Disclaimer: I don't own the characters; their own makers own them.
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I can feel it. I think this is the end.
Oddly enough, I don't feel sad, frightened or even surprised about it all. I guess I wanted to die. Or maybe… I just had to die. Everyone dies right? One way or another… Now that I think about it, even my death is a stupid one. Why can't I have a grand death where I get to defeat a great god of some sort to protect my wife… my wife…
I guess I'm not making much sense am I? How could I when everything seems so hazy and dark? What time could it be right now? Is it still morning… afternoon… night? I lost track of time a long time ago, ever since I buried my heart in the ground… I had died a painful death when I finally saw clearly that she can never … ever… love me. This is why I guess this physical death won't mean much to me.
Shampoo… my darling wife. Would she miss me, or my cooking at least? Would she miss the way I sew her torn dresses and clean and sharpen her weapons lovingly as they slice my skin. I wonder… will she miss hurling things at me whenever she's in one of her moods, shouting words of hate and disgust at me for taking away her dream, for chaining her miserably to me through the sacred vow of marriage. I know now that there's no sanctity in that word for it had been nothing more than a status in our relationship. I guess I couldn't complain. It was my fault after all. Surely I was a bad husband to her. Heck… I was an undesirable husband to her.
Full of flaws, scars, and everything else in between, what a husband I must be. I should have tried harder. I shouldn't have ever had that illusion of her loving me, being my wife, bearing my children. Ha… what a fool. I am such a fool. Yes… I am Mu Tsu… the greatest fool of all time. I dreamt to be her lover, did everything I could (even things I wasn't aware that I was capable of doing) for her, for her happiness. I acted so immaturely that I must have been so annoying in our Nerima days. I kept on telling her, "Shampoo, you should love me, why can't you see that I love you so…" or "Shampoo, be my bride, I will make you happy."
At one point I did everything to make Ranma Shampoo's husband when I realized that it would make her happy, but deep inside, I knew I was still being selfish. I wanted to have her still. My resolve often softened whenever I saw her, whenever I pictured her with someone else. Oh what a great fool, a great selfish fool I had been.
I think she reached the breaking point at Ranma and Akane's wedding. She gave up on everything then. I've always thought that she was full of pride, so full of determination and strong will. However, her sadness led her to be desperate, clumsy, and foolish. She started to become like me, a blind idiot who kept on hoping for something she knew she could never have. It was then that I realized how stupidly I had acted. I realized that she can't love me. She made a fool out of herself, did things to try to impress Ranma, but I was aware that it would only make him loathe her and destroy the friendship that had remained between the two of them. I had stopped all her attempts. Saved her from killing Akane or any other person, saved her from killing herself. But now that I think about it, I think I caused her inner death.
At one point she was being so hard on herself, she looked so sad and desperate. I had asked her to live, if not for herself, I asked her to live for me. I knew I was meaningless to her; I knew that I was unimportant. I told her she didn't have anything to lose anyway. I would do my best to make her happy. After I had seriously uttered my pledge of love, she stood up dazedly, asked me to fight her, and I did. I think she had done it on purpose, but she did it in front of witnesses to see. They have told me that I won fair and square but I knew. I knew that she did it on purpose. It was like she took my words too seriously. She didn't have anything to lose; her pride was unimportant to her already, she's willing to marry me just for the heck of it all. She was a broken doll; she can now be the broken man's wife.
It is a known fact that it is very dishonorable for amazons to take their own lives in their own desperation, unless it is to be taken by an enemy. I guess this was why Shampoo succumbed to suffering a fate as awful as death. Sometimes I wished that I didn't ask her to marry me. Whenever I see her so sad and aloof, I wanted to cry to my ancestors, shout in my anguish. Why do things have to be this way? Why does it seem like I am killing her by saving her life? We had not uttered a word to each other in our wedding day, though she smiled at all the visitors and all our relatives. She even laughed and fondly embraced Akane, as if saying, I got over your husband now, I have one of my own and I love him. But she never smiled a real smile for me. No. She didn't give me that privilege. I didn't deserve it. I deserved to die.
We went back to our village in China. She bought a house for us, or I think her relatives gave it to her as a wedding gift. I tried my best to be a good homemaker. I decided that I should try to bring back color to Shampoo's cheeks;
I need to make her smile once more. She may never love me but at least I could make her love living again. Day in and day out I took care of things around the house. I cooked, washed the clothes, cleaned the house, and did all my other duties as an Amazon husband. I did all these in the hopes of keeping Shampoo's honor that the other Amazons may think that she at least got a dutiful husband though he is nothing more than a blind idiot. She was very considerate for she often defended me when she had to. But at home she was quiet and I could see that she often had that desire to lock me out, do anything to keep me away from her. She was my wife, but she was like a distant stranger. On the first few months of our married life, she rarely talked to me. She couldn't even stand being in the same room with me. We do not have a relationship that a husband and wife are supposed to have, much less a relationship friends are supposed to have. I understood her situation. It must be hard to be with someone you married out of convenience or desperation.
