Chapter One

Today was my first day of Christmas Break. I took my finals a week early so I can come home this weekend. It's Trina's birthday tomorrow and also Margot comes home tomorrow too. I always pick her up from the airport... i plan to keep that tradition until Margot graduates.

For now, It's just one of those things i want to keep constant since for some reason everything else isn't going as well as I want it to.

My eyes stay on the ceiling and around my room. Not much has changed here at all and I like it. I haven't been home since before thanksgiving break... actually if I think about it I haven't been home for November either

(I was planning to come home for thanksgiving but i was assigned host for the Asian-thanksgiving dinner at school for the asian exchange students... interestingly enough Dad was alright with me not coming home which i'm sure it's because he hates the seven hour drive back and forth...)

And now it comes to me that I haven't been back home for two months, today.

It's so weird that during that time there's has been lot of things that has changed at the house. Our couch is new, because apparently Jamie Fox-Pickle decided it was a good idea to chew on the cushions. From the stories I heard, he had gotten so much trouble only to find out that Kitty had spilled food on the back cushion that's why he ate at it.

So with the new couch they decided to change the entire living room set too, "to match". I like it. It's a nice shade of blue from our old red designs. Though, i have a tiny feeling that Margot is going to be upset at this since it was mom's couch and all.

There are little changes in the house too. Theres a few side tables at most every corner with lots of photos of the family with us Song girls with Trina, dad and us then the dogs too.

But my favorite part was (which Kitty said is Trina's idea) was putting a table with photos with just sisters with mom and then all five of us. I almost teared up when i saw it.

"She will always be part of our lives, and I am sad i didn't get to know her before. The photos remind me of what I have to treasure and that's all you guys." Trina had said as she hugged me, and at least I didn't end up crying.

I moved around my bed, and turned. There I was staring at photos of me and Peter from my birthday "sixteen candles" he did for Prom earlier this year.

My heart clenched. Remembering how I was so happy that day and wanted to bring it all back. I groaned to myself. I still recall my wish and it made me think of how things were so simple back then. If i knew it was gonna be that hard I would have made a totally different wish.

Love wasn't enough at all because relationship takes work. And work it definitely it was... Peter and I did fine the first month when school had started but eventually it had gotten so hard that the next two months after that was such a struggle. I barely had time to call him for last day calls because i'd come home super late that he's already asleep. Then what's worse is we keep fighting on the phone for stupid reasons. I think not seeing each other enough took it's toll in our relationship and it ended.

If i think about it now, I don't remember what happened exactly. How we remained broken up but it was maybe because we both knew how hard it was for both of us... it was probably easier to be this way. Much easier to focus on our goals and not be distracted by us.

Which is what i keep telling myself all these weeks...

"Hey, you gonna take me to Kristene's right?" Kitty's voice broke my thoughts. Which i'm thankful because everytime i think about Peter I tend to be emotional.

I sit up from my bed and look at my watch, "You asked me to." I reply.

"Well give me five more minutes then." Kitty said and that's when I got out of bed, grabbed her arm then stared at her eyes. "Are you wearing an eyeliner?" I gasped not wanting to believe that my little sister is wearing make up! She's a baby!

Kitty wiggles from my hold and rolls her eyes. "I'm almost a teenager, Lara Jean. I can do what I want." Then leaves me standing by the door way with my mouth wide open.

Since when does Kitty wear make up? When did she grow up to be a preteen! She's only 12! Wow... is this what Margot feels like everytime something new happens that she doesn't know about since she away.

"I can't believe you're wearing make up!" I call from room as loudly as I could so she could hear.

She ignores me and instead says, "Don't forget that Dad asked you to take the trash out!"

I'm taken aback to this. I don't remember dad specifically saying i'd do it. He just said, can one of you girls do it. "Hey! How come I'm doing chores I don't live here!" I protest. I just got back two hours ago and now I'm doing chores to a house i haven't lived in for two months?

But Kitty doesn't reply and I know this is a battle I've already lost.

I walk to the kitchen to take out the trash, and notice that the trash bin is new too. It takes me a second to figure out how to open it and reach for a trash bag which I'm thankful is still at the same spot. "At least you didn't change my friend."

I walked out of the house and closed the door behind me, it's actually really nice out right now for an almost winter weather.

"Lara Jean?"

I froze at the door. His voice made me almost lose my balance that I had to hold on to the door knob for support. The last time I heard his voice was when we broke up, and i brace myself because I could feel my eyes tearing up.

"Peter?" I turn around and my heart jumped. Peter Kavinsky is standing on my walkway, being handsome as ever. He looks more built than the last time I've seen him and his hair is longer than he lets it grow, which makes him look incredible by the way.

