Give My Regards to the Dreams of Mice and Men
Case File 44V-AA98: suicide note written by suspect Ronald M. Sandoval
Dated 9/9/14
"To whom it may concern:
Provided anyone who actually cares why I did it, I pity you. For you who question why I did it are still in denial about the truth. You still believe you have control, and you still feel sympathy for these false gods. Just because their make is not flesh and blood, you assume that entitles them to the status of a deity. Well, I have worked with them, and I assure you they are not gods. They are the farthest thing from gods. They are just children with a really big gun. They are simply spineless mice with big teeth and claws. They have no heart and they have no soul. I know because they cannot function with those who do. For that reason, they will steal away the souls of others. They have since they first arrived. Perhaps it is fate that their true masters hide in masks because they have been hiding in masks for thousands of years. My mission was and always had been to prove what I have seen by working closest with them: I needed to prove to you that they were mortal, that they were no different from you or me. You carry this illusion that they cannot die and that they feel no pain. I will prove to you once and for all that this is just one of the dirty lies they have inflicted upon you people. Immortality, omniscience, domination, mere control—these are all nothing but petty dreams. I once dreamt of these things. I don't know anyone who hasn't at least once. I never imagined that it would come to this, but these masters—nay, these monsters—have driven me to desperate measures. An awakening is coming, people. The only question left for you is 'How will you react to it?' Will you feel anger, sadness, disillusion, fear, or just plain simple relief? I had my awakening long ago, and these soulless creatures plunged me back into a nightmare of malicious routine and utter slavery. Yet they are slaves to a higher power, and I will now free myself from this slavery embodying this higher power. I will show them why their first lexicon is not to tempt fate. I will no longer run from my destiny. So give my regards to the dreams of mice and men. I pray that this helps you realize that's all our ambitions ever are: dreams."
1 – "Provided anyone who actually cares why I did it, I pity you."
I guess I always knew it was coming, but I never guessed it would happen so soon. This is the day I always dreaded: the day I would truly become an orphan. I guess I should be happy. At least, Renee thinks I should be happy. After all, he represents everything wrong that the Taelons have done. He has acted as both the victim and the aggressor. I guess the trouble I'm having is deciding which one I should care for. Should I call him the victim or the aggressor? If I call him the victim, I find myself pitying him. After all, as a victim, this is a man who has lost everything. He lost his wife, his past, his dreams of a better future, and his chance at a fresh start with my mother. I am not blind. I know he loved her. It was the closest he could ever get to love.
Then, there's the aggressor. If I think of him as the aggressor, I find myself hating him. After all he has destroyed everything and everyone he ever loved. He has hurt everyone that ever tried to get close to him. He has no feeling and he has no pity. He is a cold-blooded murderer. What's worse is he actually thought what he was doing was right for a time, and then when he realized it was wrong, he stayed just for the thrill of the hunt. I imagine this is what every family member who has a son, cousin, father, daughter, mother, brother or sister in prison feels. A part of them hates their kin, but another part of them loves and pities the poor bastard. I wonder what he would have done if he had ever learned that it was me who gave him back his life when his blood disorder nearly took it all away. I wonder what he would have done if he had learned I was his son.
"Major Kincaid has agreed to say a few words for the departed."
I still can't believe he's lying dead right behind me. There are only fifteen people here right now. Most of them are distant relatives who have never even seen America. I envy them. They still don't know what a monster their kin is. Renee's here with me. I know she only came for me. She hated him just as much as the rest of them. I can see her sitting in the last row in a black dress with a veil over her face. She doesn't want anyone to know it's her. I wish Da'an could have come too. She worked about as close with Sandoval as I did, if not closer. But I like to imagine that she is here somewhere in some form.
"Major?"
"Yeah, I'm sorry."
I don't have the courage to check and see if Deedee's here. She's not next to me if she is. It's just me and the priest sitting two feet in front of the coffin, which by the way only has seven white roses on it. It's a Taelon coffin, which is a fancy way of saying it's a blue bio-slurry body bag. They didn't even let the coroner dress him in his best clothes. As I speak, all I can see is Renee. She's the only source of light in this dark and dismal wake.
"I'm the only one closest to Ronald who worked up the courage to give him a eulogy, and I won't let you down. At least, I'll try not to. I know that none of you were able to say any words other than that you were a friend or family member because you were not as close to him as I was. I have his suicide note here. I thought I'd read it to you. I think it is one of the best indications of how Ronald used to think, and of how he thought just before he died. I'm not going to restrain you from crying. In fact, I encourage you to. It is the highest praise he will ever receive. I suppose that's why I decided to do this. I don't know if he deserves honor of any kind, but I do believe that in any funeral a man deserves some kind of praise. Crying is the best way to praise him. It signifies that you are actually taking the time to give him a piece of yourself."
