Two bits, four bits, six bits a buck, come on, Doctor, give us a….
By Maddog
Now
"Rose Tyler," the Doctor scolded, his sticky-outy ears turning a bright pink, "what kind of remark was that! What would your mother say?"
"Oi, she'd say you've got big feet, so you must have a big…"
Yesterday – somewhere near Apu's Quickie Mart and Space Station
"Bernice, could you hand me the 5-nano densitometer?" the Doctor asked. He was a small man with dark, curly hair, a Scots accent and a fondness for question mark-shaped brollys. The seventh incarnation of the traveling Time Lord, savior of the universe more times than he could count and always home in time for tea, was repairing his TARDIS. It was something he did a lot.
Something cool, plastic and flexible was placed in his hand. He waved the object back in the direction of his current companion, Dr. Bernice Summerfield, a 26th century human archaeologist. "This is NOT a 5-nano densitometer!"
"No, but it's pretty tasty, give it a try. I picked it up while you were getting milk for tea."
"Bernice," the Doctor hissed, "I am in the middle of trying to repair the Runga approximate locator circuit. It is VERY delicate work I do NOT have time for a snack."
"Oh, just take a taste, you've missed lunch. Go on, it's quite good,"
"Fine," the Doctor replied testily just before he bit down on the confection.
SPLINCH
Yesterday – somewhere near Betelgeuse
"Nyssa, could you hand me the 5-nano densitometer?" the Doctor asked. He was a tall fair-haired man with large blue eyes, a warm smile and a fondness for cricket costumes. The fifth incarnation of the traveling Time Lord, savior of the universe more times than he could count and always home in time for tea, was repairing his TARDIS. It was something he did a lot.
Something cool, plastic and flexible was placed in his hand. He waved the object back in the direction of one of his current companions, Nyssa the last surviving denizen of Traaken, "This is NOT a 5-nano densitometer!
"No, but it's pretty tasty, give it a try. Tegan picked it up while you were getting milk for tea."
"Nyssa," the Doctor hissed, "I am in the middle of trying to repair the Runga approximate locator circuit. It is VERY delicate work I do NOT have time for a snack."
"Oh, just take a taste, you've missed lunch. Go on, it's quite good," Tegan called from her cross legged position on the control room floor. She was trying to solve a Rubik's cube that Nyssa had picked up in a jumble shop on Betelgeuse.
"Fine," the Doctor replied testily, just before he bit down on the confection.
SPLINCH
Yesterday – somewhere near the chip shop down the corner
"Jack, could you hand me the 5-nano densitometer?" the Doctor asked. He was a tall dark-haired man with a hawkish nose, sarcastic smile and a fondness for black leather jackets. The ninth incarnation of the traveling Time Lord, savior of the universe more times than he could count and always home in time for tea, was repairing his TARDIS. It was something he did a lot.
Something cool, plastic and flexible was placed in his hand. He waved the object back in the direction of one of his current companions, Jack also known as Captain Jack Harkness former Time Agent. "This is NOT a 5-nano densitometer!"
"No, but it's pretty tasty, give it a try. Rose picked it up while you were getting milk for tea."
"Jack" the Doctor hissed, "I am in the middle of trying to repair the Runga approximate locator circuit. It is VERY delicate work I do NOT have time for a snack."
"Oh, just take a taste, you've missed lunch. Go on, it's quite good," Rose called from her cross legged position on the control room floor. She was filling out a questionnaire in a 22nd Century Cosmopolitan on if she was the type of girl that would enjoy sex with hot aliens. Given how many points she was getting the recommendation was going to be "do it girl, do it today, do it tomorrow, do it often".
"Fine," the Doctor replied testily, just before he bit down on the confection.
SPLINCH
A short bit ago in a lush green field filled with beautiful flowers, butterflies and located 1 x 10-23 picometers to the left of non-existence
SPLINCH
A flock of golden finch-like birds took to the sky at the tearing sound made by three TARDISes abusing, folding, spindling, mutilating and generally just being down right nasty to the fabric of space-time. The TARDISes were at right angles to each other, the top of the call boxes touching with a brilliant blue light.
