JASPER (A SHREK PARODY)
Written by
SUPERSONICWARRIOR
JASPER
Once upon a time there was a lovely
human. But she had an enchantment
upon her of a fearful sort which could
only be broken by love's first kiss.
She was locked away in a castle guarded
by a terrible acid-breathing corruption.
Many brave knights had attempted to
free her from this dreadful prison,
but none prevailed. She waited in the
gem's keep in the highest room of
the tallest tower for her true love
and true love's first kiss. (laughs)
Like that's ever gonna happen. What
a load of - (toilet flush)
Allstar - by Smashmouth begins to play. Jasper goes about her
day. While in a nearby town, the villagers get together to go
after the gem.
NIGHT - NEAR JASPER'S COLONY
MAN1
Think it's in there?
MAN2
All right. Let's get it!
MAN1
Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that
thing can do to you?
MAN3
Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's
bread.
Jasper sneaks up behind them and laughs.
JASPER
Yes, well, actually, that would be a
bismuth. Now, jaspers, oh they're much worse.
They'll make a suit from your freshly
peeled skin.
MEN
No!
JASPER
They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the
jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's
quite good on toast.
MAN1
Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!
(waves the torch at Jasper.)
Jasper calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. The
men shrink back away from him. Jasper roars very loudly and for very long
and his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until the
men are in the dark.
JASPER
This is the part where you run away.
(The men scramble to get away. He laughs.)
And stay out! (looks down and picks
up a piece of paper. Reads.) "Wanted.
Crystal Gems."(He sighs and
throws the paper over his shoulder.)
THE NEXT DAY
There is a line of Crystal Gems. The head of the guard
sits at a table paying people for bringing the Crystal Gems
to him. There are cages all around.
PERIDOT
Please, don't turn me in. I'll never
be annoying again. I can change. Please!
Give me another chance!
OLD WOMAN
Oh, shut up. (jerks his rope)
PERIDOT
Oh!
HEAD GUARD
Next! What have you got?
GREG
This little Gem hybrid.
STEVEN
I'm not a Gem! I'm a real boy
HEAD GUARD
Five shillings for the possessed child.
Take it away.
STEVEN
Father, please! Don't let them do this!
Help me!
Greg takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up
to the table.
HEAD GUARD
Next! What have you got?
OLD WOMAN
Well, I've got a talking Peridot.
HEAD GUARD
Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings,
if you can prove it.
OLD WOMAN
Oh, go ahead, little fella.
Peridot just looks up at her.
HEAD GUARD
Well?
OLD WOMAN
Oh, oh, she's just...she's just a little
nervous. She's really quite a chatterbox.
Talk, you boneheaded dolt...
HEAD GUARD
That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!
OLD WOMAN
No, no, she talks! He does. (pretends
to be Peridot) I can talk. I love to
talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing
you ever saw.
HEAD GUARD
Get her out of my sight.
OLD WOMAN
No, no! I swear! Oh! She can talk!
The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One
of her legs flies out and kicks Peridot
and she activates her metal powers. She takes a nearby trash lid and starts flying away.
PERIDOT
Hey! I can fly!
PEARL
She can fly!
3 Amethysts
She can fly!
HEAD GUARD
She can talk!
PERIDOT
Ha, ha! That's right, clod! Now I'm
a flying, talking peridot. You might
have seen a Lapis fly, maybe even a fusion fly
but I bet you ain't never seen a peridot
fly. Ha, ha! (Her metal powers begin to
wear off.) Uh-oh. (she begins to sink
to the ground.)
She hits the ground with a thud.
HEAD GUARD
Seize her! (Peridot takes off running.)
After her!
GUARDS
She's getting away! Get her! This way!
Turn!
Peridot keeps running and she eventually runs into Jasper. Literally.
Jasper turns around to see who bumped into her. Peridot looks scared
for a moment then she spots the guards coming up the path. She
quickly hides behind Jasper.
HEAD GUARD
You there. Jasper!
JASPER
Aye?
HEAD GUARD
By the order of Yellow Diamond I am authorized
to place you both under arrest and transport
you to a designated resettlement facility.
JASPER
Oh, really? You and what army?
She looks behind the guard and the guard turns to look as well
and we see that the other men have run off. The guard tucks tail
and runs off. Jasper laughs and goes back about her business and
begins walking back to her colony.
PERIDOT
Can I say something to you? Listen,
you was really, really, really somethin'
back here. Incredible!
JASPER
Are you talkin' to...(she turns around
and Peridot is gone) me? (she turns back
around and Peridot is right in front
of her.) Whoa!
PERIDOT Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell
you that you that you was great back
here? Those guards! They thought they
was all of that. Then you showed up,
and bam! They was trippin' over themselves
like babes in the woods. That really
made me feel good to see that.
JASPER
Oh, that's great. Really.
PERIDOT
Man, it's good to be free.
JASPER
Now, why don't you go celebrate your
freedom with your own friends? Hmm?
PERIDOT
But, uh, I don't have any friends. And
I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey,
wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll
stick with you. You're mean, orange,
fightin' machine. Together we'll scare
the spit out of anybody that crosses
us.
Jasper turns and regards Peridot for a moment before roaring very
loudly.
PERIDOT Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you
don't mind me sayin', if that don't
work, your breath certainly will get
the job done, 'cause you definitely
need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause
you breath stinks! You almost burned
the hair outta my nose, just like the
time...(Jasper covers her mouth but Peridot
continues to talk, so Jasper removes
her hand.) ...then I ate some rotten
berries. I had strong gases leaking
out of my butt that day.
JASPER
Why are you following me?
PERIDOT
I'll tell you why. (singing) 'Cause
I'm all alone, There's no one here beside
me, My problems have all gone, There's
no one to deride me, But you gotta have
friends...
JASPER
Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't
have any friends.
