Severus Snape – the change
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'My dear death eaters, my dear friendsssss!' Voldemort said softly and yet his voice carried clearly throughout the entire room. They were all gathered in a largish house that was situated in Wales. That house had been the home of Doracas Meadows who was personally killed by Voldemort himself when he stormed the house, just a few days ago. The wards had impressed him and so had the quality of fight Meadows had put up before she died. She had actually hurt Voldemort with a deep cutting spell and he had been enraged. She had died soon after, not able to match his dark spells, but still she had single-handedly taken three death eaters down with her.
As a mark of triumph Voldemort had decided to hold the next few meeting in her house after re-setting the wards, so that the Order could not enter. That was the ultimate insult he could give Dorocas for managing to cut him deeply.
'Today, I have decided to go against a family that has been prophesied to give me trouble. Severus, my loyal follower brought me information that there could be born a child that could be a threat to me...'
The death eaters looked uneasily at each other. A threat to their Lord was something they could not fathom and it disturbed them; Bellatrix in particular was shocked, but before she could open her mouth and say something, Voldemort spoke again.
'I have a follower who is a member of the Order.' He announced proudly. This time the murmurings were much louder. This was an achievement, because a death eater in the Order of the Phoenix meant getting one over Albus Dumbledore and that was quite a feat.
'He has been the reason why we have been able to capture so many Order members in the last few months. He was the one who provided me with information about the Order members' whereabouts, including Doracas Meadows.' The death eaters looked at Voldemort impressed with the fact that somehow Voldemort had managed the impossible. He had passed off one of them as one of theirs.
'The Prophecy which I received from Severus, told me that the one who is born on the last day of the seventh moth will give me trouble.' Voldemort said softly, his red eyes gleaming in the dim lit room. The death eaters were silent. They stared at their Lord; unable to get their minds around the fact that there could be someone who could actually be a threat to their Lord.
Severus Snape was one of those death eaters, standing in the circle. He smirked proudly, when Voldemort referred to him. While he was shocked with the rest about the spy who was in Dumbledore's Order, he could not help but feel proud that he too had helped his Master. It was he who gave Voldemort the Prophecy that would warn him about a threat to him. He squashed a slight guilt that rose up in him, which told him that an innocent family and a small baby would perish because of his information. He shrugged. This was war, war for the betterment of the Wizarding World and that family was a victim of the war. He listened, his demeanour straight, his thin form utterly still.
Severus had joined the Dark Lord thinking it was his ticket to stand by the sides of the likes of the Malfoys, Potters and Blacks. He had signed up to keep their world well away from muggles and muggleborns and he had been thrilled about it at first. But he soon realized what a death eater had to do and for him, it meant suppressing two voices, one his own conscience and another, a certain voice belonging to a red headed girl arguing with him about the mistakes he was making.
But Severus had lost almost everything he valued in his life and he was not going to lose this as well. On that point he was determined. He would be a good death eater, if there was such a term and he would stand up a tall man when the new regime was ushered in.
He stood straight, even managing to smirk a little expecting Voldemort to say that he would be going against the Longbottoms; they had had a boy on the last day of the seventh month; another boy too had been born; Severus's lips twitched in bitterness and jealousy, but that boy would not be considered at all; for he was not pure of blood. His mother was a muggleborn. Severus's heart twisted in pain.
He had loved that muggleborn witch; no that would be wrong, he still loved Lily; not that he wanted to; what he desperately wanted was to forget her and move on, forget her words and become a death eater like Bellatrix and Lucius, forget her arguments and hate her for not loving him like he loved her and above all forget the fact she loved Potter and not him. She loved Potter of all people; thinking those words made Severus feel murderous; he wondered what on earth she had seen in him and if she was taken in by his good looks and Quidditch abilities.
But in the heart of hearts Severus knew it wasn't true, frowning as he thought of Lily and Potter and ignoring the sudden shouts from the death eaters and the sparks they released when they raised their wands into the air in some sort of celebration. Lily had loved Potter, really loved him; that was what got Severus in the gut every time he thought of storming Godric's Hollow and killing James Potter for taking Lily away from him. He made her happy. Severus's stomach heaved. James Potter actually made Lily happy.
That was the reason he had never went near Potter. He could not kill Lily's happiness; that was very important to him even now, why he did not know, he should have hated her for everything, but he just could not and if she loved that miserable Potter then he just had to watch it and live with it. He wished like anything he could have hated her; then all would be fine with his world, but thinking of those brilliant green eyes and her crisp words, only made him love her more. He clenched his hands in frustration when,
'Severus?' a smooth voice called out to him in amusement and Severus turned, bewildered for a moment, lost in horrible thoughts and saw that the Dark Lord had dismissed them and most of them were on their way out.
