I'm Not Going To Die

Harry was getting ready to go face Voldemort. No one else was coming to help him, despite the numerous promises to do so by Ron, Hermione, Ginny, and even Dudley. He put on his million-galleon coat of armor. Hermione thought he ought to just keep that well polished in a display case somewhere, but what did she know? She wasn't very smart, after all. Ron, however, had the right idea.

"It was donated to him for battle, Hermione," he said. "Harry's a public figure, as crazy as it sounds. How would it look if he didn't wear it? And besides," he added, "If he dies, at least he's gotten one good use out of the thing."

"All the same," Hermione answered, "I think it will slow him down quite a bit when he's trying to dodge curses and jinxes and bullets and—oh, whatever else he's trying to dodge!"

"Aww, come on," Harry said. "You think a powerful evil maniacal sorcerer like Voldemort—I'm saying the name, sticking it to the man!—would carry around a gun?" He and Ron laughed hysterically.

"Harry," Ron choked out, "What is a gun, exactly?" Everyone, which was really just Harry, since Ron had stopped and Hermione didn't think it was funny at all, stopped laughing. Hermione kindly explained to Ron what a gun was. Ron paled.

"He's got a gun? You should be careful Harry."

"HE DOESN'T HAVE A GUN!" Harry exclaimed, rolling his eyes. His friends could be so obnoxious.

"Really, though, Harry," Hermione put in nervously, "I don't think you should wear that thing. You've never worn any armor, I hear it's quite heavy, and Quidditch really doesn't require much athleticism…I don't think you can handle it."

"Of course I can, I'm famous!" Harry told her. He stood up, but the weight was too much for him, and he promptly fell down. "Had a little too much to drink earlier is all," he amended.

"You were drinking?" Hermione asked suspiciously.

"Yeah, Seamus had a little end-of-the-world party earlier, and I went. If I don't deserve to party about now, no one does, right?"
"You were drinking?" Ron asked.

"Yeah, Seamus had a little end-of-the-world party earlier, and I went. If I don't deserve to party about now, no one does, right?"

"Déjà vu…" Hermione said. "Majorly."

"Well, why didn't you invite me?" Ron asked, insulted.

"But Harry, really, you're the world's last hope, and you're about to walk into battle drunk and unable to stand because of the way-to-heavy armor you stubbornly insist on wearing!"

"Hey," Ron said brightly, "If he dies, at least he'll have had that experience. My brother Fred said everyone should have that feeling at least once in their life."

"Oh, Fred said it, that makes me feel sooo much better," said Hermione.

"Really? It didn't help me," Ron said, confused.

"I was being sarcastic, Ronald," Hermione said, rolling her eyes.

"What I don't get," Harry said, irked, "Is why everyone keeps saying I'm going to die. I'm not going to die. I'm famous."

Hermione looked at him and shook her head, sighing. Then she muttered under her breath, "Some hope of the world. We're all going to die."

"What was that?"

"Nothing."

"Okeydokey, then," Harry said. "Well, I'm off to save the world.

"Harry!" cried Ginny and Cho, racing into the locker room.

"Hey, this is a boys' locker room," Harry complained.

"Well, she's in here," Ginny said, pointing at Hermione.

"Your point is…?"

"Harry," Hermione said, "I'm not a guy."

"Sure you are, you just need a hair cut."

"No," she said, shaking her head. "No, just because I'm one of the guys, that doesn't make me a guy."

"It doesn't?" Ron asked? "Damn, that's how I convinced myself to get over you. If you're not I have to have a huge crush on you again. Please, can't you be a guy?"

"Uh…no, not really…" Hermione said, with an odd look on her face.

"Yeah, sure you can," Ginny said.

"Doctors can do that now," Cho added.

"But I'm not a guy," Hermione reminded them.

"Not yet," Cho corrected her.

"Not ever."

"Whatever. On to the matter at hand," Ginny said.