PERIDOT
Wow. Only a true friend would be that
cruelly honest.
JASPER
Listen, little peridot. Take a look at
me. What am I?
PERIDOT
(looks all the way up at Jasper) Uh ...really
tall?
JASPER
No! I'm a jasper! You know. "Grab your
torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that
bother you?
PERIDOT
Nope.
JASPER
Really?
PERIDOT
Really, really.
JASPER
Oh.
PERIDOT
Man, I like you. What's your name?
JASPER
Uh, Jasper.
PERIDOT
Jasper? Well, you know what I like about
you, Jasper? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me
thing. I like that. I respect that,
Jasper. You're all right. (They come over
a hill and you can see Jasper's colony.)
Whoa! Look at that. Who'd want to live
in place like that?
JASPER
That would be my home.
PERIDOT
Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful.
You know you are quite a decorator.
It's amazing what you've done with such
a modest budget. I like that boulder.
That is a nice boulder. I guess you
don't entertain much, do you?
JASPER
I like my privacy.
PERIDOT
You know, I do too. That's another thing
we have in common. Like I hate it when
you got somebody in your face. You're
trying to give them a hint, and they
won't leave. There's that awkward silence.
(awkward silence) Can I stay with you?
JASPER
Uh, what?
PERIDOT
Can I stay with you, please?
JASPER
(sarcastically) Of course!
PERIDOT
Really?
JASPER
No.
PERIDOT
Please! I don't wanna go back there!
You don't know what it's like to be
considered an outcast. (pause while she
looks at Jasper) Well, maybe you do.
But that's why we gotta stick together.
You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!
JASPER
Okay! Okay! But one night only.
PERIDOT
Ah! Thank you! (she runs inside the cottage)
JASPER
What are you...? (Peridot hops up onto
a chair.) No! No!
PERIDOT
This is gonna be fun! We can stay up
late, swappin' manly stories, and in
the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.
JASPER
GRRRR!
PERIDOT
Where do, uh, I sleep?
JASPER
(irritated) Outside!
PERIDOT
Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean,
I don't know you, and you don't know
me, so I guess outside is best, you
know. Here I go. Good night. (Jasper
slams the door.) (sigh) I mean, I do
like the outdoors. I'm a peridot. I was
born outside. I'll just be sitting by
myself outside, I guess, you know. By
myself, outside. I'm all alone...there's
no one here beside me...
JASPER'S COLONY - NIGHT
Jasper is getting ready for dinner. She sits herself down and lights
a candle made out of earwax. She begins to eat when she hears a
noise. She stands up with a huff.
JASPER
(to Peridot) I thought I told you to
stay outside.
PERIDOT
(from the window) I am outside.
There is another noise and Jasper turns to find the person that
made the noise. She sees several shadows moving. She finally turns
and spots 3 blind sapphires on her table.
BLIND SAPPHIRE1
Well, ladies, it's a far cry from Homeworld,
but what choice do we have?
BLIND SAPPHIRE2
It's not home, but it'll do just fine.
BLIND SAPPHIRE3
(bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed.
JASPER
Got ya. (Grabs a sapphire, but it escapes
and lands on her shoulder.)
BLIND SAPPHIRE3
I found some cheese. (bites Jasper's
head)
JASPER
Ow!
BLIND SAPPHIRE3
Blah! Awful stuff.
BLIND SAPPHIRE1
Is that you, Sapphire?
BLIND SAPPHIRE3
How did you know?
JASPER
Enough! (she grabs the 3 sapphires) What are
you doing in my house? (She gets bumped
from behind and she drops the sapphires.)
Hey! (she turns and sees seven gems
with a corrupted gem on the table.) Oh, no,
no, no. Dead broad off the table.
GEM
Where are we supposed to put her? The
bed's taken.
JASPER
Huh?
Jasper marches over to the bedroom and throws back the curtain.
Amethyst is sitting in the bed. Amethyst just looks at
her.
AMETHYST
What?
TIME LAPSE
Jasper now has Amethyst by the collar and is dragging
her to the front door.
JASPER
I live in a colony. I put up signs. I'm
a terrifying jasper! What do I have to
do get a little privacy? (She opens the
front door to throw Amethyst out and
she sees that all the collected Crystal
Gems are on his land.) Oh,
no. No! No!
JASPER
What are you doing in my colony? (this
echoes and everyone falls silent.)
Gasps are heard all around.
JASPER
All right, get out of here. All of you,
move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya!
Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Come on! (more
gems run inside the house) No, no!
No, no. Not there. Not there. (they
shut the door on him) Oh! (turns to
look at Peridot)
PERIDOT
Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite
them.
STEVEN
Oh, gosh, no one invited us.
JASPER
What?
STEVEN
We were forced to come here.
JASPER
(flabbergasted) By who?
AMETHYST
Yellow Diamond. She huffed and she puffed
and she...signed an eviction notice.
JASPER
(heavy sigh) All right. Who knows where
this Diamond guy is?
Everyone looks around at each other but no one answers.
PERIDOT
Oh, I do. I know where she is.
JASPER
Does anyone else know where to find
her? Anyone at all?
PERIDOT
Me! Me!
JASPER
Anyone?
PERIDOT
Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know!
Me, me!
JASPER
(sigh) Okay, fine. Attention, all Crystal
Gem things. Do not get comfortable.
Your welcome is officially worn out.
In fact, I'm gonna see this Yellow Diamond
right now and get you all off my land
and back where you came from! (Pause.
Then the crowd goes wild.) Oh! (to Peridot)
You! You're comin' with me.
PERIDOT
All right, that's what I like to hear,
man. Jasper and Peridot, two stalwart
friends, off on a whirlwind big-city
adventure. I love it!
PERIDOT
(singing) On the road again. Sing it
with me, Jasper. I can't wait to get
on the road again.
JASPER
What did I say about singing?
