A Word In Advance

To J. K. Rowling: I am so, so sorry.

Actually that's a complete lie. I thoroughly enjoyed writing this. Let us say, I'm sorry you're upset. If I've done my job here properly you will be.

A similar statement applies for the owner of the intellectual property of Hitler.

Hitler paused in his thrusting. "Albus, sweetie," he trilled, "be a dear and get me another condom, will you? This one's broken. And make it a raspberry one this time, curry doesn't suit me." Dumbledore paused, grimaced, stood up, then swiftly turned and bellowed at a servant girl near the door to his opulent bedchambers. "CONDOMS WOMAN", he roared, "AND BE QUICKER ABOUT IT THAN YOU WERE WITH THE COCK RINGS, UNLESS YOU WISH TO FEEL MY FOOT ON YOUR THROAT". The girl trembled, blushed magnificently, and scampered out.

"Can't find good help these days," growled Dumbledore, resuming his position on the bed. "Remember Trudy, last month? Horrible girl. Took nine minutes to soap me down. Breaking her was a right laugh, though. Sets an example to the others. Next day the other thirty-seven all tried to give me my morning blowjob at once. Hilarious." He winced and grunted as Hitler resumed.

"Oh, you're too hard on your servants, darling," Hitler chirped, thrusting enthusiastically. "You've got to train them." His sparrowlike figure bobbed rhythmically. "There's this lovely roast my sweeties have been making for me recently, it's to die for, but it just doesn't have that frission of excellence without a certain spice that only grows halfway up a nearby cliff. I sent a few of my boys, lovely fellows, out to get some, but they do titter so, love, they titter, anyone would think I'd asked them to have a bikini wax. So naughty." He giggled and lovingly ran his fingers through Dumbledore's hair. "Yes yes, a few of them did fall off the cliff as they did my divine bidding, but once their bodies had made a big enough pile at the bottom, the survivors could simply walk up and get my spices, and now I have my lovely roast! See, dearie, they learn."

Hitler paused and shuddered as he climaxed. His features contorted momentarily. He withdrew and rose from the bed, his simpering little boiled slug of a body a pale blob in the moonlight coming from the open window. Moments later Dumbledore also stood, his giant frame a hulking shape of greasy diabolical power. They walked to the window and gazed at the magnificent view.

Endless columns of armour and infantry thundered slowly past, uncountable swarms of soldiers in formation, the ground shaking with each step. The two men gazed out from their mountaintop citadel at the abyssal plain far below, as the armies mustered from their conquered lands swarmed past on parade, a million men in perfect order. "Isn't it wonderful, Albus?" Hitler said, gazing with paternal pride at the legions below, "We're finally nearing our goal! The world is ours to conquer!" He grasped Dumbledore's cock and began stroking rapidly. Dumbledore shuddered and his perpetually frowning, furious eyes softened into something vaguely resembling affection.

"Half the world shudders in terrified obedience!" Hitler squeaked, his beady eyes glistening. "The other half cannot resist us! We'll crush them like the insects they are! We shall extinguish all hope and happiness under a vast and unyielding grey sludge of despair and doom! Say it with me, Albus! 'Together we shall rule!'"

"Adolf!" Dumbledore bellowed, "We'll do it! The world is ours! Together we shall rule!"

Dumbledore came.

Hitler and Dumbledore's armies have absorbed a continent and enslaved another. The remaining global Powers desperately scramble to resist their might, and continually reel from one bloody blow after another. Together they are unstoppable, together they are the greatest threat the free world has ever known.

Lately, though, their efforts have been frustrated. Previously divided and neutral, a certain cluster of city-states on the edge of the world war have been pulling together, convalescing into a surprisingly powerful war machine. Throwing their lot in with the remaining free nations, the city-states jointly launched an invasion of parts of Hitler and Dumbledore's lightly held conquered territories, taking them completely by surprise. Why should a group of ragtag cities, divided for centuries, suddenly ignore their differences and display such astonishing military prowess, they wondered? What unifying force could possibly have brought them together? Carefully and coolly they pondered the ramifications, the consequences, the forecasts.