The door to the time machine that had its bottom on the ground opened, revealing Tegan and Nyssa dragging a dazed Doctor into the field. Smoke billowed out behind them as they struggled to haul him as far away from the TARDIS as they could manage. They managed about five meters before turning back to see the wreckage. Both were quite shocked when door to the TARDIS with a door that was horizontal to the ground opened up and a woman's head appeared.
The head was quickly replaced by some rather tacky shoes and worn pair of pants as a man started to be thrust out the door. Understanding what the woman was doing, Tegan hurried over. "Keep pushing; I'll try'n catch him," she yelled hoarsely through the smoke.
"Will do," Bernie kept pushing until the Doctor's body bent at the waist. Then she stood up and grabbed him by the arms and lifted. Walking the insensate Time Lord forward to the very edge of the TARDIS she was relieved to see a young woman had wrapped her arms between his knees and waist. "I'm going to let him drop, you ready?"
"Ready as rabbits!" Tegan managed to get out before she was knocked backward onto her bottom with the man falling on top of her. Rolling out from underneath, she was happy he wasn't a bigger bloke because she'd have been crushed otherwise.
Bernice dropped out of the TARDIS a few feet from the Doctor and young woman, glad just for the moment to breathe fresh air.
"Look, Tegan, there's something coming out of the top TARDIS," Nyssa cried, pointing at the strange sight. The third TARDIS dwellers were having a harder time removing themselves since the door to their TARDIS opened up to the sky. A young, blonde woman was pushing open the doors and hauling herself up to sit on them. Several ropes were tossed up to her and then a good looking man struggled up beside her. They both then began hauling on the ropes.
"Fuck, he's heavier than he looks," the man complained loudly, coughing as a particular dense billow of smoke hit him.
"Needs to lay off the chips for a bit, that's for sure," Rose agreed as they both renewed their efforts to lift their Doctor from the TARDIS.
"On the count of three, big pull, all right?" Jack asked as a man's head and shoulders appeared from the TARDIS doors.
"Yeah." Rose nodded and on the count of three both companions pulled with all their might, which resulted in the Doctor's body rocketing off Jack and Rose's precarious perches on the doors to land with a very unceremonious thud on top of the Time Lord still laying prone by Nyssa.
Rose and Jack looked at each other, both anxious for a moment that they'd done injury to the Doctor before they heard his booming voice yell out, "What the bloody hell was that? That wasn't in the Girl Guide's approved rescue procedures let me tell you!"
"No, it wasn't, would you mind terribly getting off me," the fifth Doctor managed to strangle out, crushed as he was by himself.
"Oh, sorry, thanks for the soft landing." The shorthaired Doctor hauled himself to his feet. The fifth Doctor held out a hand, expecting a bit of help getting off the ground, but number nine just walked closer to the TARDISes. The fifth Doctor sighed slightly and gave a look of forbearance; his manners obviously hadn't improved with age.
"How the bloody hell did that happen?"
"I have my dark suspicions," the seventh Doctor said, dusting his clothes off with his hat. "It's probably a plot by our enemies to destroy us all."
"Yes, well, it may also just be some sort of retrograde time flow," the fifth Doctor suggested.
"Well, to work then," number nine ordered. This caused the other two doctors to look at him rather snarkily. He didn't understand why, he was the oldest and smartest after all.
"Oh, you have a plan already then?" the cricket-costumed Doctor asked, incredulity tingeing the statement.
"More likely he just thinks he's the oldest and smartest," Seven commented.
"Doctor," Tegan's shrill Australian voice interrupted the brewing argument. "What's going on?"