PERIDOT
Can I whistle?
JASPER
No.
PERIDOT
Can I hum it?
JASPER
All right, hum it.
Peridot begins to hum 'On the Road Again'.
YELLOW KITCHEN
A masked gem is torturing a ruby. She's continually
dunking her in a pool of water. Yellow Diamond walks in.
YELLOW DIAMOND
That's enough. She's ready to talk.
The ruby is pulled out of the water and slammed down
onto a chair. Yellow Diamond laughs as she walks over to the
chair. She clears her throat.
YELLOW DIAMOND
(she picks up the ruby's legs
and plays with them) Run, run, run,
as fast as you can. You can't catch
me. I'm a rebellious gem!
RUBY
You're a monster.
YELLOW DIAMOND
I'm not the monster here. You are. You
and the rest of that Crystal Gem trash,
poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell
me! Where are the others?
RUBY
Shatter me! (He spits into Yellow Diamond's
eye.)
YELLOW DIAMOND
I've tried to be fair to you rebels.
Now my patience has reached its end!
Tell me or I'll...(she makes as if to
pull off the ruby's gem)
RUBY
No, no, not the gem. Not my gem!
YELLOW DIAMOND
All right then. Who's hiding them?
RUBY
Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the
Fryman?
YELLOW DIAMOND
The Fryman?
RUBY
The Fryman.
YELLOW DIAMOND
Yes, I know the Fryman, who lives
on the boardwalk?
RUBY Well, she's married to the Fryman.
YELLOW DIAMOND
The Fryman?
RUBY
The Fryman!
YELLOW DIAMOND
She's married to the Fryman.
The door opens and the Head Guard walks in.
HEAD GUARD
My diamond! We found it.
YELLOW DIAMOND
Then what are you waiting for? Bring
it in.
More guards enter carrying something that is covered by a sheet.
They hang up whatever it is and remove the sheet. It is the Lapis in the mirror.
RUBY
(in awe) Ohhhh...
YELLOW DIAMOND
Gem mirror...
RUBY
Don't tell her anything! (Yellow Diamond picks
her up and dumps her into a trash can
with a lid.) No!
YELLOW DIAMOND
Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall.
Is this not the most perfect diamondship
of them all?
LAPIS
Well, technically you're not a diamond.
YELLOW DIAMOND
Uh, Pearl. (Yellow Pearl holds up a
hand mirror and smashes it with her
fist.) You were saying?
LAPIS
What I mean is you're not a diamond yet.
But you can become one. All you have
to do is marry a human.
YELLOW DIAMOND
Go on.
LAPIS
(chuckles nervously) So, just sit back
and relax, my diamond, because it's time
for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes.
And here they are! Bachelorette number
one is a mentally abused shut-in from
a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi
and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies
include cooking and cleaning for her
two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.
(shows picture of Cinderella) Bachelorette
number two is a cape-wearing girl from
the land of fancy. Although she lives
with seven other men, she's not easy.
Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and
find out what a live wire she is. Come
on. Give it up for Snow White! (shows
picture of Snow White) And last, but
certainly not least, bachelorette number
three is a fiery strawberry blonde from a corruption-guarded
castle surrounded by hot boiling acid!
But don't let that cool you off. She's
a loaded pistol who likes pina coladas
and getting caught in the rain. Yours
for the rescuing, Rose! (Shows
picture of Rose) So will it
be bachelorette number one, bachelorette
number two or bachelorette number three?
GUARDS
Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three!
YELLOW DIAMOND
Three? One? Three?
YELLOW PEARL
Three! (holds up 2 fingers) Pick number
three, my diamond!
YELLOW DIAMOND
Okay, okay, uh, number three!
LAPIS
Yellow Diamond, you've chosen Rose.
YELLOW DIAMOND
Rose. She's perfect. All I
have to do is just find someone who
can go...
LAPIS
But I probably should mention the little
thing that happens at night.
YELLOW DIAMOND
I'll do it.
LAPIS
Yes, but after sunset...
YELLOW DIAMOND
Silence! I will make this Rose
my queen, and Homeworld will finally have
the perfect diamond! Captain, assemble
your finest men. We're going to have
a tournament. (smiles evilly)
Yellow Parking Lot - Quartz Section
Jasper and Peridot come out of the field that is right by the parking
lot. The castle itself is about 40 stories high.
PERIDOT
But that's it. That's it right there.
That's Homeworld. I told ya I'd find it.
JASPER
So, that must be Yellow Diamond's castle.
PERIDOT
Uh-huh. That's the place.
JASPER
Do you think maybe she's compensating
for something? (She laughs, but then
groans as Peridot doesn't get the joke.
She continues walking through the parking
lot.)
PERIDOT
Hey, wait. Wait up, Jasper.
GEM
Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.
JASPER
Hey, you! (The attendant, who is wearing
a giant head that looks like Yellow Diamond,
screams and begins running through the
rows of rope to get to the front gate
to get away from Jasper.) Wait a second.
Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just
- - I just - - (She sighs and then begins
walking straight through the rows. The
attendant runs into a wall and falls
down. Jasper and Peridot look at him then
continue on into Homeworld.)
HOMEWORLD
They look around but all is quiet.
JASPER
It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody?
PERIDOT
Hey, look at this!
Peridot runs over and pulls a lever that is attached to a box
marked 'Information'. The music winds up and then the box doors
open up. There are little wooden gems inside and they begin
to sing.
WOODEN GEMS
Welcome to Homeworld such a perfect star
Here we have some rules
Do not wander far
Don't make waves, stay in line
And we'll get along fine
Homeworld is a perfect place
Please keep off of the grass
Shine your gems, wipe your... face
Homeworld is, Homeworld is
Homeworld is a perfect place.
Suddenly a camera takes Peridot and Jasper's picture.
