Title: Shattered
Penname: Lillyana
Characters: Bella
Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight. I own to the fact that I break perfectly nice things.
Can't Take My Eyes Off You written by Bob Crewe and Bob Gaudio
When You Were Young by The Killers
Author's Note: Please be forewarned that there are acts of violence and graphic language in this fiction. My intention is not to offend anyone. This is a story of angst.
You sit there in your heartache
Waiting on some beautiful boy to
save you from your old ways
You play forgiveness
Watch it now ... here he comes!
The Killers, When You Were Young
***
PRESENT DAY – Bella, age 26
I wanted to scream at him. I wanted to slap him. Hard. I wanted to rip out his heart as he had done to mine.
I wanted to grab his arm and stop him from walking away. I wanted to grab his wild bronze hair and hold his head and in my hands. I wanted to kiss him and remind him of the love we'd shared since we were young.
I couldn't do any of these things. Edward had taken my glass heart in his hands and shattered it. He'd known my heart was made of glass and promised me he'd look after it. He told me he could never break something so beautiful and perfect.
I grabbed the note again and read it, struggling to see through my tear-filled eyes.
Bella –
This can't be a surprise to you. Things haven't been working right for a while now. I've accepted a position in Portland. I wish things were different. I loved you for so long. All I wonder is when you stopped loving me. You cut me out, Bells. You shut down and I can no longer endure your silence.
Edward
I cut him out? I shut down? How can this bastard say such things? How can he leave without giving me a chance to talk to him? It was convenient he'd found a position in Portland.
I suppose Tanya can comfort and love him now.
I slammed my hand down on the table. "FUCK!"
My cat looked at me with wild eyes. She'd been watching me cautiously since I'd read the note. I'd been pacing and talking to myself. I was a grown woman who'd gone off the deep end.
"Fucking coward," I cried.
How did we get here?
***
He doesn't look a thing like Jesus
But he talks like a gentleman
Like you imagined when you were young
The Killers, When You Were Young
***
10 YEARS BEFORE – Bella, age 16
"Bells! Come on! Just put on the shoes and let's go to the bonfire." Alice whined.
I crossed my arms across my chest, "no way Alice. We'll be the only ones without dates. You know these things are total make out parties." I glared at her.
"Since when do you care? I thought you didn't even like boys? Besides I already got you into the dress, it's only a matter of time before the shoes go on." Alice giggled.
I threw the shoes at her. She was right, I didn't like boys. I mean, I'm only sixteen. I knew that half the girls in my class were already having sex, but I wasn't in any rush. I've never even been kissed.
My internal battle must have distracted me more than I thought because Alice had clasped the heels on my feet and I knew avoiding the bonfire was no longer an option.
"Let's go! It will be fun. I heard that the boys from LaPush will be there. Fresh meat, Bella, fresh meat." Alice grinned.
"I'm a vegetarian," I grumbled.
"Bullshit, you're just shy. Let's find you a nice piece of Quileute. I'm so over these Forks boys." Alice said as she dragged me downstairs.
***
Alice pulled into the First Beach parking lot. It was already crowded. I really hoped no one was drinking; Charlie had given us stern looks when we told him we were going out. We promised there wouldn't be any drinking, but he knew better and so did we.
We climbed out of Alice's car and looked around. "Looks like the Cullen's are here. I wonder if Jasper is too," Alice whispered to me.
I shrugged at her and rolled my eyes, so much for being over Forks boys. Jasper was a Junior and we were lowly Sophomores. Alice was special though, if she wanted something, she'd get it.
Jasper's best friend was Edward Cullen who was also a Junior. He was beautiful, with copper colored hair, piercing green eyes and perfect broad shoulders. Not even Alice knew I harbored a serious crush on him…I think.
She poked me in the ribs to get my attention and pointed across the sand. I followed her manicured finger over to the beach, where we saw Jasper talking to Edward and Emmett. Emmett, Edward's older brother, was dating the perfect Rosalie, Jasper's twin sister. Alice and Rose had bonded over fashion. Rose loved Alice, but she merely tolerated me. I tried to stay out of her way.
