Ali Badhboi and the 39 Thieves
By
Runt Thunderbelch
Chapter 1: Looking for Trouble
"Good evening, Sarge."
Fred Colon gave a start. He'd been leaning up against one of the great stone hippopotami which lined the bridge connecting upscale Anhk with downscale Morpork. "Oh. Good evening, Nobby."
The horrific-looking little corporal, currently dressed in his civvies, grinned. "Beautiful night, ain't it?"
The sergeant of the City Watch smiled wistfully. "Ah Nobby, 'perfect' and 'Anhk-Morpork' are two words which a man rarely finds together in the same sentence, but tonight is a perfect night in Anhk-Morpork. Feel that breeze? She's a warm one, alright. Must be coming to us all the way from the deserts of Klatch. And listen: No screams, no glass breaking, no cries for help. Ten o'clock and all is well. How often have we said that and really meant it, eh?"
A sleek trading vessel glided silently beneath them as it headed upriver towards the docks.
Colon nodded at the civvies. "Where ya goin'?"
"To the Pink Pussycat Club, Sarge. My girl's performing there tonight. You ought to tag along sometime. She's really something."
"Can't Nobby. I'm a married man. But you, you rascal, you go have your fun. Off with ya now."
"Sure. Night, Sarge."
"Night, Nobby."
As the little man perambulated off into the darkness, Sergeant Colon luxuriated in the peaceful evening and gazed down at the silently gliding ship. The name on her stern was the 'Devil Wind.' Charming, simply charming. What a colorful name.
۞
Ali Badhboi and his 39 thieves were sailing the Devil Wind up the River Anhk on a mission of revenge. Their fortieth member, the elephant Tickles, had been kidnapped by animal hunters and imprisoned in the Anhk-Morpork Zoo. They were coming to get Tickles back.
Sinwell the Sailor was on the quarterdeck in command of the ship. Redbeard was at the wheel. In the crow's nest, Amir the Corsair kept a look out. Amir had seen the fat sergeant stationed on the stone bridge, but had also seen that the Watchman had taken no real notice of them.
Down below in the wardroom, Ali Badhboi was holding an officers' meeting. "Sheik" Rattlenrol was in charge of the Klatchian adventurers. "Doc" oversaw the fugitive rogues from Ankh-Morpork. The various soldiers of fortune were commanded by Ferrari. Although the assassin Black Vulture was technically one of Sheik Rattlenrol's men, he'd been invited to attend. Crackers the Klatchian octorine parrot sat on his perch, cracking open sunflower seeds with his beak. Sloe Djinn Fez floated magically in the air. The Crystal of Katoosh glowed ominously. And the Carpet lay on the floor, keeping its mouth shut for a pleasant change.
"Magic Crystal," said Ali Badhboi, "show us the location of the city zoo."
The light from the Crystal of Katoosh changed colors and intensities. It was sitting directly on the Carpet, whose fibers began to waver and to re-weave themselves. As the thieves watched, a map of Anhk-Morpork began to slowly appear within the fibers of the Carpet.
Ali Badhboi pointed. "We'll tie the ship up approximately here. Then Doc, take your Anhk-Morporkians, fan out through these streets and make your way over to the zoo here. Note the locations of any City Watch stations, any patrols, or other obstacles which may present themselves. Black Vulture, you go over the rooftops to the zoo and note the same information. Crackers, you accompany Doc to act as messenger if necessary."
"Awk."
"Doc, your goal is to be as unobtrusive as possible, to locate Tickles within the zoo, to locate and identify any hazards our rescue party may encounter, and then to get back here safely, unobserved, and with the information we need. Do you understand?"
The gaunt man nodded.
"Sheik, your men will remain here and guard the boat.
"Ferrari, your men will also guard the boat but in addition, they will act as reinforcements to Doc's men if that becomes necessary. Any questions?"
Sloe Djinn Fez asked, "What about me, Master?"
"I have a special task for you. See me after."
"Your wish is my command."
"Crackers," Ali Badhboi said to the Klatchian octorine parrot as he pulled from inside his shirt an amulet forged around an apricot-sized thaumic crystal. "I may have to leave this ship. So if you need to find me, come to this amulet, not to the ship, understand?"
The parrot stared lustfully at the crystal. "I want it."
"Come to it later," said Ali Badhboi, "if Doc needs you to bring me a message."
"I want it."
Ignoring the parrot, Ali Badhboi slid the amulet back inside his shirt. "If there are no more questions, gentlemen and uh magical entities, then Doc, muster your men on the main deck and prepare to move out. Sheik, get your men to their guard posts. Ferrari, have your men get some shut eye. They may need it."
The parrot squawked, "Onwards and upwards," and fluttered over onto Doc's shoulder. The men rose and made their way topside. Sloe Djinn Fez floated over to Ali Badhboi.
"Yes, Master?"
Ali Badhboi slowly shook his head. "I don't trust a man jack of them. Tell me, is a djinni of your age still able to evaporate?"
"What do you mean by that?" snapped Sloe Djinn Fez.
"Well, you're over three thousand years old and - -"
"I don't feel a day over five hundred! I'm fine, fine."
"Okay great. Super. I need you to vaporize and to follow the Anhk-Morporkians. If you see anything suspicious, report back to me." He patted the front of his shirt. "Remember, come to the amulet, not to the ship."
The djinni bowed. "Your wish is my command."
Ali Badhboi looked down at the Carpet. "Nothing sarcastic from you?"
"Not at this time," replied the Carpet, "but I'm sure the opportunity will soon present itself."
As Sloe Djinn Fez wafted topside, Ali Badhboi made his way along the passageway to the owner's cabin. Klatch was a very conservative nation, with the women required to cover every inch of themselves humanly possible. Of course, for women in some professions, that rule was waived, and some of those professions paid extremely well.
Without knocking, Ali Badhboi opened the owner's cabin and went in. Sireen de Wowwow was shackled to the bulkhead and was firmly gagged. Her clothes were mostly azure gossamer, with only azure satin panties and halter to maintain her modesty.
Sireen was being guarded by Oh-Oh, the ship's monkey.
"She give you any trouble?"
"No, no," said Oh-Oh.
Ali Badhboi removed Sireen's gag.
"Ali Badhboi!" the young woman snarled. "You lump of worthless dog meat! I'll have you flayed alive! You'll be thrown into a scorpion pit and, while you writhe in agony from their stings, I'll have you disemboweled and forced to eat your own guts!"
"Good evening, Sireen. I hope you've had a pleasant voyage."
"Release me, camel dung, and I'll give you a running start before I sic mad dogs upon you!"
"Tsk, tsk. Such an attitude, and after I've been so kind to you. You know, for the use of your oh-so-lovely boat, you'll be compensated with a full share of the treasure."
"Treasure? What treasure? You're after an elephant!"
"Yes, an elephant . . . and a treasure. Oh, did I forget to mention the treasure earlier? How careless of me."
"You lying dung beetle! There is no treasure!"
"There most certainly is. I intend to make you a very rich woman."
"I already am a very rich woman!"
"Well then, I shall make you richer still." He slipped her gag back into place and kissed her on the tip of her nose. He waited for Oh-Oh the monkey to jump onto his shoulder, and then the two of them headed for the main deck.