An Alternative

…

[A/N: Wotcher, first time posting on here! I own nothing; HP belongs to the mastermind that is JK].

…

James sighed heavily and looked down to his watch. It was quarter past nine and he was still on duty; cursing the very moment when, a few months back, he received the fateful Hogwarts letter with his Head Boy badge enclosed.

It was a pain and a blessing rolled into one. He found the frequent patrolling of the castle nearly as tedious as History of Magic lessons, and missing out on time with his mates was a nuisance. But the news did, indeed, make his mother cry with pride and his father beam and slap him on the back elatedly. And, of course, he was able to spend a lot more time with Lily. His girlfriend. He couldn't even begin to describe how odd but bloody magnificent it felt to call her that.

With a quiet groan he began to slowly stroll once again, looking around at the darkened corridor only dimly lit by the torches attached to the firm stone walls. Surely he could leg it back to the common room by now, he'd seen nobody up causing any trouble and he had at least ten different excuses to throw at Lily if she questioned him as to why he had bunked his duties.

A sudden strangled noise broke the silence from behind him, and James hurriedly stopped and turned around. He squinted at the darkness and tried to distinguish what had made the noise, looking for shapes of any sort. He stood more upright and willed his eyesight to stop being so appallingly terrible for once.

He heard the noise again, more hysterical than before. Still peering down the hallway, all he was able to work out amongst the midst was the steps to the Astronomy Tower.

It suddenly clicked in James's mind and he swayed forward, walking quickly towards the stairway. He swore at himself for being so moronic, he knew nearly every inch of the castle yet was clearly not able to piece together where people would, by the sounds of it, escape to cry their sodding eyes out.

…

Marlene didn't know exactly how long she'd been sat at the top of the Astronomy Tower, but she was more than aware that her hands were blue and icy cold from the freezing wind. She'd considered reaching for her wand in her pocket to cast a hot-air charm, but couldn't bring herself to move from her position.

She sat slumped dejectedly against the cold wall, her knees drawn to her chest and her slight hands covering her face. It must have been hours, at least, since she ran up the stairs after dinner and threw herself onto this very floor.

She was so tired. Tired in every way imaginable. War was looming closer now, people were choosing their sides to fight on and she felt caught in the middle of all the chaos. She was definite that she would join the Order – she had already spoken with Dumbledore – and she knew that, if it came to it, she would willingly die in the place of her family and friends.

But everything was so unbearably heavy; her life was just beginning yet she felt as if the end was already near, so near that it was in grasping distance. Her bones seemed to ache with the effort of getting out of bed each morning and simply living.

Without any warning a sob burst from her mouth, fighting its way out of her throat in a choked cry. She remained sat with her back against the wall, a few minutes passing, as more sobs wracked her body. She shook as tears slid down her hands that remained covering her eyes.

"Marlene?"

She let out a muffled gasp and raised her head, her vision still blurry from her tears. She could roughly make out the tall, thin shape of James Potter. She felt her insides sink rapidly; James was her friend but never had she wished for him to see her as such a wreck.

"James?" She mumbled bleakly, quickly trying to wipe the endless stream of tears from her cheeks, "What are you doing -"

"Never mind what I'm doing here," James said, his voice struck with alarm and eyeing his friend uneasily, "I'm Head Boy. What the bloody hell is your reason?"

Marlene paused and looked at him uselessly, wracking her brains for an excuse that didn't sound completely pathetic.

"Oh, well, you know," she muttered hopelessly, "Witch Weekly said there was some sort of constellation on show tonight. Thought it might be worth a look in."

She watched as James scoffed and stretched his arm out to her with his hand open. She sniffed loudly and placed her hand in his rough clasp, letting him heave her to her feet.

"Marlene," James exhaled, looking down at her nervously with his hands back in his pockets, "I've known you since we were eleven, I reckon that I can tell whether you're talking absolute bollocks or not by now. Now tell me what's wrong."

