Disclaimer: I don't own South of Nowhere hell I don't even know if I own my feelings.
Author's Note: This is a one shot about my experience with a girl. I am the narrator. A lot of people I have noticed have been using the South of Nowhere characters to express their feelings about another girl so I thought I'd give it a try. It's a one shot and I don't care really if you don't like it because it really is for me. Maybe it will help me.
The dreams…It's the dreams that scare me the most. In these dreams she is hurting. Hurting herself because I had to drag her into my fucked up feelings and emotions. To tangle her in this…this mass of feelings that I have kept locked up for so long. I broke her heart and it feels terrible to know that I brought so much pain to one human being. Maybe this is why I have these dreams…maybe this is God's way of getting back at me for hurting her. I didn't want it to be like this…
Getting drunk was not a part of the plan. The plan was simple come home, finish your work, and go to sleep…finish this painful day. Yet here I was drunk dialing the one feeling that I was most afraid of. I left a message in my almost unconscious state. It stated that I had fallen for her but…I didn't really know if that was true…I just had to get it out see if it felt right. I received a message from her a little while later saying that she could not return those feelings to me. I can't say I was heart-broken because truthfully I didn't know what the hell was going on in that heart of mine. Truthfully I was glad she had said no it would have meant the end of all the mixed feelings because even if they were true she wouldn't return them.
Things didn't blow over as I would have hoped because soon I received another message from her telling me that she had lied. That she did have feelings for me but I didn't want to get mixed up with her…This is where I came to hate myself…because what I did next was so heartless so wrong that it makes me sick to think of it…I toyed with her feelings. I teased her I dragged her around making her believe that I loved her. I would pull her close and then push her away unaware of my own feelings. I had no idea whether what I was feeling was real or if I just wanted an adventure…a challenge.
Things cleared for me soon enough though. My clouded heart that was cluttered with emotions and mixed feelings was wiped clean and for the first time I could see clearly. Three simple words freed me of all of my mixed emotions and fucked up feelings. I love you uttered by a person I truly cared about made everything right. However, it would mean hurting someone that I had grown to trust. He told me he loved me and all of my feelings for the petite brunette vanished replaced with one shining light. I told her simply that I couldn't do this with her that I…didn't have feelings for her. Which was the truth but it still hurt telling her knowing that I had strung her along. I ended the mixed emotions and pushed her away for the final time.
I miss her friendship but I don't want to give her false hope. Trick her into believing that I do in fact have feelings that aren't there so I backed out. I lied to my friends about her… and wasn't it for the best…? I mean I don't have feelings for her and before when I believed I did it was to much… The dreams however won't go away…I know that I broke her heart…and it hurts me to see her in my dreams hurting…I just wish…I wish I had never opened my feelings…I wish that I had never dragged her into my clouded heart…
If you couldn't tell I was Spencer and the other girl was Ashley…this was for my own benefit you don't have to review I just thought maybe that this would help…me