Title: Wait It Out
Pairing: Gail Peck/Holly Stewart
Rating: T
Word Count: 4k+
Disclaimer: None of the Rookie Blue characters belong to me; I'm just borrowing them for a bit.
Prompt: Gail attempting to move forward after 5x07 and seeking counselling.
Summary: [Following the Gail & Steve Webisode] - The Peck self-sabotage cycle is a pattern they've both been susceptible to for years, neither of them seemingly able to give enough of themselves to hold onto their relationships, and what Gail's begrudgingly come to accept however, is unlike Steve, she can't seem to break it on her own.
"They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself."
― Andy Warhol
Gail traces her fingertips across the cushion in her lap, repeating the action over and over again, and lets the combination of soft polyester and rough lace stitching soothe her as she takes a moment to settle into her surroundings.
She may be here voluntarily this time, but the grey couch she's seated on still feels far too hard, and the silence of the small office still hums with a heavy tension that makes an anxious prickle run down her spine.
Dr. Rankin peers over at her through her glasses – her hands laced together over the notebook that's balancing readily on her knee – and offers Gail a small smile as she patiently waits for Gail to find her voice and start their session.
After spending eight solid hours in a small room with Steve on surveillance, and listening to the determination and confidence in his voice as he told her that he would do anything for Traci, that he was in fact trying to break the Peck self-sabotage cycle – overcoming it by simply attempting to be a better person than the example their parents had set for them throughout their childhood – has filled Gail with the belief that she too can break out of it.
The Peck self-sabotage cycle is a pattern they've both been susceptible to for years, neither of them seemingly able to give enough of themselves to hold onto their relationships, and what Gail's begrudgingly come to accept however, is unlike Steve, she can't seem to break it on her own. Especially not now when she's backed herself so far into a corner, and isolated herself so much that she doesn't even know where to begin to start working through the jumbled thoughts in her head.
Gail opens and closes her mouth wordlessly, trying to muster the courage she needs to begin but finds herself still a little unsure of where to start now that she's actually here. Exchanging general chit-chat with strangers has never been her strong-suit, let alone delving into her personal thoughts, and yet feeling unable to confide in her so-called friends – Dov (increasing distracted) or Chris (increasing absent) – she's left with no alternative but to willingly expose her weaknesses to this woman she barely knows.
"I need you to help me," she starts in a quiet, shaky breath that rushes hurriedly out from her lungs, her heart pinching painfully in her chest as her mind fills with tormenting images of Holly's retreating form.
Dr. Rankin looks momentarily surprised by the stricken request, always so used to Gail being so stoic and reluctant to voice her problems willingly. "And what is it that you feel you need me to help you with exactly, Gail?" she asks, composing herself gracefully.
Gail releases another, heavier breath and shrugs helplessly, not in the least bit surprised that her request has been met with a question rather than anything decisive. "I need you to help me understand why I always mess up my relationships; why I create emergency situations to get out of them, even when I don't always really want them to end."
Dr. Rankin regards her quietly for a couple of minutes, glancing down briefly at her notes. "Why do you think you, as you put it, 'create emergency situations'?"
"Because I'm an impetuous, self-destructive brat," Gail responds without missing a beat, and then shrugs again. "At least that's what I told Holly."
Dr. Rankin scribbles something on her pad as she asks, "Your new friend Holly?"
Gail nods instinctively and then feels her brow furrow together, realising that she's not sure any more if their friendship even still stands. "She was- we were... together," Gail offers up, noticing the small subtle nod of acknowledgement Dr. Rankin gives, not seemingly surprised by the news at all. "And now, because of me, and my immaculate running away technique, we're not together anymore... she's seeing someone else now."
"Is that why you felt the need to tell Holly that you're an 'impetuous, self-destructive brat'?" Dr. Rankin inquires, her eyebrow raising questioningly. "Did you feel that way about yourself before you knew she was seeing somebody else?"
