The touch of a hand.
Slowly, you inch forward, hearts pounding, breath colliding, and finally, you kiss.
Everything speeds up from there, desperation and hunger let loose all at once. The dam has been released. Your hands cling as your bodies lean together, attracted like magnetic forces. You whimper and he whispers something fervent and unheard against your neck.
So different. So different.
There was nothing you could do.
It's hot; sticky and sweaty as your skin slides and catches.
You realize that there never could have been a replacement for this, but you never would have found this without feeling the replacement first.
His palm is salt and hard flesh under your mouth. You can make him moan and take off his pants at the same time.
Your bed has never been used like this before. How could you have thought...?
But he's here and he's real, fervent and unrelenting. All your nightmares are gone in the half-light of your bedroom as his thigh slides between your legs.
You're breathing into each other's mouths, unable to separate enough for fresh air.
If you could find a way to keep this madness for the rest of your life, you would. Would you have found this with someone else? With a certain someone else?
No. No.
But that is not what you're saying when he rocks against you and you rock back, fingers sliding in the sweaty hair at the nape of his neck, digging into the taught muscle of his shoulder. What you are saying is his name, over and over again, so that neither of you will forget it. It is not Gaku's name.
You sob in his ear as you push towards the end, sobbing "I love you"s over and over again. He doesn't answer, but adjusts his position until you're too breathless for words. Too far gone for words. He jerks back, a staccato dance, and spills all over your body. You cannot possibly mind.
You touch him, reassure yourself, hold him down against you. He stays there, a blessing, lazily kissing and licking your jaw. Teeth are sometimes involved, to send a shiver down your spine.
You close your eyes. And breathe. Time to stop crying.