What were we smoking

What were we smoking???

Written by: Magus II, Kami-San, and Awesome Taro

Part One

The Madness of Everyone (except Barty Crouch)

(Note: None of us own Harry Potter. So don't sue us. But if you are going to sue us, at least review our story.)

An ordinary day in Hogwarts. An incomplete sentence. An annoying co-author being picky about everything and not giving his co-authors any artistic license at all. Two co-authors going completely off-topic with their private power struggles and totally forgetting why they are in my house on my computer anyway.

Anyway...

It was an ordinary day at the Hogwarts castle. Thank you, that's much better.

START AGAIN...

It was a completely ordinary day at the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, which is located in scenic Britain; complete with Forbidden Forest, large body of water (merpeople and giant squid included), and stationed within walking distance of Hogsmeade, the only all-wizard settlement in the country...

QUIT WITH THE SALES PITCH AND BEGIN THE STORY ALREADY!

Maybe it would be easier if we did this in script/screenplay form...

KAMI-SAN: No, this is much more difficult.

MAGUS II: And more confusing.

AWESOME TARO: HARDER ON THE EYES, TOO... BACK TO THE NARRATIVE FORM!

Um... Awesome? You left the Caps Lock on.

OOPS.

Moving on...

START AGAIN...

Turn off the capitals!

FINE.

It was a lovely day at the Hogwarts castle. Deep in study, Hermione shut her Arithmancy book and sighed heavily. I can't believe I pulled another all-nighter... She thought to herself, massaging her temples with her eyes shut.


Her school books lay open on the table, and as she looked at the Arithmancy book again, she decided to rest her eyes for a moment. She was soon fast asleep in front of the warm common room fire. She dreamed that the rest of the year went by in a flash and that she was taking a final exam in Ancient Runes. This lovely dream was concluded when she was awoken abruptly ten minutes later. Fred and George came running into the common room, panting and wheezing. Between deep breaths, they managed to inform Hermione that she had missed the Transfiguration final, to be taken out on the grounds, and that Professor McGonagall was furious. Hermione, her wits still cloudy from her sleepless study session, believed their story without question. She rushed out of the portrait hole, her eyes sleepy and bloodshot. As soon as she was out of earshot, Fred and George doubled up with laughter.

Hermione couldn't believe her bad luck. She'd only just fallen asleep, and now she'd missed the Transfiguration exam... Why hadn't someone woken her up? She hurried toward the entrance hall and pulled open the front door.

A well-aimed snowball hit her bag and knocked it to the floor. Too groggy to think hard about it, she bent over to pick it up, but she heard a voice say, "Accio! " and her bag flew out of the door. She looked up to see who had Summoned it, but all she could see was the dazzling white of new-fallen snow. She rushed out and began telling whoever it was off for taking her bag and making her miss her exam.

"Hermione, what are you talking about?" As Hermione's eyes adjusted to the bright light, she heard Harry's voice questioning her.

"I've missed the Transfiguration exam! Fred and George just told me!"

"We just sent Fred and George up to get you to come down here." Harry said.

"But... what about the exam?" Hermione's eyes had almost adjusted completely to the light.

"Hermione... It's the middle of February." Ron said. "You haven't missed any exams. Did you stay up all night doing homework again?"

"Well, I... Well, smart guy, if it's not exams, then what day is it?" She said indignantly.

"Hermione, it's your birthday."

Hermione's eyes had now completely adjusted to the light, and she could see an enormous, moving banner that said, "Happy Birthday, Hermione." Hermione could see all of the Gryffindor fifth-years, and Hagrid holding a humongous cake with white and green icing on it, spelling out, "Happy 15th Birthday, Hermione!" A table with a pile of presents had been erected, onto which Hagrid placed the cake.

"Oh, thanks so much, everyone!" Hermione said. The party ensued; after everyone ate cake, helped Hermione open her presents, and consumed an amazing amount of butterbeer, Hermione, Harry and Ron went for a walk around the lake. As the reached the far side, farthest from the castle, they heard noises from the Forbidden Forest to their right. They backed away quickly. After no weird monster appeared, they moved closer to investigate. As they did so, Draco Malfoy stepped out of the shadows, flanked as always by Crabbe and Goyle.

"Happy Birthday, Mudblood," he sneered. Harry and Ron reached for their wands. Crabbe and Goyle flexed menacingly.

Hold on, hold on. As if this isn't familiar. This has happened at least twenty times during the course of the Harry Potter series, hasn't it?

Hey, work with me here! At least the "Happy Birthday, Mudblood" line was original!

Some originality. Just get on with it.

Draco Malfoy smirked at the three Gryffindors. He gestured to Crabbe and Goyle, who stepped back reluctantly.


"I don't need you two for this," he said. He slowly drew out his wand. Harry, Ron, and Hermione all pulled out theirs to match his.

"Expelliarmus!"

"Petrificus Totalus!"

"Expecto Patronum!"

The spells erupted into the air. Draco Malfoy was covered in a cloud of smoke and trampled by a white stag.

"Harry, why in the world did you use that spell?" Hermione stared at him.

"Well, I thought he was a dementor!" Harry exclaimed.

"The face probably fooled you," Ron remarked. His triumphant grin was vanquished, however, when the smoke cleared, and Malfoy still stood untouched. Smirking, he pointed his wand at Hermione and said, "Incendius!"

A ring of fire encircled Harry, Ron, and Hermione. Draco smirked again, and cast another spell.

"Animeus Mixidus!"

"Malfoy, you idiot! Lupin told us that there was no telling what that spell would do!" Ron yelled.

"Well, then, I guess you'll just have to keep on your toes for a while," he said. He, Crabbe and Goyle disappeared back into the forest as Harry and Ron countered the Incendius charm. Hermione looked around her with a touch of paranoia.

"Hermione, what exactly does that spell do?" Ron asked, afraid of the answer.

"I don't know! Isn't that what I just said?"

"....."

Harry, Ron, and Hermione walked quickly back to the castle. When they got there, however, they were totally amazed at what they saw.

Oh, come on. Like that is not a cheesy line!

Hey, gimme a break.

Write something else! That sounds like they've been, like, totally transported to California!

Fine. Scratch that last sentence.

When they got there, however, they were totally amazed at what they saw.

Nothing out of the ordinary struck them as they walked back to their common room. They resumed their lives as they had been before, and Harry and Ron gave Hermione their presents; Harry, a book entitled Spells for the Overachiever; Ron, a copy of Prefects Who Gained Power. Hermione glared at him.

"Why would I want this?" She demanded.

"I just remembered that we saw Percy reading it in that shop in Diagon Alley a couple of years go," Ron said. "And, hey, you're a prefect, so I figured it'd be fun…"

Fred and George came down from the seventh-year dormitory, still chuckling to themselves. Hermione glared at them, and they only apologized to her when she threatened to hit them both with an Anhumorous Curse, which would make them unable to laugh for hours.

Hermione played Ron a game of wizard chess, and (against the advice of his wise-talking queen) he let Hermione win. Happy with her victory, Hermione retired, yawning, to the girl's dorm. Harry and Ron played some Exploding Snap and then went to bed as well. Draco Malfoy's curse had been completely forgotten.