"Albus, darling," whined Hitler suddenly, during one of the meetings with their generals, "I'm horny, do me right now on the table!"

"One superhuman jackhammer, coming right up!" Dumbledore thundered, picking Hitler up bodily and slamming him on the meeting table, scattering hundreds of army figures from the military maps covering it.

Fifty faces regarded them stonily. "Must you do this now, of all times?" growled a particularly stern and authoritarian general. "We are in the midst of strategic deliberations of the utmost import-"

Dumbledore picked him up by the throat with one hand and threw him out the nearest window. Glass shattered.

The remaining generals instantly looked a hell of a lot more subservient.

"Do me, darling!" Hitler yammered. "And be quick about it, my rectum hungers!"

Several minutes later Dumbledore shuddered and came. A dull crunch came from the window as the unfortunate general hit the ground far below.

"All right, all right, darlings, we'll continue," said Hitler to all present, "now where were we? We were reviewing troop movements towards the battle lines get your cock out of me this instant, Albus, work time now!"

Dumbledore reluctantly withdrew and sat down heavily.

"My lords," said another general finally, "if we may continue, the situation grows ever more dire. Our enemy still grows more bold and their forces have overrun another defensive line to the south of-"

"Which enemy?" Dumbledore interrupted. "The usual rabble we've been kicking the shit out of, or this new lot?"

The general sighed inwardly. "Yes, the 'new lot', my lord. The disparate cities we have in the past dealt with on a separate basis have recently begun marching under a single banner, and do so insist on being collectively addressed as the 'Sons Of Apocalypta'. Quite tiresome, but one must keep up the diplomatic pretenses."

"Apocalypta?" said Hitler sharply, "what's that? Some kind of death metal?"

"Who is that, would be a more appropriate question," said the general smoothly. "Our spies there have informed us of great political upheavals taking place. Parliaments overthrown, politicians assassinated, senates dissolved, violence in the streets. Evidently the populace feels threatened-"

"By us?" Hitler pounced. "Albus! High five!"

"By, indeed, us. Imminent threat of invasion has a way of inducing consternation and worry into a population, most regrettable. The outcome of all this is that a new leader has arisen, promising security and strength, and thus has gained immense popularity. This leader has also promised peace, and the observed activities and machinations of the city-states, our spies tell us, up until now have apparently been consistent with this. Until their invasion of several of our captured territories last month, we considered the Sons of Apocalypta to be of only minor concern."

"And now these two-faced dickheads are kicking the crap out of our boys?" Dumbledore snarled. "Smash 'em!" He pounded the table, which cracked. The generals jumped. "Who's this leader? We'll tear 'im apart!"

"Herapart, my lord. Apocalypta is a woman."

"This Apocalypta chap's a lady?" squeaked Hitler, utterly shocked. "A lady's rising against us? A lady? Nonsense! Ladies are pure and innocent and fragile creatures! Why, my lovelies at home would simply die if they had to lead anything, they'd die, that's why I keep them locked up and collecting spices, and other things that tickle my fancy, if you get my drift." Dumbledore grinned, and looked meaningfully at the assembled audience. They also instantly started grinning maniacally. Dumbledore's stare left them and the grins vanished.

"Right, then, we find this Apocalypta girlie and knock 'er off," Dumbledore said. Hitler shuddered. "Dammit Adolf, this bitch needs fixing. Killed" - he glanced at a briefing paper - "fifty thousand of our boys already! Fifty thousand! In a week! And the rest of our armies are spread across the world, it'll take weeks to get enough of 'em from the fronts and into any sort of counterattack force, and meanwhile we've got half a lightly defended continent about to be completely fucked over by this Apocalypta woman! Years of gains gone! We have to smash her, and smash her NOW! PERSONALLY!"