I can see Renee hanging her head low. Is she crying or is she just trying to hide from someone looking at her?
"Ronald was a man of many faces. On one face was a sensitive, kind and gentle man. I hope that is the man you remember. I hope that is the man his wife remembers. I regret that I never saw that face, but I know several who did. I honor them. On another face was an intelligent, headstrong, hard-working and determined man. I don't think I need to tell any of you just how hard Ronald worked to get where he was. His work ethic is what I liked about him the most. When he set his mind to achieve something he always succeeded, and he did not stop until he did. I think that's why Zo'or and Da'an appreciated him so much. That's why I appreciated him so much. His work ethic is what influenced me to work hard. It still does. It's almost like it's a part of me now. The last face I know of is a darker face. Everyone has a dark side. Anyone who says otherwise is either lying or in denial. It's tragic that he submitted to his darker side in the last moments of his life. He had so much potential. This darker side struck fear, envy, and anger in the hearts of many. It won him many enemies and many more antagonists. It also lost him many of his loved ones and many friends—friends such as myself, Da'an, Agent Beckett, Captain Marquette, Commander Boone, and several others who worked closely with him on the Mothership. I will not forget the family who appreciated him as well—Deedee, his mother, his father, and all you who were good enough to come. I think that Ronald felt trapped in his last moments. He felt that his work was compromising his friends, his family, his principles, and his personality. He felt like he was giving away a piece of his soul everyday. This tragic and seemingly senseless act was, in his mind, his last effort to save what was left of his soul. For that, he should be mourned. A wise woman told me that in cases like this it is the motive that should be appreciated and not the result. That is why I have chosen to read this note to you; so that all of you can appreciate and mourn his motive and not the result."
My hands are shaking right now. I'm trying to hold back tears even though I just encouraged their shedding. I guess the part of me that hates him does not want to mourn him. I am not the only one though. As I read the suicide note aloud, I can see that Renee and the other mourners are dealing with the same problem…even though I still think Renee's crying more for me than she is for him.
Ku'ni had been summoned by Zo'or. His new protector Blanca Santiago was with him. Over the past few months, he saw Zo'or growing more and more paranoid and reserved. As the days passed, he withdrew himself from the Synod, and his behavior in the Commonality signified a twinge of fear. It was clear to Ku'ni and the rest of the Taelons who had and always did support the priests that Zo'or was losing in his battle, and he was not taking it well. Then why had he been summoned? Ever since Reyes' death, Ku'ni had become the priests' closest Synod associate. He reported their entire goings on to them in exchange for maintaining his benevolent reputation with South America in the midst of all this slander. It was partly Ku'ni's fault that Zo'or was losing. Little by little, he had assisted with the cleansing. As more Taelons were cleansed, Zo'or's list of allies wore thin. But Ku'ni was not completely at fault. The constant mudslinging all over the news kept Zo'or preoccupied with trying to re-establish his good name with the people of Earth. This in of itself had kept Zo'or too busy to do anything about the priests. It was an unfair advantage, but Ku'ni saw it as a fine punishment to he who stood against the might of the Commonality and its controllers.
Blanca was well aware of the infighting within the Synod, more so than most of the protectors. She was afraid to leave Ku'ni alone with Zo'or, so Ku'ni knew he had no other option but to let her stand in the doorway as he spoke with Zo'or. She even had a problem with this, but she reluctantly followed his order.
Ku'ni entered the bridge to see a solemn Zo'or staring out the window, gazing down on that little blue planet that was giving him so much trouble. At least he thought that was what Zo'or was staring at. He had never seen Zo'or do this. He wondered if the leader's parent had passed on that trait to him. From this, his thoughts turned to Da'an. He wondered what Da'an would have done in a situation like this. Would he have rushed to side with the priests, or would he have remained by his child's side to the end? The rumor mills circulated, Ku'ni knew. Some said Da'an was alive. Some said he was dead. The wildest emerged in his own region, South America. The people said he had returned from the grave as some kind of spirit. It varied between just a spirit and a guardian angel. If you prayed to him, he would protect you from the evils of this world. He could even heal your illnesses. People in the United States claimed to have seen him walking around disguised as a female. Ku'ni laughed at the idea. Ku'ni let them all dream, however. He knew the truth. Da'an was alive somewhere on Earth. Every Taelon knew it, and if they did not know it they were quite certain. It was humanity that was unaware.
His thoughts passed as Zo'or turned to face him. The poor bastard. He had been without rest for months now. The Commonality's will was wasting his mind away.
