(Disclaimer, Grand Theft Auto and its places and characters are all
property of Rockstar, and are used for fun not profit, without permission)
Note: This spoof article contains SPOILERS for the game Grand Theft Auto: Vice City. Please R and R, and who knows – I may write more!
+++ From: The Vice City Enquirer 28/02/04
TOMMY VERCETTI: MY TRUE STORY By Mandy Chavez
Ask anyone in America and they'll tell you who Tommy Vercetti is. He is the self styled man of the people who turned Vice City into one of the biggest holiday resorts in the world. Arriving for the first time in 1986, an ex-con from Liberty City, Vercetti was mugged as soon as he arrived here, and was left with only the money in his pocket. In the year that followed, Vercetti rose to prominence, taking over the criminal operation of Ricardo Diaz and turning it into the backbone of the Vice City economy. He also took over such Vice City landmarks as the Pole Position Club and the Malibu club, not to mention Kaufman Cabs and the print works. Since that year, Vercetti Industries has expanded. His porn studio is believed to be the most successful of all time, plus his print works took over the production of every major publication to come out of Vice City, including this one. After his marriage to Mercedes Cortez in 1990, Vercetti became something of a recluse, choosing to let his lawyer Ken Rosenberg handle his official statements, while Avery Carrington handles his business deals. Which made it more suprising when I was summoned to Vercetti's home on Starfish Island after recent revelations by a former friend.
Q Your former friend has made numerous allegations about you. Would you mind if we discussed them?
Vercetti (V): Not at all. I've worked for twenty long years to clean up my rep, and I'm not about to let some hanger on drag me back down to his level.
Q: Well, lets begin. In his book "My part in the rise of a Hood". Paul Fowler, AKA Kent Paul claims that you came to Vice City in order to distribute cocaine and that cocaine was promptly stolen from you.
V: That's absolutely not true. I went to Sonny Forelli, and as a personal favour I asked him if he could set me up with a legit business in Vice City. The only thing that was stolen from me was a loan that Sonny gave me. Maybe I shouldn't have taken cash, but hey it was a different time
Q: Well, after this incident, Paul claims that he, among others, set you up doing hired muscle work. Threatening people and property and so on.
V: Again untrue. Yes, Kent, Ken and Avery did set me up with work, but it was legal security work.
Q: After this, he alleges that you killed Ricardo Diaz and took over his organisation.
V: As a personal favour, I took over Ricardo Diaz courier service while he attended business overseas. I didn't realise he was making money shifting cocaine. When he didn't return, I decided to expand into other legitimate areas.
Q: Indeed, Kent Paul alleges that you resorted to theft, murder, terrorism and mass slaughter in order to make your businesses thrive. Surely you can't deny that Mr Vercetti?
V: Absolutely I do.
Q: On what grounds? You cannot deny that an unusual amount of crimes were committed in Vice City, and your businesses profited from these crimes.
V: I did find this worrying at the time. It turns out, my partner, Lance Vance was engaging in illegal operations behind my back on behalf of Sonny who was planning to use my legit businesses as a front for his criminal acts. Hey, I'm done with crime, but when Tommy Vercetti is threatened, I use my right as an American to defend myself. So, yeah, I killed Sonny and Lance, and I was sorry I had to do it. But I did it for Vice City, and the police agreed.
Q: Paul also claims that you got Congressman (now President) Alex Shrub to do a U-Turn on his anti pornography stance after you photographed him and one of your starlets in a sexual situation.
V: That claim made my blood boil. Alex Shrub has done more for this city and this country than anyone in 50 years, and rest assured he can count on the votes of me and my employees in the upcoming election.
Q: But why the dramatic U-Turn?
V: I visited Alex, with Candy Suxx in order to show him that as well as being stunningly beautiful, she was also intelligent and understood enterprise. He agreed, and saw that Pornography was just another form of American Enterprise and he threw his support behind us. And may I say, Candy makes an excellent First Lady, just what he needed after that divorce.
Q: You claim to me an advocate of American Enterprise, yet according to Paul, you engaged in terrorist action on American soil.
V: Ah, you're talking about my buddy Colonel Cortez. Hey, he's not anti American, he's anti French, okay? It was the French spies that attacked me when I was merely picking up a package for him.
Q: But he was implicated in the theft of a tank, and so were you!
V: Yet here we are toots, having this pleasant conversation, and there are no prison bars between us. The bottom line is that Cortez is a good leader and uses America as a great model for his little country. Personally he's a smart man, and a great father in law.