"Ali! Come over here!" Rosalie had spotted us and beckoned us to her.
Alice danced across the sand to the log that Rosalie was seated on. Her blonde hair was piled on top of her head making it look like she was wearing a crown. She was even seated regally. Forks had its very own queen, Rosalie Hale. I snorted at my internal joke and felt everyone look at me; I hadn't realized it was so loud.
"Something funny, Swan?" Rosalie asked in an irritated tone.
"Uhh, ahh, no…" I stammered. I could feel my face heat up in embarrassment.
"Rose, did you see the new Vogue?" Alice asked her.
"?" Rosalie says in one breath.
With Alice distracted, I made my hasty retreat to a log close to the water. The evening was fairly warm for Forks so I wrapped my sweater tightly around my waist and glanced back at Alice. She looked so at home in their group, I knew it was only a matter of time before I lost her to them.
I turned my attention back to the waves and watched them roll in and out. The sound of them breaking on the shore was so loud I didn't hear the footsteps behind me. "Mind if I join you?" a male voice asked me.
I yelped in surprise and turned around. A tall Quileute boy was standing behind me, looking a bit sheepish for startling me.
"I'm sorry; I didn't mean to scare you. You just looked kinda lonely over here," he stammered.
I smiled at him; this was when I met Jacob Black.
***
ONE YEAR LATER – Bella, age 17
"Bella, you are so beautiful," Jacob breathed as he kissed me. "I love how your blush goes all the way from your cheeks to your perfect tits. I wish you'd let me see them."
I hated these moments. Jacob and I had been dating since the bonfire. We'd made a connection sitting on the beach together. He asked me out that night and I said yes. After that, I was no longer a kissing virgin. To Jake's dismay, I was still a virgin in other ways.
He'd been changing up his tactics to get me to give in to sleeping with him. "But, Bells, everyone is doing it."
He tried using love. "But Bells, I just love you so much. I want to be as close to you as I can. Don't you love me too?"
Of course I loved him, I told him so. I also said I just wasn't ready. Then he told me if I was a good girlfriend, I'd at least try to please him somehow. One night, at a drunken beach party, I'd consented to at least try to please him. I didn't want to lose him. Everyone else had boyfriends or girlfriends. Alice had been dating Jasper for the last nine months. Of course, she'd already slept with him. He was the consummate gentleman. He treated Alice like a precious jewel. I didn't blame her.
At the party, I'd given Jake the first blow job of many. I hated doing it. But I'd heard Alice and Rose talking about how happy it made their boyfriends. It made him happy and he didn't yell at me anymore. The schnapps I drank beforehand made it easier to tolerate. He hadn't been very gentle and I was miserable. But as far as I knew this was what girls did. I didn't want to be the single girl in a group of couples.
Edward had been dating Jessica Stanley. She was like plastic; I didn't understand how he could be with her. I always heard her talking the locker room about how huge Edward was in all the right places and how she'd take it anywhere he wanted her to. She was such a slut and Edward deserved better. She'd been seeing Mike Newton on the side. I'd caught them in the girl's locker room after school and she threatened to start a rumor about me if I told anyone.
I kept my mouth shut. I still pined for Edward even though I was with Jake. Alice knew it, but she encouraged my relationship with Jake, because he was so sweet.
"Bella, bonfire Friday night! It's gonna be epic!" Alice shouted at me across the parking lot.
I sighed, another bonfire. I wasn't excited. Bonfires meant schnapps and a blow job in the back of Jake's car. He loved bonfires.
***
It all started out how it normally would. Usually, I would drink schnapps and we'd climb in Jake's car at the end of the night. He'd ask me for sex and I'd refuse. He'd then sigh, whip it out and I would close my eyes, waiting for it to be over.
This time, I said no and he didn't move.
"It's been over a year, Bella. This is bullshit!" He shouted.
