A/N: This is another one-shot that I wrote. I know it's completely different from my other one-shot but I had to do it. I typed it up at around 3 a.m. so please be gracious with your reviews. Thank You! Enjoy. BTW my intentions are by no means meant to discriminate or be harmful towards anyone.
WARNING: Rated M for Cutting/Suicide.
Disclaimer: I do not own Stephenie Meyer's characters, no matter how much I wish I did. ^_^
"I dream in darkness, I sleep to die
Erase the silence, erase my life
Our burning ashes blacken the day
A world of nothingness blow me away."
-Sweet Sacrifice by Evanescence-
BPOV:
Today was the day. When the last bell rung, signaling the end of the school day, I slowly stood up from my seat and collected all of my belongings cramming them into my book bag. Like every day, ever since Edward left me, all of my fellow classmates intentionally ignored me. They all knew that I was no longer who I used to be but a void shell of who that person once was.
He left me because he didn't love me anymore and yet I still loved him with all of my being, unfortunately that just wasn't enough for him. I trudged gradually through the rain and as a result ended up being drenched by the time I reached my truck. I drove the ten minute drive towards home as the same thought that had been running thought my mind all day ran through my mind once again, today was the day.
After I parked my old, red truck in the driveway and turned the engine off, I sat staring at the outside world for a few minutes. The sky was much darker than usual, as if it knew of what I was planning to do and the heavy, grey, looming clouds were somehow mysterious. When I did leave the warm shelter of my car, I went straight inside and realized that in some way the house seemed colder. It was also eerily quiet because Charlie was working the afternoon shift at the station, which would leave me alone in the house for several hours; plenty of time. I let out a small sigh. I would miss Charlie but I knew I had to do this. As soon as I had closed the front door, I went directly upstairs to my bedroom, without even considering eating something (not that I would need it any longer anyway).
Once I was inside of my room I shrugged out of my wet jacket and carelessly threw it to the floor. I leisurely gazed around my room. Everything seemed 'normal,' tidy and in place. My bed was made up, my dresser drawers were clean, everything else was mostly in my closet and my computer (though old) was still in its usual place on the little simple wooden desk. No ordinary person would have thought that a disheartened and despondent person occupied it.
I could still hear the rain pelt the window as I walked toward my twin sized bed and bent down onto my knees so that I could reach underneath and grab the small box, which ultimately held my demise. As I stood up, I become conscious of the fact that beginning today I would no longer hurt. I would not let myself hurt any longer. With me leaving puddles in every step I took, I went into the small bathroom.
I turned around after closing the bathroom door and briefly caught a glimpse of my reflection. I no longer looked like the Bella from four months ago but a new horrendous version of myself. I was still sopping wet and my hair was soaked so that it lay straight against my back and stuck to the sides of my face. My cheeks were faintly hollowed in and my eyes had dark purplish bruises underneath in consequence of exhaustion and lack of sleep. My eyes which Edward had once told me were a bright chocolate brown and full of life were now dull and emotionless. There was indeed a reason why I hardly ever looked into a mirror anymore.
I turned away and sat down on the cold tiled floor with my knees underneath me and shivered from the low temperature as I stared at the small dark blue box. I was going to do what deep down I'd always wanted to do ever since the love of my life decided that what I had to offer wasn't sufficient but I also knew that if I loved Edward the way I did then I would want him to be happy no matter who it was that makes him that way, that being said it didn't necessarily mean I had to live knowing that I had lost the most important person to me.
With that thought in mind, I opened the box and pulled out one of the things that had kept me sane up to this day. I lifted my sleeve up from my upper left arm up until the crease at my elbow and aimlessly glanced at the previous scars that marked my arm. They were all lined up going horizontally up my inner arm. Some of the markings were larger than others. Some were darker, meaning that they had been deeper than others. I could still remember the first time that I had done it to myself. It was a Saturday about three and a half months ago.
*~*FLASHBACK*~*
The entire house was silent except for the broadcasting of the baseball game on the television downstairs. Charlie had fallen asleep on the couch again after we had dinner. I was upstairs in the bathroom, (which I'm in now) and I was rifling through the cabinets when I came across a new set of plain razors that were all the way in the back.
