Why can't you be happy?
I've been watching you for years now. First I didn't act on it because we were both girls and I thought it would pass. Then you were dating Beck, and my chance was what had passed instead. I still watch you, though, and I think about you a lot. As in, actually thinking about you. Trying to figure you out. Trying to determine why you work the way you do, and why you are the way you are. That one question, though, is one I can't answer. Why can't you be happy?
Oh sure, you've smiled. At me, even. You've been happy. But it's always so… fleeting. So temporary. I wish your smile would last. Whenever you do smile, I can't look away. You're gorgeous when you do, and it's so rare that I don't want to miss a moment of it. I wonder if Beck feels the same way… He must have had you so many times. Does he still admire you the way I do? Somehow, I doubt it. I get the feeling he takes you for granted sometimes. There have been moments where you smiled, and he just missed it. Didn't even notice. I cannot understand that.
I've seen you at your worst, too. When you don't go to Beck, you come to me. Usually you come to me because of Beck. You break things on my walls. Sometimes they're my things. One time, it was something irreplaceable. That was the only time you apologised. I forgave you every time, though. After the yelling and the breaking things, you ended up in my lap, breathing heavily and clutching my leg, whispering things you thought I couldn't hear. They were always bad things, but they were never about me.
Every time you were like that, it broke my heart.
Seeing you like this, though… My heart has been shattered.
I had been kneeling beside you, but my legs can't support me anymore. My hair falls into the red on the tiles, blending with it to the point of becoming impossible to distinguish. You manage to stroke my hair out of it, again whispering, but this time I think I'm supposed to hear it: "Don't… don't let me… soil you… not anymore, Cat."
I can't hold back the tears. And of all the times you could have picked, this is when you smile. I blink away the blur, furiously trying to drink this one in, knowing full well that it's going to be the last one. It's the longest one I've ever seen, too. "It's… best… this way." I shake my head furiously, repeating the same denial over and over. It isn't best this way. But when the sound of your last breath fades, that smile is still on your lips.
Your final moments have passed, and I'm still watching you. And I think that, by some cruel fate, this was the only way you could be happy.
I hope it was worth it. Because I will never be happy again.