"Oh, sorry, introductions all around." The latest incarnation of the Doctor pointed a finger at Tegan. "This is Tegan, she traveled with me during my fifth incarnation. The important thing to remember about her is that she's a mouth on legs and Australian to boot. You know what the difference between yogurt and Australia is?"
No one responded to the Doctor's joke. Most of the company too stunned he was attempting to tell one. "Yogurt has culture!" He laughed loudly then quickly trailed off when nobody laughed with him. "Anyway, this is Nyssa of Traaken. She's with number five, too. Intelligent, sensible and knows her biology." The Doctor smiled warmly at Nyssa then turned to the older woman. "This is Dr. Bernice Summerfield, archeologist extraordinaire and companion most likely to be found with a hangover when being rescued. Traveled with number seven." Benny favored this taller version of the Doctor with a look at his comments, ready with an angry retort but then he gave her a megawatt grin and she found she couldn't be mad. "And these are my two, Rose from early 21st century London, all around fantastic companion and Jack originally from the 51st century, later from where ever he could find a cute bit of stuff. To save on confusion, I'm number nine, short fellow is seven and the blonde guy is five. Somehow there's been a major temporal rift and stranded us," the Doctor shrugged, gesturing vaguely at the landscape "wherever here is. Everybody on the same page? Good, let's start finding out how to get out of here."
The three Doctors turned as one and strode into the fifth Doctor's TARDIS. The companions stared at the doorway for a moment before shyly turning to each other.
"Well, it's lovely to meet you all," Nyssa said sincerely.
"It sure is," Benny replied. "I mean, how often do we get to talk to other people about our lives with the Doctor?"
"Damn straight." Rose nodded. "I think we all need to compare notes."
"Toga," whispered Jack. The other companions definitely all had cute bottoms; there was only one thing to do. When everyone stared at him, he said it a bit louder, "Toga."
Benny and Tegan smiled immediately, for Jack was so damn cute and it had been ages since they'd been to a toga party. "Toga, toga!" they replied slightly louder.
"Oi, where are we going to find togas?" Rose asked, hands on hips, already grinning broadly at the idea of a party.
"Why do we need to change clothes?" Nyssa asked, thoroughly puzzled by her companions' obvious happiness.
Twenty minutes later, the party was nearly set up. Jack and Rose had climbed back into their TARDIS and thrown out lawn chairs and sheets for togas. Benny had contributed a fusion-powered drinks machine and full snack tray. Tegan had bravely walked past all three doctors to her room and retrieved a scented candle that Adric had gotten for her on some planet. It smelled slightly like sandalwood and got you high as a kite after a few minutes. She doubted the boy had realized the candle's properties.
"Can I come back 'round yet?" Jack called out; the women had sent him to the back of the TARDISes to change.
"Yeah, we're done," Rose replied, pinning Benny's sheet into place. The sheet had cartoon dinosaurs all over it. Jack strolled into view to appreciative stares. He'd cut his solid blue sheet in half to make a thigh length toga. It was pulled over one shoulder so he could show off his chest.
"Strewth, I really need that drink now." Tegan picked up one of the blue concoctions Benny's drink machine had spewed forth. Nyssa just stared at Jack slightly slack jawed. She closed her mouth when Tegan elbowed her in the ribs.
"You think that's bad? He just keeps saying 'steeewpid apes'!" Rose complained, taking another healthy sip of her drink. "I mean is it my fault my ancestors were apes? No one gets to pick their evolutionary tree."
"Right you are. Not to mention, if Gallifreyans aren't descended from some ape type of creature, what ARE they descended from?" Benny asked. She prodded the drinks machine to give her something else. The red thing Jack had made tasted delicious, but it didn't have enough kick for her taste.
"I believe it's something more closely related to pack animals called wolves, but possibly marsupials like where you come from Tegan," Nyssa explained. "Of course they had something akin to hands so they could be tool users."
"Nah, that can't be it," Jack interrupted. "Think he's probably related to hedgehogs. You know, prickly but cute?"
