Yesterday... Today (Sequel to Tomorrow... Tonight)
by Aki Midori
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Yaoi, Angst
autumn_wind04@yahoo.com
A/N:
This is the sequel for 'Tomorrow... Tonight'. I guess you'd have to read that if you want Kaede's POV before he died. But even if you didn't, I think you could still understand this fic.
DisClaIMers: Yesterday, I didn't own Slam Dunk. Today, I still don't. Drats.
------------------------------
Yesterday... Today
(Sendoh's POV)
Yesterday, you stopped breathing.
Yesterday, I came back for you, only to find out that you were dying.
Yesterday, your heart stopped beating. You ceased to exist.
Yesterday, I died with you.
Wait... No. I died long before that. I died the moment I turned my back on you. I died the moment I told you that I didn't love you anymore.
It was a lie, Kaede.
I never stopped loving you.
I hated myself more than anything in the world. You know why? Because I'm such a weakling. I couldn't even stand up to my own father. I couldn't even fight for you... for us. Did I ever say no to him? No. Did I ever tell him that I don't want to marry his bestfriend's daughter because I love you? No. Did I even do a single thing to save our relationship? No.
I just bowed my head and told my father that yes, I'll marry his bestfriend's daughter, so that our company would be stronger. So that our status in society will improve. So that we'll make more money.
I didn't even do a single thing to uphold the promise that I gave you...
That we'll always be together, no matter what happens. That I won't let anybody tear us apart.
Yeah right. I'm such an asshole.
For three damn years, I stayed with her. Each moment is a living hell not only for me, but for her as well. She loves me, of that, I am certain, but she knew that my heart could never belong to her. We stayed together, lived under the same roof, slept on the same bed, performed our marital functions, but never did our hearts meet. I was slowly dying inside. I couldn't breathe anymore. I felt my life slipping away right in front of my eyes.
Every day is a routine. I wake up, take a bath, eat breakfast, dress up, go to the office, work, work, work, go home, walk the dog, eat dinner, and finally, go to sleep. If I allow myself the luxury, I would go to a beach and lie down there and look at the sky. And the thought that you're under the same sky gives me some comfort.
I would allow myself to think of you. Your deep, blue eyes, your tousled hair, your pale, pale skin, and your red, red lips. I could easily picture you in my mind. I would reach out to your image, and imagine that I was tracing the contours of your face, and you would hold my hand and lean your face to it even more.
And then when the cruel wind blows, it would take your image away with it. And then I would hug myself right there in the sand and cry and cry and cry.
I would cry for my lost love. I would cry for my lost life. I would cry for the mess I'm in. I would cry because I hate myself so much. I would cry because I know, that somewhere, in a little apartment, you're crying, too.
I can never defy my father. He always controlled me. It was as if he owned my life. I tried to get away from him, but being the weakling that I am, I would come back. I would come back when my mom would say that my father had a heart attack, or that my father needs me, that I'm the only hope of the family, that I'm important to our business, or this or that or this or that or this or that...
Bullshit!
I never had my own life. The only time I felt free and alive was when I'm with you. And look what I did. I left you out in the cold. I hate myself so much that I neve even wanted to look at the mirror. Each time I did, I would shatter it into a million pieces. I've come to hate that dull, lifeless person I see in the mirror.
Heh... he doesn't deserve to live.
We came back here in Kanagawa, my wife and I. I never wanted to, because I know It would only hurt you and me if we saw each other. My father insisted. My father, my father, my father. Shit. And when one day, I saw you on a park, under a cherry blossom tree, alone and miserable, my heart broke even more. I saw the pain in your eyes, Kaede, and I started to curse myself again and again. I wanted to hold you, run to you, take you in my arms and kiss you, but my wife was right at my side. You saw us, Kaede, did you remember that? And when you did, your eyes widened in surprise. When I saw pain flash through your eyes, I knew then that I must have been the greatest jackass on earth. Your eyes turned cold before you gave me a brief nod of acknowledgement and stood up and walked away.
