Author's pre-rant: This is a pure WTF-fic, its sole purpose is to get whoever's reading it to say WTF? (Preferably out loud). Also it's quite possible that it'll cause some kind of brain damage, so you're all reading this at your own risk.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything of the copyrighted stuff that occurs in this fic. Period.
NGE – Pandemonium
By Ausir
One morning, Shinji Ikari woke up with the mother of all headaches.
'That's it! I'm never gonna let Misato do the cooking ever again! Who knows what kind of strange stuff she puts in that curry…'
Shinji however, being a very cheerful and optimistic young man, didn't pay the live-in coppersmiths occupying his brain much thought.
'Yeah, cause it's gonna get much worse soon enough…'
Ahem… so the teen went through his daily routines which included, among other things, angsting over the futility of his miserable life, being chased out of bed in his shorts by his room-mate Asuka - a girl with a devil's beauty and matching temperament – and after getting soundly beaten up by said firebrand, forced into the kitchen to do what every self-respecting anime-lead would do; make breakfast and hope it will keep the girl from strangling him with her hair.
Shinji points at the above text "Hey, I'm not really that pathetic, am I?"
What the…!? Who the hell gave you permission to break the fourth wall! Author smacks the pilot at the back of his head. Now get back to work!
"Sorry…"
Right, where were we? Oh yeah, that's right, while the domesticated boy continued making the odd mix of Japanese and German breakfast that was routine in the Katsuragi household, the mistress of said household, Misato Katsuragi, dragged herself from her room of empty beer-cans and into the kitchen, wearing whatever clothes she had happened not wear when she fell into last night's beer induced coma.
"G'mornin…" she slurred, shuffling towards the innermost holy – her yebisu-filled fridge – and took out a handful of the cans, opening one as she fell down on her chair.
Gulp, gulp, gulp, gulp…
As the amber-coloured liquor was poured down the purple-head's throat and entered into her system, strange and frightening changes took place, culminating in a sudden and very loud outburst of "Yeeeee-HAAAAAAAA! That's the stuff!"
"You shouldn't be drinking this early in the morning Misato-san" Shinji advised while giving the two women their food.
"My house, my rules, Shin-chan!" chirped the Captain happily, taking another swig.
Asuka, in the midst of wolfing down her breakfast, nodded "Yeah idiot, the faster she gets fat and ugly from drinking that piss the faster I'll be having Kaji-san to myself!"
"How very noble of you to come to my defence, Asuka…"
"Um… by the way…" said Shinji timidly "Do you think I can go get dressed now?"
Misato and Asuka turned to face the third party, who stood on the kitchen floor wearing nothing but his boxers and a deep blush.
"HENTAI!" the German roared. Shinji, who after a few months under Asuka's guidance had become quite able to take a subtle hint, ran for it.
"Gaaah, I'm gonna dieeee!" he screamed, tears flowing freely in mortal fear and legs moving at a pace that would have made an Olympic runner jealous.
Burping after yet another can, Misato called after the two teens "Hey Asuka, don't hurt him too much, he's got some pretty good stuff there!"
Finally reaching the relative and highly temporary safety of his room, Shinji proceeded with lifting his bed and blocked the door with it (it is a widely known phenomena that people acquire superhuman strength when faced with impending doom). Naturally, Asuka only gave enough pause to start raining kicks and fists on the stubborn door that dared to oppose her high and mighty self by refusing her entry.
"Oi, oi, Asuka, if I didn't know you I'd say you were acting really desperate…" Misato joked from the kitchen, opening her umpteenth 'starter-beer' and gulping it down happily.
"You dirty old woman, what're you implying?!" Asuka retorted furiously, adding more force to her besieging of the last stronghold of Shinji-land (the home of the meek and land of the craven). Meanwhile, the leader of this doomed country and incidentally also it's sole occupant, was fully under way with putting on his school-uniform and planning a daring escape ("She'll never catch me alive!").
"Hey, who's an old woman!" the Captain objected loudly "Anyways, you're the one trying to break into his room!"
"There's gonna be a lot more breaking around here if I've got anything to do with it!"
