"For God so loved the world, he gave his only begotten son, that whomever shall believe in him shall not die, but have eternal life."

John 3:16

Warning: Boy on boy action! This will be Sirius/Remus…eventually.

Disclaimer: Don't own Harry Potter, not pretending to own Harry Potter, just borrowing the characters for a bit of fun .

Author's Note: Hallo again. Yes, I know, I have so many unfinished fics, and I'm starting a new one. -- Never mind, it's better than nothing, right? Right? Oh dear…Ah well, on with the show…

Unsavoury: A Fairy Tale

James dismounted and gave his horse's reins to the stable boy, letting him lead it away.

"My dear uncle!" a voice cried mockingly. James turned to see Sirius walking towards him, arms wide open. "Back from his hunting trip so soon?"

James made a face. "Please don't remind me of our stuffed up family, Sirius. I'd prefer to avoid that subject as much as possible."

"Why, Uncle! You don't wish to know me? Your own nephew? I'm crushed."

"Shut up Sirius." James gave his closest friend a shove.

Sirius frowned slightly, studying the other man. "What's eating you, James? You usually have a higher tolerance for me than this."

James sighed. "It's nothing."

Sirius raised an eyebrow, giving his friend a sceptical look. James tried to hold it before throwing his hands up in defeat. "Alright, alright. If you must know, we ran into Regulus."

Sirius grimaced. "My horrible brother? Enough said. That more than justifies your mood."

"That's not all."

"How could it possibly get worse?"

"He seems to have acquired some sort of spell. Probably bought it from a mage of some sort."

"Okay, that's worse."

"And he caught me in the forest. Told me he wasn't happy with you getting the lands instead of him. He said that if I didn't answer his question, the spell would allow him to take all my lands as well as yours."

"Lovely. What was the question?"

"What do women really want?"

"Ok, you're dead."

"Sirius!"

"What? It's true! No man understands women." A thoughtful pause. "Regulus always did have trouble getting the ladies."

"You're not helping, Sirius."

"Fine, fine, how hard could it be? Women understand women, we'll just ask them. Listen, I'll go around getting answers from them with my irresistible charm, write everything down into this book, and bring it back when I'm finished."

"You're so modest as always, but I have to admit, the plan is good."

"I know."

OoOoOoOoO

A week later, James sat in front of Sirius, eagerly awaiting his answer.

"Well?"

Sirius set the book on the table, then looked up at James and sighed. "We've run into a bit of a problem."

"Well, what is it?" James asked impatiently.

"Different women gave very different answers."

"Is that all? That's fine, we'll just—"

"There's no clear majority either."

A pause.

"What do you have?"

"Well, the barren ones wanted children, the sick ones wanted health, the poor ones wanted money, the young ones wanted husbands and some of the bolder ones started advancing on me…" Sirius shuddered at the memory.

"Oh. That is a lot of variety."

"Yes."

"Damn."

"That would be right."

"DAMN!"

"You've already said that."

"What are we going to do now?"

"I think I actually may be able to help you there. You see, I was talking to some village elders about your problem, and one of these old men suggested that you consult someone called the Loathly Lady."

"The what?"

"That's pretty much what I said. Apparently, in some remote village somewhere, there's this really ugly woman, 'hideous beyond belief' I think he said. However for all that, she's something of a scholar, very learned in just about everything, and if anyone knows the answer to your question, it'd be her."

"Oh, I see. Did he say where to find her?"

"You know those mountains you have on the very edge of your kingdom? The ones that mark the end of civilisation?"

"Yeah?"

"She lives –behind- them."

"But that's in the middle of nowhere!"

"Yeah. That's the general idea, you know, for the unbearably ugly crone to live as far as possible from everyone else."

"Oh. I see."

"The most brilliant strategist amongst the kings of our time, ladies and gentlemen."

"Shut up, Sirius."

OoOoOoOoO

King James started preparing for the journey to the home of the loathly lady immediately, leaving his kingdom in the more than capable hands of his most trusted friend Sirius. Deciding that he would most likely make it there and back unmolested if he went incognito, he switched his royal finery for an ordinary traveller's garb, his royal steed for a nondescript brown mare. He filled his saddlebags with a sizable amount of money, should the lady in question need a little "persuasion", and carried a plain but serviceable sword at his waist just in case he ran into bandits. After kissing his wife goodbye, he set off, whistling a happy tune.

James took the "hideous beyond belief" comment as Sirius had—with a pinch of salt. The lady was probably hunchbacked, perhaps with a few warts here and there, a crooked nose maybe, at the worst a bit of facial hair, but she couldn't be that ugly, right?

He was wrong.

OoOoOoOoO

You know the drill, folks, review please!