"Go on," Rose said quietly as she prodded the young Traaken woman forward. There had been general agreement among the companions that she was the one whom the Doctor would be most willing to perform their experiment. Nyssa stood up straighter and walked to her TARDIS where the Doctors were working.
"Umm, Doctor," Nyssa called out. She couldn't believe she let the others talk her into this.
"Hmm, yes Nyssa, what is it?" The fifth Doctor stuck his head out the front door. He had taken off his coat and stood there with white shirtsleeves rolled up; glasses perched towards the end of his nose.
"Uhm, I know that you are very busy but, uh, Benny and I have been discussing the regeneration process."
"Yes, very interesting. I am terribly busy right now Nyssa, perhaps I could answer your questions later?"
"It won't take but a moment. We were discussing mass, yes," she nodded to herself, "conservation of mass. Would you and the ninth Doctor mind standing next to each other. Please."
The Doctor couldn't think of a reason to refuse Nyssa's request. She generally asked very astute questions and was quite the accomplished biologist. She was probably just feeling a bit shy with some of the other companions and needed a topic of conversation she was comfortable with. He looked over his glasses; the other companions were sprawled in lime green lawn chairs, each with a drink in their hands and all studiously looking away from him. Suspicious he thought, but it lent even more credence to Nyssa needing a bit of a boost. "All right, just for a moment though."
Ducking back into the TARDIS, sounds of a muffled conversation floated on the flower scented breeze. Nyssa started tapping her foot nervously; she was absolutely going to murder Tegan. She might not have given into peer pressure if her Australian friend hadn't told her to stop being a stick in the mud.
The ninth and fifth Doctors emerged from the TARDIS. Number nine had taken off his beloved leather jacket and stood there in his jumper and black jeans. "Yes, Nyssa, what do you need?"
"I just wanted to see which one of you was taller," Nyssa squeaked out, staring pointedly at the top of the Doctors' heads.
"Oh, I see you're equating height to mass," the blonde Doctor said. "Well, it's clear who's taller. Back to work then." He gave a small smile and nod to his companion and stepped back into the TARDIS. The ninth Doctor watched him and rolled his eyes. He had been amazingly naïve when he'd been younger, he decided.
"Told you." Rose high-fived Jack and smirked at Tegan.
"Rabbits, you were right, I have to admit it," Tegan acknowledged with a sigh. It was going to be right embarrassing to pay off the bet.
"Admit what?" Nine had not gone into the TARDIS with his younger self because he had noticed that while Nyssa had looked at height relative to the ground, the rest of the companions had been comparing something a bit further south.
"Nothing," Tegan said quickly.
"Really, nothing?" the ninth Doctor, strolled over to the former airhostess' chair, leaned over slightly and glared down at her. "If it's nothing Tegan, why don't you tell me about it?"
"Uhm," was the only noise Tegan could come up with since she was getting incredibly turned on by the piercing gaze of the Time Lord. "Umm, well…"
"Rose, how about you tell me what that was all about. Somehow I'm thinking it wasn't about mass conservation." The Doctor crossed his arms and transferred his glare to his young companion. Rose opened her mouth to answer, then started to convulse with laughter. She laughed so hard that she fell over sideways, spilling her drink down the front of her toga sheet, which had small yellow ducks all over it.
"Right," the Doctor said, picking up the drinks machine. "No more alcohol for you lot."
"That's not fair!" Benny complained as she rocketed out of her chair and lurched towards the drinks machine. "I haven't done anything! It was everybody else who wanted to check out your package!"
The Doctor merely sidestepped her. "Thank you, Bernice, for your honesty. Now sober up." He marched back to the TARDIS, then turned quickly around and added sternly, "And behave yourselves!"
After the frisson of excitement from being yelled at by the ninth Doctor faded, the companions looked at each other dejectedly for a moment, all their glasses nearly empty. "What are we going to do now?" Benny moaned. "The party was just getting going."
"Anybody got a light?" Tegan pulled the aromatic candle out.