With that, the Teutonic terror blew off her Nazi Sturmfuhrer's Punch into the door, the force from it burning a hole through not just the door but the bed as well. This happened just in time for Asuka to see her prey on his way to jump out the window (after all, a broken leg beats a broken neck – not to mention a crushed chest and amputated limbs, which was likely among the things Asuka had in store for him).
Not all too surprisingly, Asuka went absolutely ballistic, shouting after him "You spineless coward, come back here and take it like a man!"
"No thanks!" Shinji cried back and took the leap.
Taking a step back and lifting her right leg, Asuka yelled "You're not getting away!" and let off her Valkyrie's Flaming Kick which blasted the door and bed through the small room and crashing out the wall on the other side, catching up the fleeing teen in the process, ironically giving him a huge head-start with the rocket-force of speed it possessed (though the landing would be anything but pleasant).
"You bastard, get back here I tell you!" roared the red lioness from the edge of the ruined room.
'I don't think I could even if I wanted to…' thought Shinji while he clung to his trashed bed as it travelled through the airspace of Tokyo-3.
Stomping her foot in irritation, Asuka plunged into her room, fetching her gun and hunter's outfit before returning to Shinji's room, jumping through the great tear in the wall and down to the pavement below. Adjusting her pith hat and cocking the gun she then ran off after the flying furniture and its cargo.
oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo
"Stop that, it's silly!" demanded the moustached UN-officer. He was promptly shot by Gendo.
The bearded man put his gun away. "You'd think they'd learn after the first seven or eight times…" he said to his right hand, which was currently wearing a Mr Socky doll.
"Right you are, Sir!" answered the doll in a high-pitch version of the Commander's own voice. Gendo smiled.
"Oh, Mr Socky, you're the only one who understands me…"
"Commander, we have a situation!" Ritsuko called out as she barged inside the office, stopping dead as she noticed the puppet, "Um…?"
Gendo pushed his glasses back up. "Yes, doctor Akagi, what is it?" he asked.
Ritsuko quickly snapped out of the shock-spell and activated the mega-screen plasma-TV that Gendo had insisted on installing because 'all the other bad guys have one'. On the outrageously expensive screen now played a recap of the Third child's rather interesting morning, from the Author's initial rant to the point where Shinji acquired his incredible flying bed. Gendo watched the whole thing without as much as a flinch, but Ritsuko had to turn away a few times to keep her brain from evaporating.
When the credits began to roll - listing mostly Section 2 agents among random sound effects like puri-puri, buri-buri and furi-kuri – Akagi switched off the mega screen with an ill-contained shudder, before turning back to the Commander.
"Well?" she asked when he didn't move so much as a muscle, though thankfully he had removed that damn-silly puppet.
"Well what, doctor?" Gendo responded, pushing up his glasses.
"The Second child is going to kill him!" the blonde yelled "Aren't you the least bit concerned?"
"There is no reason to be concerned, the scenario is unaltered" spoke the Gendo, again pushing up his tinted glasses of DOOM. Ritsuko's left eye spasmed.
"We still don't know the identity of the Fourth or Fifth children, Sir" she said slowly, while taking deep, calming breaths.
"The scenario is unaltered" repeated the Commander, pushing up his glasses.
'Sweet non-existing gods, how many times does he plan to do that!' Ritsuko felt an irresistible urge to punch her employer right in those annoying shades of his, but was (sadly) able to remain in control of herself.
Meanwhile, Gendo was enjoying the sight of doctor Akagi's heaving bosom as she was now breathing vigorously to keep her cool.
'Ooooh, Baby!'
oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo
Oddly enough, Shinji landed with his bed just outside the school gates, where he was met by his two friends, Kensuke and Touji, who were completely unfazed by witnessing crashing furniture.
Touji waved a hand in front of Shinji's spiralling eyes "Yo, Sensei, wazzap?"
"Grblgrbl…" Shinji managed, trying to focus his vision.
