Always One Step Behind You
Disclaimer: All the characters here belong to the author, Toda Kaoru.
A song I heard while watching a korean drama. Nice song and the lyrics reminded me of Kotoko and here it goes, a fanfic on Kotoko's POV. =)
I always wonder beneath all her stupidity, her never give up attitude, her cheerfulness, how she easily stand up after countless rejection by Naoki, won't there be times she is down, sad, losing confidence or even giving up? And so, this fic I tried to explore a different type of Kotoko, maybe her inner self (based on my imagination, random thoughts and deductions) while trying to retain her originality in the manga/anime/drama.
Hope you all enjoy this one-shot fic and hope I did achieve my objectives. =)
Enjoy reading!
The song: Loveholic- Dream of a Doll
Papa = Naoki's father
Mama = Naoki's mother
Kotoko had always known how far apart they were. She had been watching him since high school year one. Whenever they passed by each other in hallway, entrance of the school or gym.
"Kotoko-chan, what are you looking at?" Satomi asked as she followed Kotoko and looked at the hallway. "I only see the genius Irie."
Kotoko turned around and smiled.
"Why do you keep on looking at him? Give up, Kotoko. He is not interested in any of the girls and definitely not you."
"Yes I know," Kotoko said, sighing with disappointment. However her gaze just followed him before she realised it.
"Then let's go. We are going to be late for class if we continue standing here." Satomi held Kotoko's hand and headed to the classroom.
It was the release of the mid semester results. Kotoko looked at the result expectedly, his name clearly printed on the first place. As usual, he was the top and she was not even on the list, just like the distance between them. They would never have any intersection. That was what she strongly believed in.
Everything changed from the love letter she gave him.
It was her final year in high school and she wanted to give him and also to bring an end to her crush. She knew if she did not try, she would not give up. She did not wish to have any regrets.
In her third year, she finally mustered up the courage to give him her love letter.
"I don't want it," Naoki rejected coldly without hesitation.
And she thought that was the end of the story, not knowing fate had another plan for them.
You only look at far places
I'm right here you know
If you'd only turn your head
Just a little, you could see me
How it was at first was good
If you could just see me
But it seems I'm getting tired now of a never ending wait
It was another peaceful afternoon. Naoki was reading a medical book while Kotoko was sitting at the sofa, watching television.
Kotoko asked while her eyes fixed on the television. "Hey Irie-kun, have you ever wonder what will happen if I never give you the love letter? If my house didn't collapse, what do you think will happen to us?"
"Why the randomness?" Naoki asked indifferently.
"Nothing, just thinking."
"You must be too free until your mind start thinking about all these unnecessary, unimportant stuff. How about I test you on your medical knowledge?"
Not giving up, Kotoko nudged him, breaking her eyes away from the screen. "Irie-kun."
Rolling his eyes, Naoki answered. "No because I never expect to meet someone like you, it is not even in my thoughts at all. However, I know my life will be free of disaster and many headaches and much more smooth-sailing."
"But you won't get to experience all the human emotions, like anxiety, happiness and jealousy," Kotoko argued.
"Not a loss at all," Naoki answered coolly.
Kotoko sighed dramatically. "You will never understand the pain when I notice you and you didn't know of my existence. "
"Kotoko-chan, I can totally understand!" Mama suddenly exclaimed from behind.
Kotoko turned around, clasping Mama hands and cried out with emotions, touched, "Oh Mama!"
Both mother-in-law and daughter-in-law gazed at each other with mutual understanding, tears in their eyes.
"Irie-Kun, where are you going?" Kotoko asked as Naoki stood up.
"Upstairs to study in peace."
Naoki turned his back to her as he walked up the stairs, a sight she could not be any more familiar. She had been seeing it from the first day she had a crush on him. She was always behind him, watching him.
Sometimes, when she woke up seeing Naoki sleeping beside her, she could not help but feel unbelievable. The genius, Irie Naoki, actually was her husband.
Though his popularity with ladies never drop.
There were numerous times she attempted to end her feelings for him, though it failed with her weak willpower.
