brown khakis, a fluorescent kite permanently covering his face; his glasses went over it- while holding a similar kite.
"Gin! Merik! So glad you could make it." Elf laughed.
"Elf, this better be important." Merik, the teenager, sighed. "I was busy loving Nanako! She's so adorable~"
"What's so important that you're not writing Weiss Reacts?" Gin, the other person, tilted his head. "I know you love writing that."
"I'll brief you all when Aya-" A loud boom was heard from behind, as the three writers turned to see a sleek, black motorcycle, with a robed person riding it, their face hidden by their hood, showing only two glowing yellow eyes, peering out of it and ahead. When they locked eyes with the shipper, they began to brake, turning their cycle to the side, facing Elf.
"Sorry I'm late." Aya brushed their hood of some dead insects. "You know how it is."
"Excellent, team COMA's all here!" Merik cheered.
"Can we not call it that, please?" Aya muttered.
"So, what was it again, Elf?" Gin turned to Elf, who shrugged, pulling out a scroll, with a live feed on it of a headquarters of the White Fang.
"Yeah, what about the White Fang?" Aya tilted his head.
"Remember, you guys are in the Reactsverse right now, right?" Elf nodded. "Good. Some poor author's decided he can write a self-insert of himself into MY universe."
"Uhuh." Gin nodded. "What's the insert like?"
"Typical. Dragon Faunus, met Weiss, Ruby, Yang and Blake when they were kids, his weapon's ripped off Tomoe-san's muskets with a chainsaw bayonet, AND his Semblance is essentially being invincible forever. And he's named something like 'Jonathan' or something like that." Elf facepalmed- he really hated reading about these Sues, and some fool of an author thought he could write one into the Reactsverse, apparently.
"Right, so, you're, like, the Reactsverse god, right?" Merik noted. "Why can't you wipe him out yourself?"
"Well, the author came in with him." Elf sighed. "His Sue-ishness is JUST enough to counter the power I gain from shipping."
"So, lemme get this straight, we're self-inserting," Aya gestured with their gloved hands. ",to beat a self-insert and their Sue creator?"
"Yes. And you three are self-inserting. I already exist as a separate entity from the real Elf." Elf shrugged.
Gin interjected. "Actually, I'm also a different person from the real G.N. Over-Kite-"
"And I'm not really merikflame, just his avatar-"
"D'you think I look like this in real life?" Aya facepalmed.
"You get my point!" Elf sighed. "We're just avatars with author powers fighting against the powers of Sues. Not self-inserts. "
"Excellent." Gin stretched his hands. "So, when do we go?"
"Now." Elf looked around to make sure nobody saw them- they would probably be mistaken from cosplayers to one of the various conventions in Vytal that day anyway- and lead the way to the warehouse.
"After all, what could possibly go wrong?" Merik cheerily reminded everyone.
"This went HORRIBLY wrong!" Merik shouted, crouching behind a crate. Elf was nowhere to be seen, the White Fang was hailing bullets on them, Aya was trying to get a shot of his Semblance off, but every time he tried to focus enough, a couple of stray bullets made him sit back down, and Gin's Semblance was useless here.
"You think?" Aya shouted over. "I can't even clear them out!"
"Elf, I swear!" Gin shouted over the din. "If we get out of this alive, I am going to kill you!"
"Where'd he go again?" Merik shouted over.
"I don't know!" Aya shouted back.
The White Fang pressed their advantage, attempting to force the three down with suppressive fire and superior numbers...when suddenly-
"PAAAAANCAKE!"
"What?!" Gin looked up over the crate he was hiding behind to see a very large barrel of pancake mix descend upon the unfortunate White Fang members shooting at them, knocking them unconscious and out of the way.
"Did Elf just..." Merik tilted his head.
"Oh god, not another antic." Aya's palm met his face for the umpteenth time that day.
Elf was sitting on top of it, laughing maniacally. "Who knew Pancake Land kept their stuff here?"
"You certainly took your sweet time." Aya remarked.
"Elf, if you do that again, I'm going to kill you." Gin muttered.
"What?" Elf pouted under his mask. "I saved you all with an antic! Not that you couldn't handle yourselves anyway!"
"Before we get into another stupid argument, weren't we here to beat up a Sue and their Suethor?"
"Ah, right." Elf tapped a finger on the barrel. "Yep, we're doing that now." He jumped down from the barrel, swinging his weapon; Crimson Blaze, a Dust-firing bow that he'd written in for a different fic- around to his front. Merik just clicked his fingers and fire appeared in them, while Aya and Gin just readied themselves.
"Guys, you ready?" The teen felt pumped.
"Yep." Gin swung his kite into his hands, as it suddenly hardened into a large mix between a kite-shield and a minigun.
Aya shrugged.
Elf chuckled. "I guess we should totally do our team motto."
"Yeah!" Merik nodded.
"No." Aya grumbled.
"Well, since we're having fun, why not?" Gin shrugged. "Let's do it."
"I miss it when Gin was sane too..." The robed person facepalmed.
"I AM sane!"
Jonathan Hughes, dragon Faunus and leader of the White Fang, and childhood friend-turned lover of Weiss, was readying his plan to take over Beacon and retrieve the love of his life, Weiss Schnee, from the foolish Beacon teachers keeping her there.
Ever since he'd met her when he was young, he knew she was the one for him, but always, situations kept her away from him. Now, though, it was his time.
All he needed was moments and-
Suddenly, the small light above him shining over his map of Beacon shut off.
"Huh?" He tilted his head. "Who goes there?" He drew his musket-bayonet thingy.
"Prepare for trouble!" A voice called out from the shadows.
"And make it quadruple!"
"To protect all fics from Sue-ification!"
"To unite all shippers within our nation. Yay." This voice sounded more bored.