Kensuke nodded matter-of-factly "Yeah Shinji you're absolutely right, Gundam Seed is indeed much better…" With that the two stooges helped their third member up by various means among which could be found friendly kicks in the ass and buckets of icy-cold water.
Having done this for about five minutes, their friend finally started to become his old depressive self again.
"You know, when you say it like that, don't you think it would have been better to just leave him be?"
Hmm, maybe you're… Hey waidaminute! Were you just breaking the Wall?!
The two stooges exchanged glances.
"Um… no?" Touji said carefully.
Ok, just checking. Anyways, Shinji pretty much returned to normal – a life-long phobia of seagulls and a small scar shaped like Norway his only marks after the incident. Standing up on still somewhat unsteady legs, he addressed his friends.
"?pu s'tahw ,syug yeH"
Oops, looks like he had a minor concussion or something... Author whacks Shinji on the dome. There, feel any better?
Shinji looks dazed for a second, before nodding "Um, yeah, thanks dude."
No problem, on with the story it is then.
"Hey guys, what's up?"
Touji pocketed his hands and looked bored, "Meh, nuthin much really, saw a dog get eaten by one of them mutant squirrels that's been runnin about ever since NERV got permission to dump their waste into the lake."
"Yeah nothing interesting ever happens 'round here" Kensuke agreed.
"Step away from the wimp and I might hurt you less!" suddenly boomed a threatening voice that made all three stooges jump two feet into the air, and a suspicious dark spot to appear on Touji's pants.
"A-a-a-asuka!" stammered Shinji, who now stood face to face with Asuka and her 1873 Winchester. Being stupid enough to grow a backbone at the least suitable times, the pilot of Eva 01 stuttered, "C-come on Asuka, you c-can't still be mad about this morning…"
Taking aim as she walked closer to the now sweating boy, the German red-head replied "What are you, an idiot? I'm mad 'cause you forgot our lunches again!"
"B-but how do you expect me to make lunches when you're trying to kill me!"
"No excuses!" with that, Asuka pressed the trigger.
BANG!
When the smoke cleared, Shinji was still standing, a tiny wisp of smoke rising from the empty crater of his shirt-neck. Kensuke and Touji both screamed in horror, "GAAAAH, SHE SHOT HIS HEAD OFF!"
Just then, Shinji's head popped back up, letting out a sigh of relief. "Man, for a second there I thought she actually got me," then he noticed Asuka was quite busily re-loading her gun, and darted away towards the school building, with the stark mad red-head quick on his tail, still working on her gun. The remaining two stooges followed at a safe distance, not willing to miss out on a good show.
Minutes later, chaos and discord reigned in the school corridors as one brown-haired pilot was being chased down by the Great Hunter Asuka, who had replaced her Winchester with an automatic gun that allowed her to keep firing while running after her prey. Indeed, things did not look good for the pilot of unit 01.
Shinji ran past a set of posters saying 'Shinji-hunting Season' and rounded a corner which seconds later became blasted into oblivion by force of Asuka's endless supply of ammo. Continuing his mad dash, the brown-haired boy jumped inside the closest bathroom. Unfortunately, it was the girl's bathroom. Even more unfortunately, there were quite a few girls inside.
"Ecchi!" WHACK!
"Hentai!" SMACK!
"Baka!" SLAP!
"S-sorry, I didn't-!"
"Shinji-kuuun! Come out, come out wherever you are!"
Suddenly the bathroom door exploded inwards, the sheer power of the impact throwing the boy into the opposite wall, creating a Shinji-shaped dent in it. Once he came to, he beheld Asuka standing in the opening with a bazooka armed and ready.
"Say 'Mama'" she said with a demented smirk.
"Mama!" Shinji cried, just as the rocket-launcher went off and fired its load, a smoking cylinder of doom soaring against him. Ducking, the teen narrowly avoided being blown to pieces, the wall with his impression taking the hit, blowing out into the adjacent hallway.
"Sheisse!" Asuka cursed and threw the bazooka away, just as her victim emerged from a pile of rubble.
"Cough, cough man, what was that all about…cough." Looking up, he instantly wished that he had stayed under the detritus.