I nearly cried at the spot. I never saw you again after that, small as Kanagawa may seem.
Ne, Kaede... are you happy now? Are you alone? Who's with you? Where are you now? Do you need company? Do you miss me? Do you still love me?
I didn't even have the chance to talk to you before you died. There were so many things I wanted to tell you.
Kaede, I left them all! One morning, I was so sick of the life that I have, that I barged into my father's office and told him that I don't care what the fuck he wants to do in his life anymore. I told him that there's only one person I could love, and that is you. I told him that he can go screw his fucking business because I'm leaving. I can't sacrifice my life for him.
That same morning, I talked to my wife and told her that our superficial relationship won't work. I told her that I love you and only you, and that I'm going back to you whether she likes it or not. I filed for a divorce.
That same morning, I became alive again.
That same morning, I looked everywhere for you.
That same morning, I found out through a friend that you were involved in an accident a two weeks ago, and that you were in a coma, and that you're dying.
That same morning I ran towards the hospital, found your friends watching over you, and saw your battered, lifeless body.
Yesterday, I wanted to tell you that I'm sorry.
Yesterday, I wanted to tell you that if you'd have me back, we'll start a new life.
Yesterday, I thought that I was alive again, because I have a new hope.
But yesterday, you stopped breathing.
You died right in my arms. Right after I told you that I still love you. I could only hug you tight as I felt my chest tighten. I couldn't breathe. I rocked you back and forth. My chest felt so tight. There was a huge lump in my throat. You're dead, you're dead, you're dead, I was thinking.
And then with all the pain, the sorrow, and anguish inside me, I howled your name.
Yesterday, you were still alive when I arrived, but you died in my arms.
Yesterday, you ceased to exist.
Yesterday, I died again.
*********************************
Today.
Today is yesterday's tomorrow. Today, I'll follow you.
One last look at the world, and I'll be off.
They were lowering your body to that huge chamber. They're going to have your body cremated, just like you wanted it to be. Afterwards, I know that they'll throw your ashes to the sea. You'd like that, won't you? You'd like to stay in a place where you can flow forever. So you can live forever.
Your friends are crying. They all are. They must have been very good friends who stayed with you until the very end. Such good friends you have. That's nice. Someone took care of you when I was away.
Sakuragi-kun... He hates me from the bottom of his heart. I don't blame him. I hate myself, too. He's crying silently, but his shoulders were shaking violently. Thank you, Sakuragi-kun, for letting me say good-bye to Kaede's body one last time.
Kaede, in a little while, I'll go follow you. For the mean time, I watched as flames licked your body. They creeped around, like gods, like demons, swallowing you whole, engulfing you. I could feel those flames, Kaede. I could feel them slowly burning my heart.
No more.
I took my leave and walked out of the crematorium. I walked around Kanagawa, just watching how life goes by. Life goes on. The world continued to spin on its axis, as if it wouldn't matter if two battered souls left it. I walked and walked and walked, until my feet brought me to that same place where we met after three years of being apart.
I sat under the sakura tree, and calmly took out my handgun. For the last time, I painted your picture in the wind...
That deep blue eyes...
That tousled hair...
That pale, pale face...
That red, red lips...
And you are smiling down at me.
You were reaching out your hand.
I took it.
The wind blew, and once again, it carried away your image. I didn't mind this time, though, because I knew that I'd see you real soon. What do you know... I'll be able to keep my promise after all. We *will* be together, Kaede. Just wait.
Now... how to die? Where to shoot?
I pointed the gun at where it hurt the most. Not my head. Certainly not my mouth. Not my stomach. Nothing hurts, except my heart. Maybe if I shot that part, the pain would die.
The gun was cold against my heart.
And then I saw your face again.
Yesterday, I told you I love you.
Yesterday, you stopped breathing.
Today, I'll follow you.
Sayonara, Otousan.
Ai shiteru, Kaede.