After a few months she started going out. She often had meetings of all sorts as I often waited even in the wee hours of the morning for her to get home. Once she didn't return for two whole days and I started getting worried. She went home before dawn, a smile dancing on her lips – which soon disappeared after she saw me waiting for her at our doorstep. I must've looked like one of those narrow-minded jealous husbands… but I must admit I was one. I knew that she didn't love me, and I had accepted it. But the thought of her being unfaithful to me… I gazed piercingly at her then and asked, "Are you happy now…?" then I grabbed her shoulders and kissed her forcefully. I had never done it before, not even during our wedding. I poured my heart in that kiss, and my jealousy drove me insane. I forced myself to her and did not stop until I heard her disgruntled cry. She pushed me away and ran inside the house. She locked herself in her room and I was left alone in my shame… What a fool I've been… What a prejudiced fool. Shampoo was not like that. She may not love me, but I'm sure that she wouldn't do anything to shame me. What a mistake…
After that incident, I avoided her. I worked more and more. After I have done my husbandly duties at home, I attended to our small farm. It belonged to Shampoo's father, and it hadn't been tended in years. I knew I had to do something productive while letting my wife have her way. I was afraid of not quelling my urges and hurting her once more. At night, I would be so tired that I could barely walk. Maintaining a farm and a household was more strenuous than training in Jusenkyo. Though I have to admit that keeping my feelings under control is the hardest thing of all. At night, I would stare at the stars, wish that I could take them and give them to Shampoo. I want nothing more than to please her, to make her proud. All I've wanted is to have her love me. I want so much to hold her in my arms and whisper sweet nothings in her ears… give her daughters to bring us honor someday. I yearned for these things for myself. I want to feel her love, her happiness. I want to feel, truly feel like her husband – the man that would keep her happy, satisfied. What a fool I've been… how can I have these things when she can barely stand the sight of me? Whenever we see each other at home, she would look at me with uneasy eyes and mumble an excuse to leave me alone. We rarely attended social functions, and it was a silent agreement that we charade to look like a happy couple in front of everyone else's eyes. It would be advantageous to both of us. It was some of the moments I had enjoyed in my life. Though I knew it was all a game of make pretend, some moments felt so real that my heart felt like it was beating again. Each moment, each second was firmly carved in my memory. I guess this is the reason why I'm still breathing up to this moment.
But in the dark and lonely nights, I have devilish yearnings to end my life. Things seemed to be worse for me and Shampoo when we have decided to get married. Sometimes I would see her from the corner of my eye, staring longingly at the beautiful birds that fly across the sky. It's like she wants to break free and do things she didn't get to do because… because she was tied to me. I too want to break away from the misery I had caused. Dying was the only way. Suicide was one of the most dishonorable acts but it was, ironically enough, the only decent way to end a marriage. A death of a spouse, particularly a husband, would mean total freedom for his wife. I had once thought that I would give Shampoo supreme happiness once I've given myself fully to her. I have been totally wrong. I tried to do it but I was too much of a coward to end my life. I didn't want it to end that way. Maybe that was why I drove my self to work harder. I started to tend to the farm so much that I skipped my meals often. After cooking meals for Shampoo, I eagerly left the house to start tilling the fields. That saved me from having to dine quietly with Shampoo. Maybe, with me not destroying the ambiance of the place, the food I had lovingly cooked for her would be more appetizing. Sometimes I would wake up in the middle of the field, realizing that I had slept or maybe fallen unconscious while working with the cabbages and the radishes. I would come home and see Shampoo looking at me with something like pity… or even anger in her eyes. Once I went home and was surprised when she asked me to go to her room but as I went to my room to change, my knees started to get weak and I couldn't resist the urge to rest for a while. Whatever chore Shampoo had for me had to wait. I was dead tired. She refused to talk to me the next day. I apologized by doubling my work. I made her beautiful silk dresses and got her expensive jewelry from the money I got from small farm's produce. She thanked me, and had a hint of a smile, and I felt like I was in heaven. I guess that's when I stopped thinking or planning my death. I was inspired to work harder, to give Shampoo more gifts.
I started to feel cold. I guess too much blood has left me already. Now I am reminded of my current state. I am such a fool, thinking that I can make Shampoo happy. I can't even fight to save my life.
I was walking in the woods this morning to look for those flowers she liked even as we were little. That's when I encountered that horrible beast… I guess it wasn't really a big beast, judging from the way it's writhing right now. Ha! It's going to die first before me. I chuckled despite my current situation. The stupid beast had sent forth my retribution. Now I just have to wait for my own death to come. It is a stupid death, I know but… well. I guess I can give Shampoo her happiness now. With me gone, everything would be fine again. I just hope she won't do anything bad to… no, she has matured a lot. I'm sure she wouldn't do anything that would risk her life, or her happiness. She won't make a mistake as grave as marrying a fool like me. At least… at least I can finally please her with my death. Would she shed a tear or two? Will she remember our friendship? Will she think of me…?
"Xian Pu… wo… wo ai ni…" I whispered in the wind, hoping it would make its way to her. Shampoo… I love you… I always have, I always will… I'm sorry for all that I've put you through… but I hope that at one point you felt it. You felt how much I truly love you.
It's getting darker… and darker… I couldn't resist closing my eyes… Shampoo… I love you… Goodbye…
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Author's notes: Yes, another shot at unrequited love from me. And just in case you're wondering, no, I don't have a tragic past; I'm just sadistic and a bit psycho. Mousse seems to be more mature in this one (but then again, he's often mature in fics) and might seem OOC. This is my 8th M/S fic and I must admit this is the first time I made him THIS serious
I finally got the time to update this and correct some grammatical/spelling errors. So there. If you noticed any thing weird or different, it's because I edited it a bit. Well anyway, I do hope you read the next chapter! ;)