"I'm sorry," I said meekly.
"What's wrong? Is it cause I'm not him?!" He shouted again.
Jake's eyes burned into mine. He was so angry. He grabbed my arms roughly and I looked out the window desperately. "Who-who?" I stammered.
"Cullen, you whore. I see how you look at him. Are you saving yourself for him? My understanding is he doesn't like prudes." he spat harshly.
"J-j-jake, no, I love you. Please, you're hurting me. I'm sorry." I cried.
"I'm not waiting anymore. I'll fuck you and then maybe you can get your precious Edward. He'll be more likely to want you if you aren't so fucking cold." Jake was screaming so loud now. I wished there was someone on the beach to hear him.
He grabbed my blouse and tore it open. I knew I should fight, but I froze. I couldn't believe someone who said they loved me could do this. He bit down on my breast hard, grinning with satisfaction at marking me. I closed my eyes and tried not to cry. He yanked my pants off and jammed two fingers into me and I screamed out in pain. I couldn't stop it.
"Don't scream, baby, just loosening you up a bit. Big Jake down there is a lot bigger than this, don't want you to hurt…too much." He sneered.
He threw his hand over my mouth and unbuckled with his other hand. I couldn't lie there any longer. I started screaming as loud as I could. Jake slapped me hard across the face. He raised his hand to do it again when the door flew open. Suddenly Jake was pulled off of me and Alice was by my side.
"Bella, shhh, shh, babe, I'm here. I'm so sorry." Alice held me as I sobbed into her shoulder.
She explained that she had left her purse at the beach and they came back for it. Her and Rose saw Jake's car rocking and had been planning on heckling us. Only, when they'd gotten closer to the car, they heard me screaming out in pain. They'd run straight back to the car where the boys were and told them what was happening.
She said Edward was off like a shot and opened the door like he meant to remove it from its hinges. Rosalie had already called the police. I cringed, because that meant my dad would show up. I knew he wouldn't want to see this for many reasons. One, I had been drinking and two, Jake was his best friends son.
Charlie had a deputy take my statement and one from the witnesses. He could barely look me in the eye. I could see the pain behind his professional exterior. I wondered how badly it hurt him to find out his friends son could be so violent and he didn't know it. I'd spent the better part of the year drinking on the beach with my friends and Charlie didn't know a thing. Now he was responding to a domestic abuse call for his own daughter. We rarely spoke of the incident beyond the need to complete police reports. He arrested Jake himself and hauled him to the Forks jail. An ambulance took me to the doctor to be checked out for injuries. Alice and Edward never left my side.
Jake was charged with attempted rape and assault. I could barely remember the proceedings up to his trial or what happened after. All I knew was Edward always blamed himself. He said he could always see a glint of hostility in Jake's eye. He'd wished he'd said something sooner. The trial ended and Jake was ordered to stay away from me.
For the rest of the school year I stuck close to Alice and Edward. Boys mostly stayed away from me, since I was a "prude" and the girl who cried rape. Alice stayed faithfully by my side. Edward was always gentle and kind to me. I wondered why he took so much guilt on himself about what had happened with Jake.
One night, during a get together at Rose and Jasper's house I finally worked up the courage to ask him.
"Edward, you know…ah…that night with Jake," I started cautiously. His eyes flickered up to mine.
"Yes," he said quietly.
"Why did you come to me so quickly? I mean, it's not like we were anything more than friends. You came over like you were going to kill him. It was so…protective," I mumbled.
"Bella, I would have done the same for Rosalie or Alice. No guy has the right to put his hands on you if you say no. I should have put an end to the relationship right away. He was no good for you." Edward frowned.
"You aren't my protector, Edward. You aren't going to be able to watch over me all the time. Jake wasn't always that bad…" I trailed off.
"No, I can't always watch over you Bella. But I can try. You are too sweet to realize that he was always a bad guy. He treated you like his property," Edward said firmly.