The first was their first kiss. Kotoko smiled sweetly at the memory. She meant what she said in the alley but partly was rashness as she was too angry and insulted as her feelings for him was treated as a joke.
The second was when she misunderstood Matsumoto and Irie-kun having a relationship as she saw him entering her apartment. At that moment, her mind was completely blank. She did not understand how she returned home. She knew her depression worries Mama and her friends but it was too sudden, she needed time to adjust to it. When she started to prepare to stop liking him, as she chose his happiness over hers, he came and brought her to Matsumoto sister. Her hope rekindled.
The last and most serious one was when Naoki went for a matchmaking session and started going out with Sahoko. She knew he was serious. It was totally different from any other time. Sahoko was the perfect woman for Irie-kun too, no matter how much she hated to admit it. She had the looks, the brain and from a wealthy background. Sahoko could cook much better food than her, would not create troubles and gave Irie-kun headaches. She was a guy ideal wife. If she was a guy, she would choose Sahoko too. That night when she cried in her room, it was meant to be an end. She started to go out on a date with Kinnosuke. It was an enjoyable experience, like what she dreamed a date supposed to be like. She started to try to forget and get over him though in the end her efforts end up in vain when she realised her feelings for him.
I was always one step behind you
Will you forever be unable to see me?
While looking at me,
While speaking with your hands...
I will always love you
Kotoko was in her room, doing up her patient's report. Deciding to take a break, she took out the photo album from the drawer. It contained lots of pictures Mama took since she moved in, such as their graduation photos, the family vacation and their wedding. Kotoko smiled nostalgically at those memories. Who would have thought she would marry him? Not even her. Life can be so unpredictable.
Beneath the albums, Kotoko spotted the love letter. The first love letter she wrote with full of grammatical mistakes. When she gave him the love letter, it was the first and last time she talked to him or so she thought.
The collapse of her house changed everything. Her father and Irie-kun's father were actually best friends since junior high. Moved into the Irie's family house since then, she gets to see and talk to Irie-kun everyday, much to his annoyance. It was like a dream come true. Under the same roof, she got to see the various sides of him, for example his cold, indifferent self, his helplessness when it came to his mother and his disinterest in almost everything.
Kotoko was shocked when he had no intention to study university. He is a genius. How could he not go university? That was when she first learnt even a genius also has troubles.
"Stop day-dreaming and concentrate on your report," Naoki chided from behind, hitting her head gently with his folder in his hand.
Kotoko turned around and jumped, circling her arms around him, excited. "Irie-kun, welcome home!"
Naoki held her tightly and put her gently on the floor before scolding her, "Have you forgotten your current condition? You are pregnant!"
Kotoko smiled sheepishly.
"Have more sense of self-awareness can you?" he added, his concern evident in his tone.
"With you around, I will be all right," Kotoko answered confidently. "I thought you are not coming home today." Kotoko remembered he was on night-shift.
"Here's your milk," Naoki gave her the glass of milk.
Kotoko sipped it obediently while Naoki took the album from her and closed it.
"Irie-kun."
Then Naoki took her report and scanned it, circling those with errors with pencil.
"Full of grammatical mistakes, spelling errors and lack of details. Until your report is more acceptable, stop day-dreaming," Naoki remarked. "I'll be leaving soon after having a quick shower."
Kotoko looked at the report, sighing. It was going to take her hours to correct it. "Irie-kun, you can shower it in the hospital to save time. You need to have enough rest," Kotoko said concerned. She would never forget how he once end up in hospital due to insufficient rest and never wanted that incident to be repeated again. It was like a nightmare to her.
"Worry for yourself first. How's your condition today?"
"Fine."
"Remember don't stay up late to wait for me. Sleep early."
Kotoko nodded and resumed her report, not noticing the tenderness in Naoki's smile as he looked at her studying the mistakes. Naoki took his change of clothes and entered the bathroom.
Every day I have a dream
A dream of you and I speaking to each other
But you can't know the pain afterwards
"Thank you sensei." A middle-aged lady bowed gratefully as Naoki stepped out of the operating theatre.