"I guess," Gail replies quietly, scratching her nails across the lace stitching and dropping her gaze to her lap. "I know I'm difficult to be with. I mean, most people don't really like me, and my last two boyfriends told me that I'm a cold person; not really girlfriend material, or whatever. But Holly does like me – did like me," she breathes out morosely, correcting herself as she lifts her eyes back up to meet Dr. Rankin's. "I felt like I was better with her; I wanted to be a better person because of her; for her," Gail adds with a sad, defeated smile. "I felt like for the first time in my life somebody really got me... and now, because I'm the world's biggest fuck-up, I've gone and lost her."
Gail feels her eyes sting as those final words leave her mouth, the realisation of what her actions have done rolling over her again in deep, endless waves. Her chest suddenly feels too tight, her lungs constricting and leaving her breathless, and her heart hammering so painfully against her ribs that she's almost certain that it's trying to find a way to burst free from the dark depths she keeps it locked away in.
"What made you feel like Holly really understood you? How was she different to your other relationships?" Dr. Rankin questions, her eyes never leaving Gail's, imploring her to keep going.
Gail purses her mouth together, forcing herself to breath in and out deeply through her nose, and reaches up to run a hand through her hair, suddenly feeling overwhelmingly weary. "Because I felt like I could actually talk to her," she murmurs in response, squeezing her eyes closed tightly and pinching the bridge of her nose, trying to ward off the self-loathing she can feel thrumming to life just beneath the surface of her skin. "She saw me for me, and not just the police-legacy spawn that everybody else sees me as. It was nice to be around somebody who didn't make me feel so inadequate and judged all the time."
"When you say 'everybody' sees you this certain way and makes you feel inadequate and judged," Dr. Rankin follows up, "who are you referring to specifically in your life?"
"My friends, my colleagues, my parents," Gail rattles off easily, so completely used to their perceptions of her by now. "I somehow always manage to disappoint them no matter what I do. It's like they see me in this certain way; as this bitchy, manipulative, unfeeling person who's only ever gotten anywhere because of my last name, and that's it. Nothing I ever do seems to change how they view me."
Dr. Rankin pauses briefly and jots something down on her notes. "How is your relationship with your parents? Did you have a close bond with them throughout your childhood?"
Gail shakes her head, not really wanting to delve into this particular area of her life. "They were around, but they're both police-officers, they were busy, you know? Not a lot of time for cuddles and bedtime stories, especially when that time can be used to train me and my brother into mini-cops. But they spent time with us to make sure we were fed and looked after. We weren't neglected if that's what you're really asking."
"So, your parents are both police-officers, and now you and your brother are too," Dr. Rankin notes, not really asking a question this time, just leaving the sentence hanging between them as a statement.
Gail shrugs absently. "We're Pecks; being a police-officer wasn't a choice, it was an expectation."
Dr. Rankin hums in response and eyes Gail thoughtfully. "Did your parents have a lot of expectations for you as children?"
"Yes," Gail replies slowly, her eyebrow knitting together in frustration. "Look, can we deal with my family issues another day? I really need you to help me figure out what makes me so self-destructive, because I just lost myself the chance to be with the most wonderful person I've ever met, and I need to know why I always sabotage myself the way I do."
Dr. Rankin purses her mouth together in a tight smile and uncrosses her legs as she leans forward to place her notepad on the coffee table that's between them. "Gail, the last time you were here you told me how you'd surprised yourself by cheating on your boyfriend, but you never told me why you cheated on him."
Gail scowls, and narrows her eyes in irritation. She doesn't want to discuss her parents, so why the hell would she want to talk about Nick? When Dr. Rankin just threads her fingers together and waits patiently for her response, Gail lets out a huff of defeat, knowing that the doctor is not intending to move off this path.