PERIDOT
Wow! Let's do that again! (makes ready
to run over and pull the lever again)
JASPER
(grabs Peridot's hair and holds her still)
No. No. No, no, no! No.
They hear a trumpet fanfare and head over to the arena.
YELLOW DIAMOND
Brave knights. You are the best and
brightest in all the land. Today one
of you shall prove himself...
As Jasper and Peridot walk down the tunnel to get into the arena
Peridot is humming the Homeworld theme song.
JASPER
All right. You're going the right way
for a smacked bottom.
PERIDOT
Sorry about that.
YELLOW DIAMOND
That champion shall have the honor -
- no, no - - the privilege to go forth
and rescue the lovely Rose
from the acidic keep of the corruption. If
for any reason the winner is unsuccessful,
the first runner-up will take his place
and so on and so forth. Some of you
may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing
to make. (cheers) Let the tournament
begin! (She notices Jasper) Oh! What is
that? It's hideous!
JASPER
Ah, that's not very nice. (turns to look at Peridot and then back
at Yellow Diamond)
It's just a peridot.
YELLOW DIAMOND
Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who
kills the jasper will be named champion!
Have it her!
SOLDIERS
Get her!
JASPER
Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. (bumps
into a table where there are mugs of
beer)
CROWD
Go ahead! Get her!
JASPER
(holds up a mug of beer) Can't we just
settle this over a pint?
CROWD
Kill the beast!
JASPER
No? All right then. (drinks the beer)
Come on!
She takes the mug and smashes the spigot off the large barrel
of beer behind her. The beer comes rushing out drenching the
other soldiers and wetting the ground. It's like mud now. Jasper slides
past the men and picks up a spear that one of the men dropped.
As Jasper begins to fight Peridot hops up onto one of the larger
beer barrels. It breaks free of its ropes and begins to roll.
Peridot manages to squish two men into the mud. There is so much
fighting going on here I'm not going to go into detail. Suffice
to say that Jasper kicks butt.
PERIDOT
Hey, Jasper, tag me! Tag me!
Jasper comes over and bangs a man's head up against Peridot's. Jasper
gets up on the ropes and interacts with the crowd.
JASPER
Yeah!
A soldier tries to sneak up behind Jasper, but Jasper turns in time
and sees him.
WOMAN
The chair! Give him the chair!
Jasper smashes a chair over the guy's back. Finally all the men
are down. Peridot kicks one of them in the helmet, and the ding
sounds the end of the match. The audience goes wild.
JASPER
Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you
very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try
the veal! Ha, ha! (laughs)
The laughter stops as all of the guards turn their weapons on
Jasper.
HEAD GUARD
Shall I give the order, my diamond?
YELLOW DIAMOND
No, I have a better idea. People of
Homeworld, I give you our champion!
JASPER
What?
YELLOW DIAMOND
Congratulations, quartz. You're won the
honor of embarking on a great and noble
quest.
JASPER
Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest
to get my colony back.
YELLOW DIAMOND
Your colony?
JASPER
Yeah, my colony! Where you dumped those
Crystal Gems!
YELLOW DIAMOND
Indeed. All right, quartz. I'll make you
a deal. Go on this quest for me, and
I'll give you your colony back.
JASPER
Exactly the way it was?
YELLOW DIAMOND
Down to the last pebble-encrusted toadstool.
JASPER
And the squatters?
YELLOW DIAMOND
As good as gone.
JASPER
What kind of quest?
Time Lapse - Peridot and Jasper are now walking through the field
heading away from Homeworld. Jasper is munching on an onion.
PERIDOT
Let me get this straight. You're gonna
go fight a corruption and rescue a human
just so Yellow Diamond will give you back
a swamp which you only don't have because
he filled it full of rebels in the first
place. Is that about right?
JASPER
You know, maybe there's a good reason
peridots shouldn't talk.
PERIDOT
I don't get it. Why don't you just pull
some of that quartz stuff on her? Throttle
him, lay siege to her fortress, grind
her bones to make your bread, the whole
quartz trip.
JASPER
Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have
decapitated an entire village and put
their heads on a pike, gotten a knife,
cut open their spleen and drink their
fluids. Does that sound good to you?
PERIDOT
Uh, no, not really, no.
JASPER
For your information, there's a lot
more to jaspers than people think.
PERIDOT
Example?
JASPER
Example? Okay, um, jaspers are like onions.
(she holds out her onion)
PERIDOT
(sniffs the onion) They stink?
JASPER
Yes - - No!
PERIDOT
They make you cry?
JASPER
No!
PERIDOT
You leave them in the sun, they get
all brown, start sproutin' little white
hairs.
JASPER
No! Layers! Onions have layers. Jaspers
have layers! Onions have layers. You
get it? We both have layers. (she heaves
a sigh and then walks off)
PERIDOT
(trailing after Jasper) Oh, you both
have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know,
not everybody likes onions. Cake! Cakes have layers.
Everybody
loves cakes!
JASPER
I don't care... what everyone likes.
Jaspers are not like cakes.
PERIDOT
You know what else everybody likes?
Parfaits. Have you ever met a person,
you say, "Let's get some parfait," they
say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfait"?
Parfaits are delicious.
JASPER
No! You dense, irritating, miniature
technical stooge! Jaspers are like onions!
End of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.
PERIDOT
Parfaits may be the most delicious thing
on the whole damn planet.
JASPER
You know, I think I preferred your humming.
PERIDOT
Do you have a tissue or something? I'm
making a mess. Just the word parfait
make me start slobbering.
They head off. There is a montage of their journey. Walking through
a field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon. Jasper trying
to put the campfire out the next day and having a bit of a problem,
so Peridot pees on the fire to put it out.
CORRUPTION'S KEEP
Jasper and Peridot are walking up to the keep that's supposed to
house Rose. It appears to look like a giant acid pit.