"It's my job. His condition has stabilised. You can go to the ward and visit him," Naoki said in a cool and professional manner.
"Thank you," the middle-aged lady said once more and left.
"Irie-kun." Kotoko never doubted he would not be a successful doctor. She was always happy to see Irie-kun helped someone, just like in her dreams.
"I just passed by. I'm going to the ward soon," Kotoko explained at Naoki's suspicious look.
Kotoko pushing the tray of food for the patients as both of them walked together. "Is the operation difficult?"
"No."
"Earlier Mum called and said she will come over around lunch time. Are you free?"
Since her pregnancy, Mama would come over whenever she free and brought home-cooked food for her, saying it is more nutritious and healthier than staff canteen.
"Yes."
"Then I'll ask Mum to bring extra,"Kotoko said happily.
They talked for a few minutes before being interrupted by a doctor who came to Naoki to discuss about the upcoming operation.
She was happier than anyone, seeing him fulfilled his dreams. She understood better than anyone the struggles Irie-kun been through to achieve it. As a genius, he was able to do anything. Precisely because of that, he did not know what he really wanted to do. He wanted to be his like their fathers who did jobs they were passionate about. However when he decided on something, he would do it. To be independent, he moved out of the house. To be a doctor, he studied and took the transfer exam to medical school, hiding it from his parents. Even so, there were circumstances beyond his control, for example his father heart attack. He almost gave up his long-found dream in order to save the company. Understanding what it took for him to find his dreams and the sadness of giving it up due to circumstances, she hugged him and cried. The only thing she could do.
It was then she realised there are things beyond anyone control even a genius was not spare.
Thus, she knew he was serious with Sahoko at that time. To save the company, he could do it. Irie-kun would not allow the company his father worked hard for to go bankrupt. Kotoko knew it was evil of her to try to break up their matchmaking but she did not want to give him up yet. Her feelings for him grew deeper with each passing years when she lived under the same roof as him. The final straw was when he told her to look for someone else.
She started going out on dates with Kinnosuke and even seriously contemplate marriage with him. Since she could never have Irie-kun, why not marry someone who able to help her father restaurant? At least her father and Kinnosuke would be happy. Who knows, love grows with him and one day, she would grow to love Kin-chan. That was what she firmly believed.
She realised how deep her love for him was when Kin-chan tried to kiss her. Even so she meant it when she said to Irie-kun she would marry Kin-chan. She would stop loving him the moment he was married, no matter what. She would move out of Tokyo if necessary.
During her final year in university, she realised how lost and clueless she was. Everyone had a dream, a goal except her. Kinnosuke was a cook, Satomi wanted to be an office lady, Zinko wanted to be a music editor in a music magazine and Irie-kun on his pathway to be a doctor. She attempted to be a teacher which ended in disaster.
Then she received her results and failed to graduate. And that was her first serious quarrel with him. She knew it was unfair for her to say he had it easy and would not understand her, especially watching the efforts he put in to go into medicine. His words made her reflect on how dependent she was on him. She started working in a restaurant and reflecting on what she wanted to do. Finally she chose to be a nurse and with the help of Irie-kun, she successfully transferred.
It was only the beginning. The practical lessons, the reports and the numerous technical terms with complicated spelling she must remember made her realised she had a long way to go.
Kotoko reacted nonchalantly with the attention Naoki was receiving from female nurses, doctors and patients. She was on the way back to the nurse station after bringing a patient to the x-ray room to the radiology department when she came across this familiar sight which she seen countless time.
"There you are. Worried?" Motoki spoke from behind, walking towards Kotoko, his arms sling over Kotoko's shoulder.
Kotoko shook her head. In the past yes but not now anymore.
With years of experiences, this was nothing. When she first transferred to nursing, she hid her identity when she realised his popularity. During her first internship during her nursing course, when the nurses realised she was his wife, they stopped giving her advices and even made sardonic remarks. As if life was not difficult enough, her first patient to take care of was a difficult eighty years old lady named Yoshida, known for making internship nurses quit, who also likes Naoki. With her determination and willpower, she successfully completed her internship.