'Well you are cool and collected. I did think you'd be upset at the very least.' Lucius Malfoy came up to him, his amusement very apparent in his voice. They were all wearing masks and Severus could not see Lucius's expression. He tried to make sense of what Lucius had said and suddenly a great fear gripped him; he was very scared. Glad of his mask which he knew would cover his feelings and expressions, Severus asked Lucius in what he hoped was a steady voice.
'Why on earth should I be upset, Lucius? As if I care what happens to the Longbottoms.' He sneered and was shaken when Lucius laughed in genuine amusement, actually clapping him on his shoulder.
'Where were you Severus? The Dark Lord has decided to go after Potter. Harry Potter. Your mudblood "friend" will also be killed along with him. So sad.' He said smirking, and laughing at Severus's horrified silence Lucius Malfoy walked away to talk to Rudolphus Lestrange who was calling out to him.
Severus stood there unable to believe what he had just heard. The Dark Lord was going after Lily. Why? She was a muggleborn; her son would be a half-blood wouldn't he?
He did not know how he stumbled out of there and to his shabby home in Spinner's End. He could afford much better now that he was brewing potions for many apothecaries but he could never bear to leave this house; this house where he first met Lily, where he had roamed the streets with her and where he had spent ages with her at the now rundown park, talking, discussing everything and anything under the sun with her.
He walked into his home and re-set the wards out of sheer habit and slumped into the threadbare sofa. It was there that reality hit Severus. Lily was the target; her son was the target; Lily would surely protect him and die. Severus's mind stopped there and refused to move forwards. He gaped at the books in front of him and his mind would not stop chanting the words, 'Lily was going to die.'
He sat there all through the night, stunned at what had happened; stunned at what he'd done! Done to a girl, who was his only friend; done to a girl who was his only love. Oh! Merlin! What had he done? What had he done?
Severus's mind broke into a million pieces and his heart shattered completely, unable to bear the guilt of his own actions. Lily's words came round and round into his mind. "They're evil Sev.' She had said. He had not listened. She had told him that the Dark Lord was evil and his agenda wrong; she had broken off because she was sure he was going to become a death eater. She had been correct. And now he, Severus Snape had become her killer.
What an irony life was. Fate was punishing him for all his crimes. Bestowing on him the blood of the girl he loved, the blood of her child, born of her. Even if she lived, she would forever be unhappy, for her child and perhaps even her husband would be taken by the Dark Lord. Her unhappiness was in his hands. Or her death. What a fitting punishment it was to all that he had done as a death eater.
Severus lost his mind and he sat there for days, trying to come to terms with what he had done; with what he had become; with what he was at that time. He realised fully for the first time about how correct Lily was. He agreed with her that she was correct to break off with him, for he was filth, surely there could be no one lower than him, for he had arranged as it were for the murder of the only girl who had captured his heart, whom he loved more than life itself.
Where and why had he gone so wrong? Why had he not understood? He despaired and allowed the tears to fall from his black eyes, eyes that were lifeless and dead, as dead as him, as dead as his heart, mind and soul was.
It was days after Voldemort announced his plan that Severus stirred. Avery and Mulciber had come to his flat and seeing him so depressed, had gone away hurriedly thinking Severus was ill. They duly reported what they saw to Voldemort and the Dark Lord had not called for him. So Severus was free to wail about his sorrow and his own wrong choices that had landed him in this situation.
When his mind had over flown with despair and grief, he had looked deep into himself and had been horrified at what he saw there, at what he had become. Had Lily met this Severus, he knew, she would never ever speak with him, let alone be friends with him. Then had come a feeling of such intense remorse for his actions, such strong feelings that he almost crumpled under their intensity.
And it from that remorse that was born a determination; a determination that he would not let Lily die; that he would not let Lily down either. Whether she would realize it or not, whether she would acknowledge him or not, Severus had learnt; he had understood and he had changed; and he would never ever walk the wrong way again. That decision gave Severus a hope and he started to think.
He thought long and hard about what the best was way to warn Lily and also to get Voldemort to stop going after the Potters. But he just could not find a way to stop Voldemort going after the Potters. He clutched his hair and thought fast and furious and then concluded there was only one way with Voldemort and that he would try his luck with him and then go to Dumbledore. He did not think of going to Lily because he knew any owl he sent would never be heeded by Potter and Black and they would also never allow Lily to meet him and Severus smiled sadly; he was also sure Lily would agree with them; she would never want to meet him the way he was. His heart twisted for that thought hurt badly, but Severus shrugged it off; there was work to do.
