It wasn't much of a question as it was an accusation. How could you be so blind, Theodora, to be so close to a monster and never realize it?
She felt her associates' heavy stares at her, waiting for a reply. She avoided looking back at any of them, not wanting to see the disappointment or the pity. She focused on the tea cooling inside her cup.
Did she ever see the signs?
Theodora remembered well the old house where she grew up with her brothers. Their mother had always been out of the picture. Their father was a recruiter. He brought the children to the old house before sending them away to an academy or to a guardian. A couple of them stayed, and were trained alongside the three Marksons.
She remembered well as if it had been just yesterday the day her father brought that girl. The girl had been so scared, like all kids were at first. She was about Theodora's age. She was quiet, she was shy, she was beautiful.
Theodora remembered how hard it had been to approach the girl. She kept to herself most of the time. She seemed to not like being there. Maybe she missed home, maybe she missed her family. Many kids did, but Theodora's father always said that in time they learned to appreciate their new family. He always said the whole organization was their family.
She wished the girl would share the room with her and the other girls, but she had her own, away from the other kids. It was silly, but Theodora remembered she eventually got mad at how the girl didn't even give them a chance. She wanted so badly for the two of them to be friends. They could be just like the girls in books, sharing secrets and gossips, wearing matching outfits and painting each other's nails, and talking about boys (though boys their age were gross and boys her brothers' age were even worse). Instead, the girl would only want the company of her books.
It didn't happen as she imagined it, but as the years passed Theodora managed to get a sort of friendship with the girl. She had a beautiful deep voice, and though she rarely showed a full smile, she had a way of raising the corners of her lips just slightly that made Theodora feel the world getting brighter. She treasured it, because the girl never did it in front of anyone else.
The girl had learned Latin on her own and talked about things Theodora never fully understood, about crimes and justice and long words that sounded important. Theodora couldn't help but wonder why she was still in that old house when she could be in any big city learning about those things from the best.
They moved from there on the same day, as they finished their training together. Theodora remembers well that time. The first time she saw the girl really happy was after they moved to the City, the girl not much a girl anymore, already a young woman.
Theodora got to see sides of her that she never showed back in the old house, and started looking at her in ways she could never have looked back then as she now knew a lot more about herself as well.
She fell in love, or maybe she had always been in love. She watched the quiet girl become a bold woman and an outstanding volunteer, and it made her so happy, so proud. Partnering with her for missions was always a pleasure, getting to spend time with her outside of work was even better.
Her brothers say her feelings blinded her. Theodora disagrees. She knows the woman she dated for so many years. Even then she was mysterious, she never talked about the home where she was born and didn't like talking about the home where they grew up together. She was not a passionate lover, someone to go to candlelit dinners and bath in rose petals with, but she was a comfortable company.
Theodora was aware that someone could lie and pretend, but it was hard to imagine someone could be able to fake the level of care and intimacy her lover and she had. Not physical intimacy, but emotional intimacy. The woman saved Theodora's life multiple times. She heard her rantings. She never hid that the recruitment process made her feel uncomfortable, though she never explained fully why. She showed Theodora both her intense and vulnerable sides.
Until that fateful day when Theodora learned of the fire that destroyed her old home. Her father died, the children that lived there disappeared. Her brothers were each in a different part of the country, so the only person she could turn to for comfort was her girlfriend.
The woman received the news with visible coldness. She didn't fake any sadness or sympathy, or even surprise. Between tears and sobs, Theodora asked what she knew. She didn't answer. Theodora insisted. She gave a vague answer, still ice cold. Theodora doesn't remember anymore what else she asked, or what answers she received, for nothing else mattered after the woman said the following words.
"He got what he deserved."
Theodora is sure she is not in denial, as denial was what she did when she heard that. She couldn't have heard it well, that couldn't mean what she thought it meant. She probably shouted something, a "He raised you!" or "He treated you as if you were his own daughter!".
"If that's how he treated his daughter then you should be thankful I did it!"
Theodora felt in shock. That couldn't be. She had never seen or heard so much hatred. She was at a loss. Was her girlfriend a traitor?
There must have been a lot more shouting, and at some point, Theodora was in tears.
"I am done with this, S! I am done with this organization taking and taking everything from me, and never giving me anything in exchange!"
What about noblety? What about the greater good?
"Who are them to say what the greater good is?"
Theodora couldn't recognize her anymore. She was being incredibly selfish.
"They are selfish. They call us volunteers, but has anyone ever asked us if we wanted this? Has anyone ever asked us what we wanted?"
The woman was now in tears as well.
"I've never wanted this, S. I've never wanted this life. But they took away from me any chance I could have of having something different!"
And from sad, she grew cold again.
"They took everything from me. I am getting it all back, one way or another."
She was mad! Theodora must have said so, because she gave a chilling chuckle and took her lighter from her pocket. For the first time, Theodora was afraid of her.
She opened the lid. Fire. It was a tool, just like any other, but it was a very fast and destructive one. It was what took Theodora's father's life. No, his life was taken by the woman holding the lighter.
"I am not alone. This is spreading like wildfire." She chuckled again at her own choice of words.
"Come with me, S. You know you can do better than the shitty jobs they give you."
She offered the lighter to Theodora, but only after what could as well have been an eternity she refused it.
"I love you, S. I want the best for you and I know it's not here."
How could she know that?
Theodora cried for days. She didn't want to talk to anyone, not even her brothers. But when the time came, she didn't try to cover her now ex-lover's words, though she never told anyone about their full conversation.
Didn't you ever see the signs? Didn't you ever realize, Theodora, what was happening right under your nose?
She didn't. If she did, maybe she could have done something to prevent the tragedies that followed. But she didn't. She was too blind, and now she paid the price.