The Mostly Hair Related Antics of Lucius Malfoy

by Duchess of Inkling

By now you should recognise this story as the millionth series in that infamous saga, The Pureblood Antics of Lucius Malfoy. This time, as I noticed a trend, I've renamed it to include the hairobsession. HBP spoilers.

1. Chapter 1

(AN: Welcome back, dear bitches, for another round of meat-beating good times. I mean, another series of those Malfoy-y Antics we all know and love. You are all cordially invited to the literary ride of your lives. This time it shall be faster, funnier, and more evil than ever, so you are advised to leave now if you are of a sensitive disposition or a Kaiser Chiefs fan. The dress code is "insanely formal", the password is "The Duchess of Inkling owns my body and my soul". Be sure to have the password memorised, as well as tattooed on your nubile young body. Remember that you are to bring your own drinks, and to leave them with the hostess upon entry. Warmest regards, The Duchess of Inkling)

Chapter One: Rapunzelucius

Severus Snape was standing in front of Malfoy Manor feeling cross. He was feeling cross because he had been ringing the doorbell for twenty minutes now, and there had been no answer. At all. Not as much as a house elf's squeal. "Hhm." Snape said, crossly. He was just thinking of leaving the whole thing and going home, when suddenly a curtain of blonde hair closed between him and the door. "What the…" he murmured, looking up. Peering out from a third floor window, was the head of Lucius Malfoy, and trailing down from it, was the largest quantity of hair Snape had ever seen in his life, including that time he made Longbottom try out the first year's hair serums on himself in detention.

"Ah, Severus," Lucius said loudly above him. "Why don't you come up?"

"I can't," Snape said, "the door won't open."

"Honestly," Lucius said, shaking his head ruefully, the twelve foot long hair shimmering before Snape's eyes, "must you have everything spelt out for you? Climb up my hair." Snape muttered something rude under his breath, and folded his arms over his chest.

"You must be insane." Snape said. "I am not climbing up your hair."

"It's okay," Lucius said. "I used Solomon Scruff's Strengthening Shampoo on it this morning."

"I am NOT climbing up your hair, Lucius," Snape said, turning around.

"Are you sure?" Lucius called at him, "I've got chocolate frogs…?"

"Chocolate frogs…" Snape whispered. Then he turned around, and climbed up Lucius' hair quicker than the world champion hair-climber when he set the world hair-climbing record for quickest hair-climbing at the hair-climbing Olympics of 1978 in Hair-Climbing, Lincolnshire.