Hitler was astonished. Hitherto, Dumbledore had never spoken a sentence more than twenty words long, any concepts more complex than this were communicated by a combination of grunts, scratching extremities, and extreme violence. Dumbledore was clearly shaken. Hitler decided to act.

"Agreed, then! If we don't yet have the military option, we'll hit the woman herself. Generals! The armies of our new enemy, whatever personal approach we make, will need to be dealt with. Redeployment delays be damned. Withdraw what troops you see fit from the main fronts and assemble a counter-invasion force, best speed. Meanwhile, Dumbledore and I will direct an attack on Apocalypta herself. Dismissed!"

Hitler waddled menacingly from the room, Dumbledore trudging behind him, snacking on one of the more insolent generals. "Albus, sweetie, I've told you, you mustn't do that! You'll spoil your appetite!"

Slaves groaned. Whips cracked. A vast lumbering edifice slowly crept up a mountain highway. Thousands of able-bodied men hoisted onto their backs the colossal, towering personal litter of Hitler and Dumbledore, replete with a 30-room mansion, Olympic swimming pool, helicopter pad and attached orgy grotto. Hitler and Dumbledore were travelling in style.

"I don't know why I bothered coming," whined Hitler, as a topless firm-breasted French peasant girl rubbed lotion into his back with her firm breasts as he lay face-down in the sauna room, "we could have just sent a few hundred assassins! Why did we have to go? I miss my lovelies! They need me! They'd die without me!"

"WHAT?" boomed Dumbledore, reclining opposite him, sipping wine. "Man up, man! We-"

The floor gave a slow, ponderous lurch, spilling Dumbledore's drink. He leaped off his seat, strode to the window, and leaned out. "WATCH YOUR FOOTING, YOU WORTHLESS PRICKS", he bellowed down at the nearest group of slaves trying to move the litter, which had ground to a halt. "GET US MOVING!"

"My lord!", one of the nearer slave overseers cried back, "there are cave-ins under the road! It was never built to take the weight of ten-thousand-ton litters! We must go bac-"

Dumbledore's wine glass hit his head at meteoric speed. "GET US MOVING, I SAID!"

Dumbledore turned back into the sauna room. "Loathsome little man. Anyway. What's our next move?"

"What do you mean?" asked Hitler.

"This Apocalypta lot. We can hardly turn up at their capital city the way we are, even in a ride as pimped out as this, can we? One thing to push our lot around, they've been crushed already, they don't fight back. Not since that rebellion they tried a few weeks after we'd conquered them. Remember that?"

"How could I not?" said Hitler. "The fighting! The slaughter! The endless massacres! Such fun! Such good times! A delightful bonus to the conquering of entire continents, they're thoughtful enough to provide us with even more fun, and we've now got the survivors shitting bricks if we so much as look at them!" He reached up and tweaked a nipple of the firm-breasted French peasant girl. "Isn't that right, sweetie?" She trembled and nodded.

"But these others, these Sons of Apocalypta, they haven't been crushed yet, have they?" said Dumbledore. "They're pre-crushed! We turn up in our litter outside their city gates, they'll shell the shit out of us. Sure, we'll crush 'em eventually, make 'em regret ever thinking we were anything less than gods, but they'll make life hard for us before that."

"So we use subterfuge! Go undercover! I love it! Head to the capital, find Apocalypta's palace, get inside it and kill her! How naughty!"

"WHAT? What? Uh - sure, we could do that. But I was thinking of something a little more ... what's the word... " he grunted and scratched his balls. "Showy?"

"Oh yes? Tell, tell."

Dumbledore told, told.

Hitler was silent for a few seconds. "That could work! That could really work!"

Dumbledore grinned. "Damn right it could. Who'd see that coming? You or I wouldn't, that's for sure. It'd distract the hell out of us."

"But where can we get enough canvas? Or rainbow fabric?"