"I'm getting really hungry," Nyssa declared, scratching her stomach in a very unladylike manner. "Is there anything left to eat?"
"Not a thing." Rose lifted the empty snack tray. "And I'm really hungry, too."
"What we need is a diversion," Jack said with a sweet smile, a clever plan forming. "There is no way any of us is sober enough to climb into the two TARDISes off the ground. So we divert the Doctors' attention from what they're working on in Five's TARDIS, then run in, grab some nibblies, and rescue the drinks machine."
"What kind of diversion?" Rose asked, picking up a crumb that had fallen down her cleavage and eating it.
"Well, Tegan still needs to pay up for losing the bet."
"Aughghg," Tegan screamed as she entered the door of the TARDIS at a full-out run. Doctor number seven was balanced precariously on a chair doing something to the time rotor. Five was lying on the floor with head and arms inside the main console. Number nine was crouched on the floor flipping through a series of circuit designs. The sound of Tegan's scream caused number seven to fall off the chair rather hard. Number five banged his head on the console, and number nine was heard to say "steeewpid apes."
"Uhm, did Tegan just run through here naked?" the Doctor pushed his glasses back on his nose and stared up at the rondels on the ceiling.
"Yep, she sure did," the ninth Doctor replied at the same time as the seventh Doctor managed to sit up from his fall and with a nod towards the door, say, "What on Gallifrey is going on out there?"
"What is going on," the blonde Doctor said as he stood up and moved toward his latest incarnation with a disdainful glare, "is that somebody's companions are being a bad influence on my companions."
"Bad influence? Jack and Rose? Never." Doctor number nine managed to get the sentence out before he started smirking.
"It is not a laughing matter! Nyssa is very young and impressionable."
"Oh, come off it, they're only having a bit of a laugh," Nine responded.
"Obviously, as I age I lose all sense of responsibility!" Five and Nine were now face to face, attempting dueling glares.
"Well it wasn't MY companion that just ran through here naked, now was it?"
"Now, now gentleman, let's not get distracted," Number seven inserted himself between himselves. "No time for laying blame right now, let's just—"
"Blame is it? Well I recognize that alien drinks machine as one of Benny's. So if anybody's companions are being bad influences, I guess that would be yours." Nine stared down as his younger self.
"Now wait just a minute, Bernice is…"
While the Doctors argued amongst himself, Jack and Nyssa slipped quietly into the TARDIS to find tasty snacks and retrieve the drink machine. As they were about to slip back out, Tegan appeared from her room dressed in a loose t-shirt and shorts. She had wanted to cover up and had been on enough all night drinking parties to know you should pass out in something comfortable to sleep in. The matter of whose companions were corrupting whose was still being loudly debated as they left.
"Not only do we get every football game ever broadcast, but there're 674,201 channels of alien porn!" Jack said excitedly.
"How alien?" Bernice smirked.
"Let's just say that I now get a giant erection every time I see a plate of spaghetti."
"With or without meatballs?"
"Now let me get this straight," Rose said in the overly correct pronunciation of the drunk and stoned, "you'd never been to a party before traveling with the Doctor?"
"No, you misunderstand," Nyssa explained, inhaling deeply from Tegan's candle. "I went to formal functions with my father all the time. There was food and dancing, so you could call them parties."
"Did you ever end up drunk and giggling so hard you could barely walk with your mates as you wobbled around in search of a Vindaloo?"
"That would be no, definitely not. There was no drunken giggling that I can ever recall. Traaken was a very, very stately and calm place."
"So, you're overdue then." Rose leaned forward, rubbing her nose in concentration. She felt it was her duty to initiate Nyssa into the world of fun. But what to do, what to do? Benny was passed out, snoring slightly. Tegan and Jack had gone off for a walk in the field, and Rose could just bet that talking was not the only thing they'd be involved in. Lucky bastards. Ah, she smiled, something small to start with. She couldn't believe what a spoilsport the younger version of the Doctor was. Well, Jack had been teaching her some songs his mates had been singing back in 1941. The tunes were quite catchy and would be sure to annoy the younger version of her Doctor. "Okay then, you got a good memory?"