"Hello, Shinji-kun!" chirped Asuka, standing over him and pointing a revolver at her co-pilot.
"Goodbye, Asuka!" exclaimed Shinji and flew between his assailant's legs, taking a running start, with Asuka still in hot pursuit.
Outside, Kensuke and Touji were sitting in a comfy sofa they had nicked from one of the clubs, and each with their own bag of popcorn, watching the crazy hell that took place inside the school.
"Man, is this good or what!" Touji said appreciatively, taking a mouth-full of popcorn as the student council's room went up in flames.
Kensuke wistfully wiped away a tear "Yeah, I just wish my camera wasn't on repair today, this is soooo cool…"
Back inside Asuka had finally cornered the elusive Shinji Ikari and was busy contemplating wither to use the Magnum or the revolver, while Shinji had begun scribbling down his last will and testament on a stray piece of origami he found under his shoe. Just when Asuka had decided for the Magnum and Shinji had willed away everything he ever owned to Pen-pen, then the bell rang.
The wild German lowered her gun. "Damn, I guess I'll have to kill you later…" she said disappointedly and walked away to class, leaving Shinji in a state that made him look like a piece of Jell-O.
oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo
In class, everything was pretty normal. The aging teacher was largely ignored by his students, who found it far more educating to chat on their computers or booby-trapping the classroom. Shinji was in fact the only one who actually tried to keep up with the sensei's oblivious ranting, not because he felt any special need to study, but because he didn't have anyone to chat with (Kensuke and Touji were both busy visiting some suspicious internet-site or another) and wasn't devious enough to think of anything even remotely trap-like.
That was when his computer suddenly came to life, the miniature icon of Eva Shogouki announcing in its chibi voice "You've got a message!".
'Huh? That's weird…' he thought and took some thirty seconds to ponder the possibility of the message being a hoax, a system error or just a figment of his imagination. Finally deciding it was, in fact, real, the young pilot wasted no more time and clicked on the tiny jumping Eva 01.
The message was simple enough, it read;
//I heard Sohryu honestly tried to kill you this morning, is that true?//
Shinji blinked, several times. He wasn't all that surprised over that someone knew of the red-head's attempt on his life (Heck, considering the property damage and number of injured bystanders, it'd probably be on the 5 o'clock news); instead he was quite confused by the tone of the short message. It sounded… concerned, something Shinji wasn't all too familiar with how to handle, although his run-away-instinct was desperately calling for attention.
Ignoring the voice for the time being, the young pilot turned in his seat in an attempt to find out who might have sent the letter. Finding none, he returned to the screen and after a while typed //Yes//, then sat for about ten minutes awaiting a response. None came. Shinji couldn't help but sigh.
'The story of my life I guess…' he thought glumly and sunk into his daily depression cycle. That's why he didn't so much as notice what happened next.
SWAT!
"The fuck…?" growled Asuka as she felt something land on her head. After a bit of searching her hand found a wet, pea-sized ball entangled in her fiery hair, "Ewwww, gross!" she called out, proceeding with scanning the classroom for the sticky projectile's origins.
Unable to find it among the generally innocent-looking (in Asuka's words idiotic) faces of her peers, the German settled with letting this slight pass for just this once. A small black cloud was in that instance born just inches above her head. Seconds later a second wet blob made contact with her hair.
Standing up in her furious glory, Asuka bellowed "Alright, whoever the wanker is that's doing that should stop right now or there's gonna be murder!"
The whole class stared at her, and the cloud that had now reached adolescence with lightning-pimples shooting out all over. The teacher had awoken from his lecture/trance, and now adjusted his spectacles and frowned slightly. "Miss Sohryu, what seems to be the problem?" he asked.
"Some fucker is spitting on me!" she barked.
The sensei nodded, "Uh-huh, then maybe you want to go outside so that won't be able to happen?" he suggested with a quirked brow.
"Damn straigh- hey, waidaminute!" Asuka yelled, and then stomped outside, her full-grown monsoon happily following its mistress.