"To denounce the evils of Sues and haters!"
"To extend our love to the fans everywhere!"
"Elf!"
"Merik!"
"Gin!"
"Aya."
The four called out in unison. "Team Antic, blast off at the speed of plot!"
"Surrender now, or prepare to fight!"
Vivi, the living Weiss plushy, appeared from nowhere.
"Pipipipi! Pipipipi!"
"Adorable..." Merik and Gin said in unison, squeeing at the plushy, who waved at them.
Jonathan laughed. "And who are you, precisely?"
"We're a bunch of reputable authors!" Gin declared proudly.
"And I'm the author of THIS world!" Elf added.
"And we've come to make sure Sues like you stay out of it!" Merik shouted defiantly.
"And I've come with popcorn." Aya said, eating out of a small popcorn box he'd brought.
The Sue laughed in their faces. "You four must be insane. Please, my author will totally kick your asses if you're some sort of counter-Sue." Behind them, a squeeing girl was standing, laughing her head off.
Elf sighed. "You've got to be kidding me. If she dares call herself a fangirl, she'll be a disgrace to REAL fangirling!"
"You know what real fangirling is?" Merik looked over at him.
"I dabble in it from time to time!" Elf protested. "What? Simon is too manly for anyone to fanboy over him..."
"Uh, guys." Aya pointed at Jonathan. "Angry Sue and his insane author. Right there. Need to kick out of the Reactsverse."
"Oh, right." Elf cleared his throat. "As it so happens, I disapprove of you writing your crap into my world!"
The 'fangirl' laughed right back at him. "Silly! This is RWBY, not the Reactsverse! Stupid! I can write what I like! And I think Weiss would totally fit Jonathan! They were MADE for each other!"
"...far gone?" Gin looked to Merik, who nodded.
"Far gone."
Elf sighed. "Very well. Team, attack!"
The girl pointed at them. "Jonathan, use your Semblance! Nobody gets in the way of MY pairings!"
Elf shouted back in defiance. "You tried to break up White Rose, you monster!"
"Ruby doesn't fit her!"
The shipper gasped. "Take that back!"
Meanwhile, Merik collided with Jonathan in battle, fire clashing with bullets from the Sue's musket. The Sue's hands glowed as he threw back the teen with an unseen force into nearby crates, laughing.
"I'm invincible AND telekinetic!"
Aya sighed. "I'll handle this." He pointed at the Sue. "Aura Drain."
Suddenly, the Sue felt his Aura drain completely- a foreign feeling, as no fight had ever made him lose Aura.
"W-what?!"
"Idiot." Aya grumbled. "Authors beat Sues. Gin!"
"Got it." Gin let loose with his shield-kite-cannon, spraying the Sue with...paintballs? Yes, of course. They weren't going to kill a Sue, just beat them up for interfering.
The Sue, of course, had no recourse but to attempt to brace himself as the paintballs slammed against him, bruising him.
"Ow! Hey! Stop! That isn't fair! Stop! No!"
"WHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I AM BULLETPROOF!" Gin roared as he pelted Jonathan with paintballs.
Aya sighed as he went over to heal Merik with the Aura he'd absorbed. Meanwhile, Elf turned to the Suethor.
"You can't even make a proper Sue! Seriously, one Aura Drain and he's down?!"
"S-shut up! You know nothing about writing!" The Suethor protested.
"And yet you thought it was a good idea to write a Sue into MY alternate universe?" Elf sighed. "I take pity upon you. But...in the name of Simon the Digger, Mami Tomoe and Weiss' Delicious Flat Chest..." He drew a large hammer with computer monitors forming the head, the screens saying 'ban' in large, green letters.
"I commit you back to whence you came, Suethor scum!" With a dainty tap on the head from the hammer, Elf sent the Suethor away from his Reactsverse fics forever. Jonathan disappeared with his author, leaving the group alone. The White Fang members would wake up, their memories of the last couple of hours forgotten and would return to just being a goldfish poop gang instead of a real threat.
Aya nodded. "Excellent. Yet another Suethor and her Sue sent back to whence they came."
"Yay! We won." Merik cheered. "It kinda sucks that I didn't get a big part in the fic, though."
"I felt pretty badass back there, quoting the Heavy." Gin laughed.
Elf put his large banhammer away into hammerspace. "Excellent. Well...shall we get pancakes?"
Aya shrugged. "Sure, why not?"
"Eh." Gin shrugged as well. "I got time to kill before I gotta check back with my author about Yet Another Weiss Christmas Story. I hear the next chapter is going to be amazing~"
"Hey, Elf-sempai, tell your author to go read merikflame's new Velvet Obsession chapter!"
"I'll do it." Elf nodded. "For now, though, pancakes!"
And so they went for pancakes.
Team COMA would liberate many other RWBY fanfics from Suethors and Sues, but...for now, this was it.
Elf, however, realised that if he just called over his good friends LSD-chan and the Half-Blind Otaku, they would have had fun too.
And facepalmed at his own stupidity.
Ah, well, perhaps another time.
END
A/N: Shout outs to Madoka Magica, Gurren Lagann, Gmod Idiot Box, Team Fortress 2, Pokemon, and, of course, the following authors: merikflame, G.N. Over-Kite, A0D as Elfy's team, and Half-Blind Otaku and Little Sun Dragon-Chan as cameos at the end! And of course TvTropes.
This will probably stay as a oneshot, really. :P
Well, a shout-out, again, to all the authors mentioned in this story- except the fictional Suethor and her Sue, who were completely made up for this story, no harm intended to real authors- and their stories, go read them instead of this crap!
I hope you guys liked this, leave your reviews, criticism, ideas, thoughts, suggestions and comments, and I hope you have a great day!