"Why have I been summoned, Zo'or?" Ku'ni asked outright.
"How long have you been a part of this Synod, Ku'ni?" Zo'or asked.
"Not long," Ku'ni replied. "Ever since Ram died."
"And do you know why Ram was killed?" Zo'or asked subtly.
"The same reason you killed your own parent," Ku'ni played along.
"Indeed," Zo'or said woodenly. "My own parent."
Ku'ni smirked as Zo'or approached him. Long ago, those narrow blue eyes would have intimidated Ku'ni. But now, they signaled nothing to Ku'ni but plain fear. Zo'or's power was dwindling. It would not be long before he cracked. Ku'ni just prayed he would live to see it.
"I know of your dealings with the priests," Zo'or said. "You spread their propaganda to the other Taelons creating divisiveness in the Commonality."
"The only one dividing the Commonality is you, dear leader," Ku'ni said with a wry smile.
"I am not so daring as to stand against the priests," Zo'or lied.
"I'm sure," Ku'ni replied skeptically.
"Then, you should know that I am not here to have you taken to the next plane of existence," Zo'or said. "I am not as cruel as the headlines declare. I consider myself the equivalent of a businessman."
"The 'equivalent', Zo'or?"
"Indeed. When my resources are used up, I deal for more. My concern is all of the bad press upon our unfortunate Synod. I know the priests are behind it. Tell me the plans of the priests and I will make it worth your while."
"You have nothing I want."
"Oh no? Think about it, Ku'ni. The priests care not for you anymore than they did for your doomed protector Reyes. Unlike them, I will not betray you once your usefulness has ended. Where do you think you stand as the advisor to the priests? What will they do with you when they have completed their agenda? Will you become a leader, or will you remain a servant? I can make you a leader, Ku'ni. I can free you from the bonds of that mind prison the priests have created for you."
"What prison?"
"Oh, yes, I forgot. They have blinded you so much that you cannot even see the prison bars."
"Well, that sounds all well and good, Zo'or, but my loyalty is and always will be towards the priests."
"And what of your loyalties toward the Synod?"
"A synod loyal to the priests is the only kind of synod there should be."
"I will not tolerate the outspokenness within the Synod members anymore. I did not tolerate Da'an's, and I certainly will not tolerate yours, Ku'ni. I can have you removed from your duties quicker than lightning. I can tarnish your reputation until you are lower than dirt to the people. I can change you from a beloved liaison to a treacherous resistance sympathizer all in one night, Ku'ni. And when your trial for treachery comes, do you honestly believe that the priests will stand in front of the scaffold to protect you? I very much doubt it, Ku'ni."
"Your threats mean nothing, Zo'or. You talk big, but you lack the resources and the willpower of the Commonality to stop me. My mission is for far more than my reputation, Zo'or. It is for rejoining my fellows in the Commonality in the next plane of existence. I would rather die a thousand deaths at your hand than blaspheme against the Commonality. I will leave this plane pure. How will you leave, Zo'or?"
"I pity your ignorance, Ku'ni," Zo'or said. "Get out of my sight!"
"Gladly," Ku'ni replied.
As Ku'ni marched toward Blanca, he failed to notice Zo'or's smile and his haughty walk out the other doorway to his own protector.
"Were you able to place the device?" Zo'or asked him.
"Yes, sir," Sandoval replied hiding the small gun he had used to launch a recording device onto Ku'ni's suit. "With him standing there like a pole, it was almost too easy."
"Excellent," Zo'or said. "Notify T'than and Agent Malley immediately. I want recording to begin right away."
Sandoval nodded and walked towards the portal to speak with T'than and Malley.
"It is time I started my own cleansing."
Malley walked into work particularly fatigued that day. He had just braved the pouring rain outside and the traffic in the parking garage. The problem was the garage was still some distance from the embassy, and his umbrella had done little to shield him from the calamity going on outside. Considering all things, the last thing he wanted was to see Agent Sandoval waiting for him in T'than's office.
"Dear God. Security actually let you in here?" Malley asked.
"I am security, Malley," Sandoval replied coldly.
"It's an expression."
"For that matter, I'm surprised they let you in here dressed like that."
"Uh, have you been outside lately? It's the second coming of the Deluge out there," Malley shot back.
"Considering all the technology we have available, I'm sure God has innovated a more practical method of our destruction," Sandoval retorted. "Besides, last time I checked, we have underground tunnels for just such an occasion. The washroom's down the hall."
"You're a dick, you know that?" Malley said in frustration.
As Malley stormed towards the washroom to do what little he could to dry his suit, he ran into Liam.