*Bang!*
*********
o.wa.ri
*********
March 2003
revised 18 October 2003
by Aki Midori
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Yaoi, Angst
autumn_wind04@yahoo.com
A/N:
This is the sequel for 'Tomorrow... Tonight'. I guess you'd have to read that if you want Kaede's POV before he died. But even if you didn't, I think you could still understand this fic.
DisClaIMers: Yesterday, I didn't own Slam Dunk. Today, I still don't. Drats.
------------------------------
Yesterday... Today
(Sendoh's POV)
Yesterday, you stopped breathing.
Yesterday, I came back for you, only to find out that you were dying.
Yesterday, your heart stopped beating. You ceased to exist.
Yesterday, I died with you.
Wait... No. I died long before that. I died the moment I turned my back on you. I died the moment I told you that I didn't love you anymore.
It was a lie, Kaede.
I never stopped loving you.
I hated myself more than anything in the world. You know why? Because I'm such a weakling. I couldn't even stand up to my own father. I couldn't even fight for you... for us. Did I ever say no to him? No. Did I ever tell him that I don't want to marry his bestfriend's daughter because I love you? No. Did I even do a single thing to save our relationship? No.
I just bowed my head and told my father that yes, I'll marry his bestfriend's daughter, so that our company would be stronger. So that our status in society will improve. So that we'll make more money.
I didn't even do a single thing to uphold the promise that I gave you...
That we'll always be together, no matter what happens. That I won't let anybody tear us apart.
Yeah right. I'm such an asshole.
For three damn years, I stayed with her. Each moment is a living hell not only for me, but for her as well. She loves me, of that, I am certain, but she knew that my heart could never belong to her. We stayed together, lived under the same roof, slept on the same bed, performed our marital functions, but never did our hearts meet. I was slowly dying inside. I couldn't breathe anymore. I felt my life slipping away right in front of my eyes.
Every day is a routine. I wake up, take a bath, eat breakfast, dress up, go to the office, work, work, work, go home, walk the dog, eat dinner, and finally, go to sleep. If I allow myself the luxury, I would go to a beach and lie down there and look at the sky. And the thought that you're under the same sky gives me some comfort.
I would allow myself to think of you. Your deep, blue eyes, your tousled hair, your pale, pale skin, and your red, red lips. I could easily picture you in my mind. I would reach out to your image, and imagine that I was tracing the contours of your face, and you would hold my hand and lean your face to it even more.
And then when the cruel wind blows, it would take your image away with it. And then I would hug myself right there in the sand and cry and cry and cry.
I would cry for my lost love. I would cry for my lost life. I would cry for the mess I'm in. I would cry because I hate myself so much. I would cry because I know, that somewhere, in a little apartment, you're crying, too.
I can never defy my father. He always controlled me. It was as if he owned my life. I tried to get away from him, but being the weakling that I am, I would come back. I would come back when my mom would say that my father had a heart attack, or that my father needs me, that I'm the only hope of the family, that I'm important to our business, or this or that or this or that or this or that...
Bullshit!
I never had my own life. The only time I felt free and alive was when I'm with you. And look what I did. I left you out in the cold. I hate myself so much that I neve even wanted to look at the mirror. Each time I did, I would shatter it into a million pieces. I've come to hate that dull, lifeless person I see in the mirror.
Heh... he doesn't deserve to live.
We came back here in Kanagawa, my wife and I. I never wanted to, because I know It would only hurt you and me if we saw each other. My father insisted. My father, my father, my father. Shit. And when one day, I saw you on a park, under a cherry blossom tree, alone and miserable, my heart broke even more. I saw the pain in your eyes, Kaede, and I started to curse myself again and again. I wanted to hold you, run to you, take you in my arms and kiss you, but my wife was right at my side. You saw us, Kaede, did you remember that? And when you did, your eyes widened in surprise. When I saw pain flash through your eyes, I knew then that I must have been the greatest jackass on earth. Your eyes turned cold before you gave me a brief nod of acknowledgement and stood up and walked away.