"This isn't the matter at hand?" Ron asked, looking puzzled. But really, he didn't, because he always looked puzzled. Right now, he looked no more puzzled than usual, so none of them really noticed that he looked puzzled. Are you puzzled? Good.

"Harry," Ginny said, "I have something to tell you."

"What?"

"I… I love you."

"No one's ever said that to me before."

"Harry," Cho said, "I have something to tell you."

"What, can't you see we're about to have a sappy romantic moment?" Harry asked, annoyed at Cho.

"But, I love you."

"No one's ever said that to me before, Cho." Harry had been about to kiss Ginny, but now he moved over and started to kiss Cho. Ginny protested.

"Hey, I just said that! I said it to you before! I beated her! I win!" Cho stuck out her tongue.

"No, sorry Ginny, but you said 'I I love you', not 'I love you.' Cho wins."

"What? It's the same thing!"

"Is not."

"Is so!"

"Obviously not," Hermione said. "But Harry, before you have a sappy romantic moment with Cho, uh, I have something to tell you."

"What, already!" Harry complained.

"Don't worry, you'll like this. No one's ever said it to you before."

"Oh, okay." Harry pulled out some parchment and a quill and a bottle of ink from his coat of armor.

"Uh, you have all that in your armor?" she asked. "That's just going to weigh you down more."

"Is that what you wanted to say?" he asked. "Because I have actually heard that, I think."

"If you were going word for word, no you haven't," Hermione said.

"Eh, no need to be exact," Harry said shrugging.

"Hey!" Ginny exclaimed.

"You're taking this whole me and Harry thing pretty hard, aren't you?" Cho asked her.

"Um, yeah, I guess so. I just lost the love of my life to another girl because she said one less letter than me. Can you blame me?"

"No, not really," Cho said. She didn't look very sympathetic. "So, are you going to stalk him now?"

"Yeah, probably, assuming he doesn't die."

"I'm not going to die," Harry said. "I'm famous."

"Hey," Ron said to Ginny. "If you wrote a song with those as the words, you could be a one man emo band."

"One girl," Ginny corrected. "Not one man."

"I thought you were a guy," he said, puzzled.

"No that's Hermione."

"Oh, right."

"I'm not a guy!"

"Not yet."

"Not ever!"

"Hey, if you a quill and ink and parchment in that armor," Ron put in, "Do you by any chance have some chocolate frogs?"

"No, but I have Bertie Botts," Harry told him.

"Okay, cool." Hermione just shook her head.

"Um, can we get back to the matter at hand?" she asked.

"Hey, it's funny. Most people only say that when there's a big love confession coming up next. But that would be kind of weird, since Hermione's a guy and all."

"Why do we keep having this conversation? I'm not a guy!" Hermione insisted.

"Not yet," Cho corrected.

"Not ever!"

"Harry, can we get back to kissing?" Cho said, sounding rather bored. "After all, if you die, I'll never have kissed you."

"I'm not going to die," Harry said. "I'm famous."

"Whatever, let's kiss anyway," Cho said, waving him off.

"No wait," Hermione cut in.

"What is it with you?" Cho asked with annoyance.

"What's with me?" Hermione repeated. "What's with me is that I'm in love with Harry." She turned to him. "Harry, I love you. I always have, and I always will. I love you more than them two combined."

"Oh, sorry Cho," Harry said, pushing her away and walking over to Hermione. "Hers was better."

"But she used lots of words in her confession! More than me!" Ginny complained.

"Yeah," Harry said. "The quantity of words is not what's important. It's the love behind them." Ginny slumped down into a corner.

"This sucks," she muttered. "That cheesy line should have been used on me. Actually, that line sucked. It shouldn't have been used at all." She sighed. "I almost wish I was Harry. Then I wouldn't have to worry about losing the love of my life, because I would be about to die anyway."

"EMO!" Ron said. No one paid any attention.

"I'm not going to die," Harry said. "I'm famous." No one paid any attention to him either.

"Not if you don't wear your armor," Hermione told him.

"Should I take it off?" he asked.

"You won't," said Hermione, sighing, "I know you won't."