"Canvas is easy. Just knot together grass or something. That's what we brought the litter slaves along for, they know all that stuff. And Adolf." Dumbledore looked Hitler in the eye. "You're asking me if I have rainbow fabric? Me? You must be joking!"

"Oh, Albus! You're so squiffy!"

Hitler surveyed his army. Massed ranks of muscular men stood before him, awaiting his order. Before them, the outskirts of the Sons of Apocalypta's capital stretched before them, the spires and skyscrapers of the central city visible on the horizon. The city boundaries swarmed with people, both eager and apprehensive to witness the nearby mass of men.

"Gentlemen!" he yipped into a megaphone, "Just to make sure everyone's on the same page, darlings, we'll go over the plan one more time. The Sons of Apocalypta are expecting large-scale, conventional military attacks. It's what they think we'll do, it's what they'll no doubt have organised the defences of this city to repel. Therefore! We shall infuriate them! We shall confound them! We will do the opposite, we will do what they least expect! As every good strategist knows, one of the best advantages in war is the element of surprise. And what could be more surprising than setting a world record for the largest ever gay pride parade? We" - he gestured dramatically across the rainbow-fabric-festooned, jockstrap-clad, oiled-up ranks before him - "are the hottest new thing in town! We will show this city the best time it's ever had! We will dazzle! We will astonish! We will tease! We will fascinate! And when we get close enough to Apocalypta's palace, we will STRIKE!"

A huge cheer rose up. "Onward!" Hitler squeaked. The megaphone-amplified nails-on-blackboard squeak blew out windows in nearby buildings. The parade was on!

The radio around his neck crackled. "All going to plan, then?" Dumbledore rumbled, on the other end.

"Oh yes!" Hitler's eyes gleamed. "You should be here! Such an exceptional idea of yours, using the litter slaves as an impromptu army! See, this is why we should take a litter borne by ten thousand slaves anywhere and everywhere we go, you never know when you might want to organise a colossal distracting gay pride parade."

"Hah, yeah, remember our honeymoon? Parades everywhere! Great fun. What having billions of subjects is all about. Getting the parades to fight each other was hilarious. We got fucking good mileage out of that, didn't we? Never laughed so hard in my life. Spank fodder for years."

"Oh, indeed, indeed." Hitler's eyes misted in affectionate remembrance of times past. "Anyway. How's your end of the plan going?"

"Not bad. I've got the litter charging along, it's on its way! That cloud layer we spotted earlier is here, it'll camouflage the litter well."

"Excellent! Surprise of the century, this. Can you see us yet?"

"Not yet. We separated slaves from litter quite a way from the city. Set off a few fireworks, will you? I'll see if I can spot 'em."

Hitler twiddled his radio's broadcast frequency dial. "Sergeant, dearie, get the boys to fire off a couple of salvos of skyrockets, if you'd be so kind?"

Radio instructions bounced back and forth, then several hundred skyrockets chosen specifically for how enthusiastically and fabulously they'd explode launched upwards and burst, hitting a giant flock of pigeons flying overhead, igniting several million of them and sending more tumbling earthwards. The vastly amplified sheets of flame thus produced lit up the surrounding cityscape like a stroppy volcano.

"Got it!" Dumbledore roared. "What the fuck was that? That blast was huge! Have you been sneaking nukes here without telling me?"

Thousands of descending streaks of pigeon-fuelled fireballs spattered the surrounding vicinity. Panic set in amongst the audience lining the main road. "Albus! Birds!" Hitler shrieked. "You know I can't stand them!" He flailed ineffectually at a few that splatted combustively next to him. The heaving throngs cramming the street sidewalks did the same, scattering and swarming around, dodging descending pigeons and being squelched by others.

Under covering fire of fire, the parade charged on. The street they were on widened into a sort of central park. Occupying this park was another parade. A rather tougher sort of parade, with much growling and brandishing of weapons. Hitler's boys became uneasy and slowed. After brushing off the final few pigeons, Hitler waddled to the front ranks of his parade, elbowing aside men. "Oi! That's my path you're blocking! Back off!"