"Ugh, so what, I should have sat there like the third wheel while Ali and Jasper were out? Or Rose and Emmett were around? What about you and Stanley? Maybe if I was less sweet and more like Jessica you would have noticed me." I snapped.
He stared at me with intensity. His green eyes darted between my mouth and my eyes. He growled at me in frustration and stood suddenly. He ran his hands through his wild bronze hair and snapped, "You should never want to be like her. She's nothing compared to you."
He stormed off, leaving me sitting in disbelief. I couldn't understand what had just happened.
***
TWO YEARS LATER – Bella, age 19
"I'll protect you, Bella. I won't break your heart like he did," Edward whispered in my ear.
"I know Edward, I love you. Please, make me feel loved. Make love to me," I whispered back.
And he did. He made me feel everything I'd wanted to hold back for so long. Jake had made my heart fragile, like glass. Edward was making it strong again. We'd been dating the last few months. He treated me like a princess. He was patient and kind. Two things Jake had never been with me.
Our relationship was like perfection. We attended school functions together. Our friends were still in their relationships. We took group vacations together. From that point on we were an inseparable force, Edward and I.
Charlie adored Edward, not only had he protected me from Jake, but he never tried to take advantage of me. He even got Charlie's permission to date me before he even asked me out.
After graduation, we moved in together. We planned our lives together. There wasn't anything that could separate us. We were as one.
Or so I thought.
***
Can we climb this mountain
I don't know
Higher now than ever before
I know we can make it if we take it slow
Let's take it easy
Easy now, watch it go
When You Were Young, The Killers
***
FIVE YEARS LATER – Bella, age 24
"Bella Swan, get your maid-of-honor ass over here now!" Alice shouted.
"I don't know why you provoke her. She is the definition of 'Bridezilla'." Rosalie whispered to me.
Alice stood in her living room with a tape measure in hand. She and Jasper were getting married and she had named me her maid-of-honor. She was designing both her dress and our bridesmaid dresses. I was less than thrilled with the fitted gown she had designed. Not only did it give me the most ridiculous cleavage ever, but it gave me what I could only call ass-cleavage.
"Bells, I promise that I will bring the back up an inch. Mkay?" Alice said to me.
"Fine, but if I show crack, I'll kill you," I grumbled at her.
"Cause crack is WHACK bitches!" Emmett shouted from the game room.
"Emmett Cullen, keep your comments to yourself, or so help me I will make your tux pink," Alice shouted at him.
"No you won't, it would mess up your whole theme thingy. Besides, I'm man enough to rock a pink suit!" he hollered back.
I giggled at the thought of Emmett in a cotton candy colored tux. He'd look like the kid in A Christmas Story in that bunny suit. I guffawed harder when I pictured Emmett in a bunny suit. Alice stabbed me with a pin and I straightened up. "Alice! Ow!"
"Hold still," she ordered.
***
Alice and Jasper's wedding had been amazing, of course, like anything Alice planned would be less than perfect. The reception was now in full swing and we were having a blast. Servers were walking around with trays of champagne. The DJ called the room to attention for a special surprise.
He had Alice sit in a chair in the front of the room and she looked around anxiously.
"What's going on?" She questioned. Her eyes sought me out along the side. I shrugged to indicate to her I had no idea.
The room quieted in anticipation. We heard the door open and Jasper, Edward, Emmett and Carlisle Cullen walked in. Edward held a guitar and began strumming.
"Alice, you are my everything. I love you so much and don't want to live another day without you by my side. I knew when we were teenagers that we were forever. This is for you. It symbolizes eternal love," he said earnestly and handed her a single orange blossom.
Jasper looked directly into Alice's eyes and began singing.
"You're just too good to be true.
Can't take my eyes off you.
You'd be like Heaven to touch.
I wanna hold you so much.
At long last love has arrived
And I thank God I'm alive.
You're just too good to be true.
Can't take my eyes off you."
Alice's eyes welled with tears as Jasper continued. He knelt in front of her and clasped her hands in his. When he hit the chorus all four men began singing.