PERIDOT
(sniffs) Ohh! Jasper! Did you do that?
You gotta warn somebody before you just
crack one off. My mouth was open and
everything.
JASPER
Believe me, Peridot, if it was me, you'd
be dead. (sniffs) It's brimstone. We
must be getting close.
PERIDOT
Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking
about it's the brimstone. I know what
I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It
didn't come off no stone neither.
They climb up the side of the keep and look down. There
is a small piece of rock right in the center and that is where
the castle is. It is surrounded by boiling acid. It looks very
foreboding.
JASPER
Sure, it's big enough, but look at the
location. (laughs...then the laugh turns
into a groan)
PERIDOT
Uh, Jasper? Uh, remember when you said
jaspers have layers?
JASPER
Oh, aye.
PERIDOT
Well, I have a bit of a confession to
make. Peridots don't have layers. We
wear our fear right out there on our
sleeves.
JASPER
Wait a second. Peridots don't have sleeves.
PERIDOT
You know what I mean.
JASPER
You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.
PERIDOT
No, I'm just a little uncomfortable
about being on a rickety bridge over
a boiling pit of acid!
JASPER
Come on, Peridot. I'm right here beside
ya, okay? For emotional support. We'll
just tackle this thing together one
little baby step at a time.
PERIDOT
Really?
JASPER
Really, really.
PERIDOT
Okay, that makes me feel so much better.
JASPER
Just keep moving. And don't look down.
PERIDOT
Okay, don't look down. Don't look down.
Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't
look down. (she steps through a rotting
board and ends up looking straight down
into the lava) Jasper! I'm lookin' down!
Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me
off, please!
JASPER
But you're already halfway.
PERIDOT
But I know that half is safe!
JASPER
Okay, fine. I don't have time for this.
You go back.
PERIDOT
Jasper, no! Wait!
JASPER
Just, Peridot - - Let's have a dance
then, shall we? (bounces and sways the
bridge)
PERIDOT
Don't do that!
JASPER
Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this? (bounces
the bridge again)
PERIDOT
Yes, that!
JASPER
Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. (continues to
bounce and sway as she backs Peridot across
the bridge)
PERIDOT
No, Jasper! No! Stop it!
JASPER
You said do it! I'm doin' it.
PERIDOT
I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Jasper,
I'm gonna die. (steps onto solid ground)
Oh!
JASPER
That'll do, Peridot. That'll do. (walks
towards the castle)
PERIDOT
Cool. So where is this acid-breathing
pain-in-the-neck anyway?
JASPER
Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.
(chuckles)
PERIDOT
I was talkin' about the corruption, Jasper.
INSIDE THE CASTLE
PERIDOT
You afraid?
JASPER
No.
PERIDOT
But...
JASPER
Shh.
PERIDOT
Oh, good. Me neither. (sees a skeleton
and gasps) 'Cause there's nothin' wrong
with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible
response to an unfamiliar situation.
Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might
add. With a corruption that breathes acid
and eats knights and breathes acid,
it sure doesn't mean you're a coward
if you're a little scared. I sure as
heck ain't no coward. I know that.
JASPER
Peridot, two things, okay? Shut ... up.
Now go over there and see if you can
find any stairs.
PERIDOT
Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for
the human.
JASPER
(putting on a helmet) The human will
be up the stairs in the highest room
in the tallest tower.
PERIDOT
What makes you think she'll be there?
JASPER
I read it in a book once. (walks off)
PERIDOT
Cool. You handle the corruption. I'll handle
the stairs. I'll find those stairs.
I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs
won't know which way they're goin'.
(walks off)
EMPTY ROOM
Peridot is still talking to herself as she looks around the room.
PERIDOT
I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it
to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm
the stair master. I've mastered the
stairs. I wish I had a step right here.
I'd step all over it.
ELSEWHERE
Jasper spots a light in the tallest tower window.
JASPER
Well, at least we know where the princess
is, but where's the...
PERIDOT
Corruption!
Peridot gasps and takes off running as the corruption roars again.
Jasper manages to grab Peridot out of the way just as the corruption
breathes acid.
JASPER
Peridot, look out! (she manages to get
a hold of the corruption's tail and holds
on) Got ya!
The corruption gets irritated at this and flicks its tail and Jasper
goes flying through the air and crashes through the roof of the
tallest tower. Rose wakes up with a jerk and looks at her lying
on the floor.
PERIDOT
Oh! Aah! Aah!
Peridot get cornered as the Dragon knocks away all but a small
part of the bridge she's on.
PERIDOT
No. Oh, no, No! (the corruption roars) Oh,
what large mandibles you have. (the corruption
growls) I mean nice, strong mandibles.
I know you probably hear this all time
from your food, but you must clean real well,
'cause that is one dazzling smile you
got there. Do I detect a hint of minty
freshness? And you know what else? You're
- - You're a Centipeetle! Oh, sure!
I mean, of course you're a Centipeetle.
You're just reeking of feminine beauty.
(the corruption begins fluttering her eyes
at her) What's the matter with you?
You got something in your gem? Ohh.
Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay,
but you know, I'm, uh...(the corruption
blows an acidic smoke ring in the shape of a
heart right at her, and she coughs) I'm
an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd
work out if you're gonna blow smoke
rings. Jasper! (the corruption picks her
up with her mandibles and carries her off)
No! Jasper! Jasper! Jasper!
ROSE'S ROOM
Jasper groans as she gets up off the floor. Her back is to Rose
so she straightens her dress and lays back down on the bed. She
then quickly reaches over and gets the bouquet of flowers off
the side table. She then lays back down and appears to be asleep.
Jasper turns and goes over to her. She looks down at Rose for
a moment and she puckers her lips. Jasper takes her by the shoulders
and shakes her away.
ROSE
Oh! Oh!
JASPER
Wake up!
ROSE
What?
JASPER
Are you Rose?
