Dark wings

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(author's note: These are some of Buffy's thoughts post "Chosen". They're mainly about Spike and her relationship with him, and… well, it's also sort of a small synopsis. The lyrics are from the song "Dark wings" by Within Temptation. I just think it fits perfectly to "Chosen" – don't you?)

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Why was I one of the chosen ones?
Until the fight I could not see
The magic and the strength of my power
It was beyond my wildest dreams

Buffy had never asked to be chosen. She had never in her life before moving to Sunnydale believed that there was anything special about her at all. And yet here she was. Seven years after her arrival in Sunnydale, she'd saved the world so many times she'd completely lost count. It was all a bit surreal, not to mention the powers she'd been entrusted with, the ones so many young women had had before her.

She had been chosen to be the Slayer of her generation. Bit by bit over the years, she'd begun to understand what the concept really meant. She had put the pieces together one by one, and had been left with a picture that still wasn't fully finished.

Dark wings they are descending
See shadows gathering around

Every threat she'd faced with her friends at her side, she'd felt safe because she'd known they were there for her. She had died twice. It hadn't been easy coming back from the grave, but finally, she had realised that life is something to be treasured, and not casually thrown away on a whim, or because it gets hard at times. Everyone else had to face the troubles of life, so why should she be any different? It was only fair. And Dawn needed her, even though the girl persisted that she was a grown-up and fully able to deal with things by herself.

Then, after a year filled with more ordinary troubles and the inevitable loss that always seemed to occur in her life, one way or another, she'd felt more or less certain that the calm would continue a bit longer. At least she'd hoped so.

But it had been a foolish hope she'd been clinging to. Darkness once again arose, and this time, it was greater than everything she'd ever faced.

One by one they are falling
Every time they try to strike us down

But when she thought of it… hadn't she beaten every enemy before? The master, the Gentlemen, hell, even Glory the Hellgod… ess. That was pretty impressive, even she could see that.

But… what about Spike? He was her one great failure. For almost six years he had taunted her, escaped her, plotted against her and tried to kill her numerous times. She had had plenty of chances. And yet… she hadn't been able to kill him. And then… she had used him. She had slept with him. Right up until the attempted rape, she'd even wanted him, almost as much as he'd wanted her. And then…

Don't you die on me
You haven't made your peace
Live life, breathe, breathe

He had got his soul back, sure. Dazzled them all with the whole redemption-thing he had going for him. The 'I've been evil for hundreds of years and now I'm good' thing. And that had made it all so much harder – knowing he was a better man, and still not being able to trust him enough to let go of control and give in to the longing she still felt for him.

And then, he had sacrificed himself so that the world could be saved, when no one else had been able to. He had stood up against the First and beaten it – he had even overcome the brainwashing procedure. If that wasn't honourable, if that wasn't noble, Buffy didn't know what was. That was why it had been so difficult leaving him behind, knowing fully well that he wasn't going to survive. Because through every action he had taken, he had loved her. Loved her with such intensity, it had almost burned him up from the inside.

Yet she had left him there. And he had certainly gone out with a bang.

The night turned into the day
Blinded by your rays of life
Give us the strength we needed

A soul he hadn't used for so infinitely long had come to use in a perfect way.

And although Buffy would never admit to it in front of her friends, there was a place inside of her that Spike had occupied that now felt like a black hole - a void which would be difficult to fill up again. It wasn't the first time she'd felt emptiness after losing a loved one – although maybe Spike didn't count as a loved one, exactly – but still, she'd been unprepared for it.

Only time would tell how she would cope with that emptiness.