Author's Note: Welcome to my newest chapter fic! I've had this idea stirring in my head for a few days, and I've finally started putting it down on paper. This is the story of what happens after Mello's and Matt's deaths. It's something new, and I've enjoyed writing it so far. I hope you guys like it as much as I do. Onward!
Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note. Know why? ...Mello would've died with chocolate in his mouth. Damn it.
Warning: I have no idea where this fic will take me, so I'm rating it M. There will probably be sex in later chapters. Actually, I can promise there will be. So you have been warned.
This is hell. My skin is on fire, but my core is freezing. I can't make heads or tails of which sort of pain is strongest, but I know it all hurts. I can't breathe, can barely think, and oh God I'm so thirsty. I can't see much in the darkness, but I know. Oh, I know. Matt isn't here.
This is hell. The explosion that claimed half my face was nothing in comparison. This burns. It scorches every part of me, inside and out, and God I'm going crazy. I'm freezing and I'm burning, and it won't stop! God, I feel punished enough already. I've learned my lesson. I can't stop the dead prayers from spilling past my lips, but with every recitation, the pain intensifies. It hurts. I'm so sorry, God, for every sin I've ever committed in my entire life. Weren't you supposed to forgive my transgressions? Didn't you say you'd still love me? Oh, God, it hurts. I don't want to be here! Where's my Matt?
"Maaaatttt, it huuuurrrrttss!" Bitter tears fell from small watery eyes, catching in locks of golden hair.
"I know, Mel. It's supposed to hurt. What were you thinking, man? You never risk stupid plans. And I hate to say it," the boy paused, ruffling the blonde's messy hair, "but that was stupid."
"I knooow," the blonde sniffled, "but I didn't think Roger would get so mad! He's never been so angry before. It hurts, Matt."
"It's supposed to hurt, Mel. It's a spanking. You know; a punishment to make sure you never do it again."
"But it hurts..."
"It won't last forever."
Christ, it hurts! I can't stop shivering, although I know that flames are licking my skin. It hurts so much, God, and it's never going to stop! This is the ultimate punishment for my sins, and I don't even have Matt to comfort me. Matt isn't here. Oh God, thank you. Thank you, God, that Matt isn't here. If one of us must pay for our crimes, I'd rather do it.
Shit, this pain doesn't stop! This is every skinned knee and bloody lip, every swatted hand and slapped face, every gunshot wound and bomb burst all rolled into one piercing, throbbing, aching punishment. God! Why? Why am I here? I couldn't have possibly done enough wrong to be sentenced here! No person, dead or alive, should ever go through this torment. Kira himself shouldn't ever feel this pain. It's too much! It isn't fair. It's not fair! I know I've committed many crimes, broken many rules, but I couldn't have done enough to deserve this. This is hell.
"Boys!" The aging man stormed through the yard toward the cowering duo. "What have you done? What were you thinking? What do you have to say for yourselves?"
"I'm sorry, Roger!" Matt whined, on the verge of tears.
"It's not Matt's fault, Roger! It's mine. He just found me a second ago and tried to stop me. He didn't do anything wrong. I was the one who set the fire."
"Mello! Why am I not surprised? Come along, sir. Matt, please go to your room for the time being. I'll send your roommate along after I've dealt with him."
Matt stared, wide-eyed, at the elderly caregiver dragging the feisty blonde along beside him. Mello looked back only once, just long enough wink, before they disappeared into the halls of Wammy's House. Matt shifted uncomfortably in the glare of the late afternoon sun. He slowly bent down to retrieve his lighter, his lighter fluid, his report card, and Mello's Algebra book. With a lump the size of the sun in his stomach, he slinked back to the boys' shared room.
Later that afternoon, Matt was half-asleep in a drowsy daze when Mello returned. Keeping his eyes as slits, Matt watched the blonde limp cautiously to his own bed, wincing and swearing softly as he lowered himself onto the comforter.
"Mel?"
"Oh, Matt. I thought you were sleeping. 'Sup?"
"Why'd you do that, idiot?"
"Do what?" The blonde grinned, hiding a grimace beneath his smooth features.
"You took the blame."