They were small and rectangular with an extremely sharp edge. I was involuntarily mesmerized by them as I tentatively ran the tip of my right index finger across the edge and I flinched as a tiny bead of blood poured out of the wound. I mechanically closed the door and sat down on the lid of the toilet as I lifted my sleeve and made a lined horizontal laceration on the middle of my inner left arm.
I didn't really think too much about the fact that I was intentionally hurting myself. The only thing that I could concentrate on was the fact that for those few minutes I no longer felt my broken heart tear even further into little pieces. Instead I felt a tingling sensation running throughout my body as the adrenaline pumped in my veins and through my arteries. The best way to describe the way I felt was to say that I felt high and exhilarated. Blood was making its own trail down my arm but I quickly alleviated that by grabbing a wash cloth and placing it onto my incision.
*~*END OF FLASHBACK*~*
That was the first time that I discovered that when I was in some kind of physical pain, I couldn't concentrate on my emotional pain. The small dose of bodily ache was to me a small price to pay for those few minutes of since then, I'd been addicted to doing it several times in one day.
I hurt myself today,
To see if I'd still feel.
I focus on the pain,
The only thing that's real.
The needle tears a hole;
The old familiar sting;
Try to kill it all away,
But I remember everything.
They were incisions only meant to distract me on days when my pain became too much to bear but today was different. Other times when I cut myself they were to a certain degree of deepness so that I could feel relief but also so that it wasn't dangerous, but today was the day, I concluded as I determinedly lifted the sharp razor and lightly pressed it just above my left wrist. I was far too damaged to heal. In my mind I could see Edward's beautiful and pure face.
What have I become,
My sweetest friend?
Everyone I know,
Goes away in the end.
You could have it all,
My empire of dirt.
I will let you down,
I will make you hurt.
I placed more pressure on the razor and slowly yet deliberately dragged it across my fragile skin as I let the euphoria that came with it consume me. I let out a huge breath that I had been holding in and my eye lids drooped as I slumped against the wall and began to feel the familiar rush of a sort of ecstasy run though my veins. The pleasurable feeling went from the tips of my fingers to the top of my head. I dropped the razor next to me and let the pleasure take over my all too willing body as a small tear fell down my cheek. The thrill always made me feel like I was on cloud nine even though the reason I did it at all was because I was miserable and broken inside.
I wear this crown of shit,
Upon my liar's chair,
Full of broken thoughts,
I cannot repair.
Beneath the stains of time,
The feelings disappear.
You are someone else,
I am still right here.
I could feel the thick red substance trail down into my palm and through the crevices between my fingers. From the amount of warm blood that I could feel running down, I could tell that the cut I had made was the last one I was ever going to make. The blood pounded in my ears as well as the last beats of my heart and yet I could still hear the thunder and the restless rain outside striking the roof and the window. It was all a sort of frightening and addicting symphony that my body and the Earth were composing in my last few moments of life.
What have I become,
My sweetest friend?
Everyone I know,
Goes away in the end.
And you could have it all,
My empire of dirt,
I will let you down,
I will make you hurt.
Edward's handsome face remained ingrained in my mind as I slowly became numb to my surroundings and I let the darkness gradually consume me when I heard the door fly open as it hit the opposite wall, but I could no longer make my limbs move from their frozen position to see who it was that barged in, not that I wanted to anyway, nor did it matter.
If I could start again,
A million miles away,
I would keep myself,
I would find a way.
"BELLA! NO!," a velvety yet rough and marred voice roared as my body surrendered and my eyes finally closed shut. I was far too gone to even comprehend if I had actually heard him or not.
Whether it was real or just my final lingering thoughts, it was the last thing I heard as I fell into the infinitely dark abyss, where there is no pain, no suffering.
Yes, today was the day.
A/N: Please review! I don't usually write stories because I'm not much of a writer but your feedback would be awesome. Thanks! o_O
The song used is "Hurt" by Nine Inch Nails.
Oh! I almost forgot. I did change my pen-name because I realized that most of my other accounts go by 'rockgirl2011.'