I nearly cried at the spot. I never saw you again after that, small as Kanagawa may seem.
Ne, Kaede... are you happy now? Are you alone? Who's with you? Where are you now? Do you need company? Do you miss me? Do you still love me?
I didn't even have the chance to talk to you before you died. There were so many things I wanted to tell you.
Kaede, I left them all! One morning, I was so sick of the life that I have, that I barged into my father's office and told him that I don't care what the fuck he wants to do in his life anymore. I told him that there's only one person I could love, and that is you. I told him that he can go screw his fucking business because I'm leaving. I can't sacrifice my life for him.
That same morning, I talked to my wife and told her that our superficial relationship won't work. I told her that I love you and only you, and that I'm going back to you whether she likes it or not. I filed for a divorce.
That same morning, I became alive again.
That same morning, I looked everywhere for you.
That same morning, I found out through a friend that you were involved in an accident a two weeks ago, and that you were in a coma, and that you're dying.
That same morning I ran towards the hospital, found your friends watching over you, and saw your battered, lifeless body.
Yesterday, I wanted to tell you that I'm sorry.
Yesterday, I wanted to tell you that if you'd have me back, we'll start a new life.
Yesterday, I thought that I was alive again, because I have a new hope.
But yesterday, you stopped breathing.
You died right in my arms. Right after I told you that I still love you. I could only hug you tight as I felt my chest tighten. I couldn't breathe. I rocked you back and forth. My chest felt so tight. There was a huge lump in my throat. You're dead, you're dead, you're dead, I was thinking.
And then with all the pain, the sorrow, and anguish inside me, I howled your name.
Yesterday, you were still alive when I arrived, but you died in my arms.
Yesterday, you ceased to exist.
Yesterday, I died again.
*********************************
Today.
Today is yesterday's tomorrow. Today, I'll follow you.
One last look at the world, and I'll be off.
They were lowering your body to that huge chamber. They're going to have your body cremated, just like you wanted it to be. Afterwards, I know that they'll throw your ashes to the sea. You'd like that, won't you? You'd like to stay in a place where you can flow forever. So you can live forever.
Your friends are crying. They all are. They must have been very good friends who stayed with you until the very end. Such good friends you have. That's nice. Someone took care of you when I was away.
Sakuragi-kun... He hates me from the bottom of his heart. I don't blame him. I hate myself, too. He's crying silently, but his shoulders were shaking violently. Thank you, Sakuragi-kun, for letting me say good-bye to Kaede's body one last time.
Kaede, in a little while, I'll go follow you. For the mean time, I watched as flames licked your body. They creeped around, like gods, like demons, swallowing you whole, engulfing you. I could feel those flames, Kaede. I could feel them slowly burning my heart.
No more.
I took my leave and walked out of the crematorium. I walked around Kanagawa, just watching how life goes by. Life goes on. The world continued to spin on its axis, as if it wouldn't matter if two battered souls left it. I walked and walked and walked, until my feet brought me to that same place where we met after three years of being apart.
I sat under the sakura tree, and calmly took out my handgun. For the last time, I painted your picture in the wind...
That deep blue eyes...
That tousled hair...
That pale, pale face...
That red, red lips...
And you are smiling down at me.
You were reaching out your hand.
I took it.
The wind blew, and once again, it carried away your image. I didn't mind this time, though, because I knew that I'd see you real soon. What do you know... I'll be able to keep my promise after all. We *will* be together, Kaede. Just wait.
Now... how to die? Where to shoot?
I pointed the gun at where it hurt the most. Not my head. Certainly not my mouth. Not my stomach. Nothing hurts, except my heart. Maybe if I shot that part, the pain would die.
The gun was cold against my heart.
And then I saw your face again.
Yesterday, I told you I love you.
Yesterday, you stopped breathing.
Today, I'll follow you.
Sayonara, Otousan.
Ai shiteru, Kaede.
*Bang!*
*********
o.wa.ri
*********
March 2003
revised 18 October 2003