Author's Note:
Yay! A new story... while I wait to update TCoaL and a number of other things, anyways. Who knows, though? It might become a running thing... I give you 'The Wonderful Alternate Universe!' Enjoy the satiric, somewhat harsh humor!
The classroom was bright with activity as numerous 2- to 6-year-olds bustled about the School of Order and Strictness and Teachers who will Crush Your Dreams. (clears throat)
"Class, we will begin by reciting the pledge to the United Chunks of Conformity." The teacher drones before standing up, summoning her students to do likewise.
We pledge allegiance to the lead of the United Chunks of Conformity
And to the machine for which it stands
A giant mass, under Notch, lacking individuality
With greyness and bleakness for all
Ocelott was the only person who laughed after the pledge was spoken. Yeah, Ocelott was there. And everyone from the MCSM fandom. Y'know, everyone except for the Order since they're much older than the New Order and the Ocelots-turned-Blaze-Rods. The teacher sat down, her chair creaking under her weight as she began another one of her boring lectures.
"Now, class, turn to page 19 of your textbooks." The students turned to said page before the teacher groaned out loud. "Y'all are the dumbest kids in the world! It's the first day of school and you think we're STARTING on page 19?! I would congratulate you for your blind obedience and uniformality, but since I am older than you I am automatically a tricky person, hard to please, and sadistic. YALL'R ALL GONNA FAIL!" She screamed at the top of her lungs before sending them each to their classes. About time. I really wanted some character dialogue around this point.
"Sheesh, the teacher's such a meanie, isn't she?" Young Olivia asks her two friends Jesse and Axel. Axel nodded before he bumped into Aiden.
"Ow!" Aiden yelped as he toppled over. He sat up and glared at Axel right before Maya and Gill walked up to them.
"Aiden! What happened?" Maya asked as she helped Aiden to his feet.
"That stupid green boy knocked me over!" Aiden pouted immaturely. Maya turned to face Axel before randomly targeting Olivia instead. Big mistake.
"Why you little... you keep away from us, creeps!" She shouted at Olivia before shooting her a mean and legally-profane hand-gesture. Olivia gasped in shock.
"That's not nice!" She shouted before clenching her fingers into fists.
"What're you gonna do about it?"
"I'm gonna throw a desk at your face, you fat hippo!" Olivia screamed. Frankly, never let it be said that Olivia's not a woman of her word. The short little girl of five rushed to another classroom and returned with a desk. She smashed Maya in the face with it, promptly turning away while dusting her hands. Maya threw the desk off of herself before growling at Olivia from behind like an angry werewolf.
"I'm gonna rip out your hair, you crazy chocolate bar!" Maya screeched before jumping onto Olivia and ripping at her pigtails. Olivia shrieked in pain as Maya continued to pull at the girl's hair. Olivia pulled out a spoon and jabbed Maya in the gut. Maya rolled off of Olivia, screaming in pain at the soft poke which, to the younguns, felt like a billion devils of a trillion bullets to the face! Olivia stood to her feet and started kicking Maya in the face before she was stopped by a pleading Jesse and Axel.
"Whoa! Olivia! Calm down, okay?" Jesse pleaded while he and Axel struggled to hold her back.
"NO ONE CALLS ME CHOCOLATE BAR BUT NOTCH! AND EVEN HE CAN'T DO THAT!" Olivia continued to ramble while fighting against her friends. "I'M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT AND SHOVE THEM INTO YOUR EARS, SO YOU'LL BE DEAF AND BLIND!" Olivia screamed furiously.
"I'd like to see your crazy friend try!" Gill shouted before walking up to Axel and kicking him between the legs. What a stupid thing to do. Axel doubled over, howling in E flat over high-C. Jesse couldn't hold Olivia back and the little rocket blasted at Maya. Maya screamed in fear as Olivia started picking at her eyelids. Maya bit Olivia on the leg, causing the other girl to fall over and clutch her knee. Everyone except for Gill and Jesse was crying. The two boys exchanged glances before a young Lukas walked up to them with a smile on his face.
"Hey guys! In art class we-"
"Well ain't that swell?" Jesse sneered, putting his hands on his hips. Lukas burst into tears and ran away to tell the principle.
LATER THAT DAY...
Everyone was in the cafeteria, except for Maya, Olivia and Axel. Maya and Olivia were in the nurse's office, while Axel was shipped off to the ER. Simply said, Gill had really strong legs. Lukas wouldn't stop crying. At all.
As they ate their impossible grey gruel, Jesse decided to try to spark up a conversation with a girl next to him. She wore a pink shirt, a black bandana and had blue hair.
"Uh... hi... I'm Jesse." Jesse greeted calmly and quietly.
"Hi! I'm Nohr! I'm from Boomtown! Blasting has defeaned me!" She shouted at Jesse with an unshakable smile and a deafeningly loud voice. "Hey! You wanna come to my house? We can blow up the cows!"
"... no thanks..."
"What?! I can't hear you! Speak up! I'm 75-percent deaf due to blasting of my parents at close-range! What's your name again?"
"I'm Jesse! I said 'No Thanks'!" Jesse repeated himself more loudly. Nohr choked on her food a bit.
"Jesse's the stupidest name I've ever heard! You need a better one. How about 'Gunnerdown'? It rhymes with 'Gun her down', Mason's last words before he blew my mom to smithereens. Left a huge hole in my dad's heart. Literally. Got a hole blown in his chest by other griefers." Nohr rambled nonstop before noticing that Jesse was gone. "Gunnerdown? Gunnerdown! Where'd yah go?"
Jesse continued to run to the bathroom before locking himself in one of the stalls. He sighed. He was safe now.
Oh, you're not safe, Jesse.
"Wh-what?! Who are you?!"
I'm your conscience, Jesse. And this is the teachers' lounge.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Jesse tried to run out of the room but ended up hitting his head on the way out. He was knocked unconscious for the rest of his life. Until ten minutes.
Author's Note:
Okay, just some crazy story about the kids surviving preschool! They'll get better, I promise! Come back soon! Also, scratch what I said about the Order. I might just add them for heck's sake! It's a crackfic. I don't remember these kinds of stories aiming for sensibility.