"Come on, Shimizu is calling all of us."
Kotoko nodded her head and walked with Motoki to the nurse station.
In the beginning, it was hard to believe she actually married to her crush for six years, something she wished for but never expected it to come true. Despite his assurance that he chose her because he loves her and she was the person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with, Kotoko still felt insecure. It was too good to be true.
How can his love compare to hers, who loves him since high school? Thus it took her quite some time to trust in Irie-kun decision and feelings. He chose her over women who are so much better than her, such as Matsumoto who has the looks and the brain and Sahoko, a perfect woman in all ways. Since he chose her, she must have more faith and confidence in herself. No matter what, the fact she was his wife was indisputable. She was the one who wakes up beside him every day and the person he choose to spend his life with.
"Actually you don't have to worry at all. Irie-sensei chooses you over many other women which are better than you in countless ways."
Kotoko glared angrily while Motoki laughed, patting on her back comfortingly. "This has to be one of the hundred and one mysteries in the world that we can never find an answer."
During their nursing days, Motoki and their friends did entertain thoughts that Kotoko and Irie relationship would not last long. They gave up soon after as they saw the changes in Irie when it concerns Kotoko, the most unforgettable being Irie confession in the canteen.
"I'm already used to it. Irie popularity with females will never drop," Kotoko said with a resigned sigh. Every year, their mailbox will be flooded with New Year cards and Christmas cards. During Valentine's day, the supply of chocolates is enough to last the household for weeks, as Yuki popularity with girls also not any worse than his brother.
Motoki smiled meaningfully. Kotoko will never understand how much Irie loved her, with her thick-headedness and stupidity. Who would have thought a guy who has everything, intelligence, look and good family background, will actually feel jealous?
At the staff canteen, Mama was already there.
"Mum," Kotoko greeted cheerfully as she took a seat. She was the luckiest daughter-in-law in the world as she has the best mother-in-law. Kotoko knew how fortunate she was as problems between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law never existed for her. They got along great like real mother and daughter.
"Kotoko-chan, you have to be careful," Mama said concerned.
Kotoko smiled. "Yes, I know. Wow, the food looks good," she praised, amazed as Mama displayed the food she cooked. "Itadakimasu."
"Where's Onii-chan? How can he not be by his pregnant wife side?"
"He's busy. I can take care by myself, no worries," Kotoko assured as she started on her meal.
"Hi Aunty!" A few voices greeted from behind.
Kotoko turned around. They were her nursing friends.
"The food looks good," Tomoko commented.
"How lucky," Marina added.
"You should share the good stuffs," Keita said.
"Exactly," Motoki agreed.
They were her friends and teammates during her nursing course. They did projects and practical lessons together.
"Can't wait for Kotoko to go on maternity leave," Motoki remarked while eating.
"We'll have months of peace with lesser troubles," Marina added.
"The patients would be happier too," Keita said.
"Hey!" Kotoko was insulted.
"You all shouldn't be so critical though it is true," Tomoko said in a neutral tone.
Kotoko sighed.
Motoki patted her on her back. "Pregnant lady must be cheerful, not sad. And we will miss the liveliness too."
Kotoko looked at him, touched.
Mama smiled gratefully. "I'll be counting on you all to look after Kotoko for the coming months."
"No problem Aunty and we will keep a more careful watch on her, considering her clumsiness," Keita promised.
"Hey!"
"We'll also pray for the baby not to take after Kotoko's brain. One Kotoko is enough," Marina teased laughing.
Kotoko glared at them. "Are you my friend?"
"Precisely why we are so honest with you," Keita answered coolly.
"Humph."
Keita, a person she would forever be grateful to. If not for him, she would not understand Irie-kun's unspoken feelings.
It was one of their most serious fights. During that time, Irie-kun gave her the cold shoulder after the family outing cum school project with her nursing teammate. They rarely talked to each other. Most of the time, they did their own respective studies and by the time she returned to her room, he was already asleep The breaking point was when she attempted to talk to him about their wedding anniversary celebration and he was indifferent to it. She vented out all her insecurity which she had been hiding and even threw books at him. He never loves her at all, or so she thought.