"I love you, baby,
And if it's quite alright,
I need you, baby,
To warm a lonely night.
I love you, baby.
Trust in me when I say:
Oh, pretty baby,
Don't bring me down, I pray.
Oh, pretty baby, now that I found you, stay
And let me love you, baby.
Let me love you."
I watched from the back of the room. Edward's eyes found me and he sang the chorus to me from across the room. I blushed and smiled at him and he turned his focus back to Alice.
"I knew you'd end up with him, you whore." A voice came from behind me, hot breath blowing on my back.
I whirled around in surprise to find Jacob standing before me in a suit, holding a tray of champagne glasses. He gazed at me lecherously and set the tray down on a table, licking his lips as he appraised my appearance.
"You look good enough to eat, Isabella. I assume you've grown out of your prudish ways. I mean, you let Edward eat you, don't you?" he asked me angrily.
"I-I-I, Jacob, wha-wha-what are you doing here?" I asked him shakily.
"Well, as a registered sex offender, it's hard to find a good job. I'm a waiter here. When I heard Alice Brandon was holding her reception here, I figured you would be here. And I'd finally get what I want from you." He grinned with a malicious glint in his eyes.
The room started to grow fuzzy, my vision began clouding. I leaned against the wall and rubbed my eyes.
"You were so busy with your man there, you didn't even notice you'd taken your champagne glass from me. I slipped something in it to loosen you up a bit. You are still exceptionally self-centered and unobservant, Bella." he sneered at me.
"Jake, please…don't…" I drawled, the drug taking my ability to talk.
"Yes, baby, please beg. It will make it that much better." he chuckled darkly.
I slumped into darkness after that. I had no recollection of the moments that followed. I've been told, for my own good of course, that it was a good thing I was unconscious.
***
Jacob had disappeared after leaving me brutally assaulted in the hotel stairway. Another guest had seen him carry me out of the ballroom and had run directly to Edward. Jake had apparently taken me to a locked stairwell and it took hotel security well over an hour to locate me. When they had finally found me I was still unconscious, badly beaten and bleeding.
The police were unable to locate Jacob. Edward blamed himself yet again and I angrily reminded him that neither of us had noticed Jake was there. His hair had been much shorter and I didn't recognize him in that suit. To be honest, I hadn't really looked any servers in the eye directly. He was right, I was a self-centered whore.
I couldn't believe after all these years Jacob still held such angry passion for me. He'd still wanted what he didn't get when we were teenagers. My comfort zone had been violated. With Jacob still out there, I was terrified to do anything or go anywhere.
Edward was very supportive of me. The townhouse we lived in had new security measures put in, but I still didn't feel safe. I had night terrors and would wake up screaming most nights. Edward's touch no longer comforted me. The touch of any man would send me into hysterics.
He begged me to start seeing a therapist. Dr. Weber was highly recommended for her work with victims of assault. She began breaking through my walls. She'd given me back some of my power. Once a month Edward came with me to my session, our relationship needed work too. He felt guilty for not protecting me. I felt anger at him for thinking I needed constant protection. He was taking my power from me.
After that, things changed. I was distant from Edward. His attempts to get close to me were met by rejection. He spent more time at work and less at home. I'd shut out Alice and Rosalie. I wanted to regain who I was on my own, but in the process, I was isolating myself, to the dismay of Dr. Weber. Eventually Dr. Weber's pleas that I try to let my friends back in began to annoy me. I felt I was making progress on my own. I didn't scream when Edward hugged me, though we still slept in separate rooms.
I thought I was making great progress. I'd even made a new friend, Tanya. She worked from home and was often at the same coffee shop that I enjoyed. We both wrote freelance and used that shop as our office. Our connection was instant.
PRESENT DAY – Bella, age 26
"Bella, I'm moving to Portland. I've gotten a job as an editor." Tanya said nervously as she swirled a stick in her tea.
"Oh, Tanya! That's fantastic. We'll miss you, though." I said.