He stood up, and walked to his desk. He sat down there writing a letter that he sealed and placed a few charms upon, and then he stood up, dishevelled and untidy. He cast a few cleaning charms that really did not help and walked unsteadily to the Dark Lord's hideout. Using his dark mark, he entered and waited for Voldemort.
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Voldemort came after a few minutes, informed by an elf. He came out curious to know what a lowly death eater would want of him. From where he had summoned the courage of asking for a meeting, not requesting, not seeking an appointment, but daring to come here and ask to meet him.
He went to the huge hall where the death eaters usually gathered and stopped. There was Severus Snape. And he looked terrible. That was the word that sprung to Voldemort's mind. He looked as if he was dying. Voldemort wondered for a minute if that was true. Had Snape contacted a disease that was killing him? His eyes seemed sunken and his complexion so pale, he could have passed for a vampire. Voldemort was curious.
'Severussss?' he asked seeing Severus bow low to him.
'Master,' Snape said getting up slowly and looking into Voldemort's eyes. 'I have come with a request to you My Lord. I will understand if you do not give it.' He said softly, his black eyes looking steadily at Voldemort.
Voldemort was tempted. He wanted to peep into Snape's mind; but he also wanted to know what Snape would tell him and he smiled. 'Severus, you are not looking well.' he said, 'What ails you and what do you want from me? Speak.'
'My Lord, I wish to seek a favour from you.' Severus stammered, fearful of what may transpire.
'Favour…' Voldemort mused, looking at Severus, 'What is it that you seek from me?'
Snape braced himself for the worst and yet he refused to give up hope for the best. He took a deep breath, thought for a second of the laughing green eyes and spoke in a very soft and low voice.
'I want to request of you, My Lord, to spare me the life of Lily Potter.' He said, fearful of the reaction he would get and yet speaking the core issue directly. Voldemort would react better this way and if he would kill Severus, then Severus did not mind. The Wizarding World would be a better place if people, no, not people, if traitors like him died. For all his crimes and mistakes, he would die deserving that death and yet knowing that he had met his death doing the right thing; that he had changed and understood his mistakes before he died.
Severus had already written a letter to Dumbledore to reach him the moment he died. That letter written as an oath would be received by Dumbledore and Dumbledore would learn about the love of Snape, his crimes and his remorse. While he may not be interested in all that, Snape had also written as much as he knew about the death eaters, their plans and above all the information that Voldemort had chosen the Potter child as the child of the Prophecy and that there was a traitor in the Order. Dumbledore would benefit by this information, he knew.
'You wish me to spare the family Severus?' Voldemort asked a dangerous inflection in his voice.
'No My Lord,' Severus said hurriedly. 'I only beg you to spare me Lily Potter. I lover her and I want her Master and you may very well kill both father and child.'
There was an ominous silence from Voldemort for a few minutes and then surprisingly he chuckled, a sound that sent shivers into Snape's spine.
'Father?' Voldemort asked still smiling. 'You want your competition to be gone? You wish me to eliminate Potter for you?'
Snape dared not answer. He looked down passively, his heart thudding in his chest, prepared to take the Avada Kedavra. He thought of Lily and her smile and her green eyes, awaiting his death when Voldemort spoke.
'Very well, Severus. I shall spare her for your sake, even though she is a mudblood and she has not only refused to join me but has defied me openly.'
'Master!' Severus looked up; his black eyes filled with an impossible hope and stuttered. 'Master, this slave does not deserve this kindness and yet My Lord, you have been so merciful. Thank you.'
Voldemort smiled a touch maliciously. 'Try to bring her to our side Severus; after her son and husband are dead of course.' He laughed softly.
'I promise I will, My Lord. I promise that I will make her understand and I will make her serve you.' He said his voice filled with delight. Severus's delight was because Voldemort had agreed to spare Lily and Voldemort was happy too because his action had made Snape the most committed death eater outside the Inner Circle. He smiled at Snape and dismissed him.
Snape left Voldemort and hurried outside. The heavens were pouring down and the wind was whipping his already tangled hair into a horrible mess. Snape, however was unaware of all this. He apparated to Hogsmeade and went to the owl post office and sent a message to Dumbledore.
After sending the owl, Snape went to meet Dumbledore on the hill, to begin his long journey of redemption and remorse.
COMPLETE
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