ROSE
I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to
rescue me.
JASPER
Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!
ROSE
But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our
first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful,
romantic moment?
JASPER
Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.
ROSE
Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should
sweep me off my feet out yonder window
and down a rope onto your valiant steed.
JASPER
You've had a lot of time to plan this,
haven't you?
ROSE
(smiles) Mm-hmm.
Jasper breaks the lock on her door and pulls her out and down
the hallway.
ROSE
But we have to savor this moment! You
could recite an epic poem for me. A
ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!
JASPER
I don't think so.
ROSE
Can I at least know the name of my champion?
JASPER
Uh, Jasper.
ROSE
Sir Jasper. (clears throat and holds
out a handkerchief) I pray that you
take this favor as a token of my gratitude.
JASPER
Thanks!
Suddenly they hear the corruption roar.
ROSE
(surprised)You didn't slay the corruption?
JASPER
It's on my to-do list. Now come on!
(takes off running and drags Rose behind
him.)
ROSE
But this isn't right! You were meant
to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying.
That's what all the other knights did.
JASPER
Yeah, right before they burst into flame.
ROSE
That's not the point. (Jasper suddenly
stops and she runs into her.) Oh! (Jasper
ignores her and heads for a wooden door
off to the side.) Wait. Where are you
going? The exit's over there.
JASPER
Well, I have to save my smartass.
ROSE
What kind of knight are you?
JASPER
One of a kind. (opens the door into
the throne room)
PERIDOT
Slow down. Slow down, baby, please.
I believe it's healthy to get to know
someone over a long period of time.
Just call me old-fashioned. (laughs
worriedly) (we see her up close and
from a distance as Jasper sneaks into
the room) I don't want to rush into
a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally
ready for a commitment of, uh, this
- - Magnitude really is the word I'm
looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that
is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what
are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just
back up a little and take this one step
at a time. We really should get to know
each other first as friends or pen pals.
I'm on the road a lot, but I just love
receiving cards - - I'd really love
to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's
my hair! That's my personal hair. You're
gonna tear it off. I don't give permission
- - What are you gonna do with that?
Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No.
No, no, no. No! Oh!
Jasper grabs a chain that's connected to the chandelier and swings
toward the corruption. She misses and she swings back again. She looks
up and spots that the chandelier is right above the corruption's head.
She pulls on the chain and it releases and she falls down and bumps
Peridot out of the way right as the corruption is about to kiss her.
Instead the corruption kisses Jasper's butt. She opens her eyes and
roars. Jasper lets go of the chain and the chandelier falls onto
her head, but it's too big and it goes over her head and forms
a sort of collar for her. She roars again and Jasper and Peridot
take off running. Very 'Matrix' style. Jasper grabs Peridot and
then grabs Rose as she runs past her.
PERIDOT
Hi, human!
ROSE
It talks!
JASPER
Yeah, it's getting her to shut up that's
the trick.
They all start screaming as the corruption gains on them. Jasper spots
a descending slide and jumps on. But unfortunately there is a
crack in the stone and it hits Jasper right in the groin. Her
eyes cross and as she reaches the bottom of the slide he stumbles
off and walks lightly.
JASPER
Oh!
Jasper gets them close to the exit and sets down Peridot and Rose.
JASPER
Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll
take care of the dragon.
Jasper grabs a sword and heads back toward the interior of the
castle. She throws the sword down in between several overlapping
chain links. The chain links are attached to the chandelier that
is still around the corruption's neck.
JASPER
(echoing) Run!
They all take off running for the exit with the corruption in hot
pursuit. They make it to the bridge and head across. The corruption
breathes acid and the bridge begins to burn. They all hang on
for dear life as the ropes holding the bridge up collapse. They
are swung to the other side. As they hang upside down they look
in horror as the corruption makes to jump over the boiling acid to
get them. But suddenly the chandelier with the chain jerks the
corruption back and she's unable to get to them. Our gang climbs
quickly to safety as the Centipeetle looks angry and then gives a
sad whimper as she watches Peridot walk away.
ROSE
(sliding down the hill) You
did it! You rescued me! You're amazing.
(behind her Peridot falls down the hill)
You're - - You're wonderful. You're...
(turns and sees Jasper fall down the
hill and bump into Peridot) a little
unorthodox I'll admit. But thy deed
is great, and thy heart is pure. I am
eternally in your debt. (Peridot clears
his throat.) And where would a brave
knight be without his noble companion?
PERIDOT
I hope you heard that. She called me
a noble companion. She thinks I'm a companion.
ROSE
The battle is won. You may remove your
helmet, good Sir Knight.
JASPER
Uh, no.
ROSE
Why not?
JASPER
I have helmet hair.
ROSE
Please. I would'st look upon the face
of my rescuer.
JASPER
No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.
ROSE
But how will you kiss me?
JASPER
What? (to Peridot) That wasn't in the
job description.
PERIDOT
Maybe it's a perk.
ROSE
No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know
how it goes. A human locked in a
tower and beset by a beast is rescued
by a brave knight, and then they share
true love's first kiss.
PERIDOT
Hmm? With Jasper? You think- - Wait.
Wait. You think that Jasper is you true
love?
ROSE
Well, yes.
Both Peridot and Jasper burst out laughing.
PERIDOT
You think Jasper is your true love!
ROSE
What is so funny?
JASPER
Let's just say I'm not your type, okay?
ROSE
Of course, you are. You're my rescuer.
Now - - Now remove your helmet.
JASPER
Look. I really don't think this is a
good idea.
ROSE
Just take off the helmet.
JASPER
I'm not going to.
ROSE
Take it off.
JASPER
No!
ROSE
Now!
JASPER
Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.
(takes off his helmet)
ROSE
You- - You're a- - a jasper.
JASPER
Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.
ROSE
Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is
all wrong. You're not supposed to be
a jasper.