"He was falling for my friend," she relents, crossing her arms across her chest. "And he didn't look like he was going to actively admit that to himself or to me anytime soon, so I..." she lets her sentence trail off, and reaches up to rub her temple, a headache starting to bloom just behind her eyes.
"So, in your own words, you created an 'emergency situation' in that instance?" Dr. Rankin follows up, her voice never wavering from its gentle, probing tone, despite Gail's obvious increasing agitation at her line of questioning.
"Yes," Gail confesses in a strained breath, the word tasting bitter on her tongue as she thinks back to Nick and Andy and their quiet, blossoming intimacy, and her shameful, revenge-fuelled, sordid night with Blackstone. "I slept with somebody else to try and spite him, to hurt him like he was hurting me, but it only made me feel worse."
Dr. Rankin nods in response to her answer, like it's damn textbook or something, and Gail can't help but huff a little in annoyance. "And what was the emergency situation you created that led to the end of your relationship with Holly?"
Gail shakes her head tiredly, not really wanting to go over that stupid, painful night again, but because she knows that it's probably essential that she does if she's ever to truly break the Peck-self-sabotage cycle, she draws the cushion up to her chest, hugging it tightly to her body like a shield, and readies herself to relive that night all over again.
"I overheard Holly's friend telling her that I was out of her league because she's a doctor and I'm just a cop," she starts quietly, the weight of her mistake already settling heavily around her shoulders and forcing her to sink further down on the couch as she remembers Holly's sad, stunned eyes as she snapped at her. "I told her I'd rather taser myself in the eye then spend another minute with her, and then I walked out on her, and ignored her and her calls for three weeks," Gail replies with a small, mirthless breath, watching as disbelief passes swiftly across Dr. Rankin's face. "You don't need to look at me like that, Doc, trust me I already know what an asshole I am. Not answering her calls the following day is the biggest regret of my life, okay? Like I said, I'm an impetuous, self-destructive brat. I did this to myself, and I know it."
Dr. Rankin offers her a small, tentative smile, her eyes glimmering with empathy. "Gail, the fact that you're starting to become aware of your own behaviour and take responsibility for those actions is a sign that you're not quite as self-destructive as you think," she replies encouragingly. "Your so-called emergency situations are really just patterns of avoidance, stimulated by your fear of inadequacy and rejection."
"So what you're saying is I'm pretty emotionally stunted, huh?" Gail sighs sadly, forcing a self-deprecating smile onto her face as the reality of Dr. Rankin's words slowly start to sink in.
Dr. Rankin shakes her head. "You're not emotionally stunted, Gail," she refutes. "But your behaviours suggest that you have an issue with emotional intimacy. You don't know how to handle situations that you can't control, or where rejection is a possibility. From a young age, those negative feelings of inadequacy you felt have led you to build up an unconscious defence mechanism, which makes you feel the need to keep some distance in your relationships as a safeguard. Meaning that you never open yourself up fully and allow yourself to be truly vulnerable." She pauses for a moment, letting her eyes trace over Gail's face, making sure that she's not saying too much all at once, before continuing, "You would rather self-sabotage by lashing out, or avoid a situation all together, than communicate honestly about your fears, feelings and needs."
Gail closes her eyes and focuses on the sound of her breathing as she slowly inhales and exhales. She knows that what Dr. Rankin is saying is the truth, somewhere deep inside her core she's always known that her reactions to intimacy were based on her fear of not being good enough, but hearing it spoken aloud like this, feels like she's waking up submerged beneath icy waters. It feels a lot like she's been allowing herself to drown for the longest time, and because she'd caught a glimpse of Holly above the surface waiting for her, when her reflexes had kicked in and started to urge her body to swim upwards, she'd used all of her energy up in a desperate rush to get to Holly as quickly as she could, instead of pacing herself to ensure she got to her safely.
"So what can I do?" Gail whispers, opening her eyes to urgently plead Dr. Rankin to help her come through this, she doesn't want to be swept away any further than she's already let herself drift. "I can't keep going through my life pushing people away... I don't want to end up alone."