At her seat by the window, a certain Rei Ayanami crooked her lips into a small grin as she quietly put away a striped straw and a piece of torn paper.
oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo
Back at the apartment, Misato had now drunken so much bear that she was absolutely convinced that she was smarter than Ritsuko (and anyone else for that matter) and was going to prove this by creating the worlds first bento-catapult, with the enlisted aid of her trusted lieutenant, Pen-pen.
"Alright, let's see what this baby can do!" she exclaimed energetically, making some slight alteration to the relationship of the fork attached to the panties located to the general left on the thingamajig.
Pen-pen saluted, saying "Wark!" and took hold on the vibrating lever with both flippers.
"Countdown; three… two… one… fire!"
Pen-pen pulled the lever and the catapult sent away two bento-boxes in hearted wrappings in a wide arch towards Tokyo-3 high school. Watching the boxes disappear the purple-head smiled brightly and turned to her pet.
"Can you just imagine their surprise when they find out that I've been making them?" Pen-pen sweat-dropped.
'Y'know, I just think I might…'
oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo
By the time the lunch-bell sounded, Shinji had hoped against hope that Asuka would have forgotten about her missing lunch – obviously not taking into account that seeing two-hundred other kids eat would be a rather strong hint. Soon realising his mistake however, he took to flight.
"Oh no you don't!" Asuka called out and grabbed his shirt, causing Shinji to run a few laps in midair, screaming bloody murder (Say, you think that guy's an ESPer or something?).
However, Shinji was saved yet again from having his heart carved out and eaten by his hungry room-mate, by means of a heavy box making contact with his forehead at a speed of approx. 100miles/h, knocking him unconscious. Asuka's bento landed neatly in her open hands.
"Yay, my lunch!" she cheered, and went off to eat with her friend(s), completely ignoring the fallen boy, who lay dazed with blood standing in a tall fountain from a hole in his head, creating a deep red pool around him.
"Ikari-kun, are you well?" asked a quiet voice. Shinji looked up to see the living ice-sculpture Rei looming over him, with fake wings and a halo making her look like some mutated sparrow. Someone had also thought it funny to place a 20 Terawatts spotlight behind her.
Here the author made pause to ponder this fic and its possible effect on his immortal soul. Remembering he had none of the sort, rendering the damage negligible, he took a swig out off his Coke and resumed typing, unaware of the tiny devil that sat grinning on his left shoulder.
"Uh, I think I'll be okay," said the teen, and tried to stand up but slipped on his own blood and thus plunged back down. After a few more unsuccessful attempts, Shinji opted for staying on the floor for a while. Rei just nodded, making her plastic halo wobble.
"Say, Ayanami, what's with the getup?" asked Shinji and gestured vaguely at the wings.
"I've been picked to play the part of Gabriel in this year's Christmas play."
"Um, Ayanami, you do know this is Japan right? We only celebrate Christmas to spend and earn a lot of money."
"There is a first for everything."
"And it's in the middle of June…"
"…"
"…"
"…excuse me" Rei said and promptly left. Shinji blinked as his internal hamster-wheel spun around to process the information. Eventually the poor hamster died from a cardiac arrest.
'Hey, Ayanami just talked to me! Is this going to turn into one of those sappy fanfics with a lot of pink and fluff in the end and where I finally get some? Woohoo!'
Oh boy, I almost feel sorry for the kid. Almost.
Just then Asuka jumped out of a passing plothole and grabbed Shinji in a very painful headlock, getting blood all over her seifuku. "Hey, baka, what'cha slacking off for, there's an Angel attack!"
"What, I haven't heard anything!"
Suddenly the Angel alarm went off, accompanied by the calm female voice directing the general populace to their shelters. Naturally, everyone of the general populace took place on their roof-tops to get a better view of the upcoming ass-kicking.
"See, now get your lazy ass going!" the volatile witch ordered the spineless coward with an encouraging kick to the rear. While they made their way off to NERV - Shinji kickin' n' screamin' - the plothole from whence Asuka had emerged swallowed Shinji's abandoned lunchbox. Passing through into the next dimension, it gave a loud belch.
oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo
Moments later all three Evas had been manned and were on their way to the surface. Asuka had wanted to take her new pet (the black cloud) with her in the plug, but Misato had ordered her to leave it behind. Once they emerged through the shafts, the pilots were met with the most horrifying Angel yet, the pink and fluffy ball of gigantic proportions that was Jigglypuff.