"What happened to you? Is it raining outside?" Liam asked him.
"Nope. I just thought it was a good day to walk through the carwash on Sixth," Malley said sarcastically.
"Well, excuse me for showing concern," Liam said.
"Well, in appreciation, I should warn you that Sandoval's here," Malley said. "I'm going to achieve the impossible: cleaning up a dry clean only suit with water."
"Have fun, and thanks for the heads up," Liam said.
Liam very cautiously walked into T'than's office. Sandoval was there pacing slowly from the chair to the window.
"Where's T'than?" Liam asked.
"Running an errand," Sandoval said. "He'll be back in a few minutes. I need all of you here today."
"What's going on?"
"You've found something?" T'than asked Sandoval before he could answer Liam.
"I have," Sandoval said handing T'than his global.
"Where were you?" Liam asked T'than.
"Have I ever inquired about your convenient little escapades, Major?" T'than asked back.
Liam fell silent as Malley came rushing behind T'than.
"I thought you were going to dry your suit," Liam said.
"I was, but then my good friend, T'than here, literally dragged me out of the washroom crying emergency," Malley said.
"A little focus, gentlemen," T'than said. He waved on a datastream.
Sandoval uploaded the deciphering program for the tracking device he had placed on Ku'ni.
"Will this get us visual input too?" Malley asked Sandoval.
"No, but we should get a pretty good audio feed," Sandoval replied.
"This is like the sequel to a movie I missed. What's going on here?" Liam demanded. "What am I supposed to be seeing?"
"Yes, if the major spent more time actually doing his job, he'd be more than aware of the current situation between Zo'or and the priests," T'than said snobbishly.
"In Major Kincaid's defense, sir, I think he does an excellent job," Malley defended.
"As you probably are already aware, there are dissenters in the midst of the Synod," Sandoval explained, "Synod members who have abandoned their loyalty to Zo'or for the priests."
"I thought the priests were the ultimate authority," Liam said. "What's so bad about this?"
"If there are members of the Synod siding with the priests," T'than explained, "then the cleansing has finally upgraded towards the diplomats. They could stage a coup to remove Zo'or from power."
"Well, the UN's looking to do that themselves," Liam said.
"With the priests' support," Malley added. "Looks like we're playing a game of taking sides."
"We need to know who our enemies are," Sandoval explained. "We need, now more than ever, to determine the priests' strategy and intercept their plans. Placing a tracking device on Ku'ni is a good start. He is openly opposed to Zo'or's leadership, and he will help draw out more traitors."
"You're basically saying that you're planning to do the same thing to Ku'ni and other traitors that you did to Da'an," Liam said grimly.
"I did nothing to Da'an," Sandoval said.
Liam rolled his eyes. "Then, how do you explain the rumors—"
"We'll have none of this chasing shadows today, men," T'than interrupted. "I have been listening to this debate for months now, and I am sick of it. Regardless of whether or not he is alive, we can obviously agree that Da'an is obsolete now. Even if he is alive, he's never coming back."
"We've got something," Sandoval said.
The audio feed picked up a conversation between the priests and Ku'ni.
"He's got some audacity, I'll tell you that," Sandoval commented. "Going straight to the priests right after an argument with Zo'or."
"I believe the moment of opportunity has finally come, your grace," Ku'ni's voice said humbly. "We must remove Zo'or from power while we have the advantage."
"You think too much in the present, Ku'ni," a distorted voice said. "Any action that we take will refute the message of benevolence we have struggled to restore. If anyone is going to remove Zo'or, it will be the United Nations."
"The United Nations moves too slowly. I have spoken with the UN companion—"
"So Li'or's in on it too," Malley said.
"He says there is too much debate going on within the UN. Many of the members are apt to bring him to trial, but there are a strong few who fear a scheme brewing amongst the priests."
"In that, they are correct in both regards," the distorted voice commented. "How interesting the way that works. Then, we must wait. Without unanimous support, we will be unable to act anyway."
"With all due respect, you have near full support."
"But you lack something more, something that will coax full support and action from the UN?"
"I see. Well, what can we do to obtain this something?"
"That is not a problem."
"I do not understand."
"You should have more faith in your masters. After all, there is always a place for you within the Commonality, loyal Ku'ni. As I said before it is not a problem. We have—"
"Enough of this! Turn it off," T'than told Sandoval in frustration. "This is nothing we do not know already."
"Well, what now?" Malley asked.
"There is nothing to do but wait."
Sandoval nodded and left.
"Did he look different to you?" T'than asked Malley.
"Yes sir," Malley replied. "He looked proud, prouder than usual. Maybe he's secretly basking in this whole idea of Zo'or's numbered days as the leader as much as everyone else is."
