AN: Okay so, I don't know why I wrote this. I've never written Greg and Nick slash before. I wasn't sure how, and I wasn't sure if I was even in support of it. (No offence to those who are.) But as I read more slash stories, it grew on me more and more. The thing is, I can't get my inspiration from other stories. It has to be from the show. And they don't really hint at anything between Nick and Greg. But as Grissom would say- "You must keep an open mind and look for the clues." And I did. There are those little things that you nearly miss. So I hope this lives up to others.
Disclaimer: Seriously, I don't own CSI!
Stares.
I watch you as you work a case, oblivious to my stare. Your broad shoulders are bent over, in a focused way. I've been watching you for a while now, my current case completely forgotten.
Every time I look at you, I can fool myself. Pretend that things are the way they used to be. When we were happy, and we spent every moment we could together. But eventually, I have to come back to reality.
You broke my heart Nick. You were everything to me. No matter how upset I was, how tired, or angry, you could bring me back to earth. And without you, I'm lonely. Lonelier than I ever realized a person could be.
My apartment is empty without you. The couch seems bigger and colder without you sitting beside me, laughing at the comedies we watched. Those are the memories I'll never forget. My bed's empty too. When I wake up in the middle of a nightmare, and reach over to find the sheets empty... my heart feels like its shattered.
You were my world Nicky. Every thought I had was a circle, and you were the center. My life was good then, when I was with you. If I had a nightmare about the beating, or the explosion, or even about you being buried alive, your strong arms made the pictures fade away. When you held me close, I felt special. Maybe I'm not.
Why can't I tell you all this? That's like asking why the sky is blue. I have no idea. Maybe it's because I still love you. Because even though you don't love me, I still get butterflies. Maybe it's your eyes. When you look at me it's like an x-ray. I feel like you know all my thoughts, all my desires. But maybe its just fear. Fear that you'll break me again.
I didn't mean what I said that night. None of it. And I worry that that's the only reason that you left me, and that I could have stopped it.
I know I don't deserve you. I'm just the goofy lab geek turned CSI. I'm just the guy with the crazy hair, bad jokes and loud music that everyone hates. But you're perfect. You're the best CSI in Vegas. Maybe the world. We'd have to see though, we can't forget Grissom.
But Nick, you're amazing. You have the best smile in the world. It makes everyone happy. And I know you hate how emotional you are, but it just means you care. I wish I was more like that.
Actually I wish for a lot of things. I wish we hadn't fought, and you hadn't left. I wish I knew how to watch my words. I wish that you knew all of this and that you'd just walk across the hall and kiss me. But what's the point of wishes? The world is full of them. And they never come true.
Dreams might. Because you being with me was exactly that. And even though I woke up early, and the dream was cut short, I'll never forget it. Or you.
XXX
I feel your stare as I pretend to work. I feel them all, everyday. I wonder if you feel mine, but I honestly don't know if I want you to.
The guilt is horrible. I walked out. I made the choice and I ended everything. But what you said to me was worse. And even worse, is that for the first time, I think you might have meant it.
I still wonder why you said it. Why you acted that way. I want to blame you, but I can't. You're too perfect. At least in my mind.
Greg, I loved you. More than anyone I've ever known. I still do. But I don't think you love me. You said you did, but did you? Did you really mean what you said? When you told me –no, more like yelled at me- that I was over controlling and bossy, did you mean that?
I wish I knew. I wish you would tell me. But it's not your fault. You shouldn't have been with me. You deserve so much more. I don't.
I don't deserve you. I'm just the Texan CSI, the overly emotional and always affected one. The guy who's always screwin up, gettin hurt and hurtin everyone else. But you're... I can't even describe you, G. You're perfect. You're brave and smart... both things I'm not. You're everything anyone would be lucky to have. You were the best boyfriend I'd ever had. When I cried, you hugged me and shared my tears. When I laughed, it was because of you. Your funny jokes, and your goofy sayings. I'd never been so happy.
Every smile was caused by you. Every laugh had you at the center. You were my life.
I loved you so much. I loved everything about you. Your 1000 watt smile, which never failed to surface many more. Your amazing hair, that's been changing from the beginning. When you think back you now say it was tacky. I don't think so. I loved it. But what I loved the most, correction- what I do love the most, is your eyes. Your beautiful eyes. They're endless, chocolate brown orbs, which never cease to amaze me. It's one of the reasons I've been avoiding you.
Truthfully, there's a million reasons why. If I had to narrow it down to one... I don't think I could. I guess it would be this:
I love you. And that's never going to change. And even though I know I should tell you this, I can't. You're Greggo, and you're amazing.
Review please :P I could write more if it was wanted