Unbeknownst to her, Irie-kun was dealing his own inner emotions, trying to understand the weird feelings he felt, not knowing it was called jealousy. It was his confession in the canteen that caused her to regain her confidence and that he loves her.
Kotoko smile widen as she spotted Naoki walking towards them. "Irie-kun."
"Earlier, Keita and the others came and …" Kotoko started telling him what happened earlier. It was just a normal, casual conversation but it was something she did not dare to dream in the past. Talking to him like this as if it was a natural thing, having meals with him and his family and able to observe him at such a close distance, she never thought it would happen.
"Onii-chan, don't forget this coming Saturday you are to attend the pre-natal lessons with Kotoko-chan," Mama reminded him, not noticing the surprised look on Kotoko.
"Yes Mum, I know," Naoki said coolly while giving Kotoko a look which told her he knew and she gave him a sheepish smile in return. Kotoko heaved a sigh of relief, glad she did not confirm the meet up date with Satomi and Zinko, which the three of them discussed a few days ago.
Then Mama started telling Kotoko about her pregnant days, the things to take note of during the pre-natal lessons and the plans she had for her future granddaughter, not considering the probability of a grandson at all.
Kotoko was busy in a conversation with Mama that she did not notice the subtle gentleness in Naoki's eyes as he saw the all too familiar scene of the wonderful bond between his mother and Kotoko but never tired of it.
I was always one step behind you
Will you forever be unable to see me?
While looking at me,
While speaking with your hands...
I will always love you
"Kotoko, welcome!"
Kotoko smiled warmly at Christine cheery voice as she stepped into Kinnosuke's restaurant. Kotoko was so glad to see Kinnosuke realising his dream since high school days.
"Hi Christine, Kin-chan," Kotoko greeted cheerily as she took a seat at the long row of table where Kinnosuke was standing behind, cutting the ingredients, preparing the customers' order.
Christine placed a cup of hot green tea in front of her. "Today is your rest day?"
Kotoko nodded.
"Here you go, the special tonic soup for pregnant lady," Kinnosuke announced proudly and put the bowl in front of Kotoko. "Christine drank it earlier."
"It is really delicious. Anything he makes taste fantastic," Christine said dreamily.
"Stop it!" Kinnosuke chided lightly out of embarrassment.
Kotoko smiled warmly at their closeness with a tinge of envy. The hundred and two mysteries would be why Christine chose Kinnosuke. With her looks, there would never be any lack of suitors, not to mention she was from a rich family. When Kotoko first saw her fiancé, she was shocked as there was someone who actually looked like Irie-kun. Christine rejected the fiancé chosen by her father and picked Kinnosuke instead. Kotoko was happier than anyone that Kin-chan found someone he loves too and he deserved it too, nothing but the best. She had always felt guilty for unable to reciprocate his feelings.
Now the both of were happily married and going to welcome the arrival of their child soon too. Christine pregnancy was discovered a few months after Kotoko, much to the joy of everyone, especially Kinnosuke.
Kotoko breathed in deeply the smell emitting from the bowl and took a spoonful of it.
"It's great!" Kotoko praised and finished the rest of it fervently.
"That's right! I told you so," Christine piped in enthusiastically with a smirk on her face as she sat beside Kotoko.
"Kotoko, when will you be on maternity leave?" Kinnosuke asked out of concern, seeing how her tummy is growing bigger. "You should rest more and stop working."
Kotoko smiled and answered, "For as long as I can. Work is enjoyable after all and I get to work with Irie-kun, though not frequently."
Kotoko sighed at the thought of it. Though it is not unexpected, she was hoping for an improvement after a few years. Unfortunately, her wish has not come true yet which is nothing surprising. Her wishes mostly never end up going the way she wanted. When she joined the tennis club during her university days, hoping to see more of Irie-kun, her first honeymoon which ended up with constant interruption with Mari until the last day, during her first internship as a nursing student in her second year where she was responsible to take care of a troublesome, demanding old lady were some examples. There were so many cases that she did not bother to keep track of it anymore and she accepted it quite readily.
