Solar Flare

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Summary: Ultimately Bella and Jacob didn't have the time to build their relationship. Bella didn't have time to become a person who could love Jacob with all of her heart, who could build a human life. But what if she had had that time. The thing about being human is that you can grow and change, can become. What if Bella had? How would it have changed her future, Jacob's, even Edward's?

A familiar theme but hopefully an interesting take

Part 1 of a three-part trilogy, extending into the post Breaking Dawn timeline.

Prologue: Paris on the Sun

Wait, I wanted to say. Just a minute. But I was still locked in place, listening to the echo of Edward's voice in my head. (New Moon 377)

The storm-cooled air was a relief, even as chilled to the bone as I already was.

"Jacob." I wanted to apologize, I wanted to be able to give him what he wanted, what he deserved. He'd given me more than I thought possible. But I couldn't say more than his name.

"Bella, I meant what I said" Jacob met my eyes and I felt that pull again. The pull to take away his pain. Why couldn't this one thing be simple? This one solace for my ripped up heart. "It's fine. Don't worry, don't feel guilty. I know, I know even without you telling me." He looked away. "Now get inside and get warm. And no more cliff diving without adult supervision. I'm officially calling it. Saving from drowning makes me older than you."

I laughed once, painfully, and hoped it only sounded hysterical to myself. I'd really almost died, almost killed myself with my own need to see and hear my beloved. I'd panicked Jacob while he tried to protect me, while Harry Clearwater was dying, while the other werewolves, most of them younger than me were risking their lives.

But could I live without hearing him. Without having hope of hearing him? The hole in my chest ached, even in Jacob's diluting presence.

I kissed his cheek, trying to seem like I wasn't just chickening out of really kissing him.

"I'll try, Jake." He smelled clean and like Jacob, while I still smelled like seawater and probably sweat, from falling asleep next to Jacob's furnace of body heat.

I got out of the car and tried not to shiver. I didn't want to make the choice I was going to make.

I didn't believe I could love anyone as I'd loved Edward. I didn't want to let go of Edward. I would never forget Edward. I loved the Cullen family still as my own.

But they were gone. And I couldn't follow. I'd never had a chance of following,.

Jacob wouldn't leave, would stay the just human enough supernatural creature that he was, and stay with me. He loved me.

I didn't know if I could love him. I did love him, in so many ways. He was beautiful, funny, my own sunshine, now a far to cavalier protector. He made me feel alive, whole, sometimes. But when I knew how I'd loved Edward…it didn't seem like enough.

Still…And no voice interrupted this time. Maybe even my hallucinations knew when to give up on advice and just let me muddle through.

I love you Edward. I will always love you.

I opened the door of the car again.

"Bella, what's wrong?"

"I'll try Jacob"

I stomped down on my thoughts as hard as I could.

I kissed him. My Paris, maybe. My Jacob.

For 2 seconds I kissed his warm, soft, oh so different mouth, then ran into the house slammed the door and managed to catch myself on the coat rack as I slipped on the hall rug.

I didn't know whether to cry or laugh. I felt dizzy.

Coward.

I expected Jacob to be pounding on the door any second.

I was terrified of it.

But of course, he knew me much too well and I heard the car door click quietly, from where I waited fearfully behind the door, and then nothing.

It didn't make me feel much better.

Vicious vampire, hunting me so she could torture me to death. Check

Dearest (and almost only) friend and more in the world risking his life hunting vampires. Check.

Father hunting werewolves while there were dangerous vampires around. Check.

Love of life gone, and considering possibly ruining the only thing that made my life a life anymore by making a go at a sure to be disastrous relationship? Forcing all that remained of love out of my hollowed out chest for a person I truly loved, if not in exactly the right way?

It was a sign, I think, of how far gone I'd really become that this last item suddenly seemed like the biggest of my problems.

Well, look on the bright side. I thought sarcastically to myself (probably also a bad sign for my remaining sanity). Maybe you'll be brutally murdered tonight, and not have to think about your love life anymore.

Quickly to distract myself from the threat of looming death I had once again brought to the forefront of my mind I went to the kitchen to see about making dinner for Charlie. Who knew when he would be home, but he would need to eat, and it was all I could really do for him, with one of his best friends dead. And I needed to eat too, though the soreness in my throat protested the thought and I poured another glass of water for myself.

Then, restless and trying desperately not to think about Jacob, my best friend who I'd just kissed and then run away from. I cleaned the kitchen. I was getting to work on the living room and thinking about the bathroom when I heard Charlie's pulling up the drive. I ran to the door and out to him as he trudged up the walk looking worn, tired, and old. I hugged him around the middle as tight as I could.

"I'm sorry about Harry, Dad."

"I'm really going to miss him," Charlie mumbled.

"How's Sue doing?"

"She seems dazed, like she hasn't grasped it yet."(NM 393-394)

After dinner, Charlie went up to bed, and I followed, exhausted from almost drowning, and from too many worries.

I tried picturing a small Edward moment (Edward waiting by his car for me), and fell asleep holding myself together.

But I dreamed about Jacob's warm hands pushing water out of my lungs. His warm mouth. His light that was more than the sun. And fire floating on water.