"The very finest. I can generally remember nearly everything that I read." Nyssa took another sip of the Brandy Alexander that Jack had made her. He said it was a sweet drink for a sweet girl and she'd blushed, though she wasn't too sure why.
"One skill that every time traveler needs," Rose explained, "is a good ditty to sing when out partying. Jack taught me this one."
I don't want the Sergeant's shilling,
I don't want to be shot down;
I'm really much more willing
To make myself a killing,
Living off the pickings of the Ladies of the Town;
Don't want a bullet up my bumhole,
Don't want my cobblers minced with ball;
For if I have to lose 'em
Then let it be with Susan
Or Meg or Peg or any whore at all,
Gorblimey!
Rose's voice was joined by Jack's as he and Tegan strolled back to the party. Tegan was smiling most contentedly.
On Monday I touched her on the ankle,
On Tuesday I touched her on the knee;
On Wednesday such caresses
As I got inside her dresses,
On Thursday she was moaning sweetly;
On Friday I had my fingers in it,
On Saturday she gave my balls a wrench;
And on Sunday after supper,
I had the fucker up her,
And now she's got me up before the Bench,
Gorblimey!
"So, you got it, right?" Rose asked serious-faced Nyssa.
The young woman nodded, she'd have to figure out what everything in the song meant later. She'd memorized the syllables easily, though she wondered why anybody would take a wrench to a ball or repair something in fancy dress. "Do you have any others?"
Jack smiled broadly. "Algy taught me this one just before I left. Not something officers were supposed to go around singing but, hell, you get a couple of beers in the guy and he wouldn't shut up. He got it off some Australian." Jack began singing and dancing like he was in a very badly rehearsed version of Chicago, complete with jazz hands.
Adolph Hitler, son of Satan, may bad luck fall on you,
May illsand chills beset you, may your testicles turn blue,
May you have to hump your bluey and be forced to take a job
Of skinning cancered jumbucks at a wage of seven bob;
May itching penis torment you, may corns grow on your feet,
And crabs as big as spiders attack your balls a treat;
And when at last you're finished, a helpless, hopeless wreck,
May you step back through your arsehole and break your fucking neck,
You bastard!
Tegan, Rose and Nyssa started laughing hysterically. Jack took a deep bow, plopped back down in his lawn chair, and began passing out another round of drinks.
Benny suddenly lurched out of her lawn chair and carefully put one foot in front of the other to enter the TARDIS. Long years of experience with walking while drunk helped her keep to the edge of the console room so she wouldn't disturb whatever the hell it was the Doctors were doing with those spinning laser lights. Well, she hoped the lights were spinning because if they weren't, she was even more fucked up than she'd realized. She had just about made it out of the console room when suddenly a tall blonde Doctor popped up in front of her.
"And where do you think you're going?" The fifth Doctor asked, hoping to prevent any more mood altering substances from being taken out of the TARDIS. The situation was getting entirely out of hand.
"I have to do something very, very important," Bernice explained slowly.
"And what might that be? Raiding the TARDIS' greenhouse for something to smoke?"
"No, no, nothing like…. Uh, you have something to smoke?"
"No."
"I have to do something important."
"Fine, I'll accompany you to make sure nothing else dangerous is removed."
"I have to something important," Bernice enunciated very slowly, hoping the Time Lord would understand and leave her alone so she could do her important thing before she ended up standing in a puddle. She really hated when that happened.
"You've said that, let's go," the fifth Doctor gestured for Bernice to lead the way.
"No, no, I have to—"
"For the love of…" The seventh Doctor removed the welding goggles from his face, the bright red light of the fiber optic cables casting strange shadows. "She has to go to the bathroom!"