Christine looked at Kotoko with adoration and clasped her hands tightly, saying, "Yes, that's the attitude and I intend to do the same. I will be here helping out as long as I can and to prevent any female customers from targeting Kinnosuke!"
"No! I will not allow that! You are to rest the moment your stomach start showing!" Kinnosuke said firmly.
Christine ignored him and continued to complain to Kotoko. "Do you know he actually wanted to stop me from helping out here when we first learn of the news of my pregnancy? How could he? I'm not that weak at all and it is discrimination against pregnant women. If not for me negotiating with him, fighting for my own rights, I will be at home right now."
"It is for your own good," Kinnosuke defended. "And more like you threaten me to go back to England if I don't give in."
"I'm not that weak! There are countless pregnant women in the working force. You must have more confidence in me."
"Better to be safe."
"This is called unreasonable."
Kotoko smiled warmly at their argument. Their interaction was completely different between Irie-kun and her. Irie-kun tended to be more indifferent, cool and practical while she was the opposite. Their conversation, she was the more enthusiastic one and sometimes felt quite one sided as she shared with him the happenings around while he listened quietly with some remarks. Such heated arguments rarely occurred between them except for one occasion, the most serious quarrel between them. It was during her second year nursing when he gave her the cold shoulder for days, making her felt so insecure, worried and started doubting about their marriage. Irie-kun being unenthusiastic about their second year wedding anniversary was the breaking point and she started throwing books at him, venting out all her anxiety and frustration. Much to her delight, he was jealous, an emotion she never thought he was capable of. The confession in the canteen was something she reminisced countless times and not sick of it.
Even so, she still lacked confidence on his love for her. Maybe she had been noticing him quietly for far too long and the fact that her wish actually came true was a bit hard to believe. He could choose woman with much higher calibre than her, such as Matsumoto, Sahoko but since he chose her, she would not disappoint him. She continuously worked hard to be the best wife for him to the best of her ability so that he would be proud of her. Being a nurse, supporting him by the side was one of them.
Kotoko opened her eyes drowsily and felt the empty space beside the bed. She looked at the clock on the bedside table.
2:30a.m.
"Is he still working on his papers?" Kotoko thought to herself. She knew he was working on his thesis as the submission for it is nearing.
Getting up and put on her slippers, she walked towards the study room and saw the dim of the light flickering from the slightly ajar door.
"Irie-kun?" Kotoko whispered as she pushed the door open softly.
Naoki turned around and was surprised to see her. "Shouldn't you be sleeping?" He asked, concerned as he got up and walked towards her.
"I'm thirsty and wanted to go to the kitchen to pour myself a glass of water. Still working on your research?"
Naoki nodded.
"Don't overwork yourself," Kotoko said gently. She did not forget how he was hospitalised as he had long hours of operations consecutively without sufficient rest and sleep though partly it was her fault as she ran down the stairs too eagerly in giving him the bento she especially prepared and thus missed a step.
"I'll be sleeping soon," Naoki assured. "One more chapter."
Kotoko nodded. "I'll go get some water."
"I'll go with you."
Kotoko shook her head. "I'm fine. Just finish your reading quickly and sleep."
Giving him less trouble and being more independent were another.
As Kotoko was walking down the stairs, a sense of giddiness overcame her. Kotoko leaned against the wall for support while trying to figure out what was wrong with her limited knowledge. She had been a nurse for years and yet still could not deduce her symptoms. She hated herself for her stupidity. It had been happening for quite some time but did not dare to ask the doctors and nurses around, afraid they will inform him. This would disturb with his current project, the last thing she wanted.
It was time to make a trip to the library, Kotoko made a mental note.
Unfortunately, her plan did not go smoothly as she wished.
The first day, Mama was shopping with her friends and as it was near the hospital area, Kotoko and her return home together.
The next day which was her rest day, Christine, Satomi and Zinko came for a surprise visit and they made a trip to the temple together to pray for Christine and Kotoko smooth delivery and went for a tea session soon after.
