Hey, so this was one of those, I was having a crappy day and so I wrote this…I hope you enjoy it...
Hypophrenia is the feeling of sadness without knowing why, btw.
I don't own anything from Glee.
When he's alone, he cries.
When he's alone it's all he can do not to break down and scream so loud into a pillow that the neighbors can still hear him through the thin walls of the loft. He feels as though his insides are ripping out, as though he'll never run fast enough to escape the waves of despair that seem to pull him under, over and over again like an undertow that no one seems to notice he drowning in.
When he cries, it's like it comes right from his soul. It feels like the tears are leaking out every hurt he's ever been dealt and it's like it's taking away every happiness he's ever known.
Crying is not therapeutic for him. He doesn't cry so that he can feel a weight lifted from him, he cries because there's nothing else he can do. When he is crying, he is being pulled under, he is letting the pain and the misery and the anguish that no one knows he feels engulf him and take him to the deepest parts of his hell.
Sometimes he lies in bed, hours at a time, and watches as the light in the room changes with the movement of the sun. Sometimes he feigns going to class in the morning when his roommates are around, but he doesn't. He lets his fiancé leave and gives him a kiss and a bright smile that he knows he feels somewhere in his heart. He waits for the silence to take over the apartment. The energy leaves him then, because the only energy he ever has is from them.
When they leave he knows he can stop pretending, he can stop smiling, he can stop forcing whatever happiness that is inside of him to keep his cheerfulness alive. He feels his smile begin to shake and waver as the last of his roommates leaves and so he walks to his room and doesn't bother with taking off his clothes, though his boyfriend would be horrified that he crawls into bed with them on. He doesn't even bother to undo the already made bed. He crawls onto the bed and lays facing the window and waits…and waits…
The tears do come, sometimes after a long while, but they always come and he never tries to fight them because this is just who he is. This is who he really is when he isn't trying so damn hard to make everyone believe that he's someone else. This is what it feels like to be him; hollow.
The crying is different depending on the day; sometimes its just tears falling from his eyes without his control, without his thoughts taking over his mind. Other times, though, other times its excruciating…painful sobs rip from his body and he feels like he's losing his mind because why does he feel like this? Why is this so hard? Why is life so hard?
No matter what kind of day it is, though, he always know when he needs to pull himself together. If it's been a bad day, he'll wash his face and then leave the loft, giving the city the job of making it look like nothing ever happened.
On days like today, though, when he's just been staring out the window, just allowing the warm tears to flow from his eyes, it's a little easier.
When the times comes he gets out of bed, fixes the blankets so they aren't crumpled from where his body has been lying all day, and flips the pillow so the tear marks can dry; so they can't be seen.
He walks to the bathroom and assesses the damage, red tinged eyelids and a blotchy face, nothing a cool shower can't fix.
So that's exactly what he does. He takes a cool shower, takes enough time for the blood vessels under his skin to calm, and for his appearance to return to normal.
When he gets out, he looks like himself. His eyes look at his reflection in the mirror, and the ones looking back at him are dead and emotionless, which is funny considering how he spent his day.
He dries off, wraps the towel around his waist, and when he opens the door, his fiancé is already there.
"Oh Blaine, I was wondering who was in the shower at this time." Kurt looks at him confused, glancing at his watch knowing Blaine should just be getting out of class now.
Blaine smiles, "Class was cancelled."