"I will too, Bells. I mean you and Edward are such great friends. You're lucky to have him." she said quietly.
"I hope you won't get too lonely." I worried. She needed the comfort of friendship to keep her from the dark places. Tanya had been abused by her mother and it had given her lots of physical and emotional scars. We figured it's why we felt so kindred.
"Same to you, Bells. I know you've been seeing Alice and Rose again. Please don't cut them out. You'll need them more than ever." she said quietly.
I cocked an eyebrow at her. Why would I need them more than ever? "What about your mystery man? The elusive boyfriend I haven't met?" Tanya had been seeing a guy for the last six months. I hadn't met him though.
"Uh, he's not really sure yet. I'm giving time for him to figure out what he really wants." She stared into her cup.
I shrugged my shoulders. I was going to miss Tanya so much. She really understood my emotions in a way Rose or Alice never could. Edward seemed to get along with her so well, it made it even better. My life began feeling so secure and my power was back. I knew I would be ready to move back into Edward's room.
I only hoped he'd be ready to take me. I'd come out of my stupor and realized what a great thing I had. I'd spent two years pushing him away from me, only he'd never left. He promised to never break my glass heart. I didn't even think about the fact that I could be breaking his.
I spent the next week helping Tanya pack and move. I told Edward I would drive with her to Portland and get her settled. He only nodded and went into his room. When I got back, I was going to ask him if we could try to be whole again. I only hoped he'd say yes.
***
I lay in Tanya's guest room taking a break from sorting things. I glanced to my left and saw a box labeled photo albums. Slicing the tape open, I pulled out the book on top and flipped through the pages, smiling. Pictures of a tiny Tanya and her family filled the album. Tanya and her sisters looked so happy; I assumed this was before her mom became a raging alcoholic.
I grabbed the next one. There were pictures of her and me in the Space Needle having drinks and laughing. I smiled at the memories and felt my eyes well with tears. I was really going to miss her.
A small album was in the bottom of the box. I pulled it out and flipped to the first page. It was a picture of her and Edward I had never seen before. I didn't understand what I was seeing. I flipped to the next page. There was a strip of three pictures, like the kind you'd get from a photo booth. They were smiling, heads close together in the first two. In the third one they were gazing into each other's eyes, a look of pure love.
A strange cry came from my throat as I turned the page. Another strip was in place, in all three of these shots they were kissing. My stomach churned. I heard Tanya call me from the kitchen.
"Bella is there a box of…" She stopped mid-sentence when she saw what I was holding.
I looked at her, knowing the pain on my face must be evident. "Bella, I-I-I…" she stammered.
I got up from my position on the floor and dropped the album into the box. I looked her in eyes. "I guess you won't be lonely, huh?" I asked coldly.
She didn't say anything to me; she just looked at the album. I grabbed my things off the bed in her spare room and brushed past her. I walked outside and called a cab. Originally Tanya was going to give me a ride back to Seattle, so I had no car with me. The cab took me to the nearest car rental place and I started the drive back to Seattle that evening.
My phone rang several times as I drove. I had missed calls from Edward and Tanya. I'm sure there were messages declaring how sorry they were and how it just happened. I didn't give a fuck how it happened. I only knew when I got back to Seattle, I'd be alone.
***
In the week I had been gone, Edward had packed up his belongings. He'd left the note on the table beside the door; he knew I always threw my keys there, so I wouldn't miss it. My cat ran around my ankles to greet me. She purred and mewed, calling my attention. I bent to pet her as I read the note.
"Fucking coward!" I screamed. The cat scurried under the couch.
I threw the glass key bowl on to floor. It shattered into a million little pieces, like my heart.
And sometimes you close your eyes
and see the place where you used to live
When you were young
They say the devil's water, it ain't so sweet
You don't have to drink right now
But you can dip your feet
Every once in a little while
You sit there in your heartache
Waiting on some beautiful boy to
To save you from your old ways
You play forgiveness
Watch it now here he comes