The next few days, with the flu epidemic, the hospital was more busy than normal so she left the hospital a few hours later than normal and the library was closed by then,
And now, she was on night shift and it just ended.
"Nishigaki-sensei, thanks for your hard work," Kotoko said courteously as Nishigaki walked passed.
Irie-kun was busying typing his thesis as usual.
"Irie-kun, let's go home together," Kotoko said cheerily.
Naoki looked at her apologetically. "Sorry, I don't think I can leave anytime soon."
"Really?" Kotoko said, trying to mask her disappointment.
"Yes, it won't end so fast. Why don't you go ahead first?"
Kotoko smiled softly and said, "I understand. Good luck."
As she was travelling, she started feeling light-headed. She tried to stay conscious, hoping to reach home and have some rest. It worsened further as she climbed up the stairs of the overhead bridge till she had to kneel down.
"I should have taken the taxi," Kotoko reprimanded herself.
"What should I do, Irie-kun?" Kotoko thought silently. "It really hurts."
Just then, she heard a lady voice.
"Are you all right?" the person asked gently.
Kotoko forced a smile. "Yes."
She tried her best to stand up with her willpower but she could feel her giddiness giving way. Her sight blurred and before she knew it, she sank into darkness.
Sorry Irie-kun, it seemed like I gave you trouble again.
That was her last thought before she lost consciousness.
People asked me
Why I just look at one place so much
I couldn't understand it myself, my mind
Like a small doll, only facing you
Kotoko sat at the bench not far from the Isshiki family home, enjoying the sight and breeze alone. She came here again, Irie-kun maternal grandparents hometown. She could still remember vividly how happy she was at that moment when Irie-kun and her going on a private trip together for the first time, fantasising hot springs, candle light dinner and sight-seeing, hand in hand only to end up in disappointment, as usual.
It was totally nothing like what she wished for. They ended up in a remote area, surrounded by field cultivating with all kinds of crops, roads with not many vehicles and houses sparsely distributed. It felt like she was doing decades back, to the time before the advancement of Japan.
As if not bad enough, she was being trained to do all kinds of household chores by his grandfather, tested by his cousins by asking her about their homework, helping out with their holiday assignments and tending to the field. It was so tough and she almost complained to Mama when she called over but cut off by his grandfather who took the phone and spoke to Mama instead. Just when she wondered when would all this end, Irie-kun grandfather said he would acknowledge her as Irie-kun wife by just picking the fruits behind the hill. It was like a ray of hope for her, no more cleaning, no more washing, no more picking eggs from the chicken coop, no more endless tasks under constant scrutiny. Kotoko readily and happily agreed. What is picking fruits behind the hill compared to the chores she had gone through for days? It turned out not as easy as she thought and almost gave up. Without the help of the Isshiki family ancestor, she did not know what would happen to her.
Years passed. The two twins grew up and started to enter grade school. The older cousins started middle or high school, some even entered college. Some roads currently under repair or maintenance, old houses being tore down, new houses being build but some things never change. For example the wide green pasture, the tranquillity, the slow-paced lifestyle and farmers sowing seeds for the next crop. Kotoko just finished picking the eggs from the hens, under the scrutiny of Irie-kun grandfather. As for Kotomi, she was the center of attention, being well-loved and entertained by the grandparents and relatives.
Kotoko sighed. Life is never fair.
Deep in her thoughts, Kotoko did not notice the approaching shadow from behind.
"There you are," Naoki remarked, his tone slightly reprimanding.
Kotoko turned around, surprised. "Irie-kun."
Like Kotomi, Naoki was being constantly surrounded by people, especially more so now since he was a trained doctor. People started asking him for advices and consult him if they feel unwell. Maybe it was an occupational hazard, he did a health check up on his family members.
They were proud of his achievements, like her. She was happier than anyone, watching him enjoying his job, especially when she saw how much he been through to be at his current stage. Despite being a genius, there were times when he was lost. She remembered clearly how he was contemplating to enter for college or not and he switched to medicine midway in his degree, determined to pursue his dream.
Naoki shook his head. "You just can't stay still, do you?"