"Oh, ooooh." Comprehension dawned and the Doctor's fair skin pinked slightly. "Sorry, go right ahead."
"It'd be so much easier," Benny complained loudly as she started down the hall to find the toilet, "if I could just pee on the side of the TARDIS like Jack."
Two of the Doctors turned to glare at the third, who just shrugged and replied, "Well, at least they're not flinging poo at one another. Apes tend to do that, you know."
"That's it then," the fifth Doctor sighed as he leaned against the main console. "There's nothing in the sensor logs to indicate why we were displaced here."
"Nothing wrong mechanically with the spatial or time circuitry," the seventh Doctor said snapping a panel back on the main console. "I've checked the Runga approximate locator circuit over completely. There was nothing wrong with it except a small amount of oxide on one contact, which we were all repairing when this happened."
"And there are no residual indications of anomalies in the vortex before we were transported here," number nine added. "So we've got fuck all idea why we're here."
"There is no need for profanity," the youngest Doctor scolded. "You're picking up bad habits from your companions."
Before the ninth Doctor could frame a reply, the seventh quickly interjected, "Why don't we go over again the steps leading up to our arrival here?"
"I asked Jack/Nyssa/Bernice for a 5-nano densitometer," the three Doctors recited in unison, "then there was an explosion and we were here."
"Well, that was no help," the seventh Doctor mumbled. "Maybe we should have a nice cup of tea."
"That would be helpful," number five said. "The last thing I had to eat was some sweet that Tegan picked up." Even before the Doctor completed the sentence all of him gave a significant look and hurried out the door of the TARDIS towards their companions.
The Time Lord was used to rescuing his companions from certain death, grave injury, alien possession and the odd bad omelet. However, the scene before him spoke of highly unpleasant things to come. For the Doctor knew that alcohol was metabolized very fast in humans into acetaldehyde and acetoacetic acid. During excess alcohol consumption, the levels of these compounds increase. Acetaldehyde being able to enter the brain, causing toxicity, and stimulates specific centers in the brain for vomiting. And there was nothing a Time Lord loathed more than a drunken vomiting evolved ape from the planet Earth. With the inevitable exclamations of "I love you, mate, I really love you, you're a special person" and "I'm so so sorry" and the "it was really me who destroyed Space Station K17 not the Sontarans, I accidentally sat on the self-destruct button" not to mention "I'll show you mine if you show me yours."
Tegan and Jack were enjoying some hypervodkas while Nyssa was halfway through a brandy Alexander while taking occasional sniffs of the candle. This adventure was going to end badly, the Doctor knew, very badly. They each blamed each other for the bad influence of their companions.
Number five walked over towards Tegan. "Tegan, would you happen to know what candy you handed me just before we found ourselves transported here?"
"How come we don't get the TV station with the alien spaghetti porn?"
"Try to focus, Tegan. That candy you handed me?" the Doctor continued, trying not to roll his eyes too much. Apparently, she'd shoved some of the candy into her pocket when she'd changed clothes. "Here ya go." She passed over one of the plastic confections to her Doctor.
The fifth Doctor took it gingerly, as if it might explode at any moment. Then he waggled the bright red confection held between his thumb and forefinger, it seemed to vibrate as he did so. "And what were these things called, hmm, Tegan? Did it ever occur to you to ask before you brought a strange substance into the TARDIS?"
"But, Doc, it's just a piece of candy."
"What was it called, exactly?" the Doctor shouted.
"Well, it's called a Twizzler. I don't understand; what are you shouting about?" Tegan glanced around at the three doctors, all of them showing signs of distress, irritation and, in one case, just plain pissiness.
"I can't bloody believe you let Rose bring Twizzlers into the TARDIS," the ninth Doctor told Jack. "You should know better!"
"What are you on about? It's just a piece of strawberry-flavored sugar! Not like I let her buy the pan-dimensional Trojans with nobs she had her eye on!" Jack defended himself drunkenly.