At first this opposing parade did nothing. Then as one man, each of them thrust out their right arms, diagonally and upward, ramrod straight, a porcupine of parallel, spiky salutes. They charged!

At the head of his parade, Hitler whimpered in panic. "Dumbledore! Help! Nazis!"

"Nazis?", Dumbledore boomed back through his radio, "Where? What're you talking about?"

The distance between parades began to shrink dramatically as the thousands of Nazis thundered forward in perfect formation, arms thrust aloft. Hitler's parade started edging backwards. "There's a Nazi parade here!" Hitler squeaked. "They've formed phalanxes with their arms! We don't have weapons we wanted to be stealthy to get the parade into the city we can't fight back help help!"

A pause. Then, "Have you lost your mind? Who's the baddest Nazi of 'em all? Tell me!"

Hitler facepalmed. "Oh. Right." He clambered on the shoulders of several of his closest paraders to address the charging, screaming Nazis, now mere metres away. "OI, LISTEN UP", he yammered through his megaphone, "HALT THIS CHARGE! I AM YOUR CREATOR YOU WILL OBEY YOU WILL OBEY"

The Nazi charge clattered to a halt. Soldiers looked up, wide-eyed, at their progenitor. They kowtowed instantly and cried out as one soldier, "Don't eat me! Don't eat me!"

Hitler gazed beneficently back down at them and giggled. "I'm not going to eat you, my darlings! Join me! Join us! Who sent you boys, anyway?"

One soldier shuffled awkwardly forward. "Apocalypta, sir", he whimpered. "She's insane! She's demented! We can't escape from under her thumb!"

"Worry not! Join me in overthrowing her!" The Nazis cheered and merged with the gay pride parade, and soon both were charging up before Apocalypta's palace. Mercenaries thronged the walls, horribly beweaponed and stroppy and training machine guns on the approaching parades. "Right, boys!", Hitler screeched, "Form-of-Queen-Mother!"

The gay pride paraders hurriedly downed banners and signs and clambered on each other's shoulders, rapidly morphing into the tried-and-true battle formation that had allowed Hitler and Dumbledore to dominate half the world so fearlessly. Within short minutes a vast, hulking figure over a hundred metres high loomed over the palace, formed by the coordinated movements of ten thousand slaves turned gay pride paraders. The figure screeched and belched flame and raised a mighty fist, and brought it down like a descending asteroid on a nearby section of wall. Masonry deafeningly exploded. The defending mercenaries opened fire.

Hitler, hiding well back in a nearby building, directed the Mecha Queen Mother's movements via radio. "Aieee! Don't scratch the architecture! Kill those pesky mercenaries!" The Queen Mother stomped on defender after defender, knocking battalions skyward, yet was hit with giant hosings of machine gun fire from elsewhere. The Mecha tripped and stumbled, dropping and losing men. Things looked bleak. Hitler prepared to scamper.

From behind the palace, a vast section of white cloud turned black as the airborne litter charged the battlefield from behind, held aloft with a grass-knotted-canvas balloon and packed with the entire army's machine guns, manned by former slaves and led by Dumbledore, who'd found a way to fire seventy-three machine guns at once. "RALLY, BOYS", he bellowed, "WE'VE ALMOST GOT 'EM!" The litter rammed the palace, smashing masonry aside and lodging in the fifth floor. Hundreds of slaves leaped off, brandishing weapons and hitting the defending mercenaries from behind.

An earthquake rattled the city. All parties in the battle stopped in surprise. Part of the palace slowly bent and creaked upwards, as of something from insidebreaking out to get free...

A huge yellow Mecha burst forth. Apocalypta emerged! The bloodied but defiant Queen Mother balled fists and strode forward to meet the upstart. The two closed quickly.