Earlier, she was within his sight and next moment, she was gone. With her stupidity and lack in sense of direction, it would not be a surprise if Kotoko was lost despite not her first time.
Kotoko linked her arms with Naoki, smiling blissfully. "Finally we have some private time together."
Life here was as hectic as ever when she first came. Although his cousin did not make life difficult for her like in the first time as their attention was on Kotomi, Irie-kun grandfather still as demanding as ever, if not more, as she was a mother now, his grandfather claimed.
"What are you doing here?" Naoki asked.
"Just daydreaming and enjoying the breeze."
Naoki hit her lightly on the head and remarked, "Stop with all those unnecessary thoughts. I believe you have dream more than your fair share and time to return to reality."
Kotoko smiled sheepishly. "Life is amazing, isn't it? Who ever thought we will end up together?"
"Mum and you," Naoki answered with certainty. He would never forget the numerous attempts his mum did to make Kotoko and him together.
Kotoko smiled and answered her tone wistful. "No, I hope and wish but I never expect it."
Just like how many women wish to marry a rich guy but how many actually succeed? How women had their own dream, ideal guy but end up marrying someone far from it. That was why it was called a dream as it was close to unattainable.
She had been watching him from afar since she first saw him during the presentation speech during high school first year. The gap between them was too wide. That love letter she gave him was to bring a conclusion to the three years long crush. She did not want to give up without trying, even if the chance of success is close to 0%.
Since she became his wife, it felt too good to be true that even now, occasionally she would wake up and pinch herself to prove it was real.
"Didn't I tell you to stop all the unnecessary thoughts?"
"Well, you can't deny that I'm far from the type of wife you will marry, that I'm the type you will stay far away from or may not even talk to if not for the earthquake," Kotoko argued surely. "I hate to admit it but Sahoko is closer to the type of wife you should marry. You can't deny it right?"
She remembered clearly the times when she and Matsumoto-san saw the matchmaking lunch. After numerous failed attempts and Irie-kun going out a few dates with her, Matsumoto also admitted defeat and agreed that Sahoko had much better qualities.
In return, with his usual cool tone, Naoki said, "Recently there are some new short courses for nurses to attend to upgrade their skills and knowledge. I think I should sign you up for it too."
"NO!" Kotoko exclaimed in protest.
"And no asking me for help," he added.
"Irie-kun, I've to take care of Kotomi, she is still young."
"But she is much more independent than you and there is Mum. I'm sure Kotomi will be happy and proud to learn her mother studying and upgrading herself. It is beneficial for your future and patients."
Kotoko groaned.
And what Naoki did next surprised her. He kissed her lips, his hand supporting the back of her head, not allowing any chance for Kotoko to push away. Kotoko stiffened at first which made Naoki kissed her deeper. Slowly, Kotoko relaxed and circled her arms around Naoki and his kiss became gentler.
Until Kotoko thought she was dying from lack of oxygen, he released her. Kotoko breathed heavily, gasping for air. Somehow the kiss felt different from usual. It was rough initially and seemed to have a hint of anger in it. Angry? Irie-kun?
Kotoko heard some children laughter and it hit her back to reality. They actually kissed here? Kotoko looked around and was relieved that no one caught them.
Caressing her cheeks gently, he whispered, "Have more confidence in yourself, idiot. I won't do things I regret."
"True, even if you marry Sahoko, there is nothing to regret," Kotoko agreed fully, a twinkle of mischief in her eyes.
Naoki shot her a cold glare.
Kotoko grinned brightly and hugged him. "I love you," Kotoko whispered, her voice so earnest there was no doubt on how much she meant it.
"I love you too." Naoki tightened his hold on her.
Kotoko was confident they would be together always and grow old together. Kotoko smiled blissfully as she leaned her head on Naoki shoulder, surrounded by the greenery and the peace of the village.
I was always one step behind you
Will you forever be unable to see me?
While looking at me,
While speaking with your hands...
I will always love you
Forever, I will stay with you
-The End-
©Crazebluez
p.s: No need to wait for updates. Happily completed!