It's hard letting go

I'm finally at peace, but it feels so wrong

I can't even remember what my life use to be like. Before the nightmares. Sometimes, when I go out and see all the people happy and smiling, I figure that's what it's like... What I use to be like. So that is what I pretend to be, happy.

The mask I wear is simply an illusion. I act like those people, look happy like those people just so no one worries about me. It's kind of pathetic I know.

Slow I'm getting up

My hands and feet are weaker than before

War changes you. Killing people changes you. I can be a witness to that. I see everyone I've ever killed every single day. They haunt me like a shadow.

I've become paranoid. I see them in my nightmares. I see them in every face I come across. People worship me as a hero, but I'm no hero. I'm a monster. I shouldn't be congratulated for the things I've done.

Like shadows I'm followed. But then again I guess it's true what they say...Nightmares do follow you like a shadow, forever.

And you are folded on the bed

Where I rest my head

Sometimes I wonder if I should be dead. Guilt is a hard thing to live with. Not only do I see the faces of people I've killed, I also see the faces of people I couldn't save.

How do you apologize to a family who has taken you in, given you a real home, treated you like one of their own? They say they don't blame me, but I see it in their eyes. They can hardly stand to look at me. I think if they weren't so full of pity, they'd hate me for killing two of their sons. Charlie is gone. Ron... is gone.

There is nothing I can see

Darkness becomes me

Hermione said she doesn't blame me either. Her and Ron were to be married. Who was I to take that away. I should've convinced him to not follow me.

There's a bittersweet thought if I ever had one, marriage. Maybe if things had turned out different, maybe in a different time I could've afforded that luxury. She said she still wants me, wants to help me, wants to be there with me every step of the way. But I couldn't let it happen. I'd just drag her down. She deserves a lot better than me.

She is very stubborn, and I don't think she'll ever give up on me. Is that a good thing?

But I'm already there

I'm already there

Wherever there is you

I will be there too

My sleep is hardly ever peaceful. Can you die from lack of sleep? I think the worst part of nightmares is not emerging from the dark and remembering the haunted places you go to, but that you have to do it alone.

I hate being alone, ironic since I am alone now and will be forever, or at least it seems that way.

There's nothing that I'd take back

But it's hard to say there's nothing I regret

People always said I have a "saving people thing." I guess they were right. Even now as I try to comfort everyone else but myself, I'm aching.

"I am both numb and oversensitive, overwhelmed by the need, the raw and desperate need of the people I am listening to and trying to help. I'm overdosing on the trauma of others, while still barely healing from my own.

I cry for hours at home and have fitful nights of little sleep. My nightmares resurface as my own pain is repeated to me, magnified a thousand times. It feels insurmountable. How can you save everyone? How can you rescue them? How do you get over your pain? How do you ever feel normal?"

Cause when I sing, you shout

I breathe out loud

I just go through the days, monotonous as they are painful. I just hope that maybe one day, I'll wake up to a good dream. I'm just tired of waking up everyday telling myself that this day will be better. It will never get better.

I'll always be haunted by the things that i've done and seen. I need an anchor. That's all I need to get me by. That light in a dark place to pull me back from myself when I've had enough. Something to make it all bearable.

You bleed, we crawl like animals

But when it's over, I'm still awake

She's been there all along of course, patient as ever. I don't deserve it but she is there for me. Maybe things do get better after all. Am I just masochistic and want to feel the hurt as a reminder? That might be true. I feel like I deserve this. The guilt will always be there.

But no, her face lights up my impossibly dark world and gives me hope, hope that maybe one day I can put the guilt and pain behind me... forever.

A thousand silhouettes dancing on my chest

No matter where I sleep, you are haunting me

I will always see the faces but maybe the guilt will slowly fade. One can only hope.

I hear the snap of a twig but don't turn around. I know who it is.

"Did you have another nightmare?" she asked as she came up behind me and wrapped her arms around me.

"Yeah," I replied quietly.

"Well let's go back inside, it's kind of chilly and I don't want you getting sick," she said

She turned me around and kissed me gently before putting her forhead to mine, "It'll be okay Harry."

"I know," I said.

And I smiled. A real smile. There was always something in the way she said it that made me believe it was true.

Cause I'm already there

I'm already there

Wherever there is you

I will be there too

And we made our way slowly back to the house side by side, me, and the girl who was able to take the darkness out of my heart.

The song is Silhouettes by OF Monsters and Men. J.K. Rowling owns the characters. I just own the story =)