Title: Adventures with Straight Man!
Summary: Straight Man is a superhero destined to save wizard kind from dying out. However, his arch-nemesis is plotting for revenge and has dragged in two of Straight Man's latest converts to help; one of them is Straight Man's own son. Will Asexual finally win? CRACK
A/N: This is a second post of this same chapter. The first was in my other story 'Not Even in Your Wildest Dreams.' My friends talked me into turning this following chapter (or prologue) into a full-length crack fic. After seeing all of their entusiasum I had to write more (especially since I was so pumped up!) I came up with this idea in the shower (where I do some of my best thinking). I was wondering how the wizarding population would generally react to gay relationships. I decided that it would be frowned upon because there aren't very many magic-folk and they would like to keep the population up (and pure according to purebloods.) This is the result of that thought. I hope you all enjoy it!
By day Lucius Malfoy was your regular aristocratic, pureblood supremacist; by night however, he was known as Straight Man.
It was a title and a responsibility that had been passed down from Malfoy heir to Malfoy Heir for as long as his family could remember. One day he hoped to tell his son, Draco, of it and pass it on to him. It was a job essential to purebloods and every other wizard alike.
For when he heard a call for help he would go to that call and battle a foe so fierce it could wipe out wizard kind: homosexuality.
During the Dark Lord's reign of power his help had been scarcely needed, for the Dark Lord had scared nearly every wizard and witch alike to have good, population increasing sex. It had been a wonderful vacation for Lucius; but now however, with the Dark Lord dead and those horrible accepting blood-traitors in power, he was being called more and more frequently.
- head of Lucius spinning in a circle while 'Straight Man' is screamed in the background, reminiscent of 'Batman' -
Lucius had just been sitting down for his evening tea when he was jolted out of his musings by a cry for help: "Straight Man, Straight Man, help!!!" He jumped out of his seat and ran for the telephone booth in the corner of his office. When he emerged he was no longer Lucius Malfoy, he was – STRAIGHT MAN!!!
His green and silver robes with a snake shaped 'S' on the chest swished as he heard the call again. "Straight Man! Help! Help! My son is gay!" He had no time to loose. Thankfully, the voice sounded close. He rose off the ground before flying down the hall and in the direction of the distraught voice. He was surprised when his Straight-y senses led him to his drawing room.
Setting down on the ground he pointed his wand at the door, preparing to make an impressive entrance. The door flew open and he swept in, his glamoured face and hair hiding his true identity. What he saw before him shocked him.
His wife, Narcissa Malfoy, sat on a couch bawling, while his son stood across the room, hands interlaced with Harry Potter's. This would not do.
"You called," he said in a deep, straight voice. Narcissa looked up relieved.
"Straight Man, you must help me! My son has just informed me that he is gay, and that his lover is Harry Potter! Please save them!"
Lucius turned to face the two men. "Is this true?!?"
His son nodded while Harry Potter stared defiantly back at him. "You cannot change who we are, nor convince us otherwise. Our love is too strong!"
Lucius shook his head at him. "I'm afraid that is not true. I will change you, both of you, so you may go spread your seed and populate wizard kind." He pointed his wand at them. Draco cowered.
"No, please, I beg of you! Let us keep our love!"
Lucius shook his head. "It is my duty as Straight Man to save wizard kind by defeating homosexuality! You shall be my newest accomplishment to reach that goal!" he brandished his wand before saying the spell at the cowering men. "Gayus Minimus Straightus Maximus!" A bright light filled the room. When it cleared Draco and Potter were standing on separate sides of the room.
Potter opened his mouth, "I feel like shagging a woman!"
"Me too," replied Draco. "Let's go populate the world!"
Lucius and Narcissa watched as they left the room. Narcissa was crying in relief.
"Well, it looks like my work here is done." He bowed to his wife as she thanked him profusely. "No, no, do not thank me. It is only my job. Thank your husband and have sex with him tonight."
Narcissa was confused for a moment as to why she would thank her husband, but nodded anyway. Straight Man had just saved her son; she would do anything he said.
Lucius bowed one more time before flying from the room a happy man. He was getting lucky tonight!
A/N: I really hoped you all like it! Please review and tell me what you thought. And if you noticed any mistakes please point them out! It won't hurt my feelings! I'll be really happy if you do (and might even give you a virtual sweet of your choice!)
By the way, I don't mean any bad feelings toward homosexuals! I hope everyone realizes that this is total crack. And if you've read any of my other works I'm sure you can figure out that I'm an actual fan of slash. :P That will become more apparent later on in this fic as well. So if you don't like slash, please don't continue on. It will get super slashy later.