Dr. Rankin smiles understandingly at her. "Your awareness of your behaviour is the first step, Gail," she explains encouragingly. "You've been indulging your negative attachment of rejection to situations that may not always be intended to reject you. Now that you have some insight, you need to learn to set limits for yourself, don't allow yourself to be engulfed by your fear."
"And how exactly am I supposed to do that?" Gail asks, shaking her head helplessly.
"You need to learn to not take all rejection so personally; Holly's friend for instance, doesn't speak for Holly," Dr. Rankin says, holding Gail's seeking gaze. "But in your mind, her rejection also equalled Holly's, which is what fuelled your fear, and gave you permission to sabotage yourself by lash-outing and avoiding her calls. You need to learn to handle conflict in a healthy way and that requires you to communicate your fears and feelings. In order to achieve honesty and openness with somebody you have to allow yourself to be vulnerable, and that will only come when you feel safety and trust with somebody."
Gail's brow knits together as she process the words slowly, trying to read between all of the psycho-babble. "So, basically, what you're saying here is I just need to talk to Holly?" Gail questions, quirking her eyebrow at the simplicity of it all.
Dr. Rankin smiles fondly at her in response. "I'm suggesting that communicating honestly would be a good place to start, yes."
"She's still seeing somebody else," Gail reminds them both, her mouth twisting down sadly at the mere thought of another woman getting to spend time with Holly and touch Holly in the ways she longs to.
"She is," Dr. Rankin confirms with a nod of her head. "And there may be nothing you can say to change that. But you're not talking to her to win her back, Gail. You're communicating with Holly for your own peace of mind, whether that leads to closure regarding your romantic relationship with her, or perhaps a chance to salvage the friendship that means so much to you."
Gail sniffles slightly as she feels her eyes brimming with tears again, and reaches up with the sleeve of her sweater – or rather, the knitted sweater she stole from Holly – and wipes at her eyes. "I really do want her to stay in my life," she murmurs thickly.
"You should try telling her that," Dr. Rankin replies kindly. "I'm sure your break-up has been just as hard for Holly as it has for you. We all deal with the end of relationships differently, and just because Holly's way is to try and keep living by attempting to move on, doesn't necessarily mean that she's stopped caring about you."
Gail nods in response, hoping that what Dr. Rankin is saying is the truth. And when she really lets herself think back to the sad, longing look that passed over Holly's face when she dared to tell Holly that she was the most wonderful person she's ever met, she knows, without a doubt, that Holly does still feel something for her.
She just hopes with all her heart, that whatever Holly still feels for her is enough that she'll be willing to hear Gail out, and at least attempt to make things as right between them again as she possibly can.
The last time she felt this nervous knocking on Holly's front door was the night she came by to pick Holly up for their first official date.
Holly had been trying to make things as comfortable and easy for Gail as she could as they delved into their new budding relationship, telling Gail that there was no pressure for them to go out and do the whole 'fancy dinner date' routine, but Gail had been adamant. She'd wanted to make Holly feel as amazing and beautiful, and appreciated, as Holly had made her feel every moment they were together following the Ford shootings.
She'd taken Holly to a little Italian bistro just outside the city, and they'd spent the night laughing and flirting, and sharing tiny bites of food whenever they could force themselves to stop holding hands across the table like lovesick teenagers. It had been the most romantic and fun date Gail had ever been on, and it had led to the most beautiful and intimate night she'd ever spent with anybody in her life.
It's the memories of that night – her fingertips lightly tracing up and down the incredibly soft, bare skin of Holly's back as she watches Holly's eyes flutter closed, a content smile still tugging at the corners of her mouth as she drifts off into a peaceful sleep – that fills Gail with the burst of courage she needs to tap her knuckles against Holly's front door.
The sounds of Holly's footsteps padding towards the front door moments later makes Gail's breath catch in her throat, and she forces herself to dislodge it by exhaling heavily just as the door swings open and reveals Holly to her eyes.