JASPER
Human, I was sent to rescue you by
Yellow Diamond, okay? She is the one who
wants to marry you.
ROSE
Then why didn't she come rescue me?
JASPER
Good question. You should ask her that
when we get there.
ROSE
But I have to be rescued by my true
love, not by some quartz and his- - his
crony.
PERIDOT
Well, so much for noble companion.
JASPER
You're not making my job any easier.
ROSE
I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem.
You can tell Yellow Diamond that if she
wants to rescue me properly, I'll be
waiting for her right here.
JASPER
Hey! I'm no one's pearl, all
right? (ominous) I'm a quartz.
(she swiftly picks her up and swings
her over her shoulder like she was a
sack of potatoes)
ROSE
You wouldn't dare. Put me down!
JASPER
Ya comin', Peridot?
PERIDOT
I'm right behind ya.
ROSE
Put me down, or you will suffer the
consequences! This is not dignified!
Put me down!
WOODS
A little time has passed and Rose has calmed down. She just
hangs there limply while Jasper carries her.
PERIDOT
Okay, so here's another question. Say
there's a woman that digs you, right,
but you don't really like her that way.
How do you let her down real easy so
her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't
get burned to a crisp and eaten?
ROSE
You just tell her she's not your true
love. Everyone knows what happens when
you find your...(Jasper drops her on
the ground) Hey! The sooner we get to
Homeworld the better.
PERIDOT
You're gonna love it there, Princess.
It's beautiful!
ROSE
And what of my groom-to-be? Yellow Diamond?
What's she like?
JASPER
Let me put it this way, human. Gems
of Yellow Diamond's stature are in tall order.
(he and Peridot laugh)
Jasper then proceeds to splash water onto his face to wash off
the dust and grime.
PERIDOT
I don't know. There are those who think
highly of her. (they laugh again)
ROSE
Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're
just jealous you can never measure up
to a great ruler like Yellow Diamond.
JASPER
Yeah, well, maybe you're right, human.
But I'll let you do the "measuring"
when you see her tomorrow.
ROSE
(looks at the setting sun) Tomorrow?
It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop
to make camp?
JASPER
No, that'll take longer. We can keep
going.
ROSE
But there's robbers in the woods.
PERIDOT
Whoa! Time out, Jasper! Camp is starting
to sound good.
JASPER
Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything
we're going to see in this forest.
ROSE
I need to find somewhere to camp now!
Both Peridot and Jasper's ears lower as they shrink away from her.
MOUNTAIN CLIFF
Jasper has found a cave that appears to be in good order. She shoves
a stone boulder out of the way to reveal the cave.
JASPER
Hey! Over here.
PERIDOT
Jasper, we can do better than that. I
don't think this is fit for a human.
ROSE
No, no, it's perfect. It just needs
a few homey touches.
JASPER
Homey touches? Like what? (she hears
a tearing noise and looks over at Rose
who has torn the bark off of a tree.)
ROSE
A door? Well, gems, I bid thee
good night. (goes into the cave and
puts the bark door up behind her)
PERIDOT
You want me to read you a bedtime story?
I will.
ROSE
I said good night!
Jasper looks at Peridot for a second and then goes to move the
boulder back in front of the entrance to the cave with Rose
still inside.
PERIDOT
Jasper, What are you doing?
JASPER
(laughs) I just- - You know - - Oh,
come on. I was just kidding.
LATER THAT NIGHT
Jasper and Peridot are sitting around a campfire. They are staring
up into the sky as Jasper points out certain star constellations
to Peridot.
JASPER
And, uh, that one, that's Throwback,
the only quartz to ever spit over three
wheat fields.
PERIDOT
Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future
from these stars?
JASPER
The stars don't tell the future, Peridot.
They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut,
the Flatulent. You can guess what she's
famous for.
PERIDOT
I know you're making this up.
JASPER
No, look. There she is, and there's the
group of hunters running away from her
stench.
PERIDOT
That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little
dots.
JASPER
You know, Peridot, sometimes things are
more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.
PERIDOT
(heaves a big sigh) Hey, Jasper, what
we gonna do when we get our colony anyway?
JASPER
Our colony?
PERIDOT
You know, when we're through rescuing
the human.
JASPER
We? Peridot, there's no "we". There's
no "our". There's just me and my colony.
The first thing I'm gonna do is build
a ten-foot wall around my land.
PERIDOT
You cut me deep, Jasper. You cut me real
deep just now. You know what I think?
I think this whole wall thing is just
a way to keep somebody out.
JASPER
No, do ya think?
PERIDOT
Are you hidin' something?
JASPER
Never mind, Peridot.
PERIDOT
Oh, this is another one of those onion
things, isn't it?
JASPER
No, this is one of those drop-it and
leave-it alone things.
PERIDOT
Why don't you want to talk about it?
JASPER
Why do you want to talk about it?
PERIDOT
Why are you blocking?
JASPER
I'm not blocking.
PERIDOT
Oh, yes, you are.
JASPER
Peridot, I'm warning you.
PERIDOT
Who you trying to keep out?
JASPER
Everyone! Okay?
PERIDOT
(pause) Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.
(grins)
At this point Rose pulls the 'door' away from the entrance to
the cave and peaks out. Neither of them see her.
JASPER
Oh! For the love of Pete! (gets up and
walks over to the edge of the cliff
and sits down)
PERIDOT
What's your problem? What you got against
the whole world anyway?
JASPER
Look, I'm not the one with the problem,
okay? It's the world that seems to have
a problem with me. People take one look
at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big,
stupid, ugly jasper!" They judge me before
they even know me. That's why I'm better
off alone.
PERIDOT
You know what? When we met, I didn't
think you was just a big, stupid, ugly
jasper.
JASPER
Yeah, I know.
PERIDOT
So, uh, are there any Peridots up there?
JASPER
Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small
and Annoying.
