Disclaimer: I don't own anything & wrote this for fun.
Warning: Rated M for not-terribly-graphic sex
A/N: I'm new here! How nice to find such a rich library of good stuff to read. :) Thanks for clicking on this little experiment, I hope you like it.
My brothers are my first priority. My only priority.
There was a time when that wasn't so true. I don't mind being in charge and wouldn't trade it for anything except having mom and dad here again, but a while back I got really frustrated and worn down. I'm pretty sure Sodapop already knew it and Pony would find out soon enough: chocolate cake is about the mildest vice a person can have when it comes to grownup weaknesses. I didn't have time for a girlfriend, but I wanted certain benefits of having one anyway. Besides, Two-Bit had stolen all my dirty magazines and I didn't exactly want 'em back.
I asked Tim if he knew of anyone I could see with no strings attached, and without admitting whether he'd ever paid for it himself, he gave me the number of a girl over in Sand Springs. I thought about it for a few days and then went ahead with it; I felt nervous enough to collapse on the drive over, but it all went okay in the end. Better than okay, actually. It was like I'd finally earned a little bit of happiness and relief.
I started seeing her a couple times a month, and it always started the same: we'd have a beer in her living room, and she'd sit on my lap in a faded silk robe that was frayed on one edge. We'd talk about our real lives, and when the bottles were empty, we went to bed. She seemed to like me - most times she gave me a lot more time and attention than I paid for, and towards the end she kept saying we should get dinner or drinks together. Maybe I was younger or better looking than her other "boyfriends" - I tried not to think about it because the idea of her with anyone else made my chest feel tight, but I always found an excuse not to. I wasn't ashamed of her, it's that dinner sounded an awful lot like a relationship I didn't have time for, and I maybe was scared to care about her more than I already did. She patiently listened to all the stories of my family and sympathized with kind eyes and warm hands, and our arrangement was a nice secret I thought about when I was dead tired from work and couldn't see a way out. I really didn't plan on my life being that way but I was doing the best I knew how.
Everything changed the night we did something new. Things progressed as they always did, but after I'd nudged her legs apart and sank inside with a groan, she said, "Darry. Don't move."
"Huh?" I said, confused. Wasn't that the whole point?
"Just hold still," she said, and wrapped her arms and legs around me. With our bodies clamped together, she whispered all kinds of stuff in my ear. That I'm handsome and strong. That I have a good heart, and that she loved me. She said my name over and over, and I closed my eyes and felt myself get harder even when it seemed I couldn't. When you're around guys all the time, a woman's voice takes on a power you can't believe, and hearing my name at close range like that was like nothing I'd ever felt. For ten minutes we lay still and tense with her breath in my ear, and when she said I could move, we both came so hard the neighbors must've heard us. I cried afterwards, and she was sweet and tried to hold me but I felt so raw I threw all my money on the bureau and ran out.
I don't know where the tears came from. Even now I haven't figured it out.
My instinct was to head home, where I was greeted with a wall of talk. "Darry!" Soda said. "Where you been? I went by your roof job but the guys said you left early. Do you think we're millionaires or somethin'? Where'd you get to, anyway? Another thing is I meant to ask if you wanna watch me and Stevie play doubles pool tonight. Seems like we hardly see you anymore, so you should come. Oh, and some lady called for you but I said you weren't here." Then Ponyboy appeared in a stained t-shirt, complaining about the disappearance of a stray cat he'd been giving half our household's milk to. He also claimed to be starving and asked what I planned to cook for dinner.
Wrong as it was, I found their buzz irritating and stated firmly that I'd like five goddamn minutes to myself if they didn't mind. "Gee, Darry. Sorry," Soda apologized, and Ponyboy backed up looking scared. I was sorry as soon as I'd said it, and found the quiet of my bedroom to be of no comfort at all.
Since a lot of bad's been compressed into my life I often have a hard time recognizing the good in things, and there wasn't a shred to be found in the mess I'd made. I had no business snapping at my brothers, but what bothered me most made me sit down and hide my face. I'd never considered what mom and dad would have thought of me. They'd have been horrified by what I'd spent money on, money that should've been saved for college, for Ponyboy. I made a tearful, silent promise to every person in my family that from then on, I'd be Soda's pool hall chaperone and Pony's chef and whatever else they needed. I would stop thinking of myself. I'd be good.
Maybe when Pony graduates I'll find some light on the horizon and start to build my life back up again. I don't deserve happiness yet, though...I'm still trying to figure out how I manage to hurt every single person that I love.
Selfishness ties the worst knots, and those two boys are my life now. I haven't got room for anything else.