Q: Kent Paul, and a great deal of others for that matter, claim that you stripped Vice City of its morals. You own a strip club and a night club and Paul himself implicated you
V: Hey, Kent should go look in the mirror some time. The limey mook was hanging out in the Malibu club snorting coke and looking at girl's assets long before I took over. As for the porn studio and strip club, yes they're adult business, but I bought them, I didn't start them. In fact, I made Vice City a decent place to live. The deal with the Cubans and Haitians was smoothed over eventually, because of the business my cab company bought in. Cherry Poppers Ice Cream, despite what Kent says, is good old all American Ice Cream, and if any of my drivers are selling more questionable substances, then they're on their own. Oh, and don't think I didn't see the claim that I was forging money. The only things that Vercetti Printworks prints are this newspaper and special adult publications. That's the beauty of Vice City. Tourist families can have fun on the beach, at the races. When the night falls, they can put little Billy to bed – in the care of a responsible adult I might add – and then head out to one of my clubs. For the man or lesbian – the Pole Position Club. For those looking to score instead of look, they have the Malibu Club. You want to go somewhere in Vice City? What better than a good old taxi cab? Perhaps you want to buy your own car? Then head over to Sunshine Autos. And all this money is being poured back into Vice City which means I can print honest newspapers like this one in which the truth can be heard, and make stimulating adult movies which show the beauty of this fair city and brings in even more trade.
Q: Paul claims the reason you haven't branched out into other parts of the country is because of loopholes in federal and state law that allow your criminal operations to thrive in Vice City do not exist on the mainland. How do you respond to this?
V: Okay, this is the deal. I ain't gonna hide it, back up North, I was a wiseguy, criminal, thug whatever you wanna call me. I was a nobody and went to jail for it. Now, I get mugged as soon as I arrive in this city, and I figured that it was gonna be in the same story. But no. Instead, this city took me to its heart. I found work and was able to afford businesses. Vice City made me a somebody. So, sue me if I don't wanna give something back. I'm not in this for the money. So, I don't care about new territory in other states, I just wanna show the rest of the world Vice City. America as it should be.
Q: I'm convinced, as I'm sure the entire editioral staff of your newspaper is. But, why would Kent Paul make these obvious accusations?
V: I wish I knew. Maybe its because his green card expired and he got sent back to England. Maybe its because when he came back after some time for tax evasion back over there, I'd realised my feelings for Mercedes and we'd settled down. Perhaps the coke screwed up his brain. Maybe its because the rest of the world realised how dumb mullets were. But, kidding aside, I forgive him for his lies.
Q: That's very generous
I know. Kent did set me up with some great contacts, and introduced me to my close personal friends Love Fist. So, out of respect I'd like to personally invite him back to Vice City and he can spend time here at the mansion and like the friends we were, I hope we can clear up this entire mess.
Note: This spoof article contains SPOILERS for the game Grand Theft Auto: Vice City. Please R and R, and who knows – I may write more!
+++ From: The Vice City Enquirer 28/02/04
TOMMY VERCETTI: MY TRUE STORY By Mandy Chavez
Ask anyone in America and they'll tell you who Tommy Vercetti is. He is the self styled man of the people who turned Vice City into one of the biggest holiday resorts in the world. Arriving for the first time in 1986, an ex-con from Liberty City, Vercetti was mugged as soon as he arrived here, and was left with only the money in his pocket. In the year that followed, Vercetti rose to prominence, taking over the criminal operation of Ricardo Diaz and turning it into the backbone of the Vice City economy. He also took over such Vice City landmarks as the Pole Position Club and the Malibu club, not to mention Kaufman Cabs and the print works. Since that year, Vercetti Industries has expanded. His porn studio is believed to be the most successful of all time, plus his print works took over the production of every major publication to come out of Vice City, including this one. After his marriage to Mercedes Cortez in 1990, Vercetti became something of a recluse, choosing to let his lawyer Ken Rosenberg handle his official statements, while Avery Carrington handles his business deals. Which made it more suprising when I was summoned to Vercetti's home on Starfish Island after recent revelations by a former friend.
Q Your former friend has made numerous allegations about you. Would you mind if we discussed them?
Vercetti (V): Not at all. I've worked for twenty long years to clean up my rep, and I'm not about to let some hanger on drag me back down to his level.
Q: Well, lets begin. In his book "My part in the rise of a Hood". Paul Fowler, AKA Kent Paul claims that you came to Vice City in order to distribute cocaine and that cocaine was promptly stolen from you.
V: That's absolutely not true. I went to Sonny Forelli, and as a personal favour I asked him if he could set me up with a legit business in Vice City. The only thing that was stolen from me was a loan that Sonny gave me. Maybe I shouldn't have taken cash, but hey it was a different time
Q: Well, after this incident, Paul claims that he, among others, set you up doing hired muscle work. Threatening people and property and so on.
V: Again untrue. Yes, Kent, Ken and Avery did set me up with work, but it was legal security work.
Q: After this, he alleges that you killed Ricardo Diaz and took over his organisation.
V: As a personal favour, I took over Ricardo Diaz courier service while he attended business overseas. I didn't realise he was making money shifting cocaine. When he didn't return, I decided to expand into other legitimate areas.