Holly's eyebrows knit together in confusion as she takes in the sight of Gail standing on her doorstep, shifting anxiously from foot-to-foot as she offers up a nervous and tentative, "Hey."
"Hi," Holly responds softly, her body still frozen in place in the doorway at the surprise of seeing Gail again for the second time in a week.
Gail smiles back at her and then quickly darts her tongue out to moisten her lips as she readies herself to put her heart out on the line again.
"I know that I'm a messy, complicated person, with heaps of personal baggage, and probably more issues than the amount of arrests I've made," she says all in one breath, tacking on a small, pacifying smile at the end as she tries to crack through the awkward tension lingering between them. "And I know that I really screwed things up between us. But I want you to know that I meant it when I said that you're the most wonderful person I've ever met, and that I'm truly sorry for hurting you."
"Gail..." Holly breathes out in a deep shaky exhale, her face softening as her eyes shimmer wetly.
"I know that you're seeing somebody else now, and that I can't possibly ask you to wait it out while I work through my shit and grow up," Gail rushes on, not wanting to stop for fear that she won't be able to get out all that she's come here to say if she does. "But I just wanted you to know that being with you did made me a better person; you made me believe that I could be better. You opened my eyes to what love really looks like, Holly, and for that I'll always be grateful that I got to spend even a second in your arms."
She watches as a few tears escape from Holly's eyes, sliding silently down her cheeks as she wraps her arms around herself and sucks her bottom lip into her mouth, staring back at Gail helplessly as if she has no idea how to handle Gail's unexpected and overwhelming truths.
"I'm going to counselling again, getting real help to work through all this," Gail admits with a small shrug, her own eyes stinging as she struggles to keep her tears at bay as Holly sniffles breathily, her bottom lip quivering as she fights to keep her composure. "I guess what I'm really here trying to say is... I'm a work in progress, with a long, long way to go. But I really want you in my life, Holly. More than anything. And so I'm hoping with all my heart, that you'll let me stick around and show you how far I'm coming along, because even though we're not together, I don't want to give up on us."
She reaches up to wipe at her own eyes then, unable to hold back her emotions any longer, but forces herself not to look away from Holly's gaze, wanting Holly to have the chance to finally, truly see her.
The proud, adoring smile that stretches out across Holly's face as she looks back at her steals her breath away, and Gail feels her knees begin to buckle as Holly closes the distance between them and pulls Gail into a tight embrace; her body instinctively falling desperately against Holly's own, and trusting blindly that Holly will anchor her completely.
She lets her eyes flutter closed as she clings to Holly, absorbing the sweet, strong warmth she's been missing for so long now, and feels herself tremble as Holly's soft and gentle lips press against curve of her shoulder, lingering for an endlessly long moment.
Holly holds her impossibly closer as she nuzzles her nose up along the slope of Gail's neck until her lips are ghosting against the shell of her ear. "I don't want to give up on us either, Gail," she whispers, her breath tickling against Gail's skin and making a shiver ripple down her spine. "But we can't just go back to the way things were... you're not ready."
"I know," Gail whimpers, her eyes squeezing shut even tighter as she lets her fingertips clutch against the fabric of Holly's sweater, not wanting to let her go just yet. "I just... I need my friend back though, because I miss you so much."
Holly seems to share her sentiment because Gail feels her nod her head as she moves to hold Gail closer still, soothing her hands up and down Gail's back, and letting her lips return to press a promising kiss to Gail's shoulder. "I miss you too," she breathes into the warmth of Gail's skin. "We'll figure it all out, okay?"
"Okay," Gail echoes quietly, her heart aching heavily in her chest, desperately hoping that when the time is right, they'll somehow manage to find their way completely back together again.
(Until that moment though, Gail's more than content to hold onto whatever parts of Holly she'll allow her to have).