Too Little, Too Late
Disclaimer: I don't own anything, though it would be nice to own a piece of Ryan :-)
---
Chapter 1
"You're too late."
Marissa slammed the front door of her house and walked quietly to her father's office, not wanting to wake her father who was sleeping in the guest bedroom. She didn't need to turn the light on; she knew exactly what she was looking for. The Louis XIV cabinet gleamed slightly in the moonlight as she opened the doors to reveal a bottle filled with smoky amber liquid. Despite her shaky hands, she filled a glass and took a big gulp, sighing in relief at the warm sensation that was making its way down from her throat to her belly. She had promised herself that she would get her drinking under control, but right now was no time for control.
She had lost her virginity tonight, and she wasn't sure if she should laugh or cry.
She sipped thoughtfully from her glass as she walked up the stairs to her bedroom. Her first instinct after leaving Luke's house was to bathe, to cleanse herself of the dirty feeling their actions had left on her. But now, all she felt was numbness. Beautiful, exquisite numbness, courtesy of her father's 20-year-old single malt scotch whiskey. All Marissa wanted to do was forget, but every time she closed her eyes, all she could see were the night's events playing over and over in her mind.
My life used to be so simple, she thought, maybe a little too simple. Still, it was comfortable... Why did everything have to change? Why did my dad have to steal all that money? Why did Luke have to get shot? Why did the Cohens have to adopt...Ryan?
Tears blurred her vision as her thoughts went to the one person she never wanted to think about again. Remembering the sight of that beautiful, older woman wrapped in an embrace with Ryan made her heart tighten a little bit more. Marissa went to the pool house with every intention of confessing her feelings to him, only to discover that she had already been replaced. She thought he would be different, but now she realized that Ryan was just like all the others.
So she gave to Luke what she thought would be Ryan's: her body, which was the only thing she had left to give. It wasn't quite so unbearable, although at times she felt like she was somewhere else. It helped to hear Luke say that he loved her, even though she knew about Holly and the other girls, and even if she didn't love him back. She was a fool to think that love was possible, anyway.
She rummaged though her make-up bag, locating the small bottle of pills she had bought from some kid in school. She swallowed a handful of the little white pills with the last of the scotch and lay her head down on her pillow, wishing that she could just disappear. And forget.
---
"You're too late."
Ryan stood outside Marissa's front door, still not sure how he was going to react to her statement. Suddenly, he felt more lost than he ever did in Chino.
He knew that she wouldn't want to talk to him, but the last thing he expected was to see her come home from god knows where, with her hair mussed and her dress wrinkled. She didn't look hurt, but her eyes told him otherwise. And the fact that he was a major contributor to that hurt didn't make him feel any better.
Seeing Marissa arrive at the party with Luke was difficult, and was part of the reason why he returned Gabby's advances. It was a mistake, allowing Gabby to do the things she did, but he couldn't let her shoulder all of the blame. He had kissed her back, removed her dress, and if Marissa hadn't walked in on them, they probably would've done a whole lot more. But what else was he supposed to do? Any guy his age would be either crazy or impotent to turn down an offer from a woman like Gabby. And from Marissa's actions, it seemed clear to him that she had made her choice, and it wasn't Ryan Atwood. He couldn't spend the rest of his life waiting for something that's never going to happen, now could he?
After one last look at Marissa's bedroom window, he walked back into the pool house, frustrated, knowing that he was trying to find justification for his actions, when there was none. He wished she had given him time to explain, to make her understand, but maybe she was right when she said that it was too late. He was a fool to believe that a girl like Marissa would ever be happy with a guy like him, anyway.
Ryan lay down on his bed, wondering if he was ever going to feel like he belonged in this strange place. He reached underneath his bed for a dark towel, and brought it to his nose. It was the towel he had used to dry off Marissa a few nights ago, and it still held some of her scent. He held it close, reluctantly admitting to himself that he would never again be able to hold her the way he did that night. He finally closed his eyes, and later on that night dreamt of a beautiful princess who smelled of lilies and rain, who lived in a glass castle that was too far for him to reach.
---
Ryan's dreams were interrupted by the sound of Seth's voice that seemed to be coming from far away. He groggily opened his eyes, and checked the alarm clock next to his bed. 5:35 a.m. In his confusion, he could see that Seth was trying to tell him something, but all he could hear was the siren of an ambulance. He struggled to sit up and only then did he understand what Seth was saying.
"It's Marissa. Her dad found her unconscious in her room. They think she tried to kill herself."