"Yeah, so? Better me than you."
"But it was my fault. I was the one trying to burn my report card."
"And? Drop it, Matt. Better me than you. I'd take the fall for you any day."
"But Mello..."
"Shut up, Matt. It wouldn't have been fair for you to get a B in English and a whipping in the same day. That's all there is to it. Let it go."
"Mel..."
"Drop it. I'd do anything for you."
Come on, God, I'll make a deal with you! I'll do anything. I'll trade years of service to you for relief from this torture. I'll give you my soul. I don't care anymore; just get me out of here! I've always called on you before. Why do you betray me now? God, can't you just punish me all at once and end this prolonged torment? Just get it over with, please? I can't stand this for an eternity! I'll lose everything I know about myself! God, it hurts! It hurts! I don't even know what's hurting anymore, but I know it hurts! It's getting harder and harder to focus my mind, because I'm just so tired. Mercy! God, Mercy!
I just want to see Matty one last time. Please, God, please. I don't want him to be here in his hell, but I just...God, please let me see him. I can't picture him anymore. He's got scruffy red hair, but how did it fall across his face? Did it spike, or was it straight? I can't remember! God, and his...his face. There was something odd about his face. Was it a scar? No, I had the scar. He had...goggles. He always wore his goggles. And he smoked, but I can't remember how he held the cigarettes. What color were his eyes? Oh God, this is torture! Pure, sick, white-hot torture! Just let me hold his memory. God, if you have any mercy in your spirit for a sinner like me, please just let me have that one memory of him. I just want to see him again.
"We're coming back, right?" Matt asked cautiously before locking the door to their apartment.
"Of course we're coming back. We've got to pack our shit tonight. After kidnapping Takada, we're going to be on the run for a while. But I'll be damned if that'll stop us from beating that pinch-faced Near!" Mello clicked his tongue in disgust as he turned toward the stairs.
"Mello?"
The blonde paused, glancing back over his shoulder one final time. Matt stood with his hand still on the doorknob, red hair plastered to his face with sweat. His goggles hung loosely around his neck, catching bits of ash from the cigarette dangling from his lips. His green eyes shone with a mix of fear and exhilaration. Mello just smiled and winked, sending a small air kiss toward Matt's unsteady form.
"Goodbye, Matty. I'll see you soon."
I'm broken, okay? God, listen to me! Listen, damn you! I'm gone! My pride is gone! You broke me, I'm nothing! Just get me out of here! Just please, God, please get me out of here! I want to live again! I want Matt to live again! Can't you just spare us one corner of the universe? Can't you just give us one place to be together? God, I don't care if I'm a wretched sinning scumbag. Please have mercy on me! I can't stand this hell any longer. It hurts, God, please get me out. At least tell me where Matt is? Is he safe? Is he in heaven with you? God, please tell me he's safe. I couldn't ever forgive myself if he was stuck in hell like me. I hope he's in heaven, or at least somewhere better than here. Maybe he's lazing around some lake in the middle of a field of wildflowers. Maybe the sunlight is bouncing off his goggles while he daydreams. Maybe he's holed up in some celestial apartment playing Mario Kart, wondering if I'll ever come home.
God, I want to go home to him. That's where I belong, God, can't you see? So please, please let me go. Before I go crazy, just let me go! I'll do anything. I'll be good for the rest of eternity. I'll never swear again, damn it! I promise I won't use the internet to look up smutty novels for free. I swear I won't steal credit cards for gas money. I swear I'll never call Matt a bad name ever again. Just let me go to him, wherever he is. God, strike this one deal with me, please? I've learned my lesson. I'm sorry. I can't stay here! It hurts too much to be without him. It just hurts, period. Everything hurts.
Can't you save your child who was damned?
"Matt...I never thought that you'd be killed. I'm sorry..."
God, why? Why me? I just want Matt. That's all. Matt. Matt. If I stop saying his name, I'm afraid I'll forget him. I want Matt. He's my friend. No, better, he's my lover. He's my everything. God, just let me be near him. My greatest wish is to escape this hell to be with Matt.
"Is that truly what you desire, child?"
...God?