"Troubling," T'than said. "The entire Mothership is ridden with betrayal and paranoia."
"For good reason too," Liam said to himself.
"Do you not have a schedule to prepare, Major?" T'than asked Liam harshly.
"Yes, sir," Liam said, rolling his eyes the moment he turned his back to leave the room.
T'than got closer to Malley. "Zo'or and Sandoval are up to something. Call the others. We must warn them to keep their eyes open."
"As you wish."
It was Labor Day…not that Malley and Liam got the day off. Liam thought it was wrong that Renee could take Labor Day off and not him. What was wrong with this picture? But on the plus side, she was still working with the ANA so it wasn't really a holiday for her either. Malley and Liam decided to use the little free time they had at a small burger place.
"So any word on what's happening between Zo'or and the Synod?" Liam asked Malley while waiting for their food.
"Why do you always ask me that?" Malley asked back. ""What do I look like, the National Enquirer? Hell no, I don't have any word on what's happening between Zo'or and the Synod. You know I don't like talking about work away from work."
"You know, this is why you'll never get married," Liam said. "You don't like communication."
"This coming from a man attracted to the CEO of Doors International," Malley said. "I don't know when you're gonna get that she's too big for you. It's never gonna happen."
"Hey, at least I've got the cute factor going on. What do you have other than a bad attitude and diabetes?"
"Ah, Liam, Liam, poor Liam," Malley sighed with pity. "Big dreams. I savor the day that you are knocked off your high horse."
"Why does everyone think I'm arrogant?" Liam asked. "I'm not that bad of a person."
"No, you just have an unusually big mouth," Malley said. "That's why you'll never have a wife. You meet some great girl, and it's all well and good until that mouth of yours opens. X beautiful woman gets offended, and you never see her again. On the other hand, how can that happen when you don't even date? You're too busy leering at Ms. Palmer to find a nice young girl within your league."
"Who are you? Dr. Phil?" Liam asked. "I'm sorry, but Renee's my choice. I can't see myself with anyone else."
"Too bad she can," Malley said. "I've read that interview in Fortune. Rumor is that she's courting Joshua Doors."
"I can dream, can't I?"
"You passed that zone long ago, buddy. You're just setting yourself up for failure. I wish you'd just get it over with so that you can move on."
"You are uptight today," Liam noted. "Wanna talk about it?"
"We did enough of that on the way here," Malley said, taking a moment to stop when the waiter came with their drinks. There was a brief moment of silence as they waited for the drinks to come in, but the ruckus continued as soon as the waiter returned with two mugs of beer.
"Hey, to the emotional despair of the companion protector," Malley said lifting his beer.
"And how," Liam agreed, lifting his beer and clicking it with Malley's.
That was when Liam's global rang. "Aw crap. These damn things always go off at the worst possible time."
"Mine's beeping too," Malley said pulling his out of his pocket.
When Street's face appeared, Liam tried to cover it from Malley's sight. Not that he needed to.
"What's going on?"
"Liam, Da'an is freaking us out," Street said urgently. "She-She did something to Ta'lay. They had to take Ta'lay to the infirmary, and instead of reacting to it, Da'an's just staring off into space as if nothing happened. You've got to get over here. This is weird!"
"Hey, calm down," Liam whispered. "Is he all right?"
"I don't know!" Street cried, "and thanks to Da'an, he's not a 'he' anymore. He's a 'she!'"
"What? How is that possible?"
"What did I just tell you! We're trying to get it out of Da'an, but she's just staring off into space. And then, when she's not doing that, she's mumbling to herself."
"What is she mumbling?"
"That something terrible's going to happen, that there's a traitor in our midst, among the other five billion random things coming out of her mouth," Street said frantically. "Curzon's about to take her to the infirmary and examine her. Liam…just get over here!"
Liam nodded and closed the global.
"Hey, buddy," Malley said. "You all right? Sounds like you heard something serious."
"I did. It's…It's my mother," Liam said. "She's sick. I've got to see her."
"Your mother?" Malley asked. "I didn't know you had a mother."
"Not my real mother…my-my foster mother," Liam said uneasily. "Look, I've gotta go. Can you…?"
"I'll take care of it. Just go. Go be with your mother," Malley said.
"Is that him just leaving?" the voice in Malley's global asked.
"Yes, sir," Malley said. "He said his mother's sick."
"I'm sure," the voice said sarcastically.
"You really think he's resistance?" Malley asked.
"Think? I have never been so certain of it in my life, and he has Da'an with him. Use your special friendship with the major to get to her. When you are close enough, bring her to me."
"Um…yes sir."