A hairy snarling blur leaped between them. Dumbledore attacked! His fists struck mighty hammer blows against the enemy cockpit, punching through carbon steel like tissue paper. The cockpit door opened and the barrel of a railgun thrust outward. A blow from the Queen Mother knocked it aside. Dumbledore leaped inside the cockpit, furious and growling, and a second later exited at meteoric speed, shocked and astonished.

Apocalypta strode out of the cockpit onto the shoulder of her mecha, hundreds of metres up, wringing her left hand slightly. A hushed reverence fell on all fighters around her. Dumbledore impacted on the side of a skyscraper some kilometres away. She raised a hand and spoke into her radio. "Hi there!"

"At last! We meet!", Hitler radioed back. "That trick with Dumbledore won't work on me! Prepare for the end!"

"You mistake me," said Apocalypta, her eyes shining with long-suppressed pleasure. "I long for you!"

"..."

"Come to me, my darling! I can't bear to be without you!"

"..."

"Get up here, lover-boy!"

"Well, you're only human", said Hitler at last. "This is a common reaction, you know," he preened, "I'm magnificent!" After a few radio instructions to his slaves, the Queen Mother mecha lifted Hitler up to Apocalypta. He flounced towards her, smugly and smarmily smiling. "I just knew you couldn't resist me! Aren't I lovely?"

Hitler leaned in for the kiss and then staggered sprawling back onto the Queen Mother's forehead as Apocalypta smacked his head with a huge cricket bat, then triumphantly whirled it over and around her head, making whooshing sounds. "Hah! A spectacular hit! I can't believe you fell for that!" Hitler staggered upright, a magnificent bump forming on his forehead, a look of shock on his face. "Here, let me kiss it better." Hitler staggered forward with a look of hope rekindling in his eyes and got clonked on the noggin again. "Oh my god! Again! How are you this moronic?"

Hitler staggered upright once more with a look of astonishment and dawning delight on his face. "My god, can it be true? All my life I've been looking …"

Apocalypta's face clouded. "What?"

"Finally, someone who shares my fetish! At last! A kindred spirit! Someone else to mix cricket and masochism with! Just wait there, let me pad up first!"

"..."

"No, I can't even wait for that! Come to me, lover-girl!"

"Aargh! You idiot! You're so wrapped up in yourself that you even mistake murder attempts for seduction! The world does not revolve around you!"

"I think you'll find it does." Dumbledore materialised behind Apocalypta and plucked her cricket bat out of her hand from behind. "Don't you dare hit on my darling!", he roared, "he's MIIIINE! It's the Crocodile treatment for you!" Dumbledore quickly whipped out a pair of external false teeth not unlike the jaw of a crocodile, fitted them to his head, and opened wide. A look of fright momentarily passed over Apocalypta's face, then was replaced by one of determination and satisfied cunning. She leaped toward him.

"Get her, dearie!", Hitler squeaked impatiently, "Chomp her down! Use your winning move on her! It worked so well on the US Congress!" Momentarily baffled by the fact that Apocalpyta was apparently welcoming his attack, Dumbledore rallied and swallowed her whole. He looked rather pleased with himself and removed the Crocodile teeth. Then his expression flickered and his limbs momentarily shuddered before an odd calm descended on him.

Apocalypta, now wearing Dumbledore like a sort of suit, gazed back at Hitler, the breeze whooshing around them atop her hundreds-of-metres-tall mecha. "Success! She's defeated!", she said in his voice, "fancy a celebratory shag?"

"Of course, darling!" Hitler tittered. "Do me!"

"Prepare your innards!" Apocalypta said in an all-too-knowing tone. She lubed up a fist in preparation. Minutes later, not only her fist but her entire Dumbledore-wearing body was inside him. Two layers! Apocalypta-wearing-Dumbledore-wearing-Hitler walked rather jerkily back to the cockpit of her mecha and walked it back to its home in the basement of her palace. All RIGHT, she thought to herself, I got me two puppets! This could be a huge amount of fun...

Fin