Eva 01 points its enormous finger at the Author "Hey, when I said pink and fluffy this wasn't what I meant!"
Oi, oi easy there, at least your actually gonna get some.
"Really?" Shinji asks, eyes sparkling with impossible joy.
Yep, although not in the way you think.
"Huh?"
Then suddenly Jigglypuff charges, after getting really pissed off from not being the centre of the attention it craves. Its mile-long mike high in the air, the petite abomination mauls all three Eva units, after which it releases a weapon that should have been banned by the Geneva-convention.
o/- JI-IGGLY-Y-PUFF, JIGGLY-Y-Y-Y-PUFF o/-
"Noooo, please make it stop!" Asuka howled in agony, a sound which quite possibly rivals that of the Jiggly-song "It's so horribly out of tune! Mommy, help meeeeee!"
Shinji and Rei however were not in the least affected. This was due to Shinji having his SDAT with him, the sound of Emo music drowning out everything else, and Rei, well… let's just say that if you can get used to hearing Gendo singing in the shower (don't ask, unless you want to end up like Asuka…), then you'll survive just about anything.
Thus the Dynamic Duo launched their counterattack on a very surprised orb of living cotton-candy, bringing out their prog knifes to attack the Angel with. Seeing the sharp and pointy objects coming at it at high velocity, Jigglypuff resorted to its last line of defence, The Sad Puppy-dog Eyes. Rei's Eva stopped her blade in mid-air, while the girl became reduced to a sobbing ball, wailing about how she couldn't kill anything that cute.
Shinji's Eva however didn't stop. Now don't think this was because Shinji isn't a wuss, 'cause he is. And it wasn't because he knew the continued existence of mankind depended on him defeating the angel. No, plain and simple, his SDAT had short-circuited in the LCL, causing Shogouki to go stark raving mad while its pilot marvelled at the white spots appearing in his vision.
Seeing the raging purple demon darting towards it, the Angel activated its AT-field. Yet, Eva01 suddenly tripped over a large truck – which Shinji could have sworn wasn't there a minute ago – and fell head first, its horn piercing through the At-field and penetrating Jigglypuff's fluffy armour.
With a loud POP, the Angel disappeared. And there was much rejoicing.
oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo
In the late evening, when everything was supposed to have settled down in the Katsuragi residence (apart from Pen-pen playing a game of chess with Asuka's storm cloud) the Author suddenly remembered the headache from the beginning of the fic and which everyone's already forgotten. Thus, due to the internal hammering of his cranium – which had by no means grown less during the events of the day - Shinji went to the bathroom in search of some painkillers, and found in the mirror an odd bony protuberance sticking out of his forehead.
'What the…?! That's been there the whole time?' Shinji asked himself, stealing a murderous glance at the Author who firmly ignored him.
Shinji poked at the thing, gasping as it twitched a little. 'This is just too weird… so how come I'm not surprised?'
Suddenly the bathroom was lighted by a blinding flash and Shinji felt a pain in his head like it was trying to give birth to a hippo. Subconsciously grabbing the awkward appendage, which strangely felt like it had grown larger, the boy began to pull at it, increasing the pain for a moment but feeling infinitely relieved when something actually came out of his skull, taking the headache with it.
Now standing in Misato's bathroom, in his boxers, Shinji held in his hands a blue, quite expensive looking electric guitar. With a string.
Shinji mindlessly pondered the situation for a while, occasionally looking down at the rather cool instrument in his hands. Then his brain began forming coherent thought once more, and the first words that occurred to him were; "Um… okay?"
oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo
To be continued?
I just did this fic on a whim, so I'm not sure I'll do anymore chapters, although just I case I made it open for continuation. Also, it should probably be noted that I watched FLCL just before writing this fic, which kinda explains a lot, don'tcha think? Anyways, please review!