Marlene wrung her hands and looked down at her feet, her cheeks red from embarrassment and more tears filling her eyes.

"I don't know," she said, shaking her head with her eyes still gazing intensely at the paved floor, "I don't know. This war, James, it's closing in on everything and I know we're all a team and all in it together and I know it sounds silly but I just feel so alone."

Her voice broke off hysterically and she gasped for breath, feeling his eyes on her terrified face.

James sighed and stepped forward, raising a calloused hand to Marlene's soft cheek.

"That's the thing, isn't it, Mar?" he whispered, his hazel eyes searching her face anxiously, "I'm here. Lily's here, and so is Sirius and everyone else. We're all in the same boat."

She looked up at James with her brown eyes ready to spill and her lip trembling slightly, a huge sense of gratitude towards the boy rose through her body and she smiled weakly up at him.

"Cheers, James," she said softly; her voice breaking a little, still aware of the light pressure of his hand on her tear-stained cheek.

James still had a look of worry etched over his face but gave a small smile in return. He felt something that he couldn't put his finger on – something other than the worry, the fright and the apprehension to the situation he was in – and his stomach gave a slight lurch.

"I'll always be here Marlene," he whispered, his voice husky and sounding more desperate, "I always have been. Even you giving me that filthy acid pop in fifth year never made me leave you."

Marlene gave a slight laugh and raised her own hand, placing it over James's own that was still cupping her face. She continued to keep his gaze, his eyes shielded behind his glasses but still carrying that trademark James Potter glint, despite the circumstances.

"James," she said quietly, her eyes searching his face, "James, I think we should-"

Her sentence broke as she watched him lean forward to kiss her. It took less than a second yet she stood, dazed, and let his lips touch hers. They were softer than she'd always thought they'd be and, despite the guilt and panic already flowing through her, she moved both her arms to clasp her hands behind his neck, pulling him closer to her. His body felt hard against her own and, still with one hand on her face, he placed the other on the back of her waist.

…

It was both of them that broke the kiss. They pulled away at the same time; James flushed with guilt and Marlene with a sheepish look on her face.

James stepped back and ran a hand through his messy hair, sticking up even more from Marlene's touches. Marlene watched as it dawned on him why it was more untidy than usual, and he quickly dropped his hands to his sides. His eyes met hers and all she wanted was to run away, far away to escape and forget what they'd both just done. She knew what he was thinking. Lily. Sirius. And she felt just as ashamed as him.

"Listen, Mar, I'm so sorry-"

"James, stop," Marlene said, placing her hands on her forehead in discomfort, "I know. I am too. Just don't worry about it, yeah? Everyone's up in the air in the minute, just…"

She let herself trail off, not knowing how to finish the sentence without making the atmosphere more unbearable. She raised her head from her hands but kept her eyes on the floor, listening to James walking towards her. He placed a hand on her shoulder and led her back into the castle, walking swiftly down to the common room without a word being uttered.

…

It had been three years since the kiss and neither of the pair had spared a thought on it. It'd never happened, as far as they were concerned, and so nobody else knew of it.

It was their secret, their secret to keep to their deaths and never to destroy the relationships they'd built with others that they loved. James with the beautiful wife and the bonny little son. Marlene with the complicated relationship; dating a man who said he loved her but she knew – she knew – that he only ever said those three words just to comfort her when necessary.

They were never supposed to think of it again. To banish it from their minds was the only way to forget, 'it didn't mean a thing', and it did eventually just about slip from both their memories.

Until James heard the news. Heard the news that the McKinnons were dead, the whole family wiped out by a group of Death Eaters. Overpowered and helpless, each relative watching the others being slaughtered one-by-one until it was their own turn.

And it all came flooding back – the kiss, Marlene's touch, the way his stomach fluttered on the tower that night as he was about to do something so wrong that felt so bloody right.

…

James loved his wife. He loved his son.

But he couldn't help but wonder what if.

…