What About Love?
This isn't a songfic but the title and the italicized portions are from the song 'What About Love?' sung by the band Heart (many years ago now). The song was running through my head and certain parts of it just seemed to lend themselves to this story.ooooooooooooooo
I've been lonely, I've been waiting for you
I'm pretending, and that's all I can do
"So it's over?" she asked, obviously fighting to hold back the tears she was afraid to shed in front of him. "Just like that?"
Just like that ... how could she not understand? It was hardly 'just like that' - he'd thought long and hard before making this decision. He'd known it was going to hurt her but not nearly as much as it hurt him.
It had finally dawned on him what the problem was between him and Kara and why it never seemed to work out even when they appeared to be in the same place at the same time - she didn't care as much as he did. Maybe she loved him but he wasn't even sure about that. She wanted him, she desired him, she found him physically attractive but he really wasn't sure love was a factor anywhere in there. Though she'd said the words once she certainly hadn't acted as though they were true.
Lee on the other hand, felt his heart break at the knowledge that the one person he loved more than life itself was the one person he had to cut out of his life for good before she destroyed his heart beyond repair. It was already a good long way on that road but he hoped to salvage something of it to give to his wife, not the love of his life but the woman he knew he could count on to be there for the rest of his life. Kara couldn't be counted on. She was fickle at best and at the worst ... only interested in satisfying her need for a quick frak, no strings attached, with him.
Well that wasn't what he wanted. He might have been willing to settle for that in the beginning but not anymore. Now he wanted all of her but apparently that was something she wasn't willing to give even when he'd made it plainly clear how he felt about her and what he wanted for them.
You've been hiding, never letting it show
Always trying to keep it under control
The first time he'd told her he loved her it had been a mistake. Not that it wasn't true but that it had come out unawares at the wrong moment. She hadn't taken him seriously and had teased him about it. Though afterwards they'd gone back to their playful banter and flirting it had become obvious over time that her mind and heart were with someone else ... Samuel T. Anders. He'd been crushed and had gone out and found himself someone else to frak in order to ease the pain, knowing that while he couldn't have her, at least he could have someone.
The second time had been much stranger. They were down on New Caprica - her new home - celebrating the fact that humanity had a place to settle and call home at least. She'd already gotten leave from his father to quit the military and move to the planet with Anders but yet that entire day she'd haunted him. She'd been within arms reach of Anders all day but every time he looked at her, she was staring at him, her gaze unfathomable. The way she'd said 'I guess it's just you and me then' later that night had made his heart jump in a way it hadn't in months. She'd looked at him with that 'come frak me' smile and he'd cursed himself, knowing that while he'd committed himself to forgetting her and making a life with Dee, one hint that she wanted him and he'd be at her beck and call.
She had, and he had, and it had been the most wonderful night of his life. Finally the woman he loved was his - she wasn't pulling away like she usually did - and they'd declared their love for one another openly. Only for Kara it had been the liquor and the sexual high that she'd been riding that had spoken. It obviously hadn't been the true feeling in her heart because how could someone say 'I love you' then walk away and marry someone else just a few hours later?
I can't tell you what you're feeling inside
And I can' sell you what you don't want to buy
He'd turned bitter and cynical ... okay, more cynical towards life and though he appeared to have everything, command of his own ship, a beautiful wife, a cylon-free life ... he'd been miserable without Kara. So when she'd returned to Galactica and they'd started working together, seeing each other every day, it had been inevitable that the relationship that he'd severed completely would resurface. The fight had been a catharsis, the start of the healing between them that had continued as the weeks had gone by. Lee had hoped they'd be able to regain the friendship they'd once had before all the feelings got in the way, but though Kara had seemed to want that too, being 'just friends' was something that didn't seem possible for them anymore. 'Frak or fight' he'd once said and it had proved to be true, though in the end it was a fight that led to the frakking ... and the affair had progressed from there.
Four weeks later he was convinced it had to end. Four weeks of feeling more alive than he ever had, but only when he was with her. The rest of the time he was dragging a chain of guilt behind him that was only increasing each day. His wife knew, he could read it in her eyes. Anders knew, he'd come out openly and said so, which had been something that had upped his respect of the man he'd envied ever since he'd found out Kara was devoted to him.
Her marriage was one in name only yet she was holding fast to it, unwilling yet again, to commit to him. All she wanted was a 'good lay' she'd once said to him. There was 'nothing there' between them. He hadn't believed her then. He'd thought she was just scared of what 'they' together would mean. He'd been sure she felt the same way he did and just wasn't willing to admit it.
The love I'm sending ain't making it through to your heart
What about love?
Don't you want someone to care about you?
What about love? I only want to share it with you
Now he knew better. Love was not love that had to be caged and hidden. Love was not love if it was selfish and uncaring about the other person. Love wasn't supposed to hurt.
She didn't love him.
And that was why it had to end. He'd had enough of pretending it didn't matter to him. It did - he needed it to be all or nothing and the fact that she was unwilling to divorce Anders though he was willing to divorce Dee told him it was nothing.
Now it was time to make the break. To leave her behind once and for all and recommit himself to his wife. He might not love Dee the way he loved Kara but at least it didn't hurt. And like all arranged marriages of the past he could learn to love her. At least she was there ...
Something's missing, you've got to look back on your life
You know something here just ain't right
"It's over. Just like that."
fin