"Oi, those were ribbed for her pleasure!" Rose retorted, punching Jack in the shoulder.
"Why bother? Not like you're going to be getting any," Tegan muttered into the dregs of her drink. "Bloody Time Lords, better off looking for a good shag at the Sydney gay pride parade." The act of getting some and then realizing it would likely be the last she'd be getting for a while was leaving her depressed and out of sorts.
Ribbed? Nyssa wondered to herself. Is that where did the man's penile barbs go?
"Am I the only companion here who DOESN'T want to make the beast with two backs with my Doctor?" Bernice sat up; shaking off the drunken stupor she'd been in for the last hour.
The entire assembled group of companions and Doctors turned as one to stare at the seventh Doctor. "Well, that'd be a yes then," Bernice declared. "Give us another drink will you, Jack? I'm starting to sober up."
"I will have you know," the seventh Doctor's Scottish burr was even more pronounced as he thundered, "that I am considered quite attractive for a Time Lord!"
At that pronouncement the fifth and ninth Doctor simultaneously said, "Yeah, right."
"I CAN put fourteen live ferrets down my pants!"
"Like that's attractive to women!" number nine smirked at the same time Jack rose out of his lawn chair and called out, "Ferrets! I love a man with live ferrets in his pants!" He then promptly fell forward and sprawled on the grass, revealing that he had gone commando under his toga.
"Getting back…" the fifth Doctor was drowned out by the collective giggles of the companions over Jack's rather nice bottom. "Getting back to the heart of the matter, these," he held up the Twizzler, eyeing it as if it was a poisonous snake, "are the important constituent in the manufacture of a tesseract. Creating a tesseract in the time field the TARDIS generates nearly destroyed her. Fortunately, a failsafe mechanism activated, sending the TARDIS to this place."
"But how come all three of us ended up here at the same time?" Tegan asked, glad to have something else besides Jack's bum to focus on. It was a nice bottom though.
"There's only one time here," the seventh Doctor explained. "So any time the failsafe mechanism is activated here and now is where the TARDIS arrives."
"Which means we're the only three that ever had those things," the ninth Doctor pointed at the Twizzler still held by his younger self, "brought on board. Wonderful."
"So, how do we deactivate," Nyssa rolled the word off her tongue, she liked that word, DEactivate, deACTivate, "the failsafe and get back where we belong?"
"Quite simple, really." Number seven sighed, "load everything into the TARDIS, including that." He nudged Jack not-so-gently with his foot.
It took far longer than any of the Doctors expected to load the lawn chairs, drinks machine, food wrappers and Jack into the fifth Doctor's TARDIS. There were goodbye hugs between the companions—Jack regained consciousness long enough for that. Then the seventh Doctor took a Twizzler and touched the bottom of the sweet, tasty treat to the top, forming a circle. The three TARDISes merged for a nanosecond and then split apart, back to where they came from.
Yesterday – somewhere near the chip shop down the corner
"Well that was fun," Rose said through a big yawn. "I'm off to bed then."
"Yeah, me, too," Jack concurred. It had been a while since he'd partied that hard. Must be getting old, he thought, because he felt like a pack of gum that had gotten squished in someone's back pocket.
The Doctor stared at them as they started moving towards the corridor where their rooms were. They didn't even appear to notice that he was glaring at them with steely eyes. "I don't think so," he said, stepping in front of them. "I think apologies are in order."
"You don't have to apologize, Doctor," Jack said as heartily as he could manage. "Not your fault about the failsafe."
"Besides, that was one of the best parties I've ever been to," Rose said, moving past the Doctor and patting him on the shoulder. She and Jack had made it into the corridor before she added, "not to mention it's nice to know that we've got the Doctor with the biggest—"
"Rose Tyler," the Doctor scolded, his sticky-outy ears turning a bright pink, "what kind of remark was that! What would your mother say?"
"Oi, she'd say you've got big feet, so you must have a big…"