Q: Indeed, Kent Paul alleges that you resorted to theft, murder, terrorism and mass slaughter in order to make your businesses thrive. Surely you can't deny that Mr Vercetti?
V: Absolutely I do.
Q: On what grounds? You cannot deny that an unusual amount of crimes were committed in Vice City, and your businesses profited from these crimes.
V: I did find this worrying at the time. It turns out, my partner, Lance Vance was engaging in illegal operations behind my back on behalf of Sonny who was planning to use my legit businesses as a front for his criminal acts. Hey, I'm done with crime, but when Tommy Vercetti is threatened, I use my right as an American to defend myself. So, yeah, I killed Sonny and Lance, and I was sorry I had to do it. But I did it for Vice City, and the police agreed.
Q: Paul also claims that you got Congressman (now President) Alex Shrub to do a U-Turn on his anti pornography stance after you photographed him and one of your starlets in a sexual situation.
V: That claim made my blood boil. Alex Shrub has done more for this city and this country than anyone in 50 years, and rest assured he can count on the votes of me and my employees in the upcoming election.
Q: But why the dramatic U-Turn?
V: I visited Alex, with Candy Suxx in order to show him that as well as being stunningly beautiful, she was also intelligent and understood enterprise. He agreed, and saw that Pornography was just another form of American Enterprise and he threw his support behind us. And may I say, Candy makes an excellent First Lady, just what he needed after that divorce.
Q: You claim to me an advocate of American Enterprise, yet according to Paul, you engaged in terrorist action on American soil.
V: Ah, you're talking about my buddy Colonel Cortez. Hey, he's not anti American, he's anti French, okay? It was the French spies that attacked me when I was merely picking up a package for him.
Q: But he was implicated in the theft of a tank, and so were you!
V: Yet here we are toots, having this pleasant conversation, and there are no prison bars between us. The bottom line is that Cortez is a good leader and uses America as a great model for his little country. Personally he's a smart man, and a great father in law.
Q: Kent Paul, and a great deal of others for that matter, claim that you stripped Vice City of its morals. You own a strip club and a night club and Paul himself implicated you
V: Hey, Kent should go look in the mirror some time. The limey mook was hanging out in the Malibu club snorting coke and looking at girl's assets long before I took over. As for the porn studio and strip club, yes they're adult business, but I bought them, I didn't start them. In fact, I made Vice City a decent place to live. The deal with the Cubans and Haitians was smoothed over eventually, because of the business my cab company bought in. Cherry Poppers Ice Cream, despite what Kent says, is good old all American Ice Cream, and if any of my drivers are selling more questionable substances, then they're on their own. Oh, and don't think I didn't see the claim that I was forging money. The only things that Vercetti Printworks prints are this newspaper and special adult publications. That's the beauty of Vice City. Tourist families can have fun on the beach, at the races. When the night falls, they can put little Billy to bed – in the care of a responsible adult I might add – and then head out to one of my clubs. For the man or lesbian – the Pole Position Club. For those looking to score instead of look, they have the Malibu Club. You want to go somewhere in Vice City? What better than a good old taxi cab? Perhaps you want to buy your own car? Then head over to Sunshine Autos. And all this money is being poured back into Vice City which means I can print honest newspapers like this one in which the truth can be heard, and make stimulating adult movies which show the beauty of this fair city and brings in even more trade.
Q: Paul claims the reason you haven't branched out into other parts of the country is because of loopholes in federal and state law that allow your criminal operations to thrive in Vice City do not exist on the mainland. How do you respond to this?
V: Okay, this is the deal. I ain't gonna hide it, back up North, I was a wiseguy, criminal, thug whatever you wanna call me. I was a nobody and went to jail for it. Now, I get mugged as soon as I arrive in this city, and I figured that it was gonna be in the same story. But no. Instead, this city took me to its heart. I found work and was able to afford businesses. Vice City made me a somebody. So, sue me if I don't wanna give something back. I'm not in this for the money. So, I don't care about new territory in other states, I just wanna show the rest of the world Vice City. America as it should be.
Q: I'm convinced, as I'm sure the entire editioral staff of your newspaper is. But, why would Kent Paul make these obvious accusations?
V: I wish I knew. Maybe its because his green card expired and he got sent back to England. Maybe its because when he came back after some time for tax evasion back over there, I'd realised my feelings for Mercedes and we'd settled down. Perhaps the coke screwed up his brain. Maybe its because the rest of the world realised how dumb mullets were. But, kidding aside, I forgive him for his lies.
Q: That's very generous
I know. Kent did set me up with some great contacts, and introduced me to my close personal friends Love Fist. So, out of respect I'd like to personally invite him back to Vice City and he can spend time here at the mansion and like the friends we were, I hope we can clear up this entire mess.