He lightly touches the back of his head, a sign that he is as nervous as I am. He seems rather flustered to see me here. "What are you doing here?"

I was about to ask him the same thing and wanting to respond that it's my home. I should be here when i realized that he probably remembers that my class doesn't end till next week. "Oh, i took the finals early so I can come home. It's Trina's birthday tomorrow and Margot comes back to."

"Ah." His answer was quick and he nods.

"What—"

"So I guess you can give Kitty a ride?" He asks.

My heart shatters. What was i expecting anyway... he's come for me. He didn't even know I was back. Kitty called him to come to ambush me probably. I mentally curse my little sister. "Yeah. Ofcourse." I stumbled upon an answer unsure of what to say.

"Yeah, I just got out from practice and I'm kinda tired."

I nod, avoiding his gaze. He was trying to read into my expression. "Go. Thanks for coming."

"Yeah, I'm here for the kid." Then he sighs, "See you around, Lara Jean."

"Bye." My voice cracks and i turn back around to walk in the house without looking back.

I let out a breathe that I didn't know I was holding. He called me Lara Jean... and the way he said it was so unaffectionate it hurt a lot. I missed how he's call me Covey and how saying my last name even if it seems impersonal sounds romantic. I miss being in his arms, trapped in his strong arms, caging me there protecting me from my doubts of our relationship... I miss how he'd breath my name when I kiss him and nothing else mattered but us... despite not seeing each other for weeks at a time, his smile that i know is just for me takes all that pressure and pain away...

It was now that I finally realized how much I miss him. How I miss us.

And how much I hate Kitty. "KITTY!" I yell as loudly as i could, i feel my throat burning.

Kitty steps out of her room in panic, "What?" Then she sees me standing at the doorway holding the trash in my hands. "Well you're already standing there why don't you take out the trash?"

I glared at her, and points at her with a shaky hand, "You called Peter?!"

She didn't even flinch. She waves a hand as if uninterested. "Yeah. I didn't know you were coming home this weekend and no one could take me to Kristene's house." She says it like it's normal to call her sister's ex-boyfriend for a ride. "I asked him three days ago."

I was so angry that I wasn't sure what i wanted to say next. I growled instead, "Then you could have called him and told him he didn't need to."

She just blinks. "Did you get to talk to him?" She asks hopeful.

The tone of her voice lessens my anger... just a little but i'm still furious that I say, "You need to butt out of my business Kitty. It's Peter and mine's! You need to stop playing cupid and get over it!"

Her face changed and she glares back, she was startled at my reaction at first but she's a feisty little one who doesn't let anyone treat her this way, "Well you don't seem to be over it!"

Ouch. She hit me right there.

I didn't want to argue about this. Especially not to Kitty who doesn't understand what i went through this semester trying to keep my relationship intact and what I did after to get over it. "You better get ready to leave now, because you said five minutes. Or else you better find someone else to take you to Kristene's because I'm leaving." I really don't know where I'm going but i need to drive to cool down.

She huffs and shakes her head. "I'm done anyway." And stomps downstairs.

I wait for her at the end of the staircase and when she was in front of me towering over me because she was two steps ahead. I shove the trash bag to her hand. "And do your chores. That is your job, not invading my business." It's petty I know but I'm so pissed right now.

The car ride to Kitty's friend's house was quiet and chilly. We may not have spoken since she got in the car, but Kitty has her way of making sure she was heard through her body language. She was seated as close to the door as she can, her head was looking out the window and she even turned off the radio as soon as she shut the door.

It even makes me want to apologise to Kitty... just a little but I had to stand my ground and not make her think that what she did was okay.

When we got there, I said briefly. "Call me when youre done." I tried to make my voice sound firm and it was successful because she flinched.

She just nods. Then her hand was on the handle. She hesitates to get out of the car. "You need to understand, when Margot and Josh broke up it wasn't just Margot who lost Josh. I did too. So with you and peter..." she clears her throat. "I'll ask to have Tree pick me up." Then she get out of the car and shut the door.

I hoped she slammed the door heavily but she didn't. But i still jumped as if she did. How could have I not seen this at all, that i was too wrapped up with my own problems, I forgot that Kitty got tangled in it too because of how she also cares about Peter.

I rest my head on the steering wheel, wondering why I'm such a bad big sister...

a/n

yeaah i know it starts this way but from me reading the books it makes it seem loke they are headed this way. Its just how lara jean talks about eveything as a memory or something but i promise ill head somewhere. Comment and fave if you wanna read more :)