"I would for you," he said. "Anything for you."

"Another bad line," Ginny complained from her dark corner with cobwebs in it. "So cliché."

"Actually, you look hot in it. I don't care if you die, leave it on," Hermione said.

"I guess I should be offended that you don't care if I die, but I'm not because I'm not going to die. I'm famous."

"Hey," Ron said, looking at the clock. What time is the Final Battle scheduled for?"

"I think eleven, why?" Harry asked.

"It's ten till, that's all."

"Oh, crap! I have to go!" Harry said. He slowly made his way towards the door.

"Harry!" Hermione and Ginny and Cho all called.

"Yeah?" he responded.

"If you die," they all began in synch.

"I'm not going to die. I'm famous."

"But if you do," they continued, still in perfect unison. "I love you!"

"I love you too," Harry said, not really sure who it was he was talking to.

"One more thing!" Ginny called.

"I'm going to be late," he said.

"It's important," Cho assured him.

"If you don't die," Hermione said. "You have to choose for real."

"I'm not going to die. And I already chose Hermione," Harry said, puzzled.

"Well, all three of us decided that time didn't count," Ginny said, speaking for Hermione and Cho as well as herself.

"Actually, they decided," Hermione said. "Not me."

"Well, it was a vote! Majority rules in America!" Cho said.

"But this is England," Hermione said.

"That is what we like to call an insignificant detail," Ginny said.

"Anyway," Cho said loudly. "We decided that time didn't count, since you changed your mind so much."

"Oh, okay. While I'm trying to outrun Voldmort's curses and jinxes, I'll keep that in the back of my mind," Harry said sarcastically.

"Great!" Ginny said. "Let us know when you come back."

"And Harry?" Ron said.

"You better not be confessing love," Ginny said.

"Wouldn't that be weird? I'm a guy," Ron said.

"So? Hermione is too," Cho said.

"I'm not a guy!"

"Not yet," Cho said.

"Not ever," Hermione insisted.

"Well, I'm not in love with Harry. I just wanted to tell him the Bertie Botts Beans he gave me are stale, so if I get a stomachache and he doesn't die, I'm suing him."

"I'm not going to die," Harry said. "I'm famous."

"Right, sure," Ron answered. "Anyways, if you don't die, I'm suing you."

"And if you go to jail," Ginny said. "None of us will want to date you. And this is all assuming you don't die."

"I'm not going to die."

"We know. You're not going to die, you're famous," Hermione said.

"I knew you were smart," Harry said, smiling at her. "Okay, now I really have to go. Voldemort will be wondering where I am."

"Okay, bye," everyone said. And they kindly pretended not to notice when he kept falling down in his armor.

"So," Voldemort said as Harry stepped onto the field formerly used for Hogwarts Quidditch matches. "We meet again."

"Yes."

"Why are you wearing that armor? What do you think I'll have, a gun?" he asked.

"Actually, I'm wearing it because my girlfriend told me to," Harry said.

"Oh, who did you pick by the way? I'm a totally Harry/Ginny shipper, myself, but it doesn't matter because you're going to die."

"No I'm not. I'm famous," Harry informed him nonchalantly.

"Me too," Voldemort told him.

"Shoot, I didn't think of that," Harry said. He cursed his own stupidity.

"But since we are both famous, I thin I'll offer you a job as a Death Eater," Voldemort said to Harry.

"Never!" Harry gasped. "You killed my parents!" Voldemort laughed.

"Silly boy. I am your parents."

"You know, that line worked much better in Star Wars," Harry said critically.

"I was just thinking that myself," Voldemort sighed. "Oh well."

"How could you possibly be them both, anyway?"

"I don't know, but I am."

"Okay, well sorry, but I still have to kill you," Harry apologized.

"How could you do that to your own mother and father?" Voldemort cried.

"Well, the world is counting on me. I don't really have a choice."

"Me either!" Voldemort said. And he pulled out a gun.

"Oh, crap," Harry said. Those were his last words.