PERIDOT
Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny
one, right there. That one there?
Rose puts the door back.
JASPER
That's the moon.
PERIDOT
Oh, okay.
Homeworld – Yellow Diamond's Bedroom
The camera pans over a lot of wedding stuff. Soft music plays
in the background. Yellow Diamond is in bed, watching as Lapis Lazuli
shows her Rose.
YELLOW DIAMOND
Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror,
show her to me. Show me the human.
LAPIS
Hmph.
The Mirror rewinds and begins to play again from the beginning.
YELLOW DIAMOND
Ah. Perfect.
Yellow Diamond looks down at her bare chest and pulls the sheet up
to cover herself as though Rose could see her as she gazes sheepishly
at her image in the mirror.
MORNING
Rose walks out of the cave. She glances at Jasper and Peridot
who are still sleeping. She wanders off into the woods and comes
across a blue bird. She begins to sing. The bird sings along
with her. She hits higher and higher notes and the bird struggles
to keep up with her. Suddenly the pressure of the note is too
big and the bird explodes. Rose looks a little sheepish, but
she eyes the eggs that the bird left behind. Time lapse, Rose
is now cooking the eggs for breakfast. Jasper and Peridot are still
sleeping. Jasper wakes up and looks at Rose. Peridot's talking
in his sleep.
PERIDOT
(quietly) Mmm, yeah, you know I like
it like that. Come on, baby. I said
I like it.
JASPER
Peridot, wake up. (shakes her)
PERIDOT
Huh? What?
JASPER
Wake up.
PERIDOT
What? (stretches and yawns)
ROSE
Good morning. Hm, how do you like your
eggs?
PERIDOT
Oh, good morning, human!
Rose gets up and sets the eggs down in front of them.
JASPER
What's all this about?
ROSE
You know, we kind of got off to a bad
start yesterday. I wanted to make it
up to you. I mean, after all, you did
rescue me.
JASPER
Uh, thanks.
Peridot sniffs the eggs and licks his lips.
ROSE
Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead
of us. (walks off)
LATER
They are once again on their way. They are walking through the
forest. Jasper belches.
PERIDOT
Jasper!
JASPER
What? It's a compliment. Better out
than in, I always say. (laughs)
PERIDOT
Well, it's no way to behave in front
of a human.
Rose belches
ROSE
Thanks.
PERIDOT
She's as nasty as you are.
JASPER
(chuckles) You know, you're not exactly
what I expected.
ROSE
Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people
before you get to know them.
She smiles and then continues walking, singing softly. Suddenly
from out of nowhere, a man swings down and swoops Rose up into
a tree.
KEVIN HOOD
La liberte! Hey!
JASPER
Human!
ROSE
(to Kevin Hood) What are you doing?
KEVIN HOOD
Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior!
And I am rescuing you from this orange...(kisses
up her arm while Rose pulls back in
disgust)...beast.
JASPER
Hey! That's my human! Go find you
own!
KEVIN HOOD
Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a
little busy here?
ROSE
(getting fed up) Look, pal, I don't
know who you think you are!
KEVIN HOOD
Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude. Please
let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men.
(laughs)
Suddenly an accordion begins to play and the Merry men pop out
from the bushes. They begin to sing Kevin's theme song.
MERRY MEN
Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.
KEVIN HOOD
I steal from the poor and give to the
rich.
MERRY MEN
He takes a large amount,
KEVIN HOOD
But I'm not a bitch. I rescue pretty
women, man, I'm good.
MERRY MEN
What a guy, Kevin Hood.
KEVIN HOOD
Break it down. I like an honest race
and a saucy little maid...
MERRY MEN
What he's basically saying is he likes
to get...
KEVIN HOOD
Laid. So...When a jasper in the bush
grabs a lady by the tush. That's bad.
MERRY MEN
That's bad.
KEVIN HOOD
When a beauty's with a beast it makes
me awfully mad.
MERRY MEN
He's mad, he's really, really mad.
KEVIN HOOD
I'll take my blade and ram it through
your heart, keep your eyes on me, boys
'cause I'm about to start...
There is a grunt as Rose swings down from the tree limb and
knocks Kevin Hood unconscious.
ROSE
Man, that was annoying!
Jasper looks at her in admiration.
MERRY MAN
Oh, you little- - (shoots an arrow at
Rose but she ducks out of the way)
The arrow flies toward Peridot who jumps into Jasper's arms to
get out of the way. The arrow proceeds to just bounce off a tree.
Another fight sequence begins and Rose gives a karate yell and
then proceeds to beat the crap out of the Merry Men. There is
a very interesting 'Matrix' moment here when Rose pauses in
mid-air to fix her hair. Finally all of the Merry Men are down,
and Rose begins walking away.
ROSE
Uh, shall we?
JASPER
Hold the phone. (drops Peridot and begins
walking after Rose) Oh! Whoa, whoa,
whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come
from?
ROSE
What?
JASPER
That! Back there. That was amazing!
Where did you learn that?
ROSE
Well...(laughs) when one lives alone,
uh, one has to learn these things in
case there's a...(gasps and points)
there's an arrow in your butt!
JASPER
What? (turns and looks) Oh, would you
look at that? (she goes to pull it out
but flinches because it's tender)
ROSE
Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so
sorry.
PERIDOT
(walking up) Why? What's wrong?
ROSE
Jasper's hurt.
PERIDOT
Jasper's hurt. Jasper's hurt? Oh, no,
Jasper's gonna die.
JASPER
Peridot, I'm okay.
PERIDOT
You can't do this to me, Jasper. I'm
too young for you to die. Keep your legs
elevated. Turn your head and cough.
Does anyone know the Heimlich?
ROSE
Peridot! Calm down. If you want to help
Jasper, run into the woods and find me
a blue flower with red thorns.
PERIDOT
Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on
it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die
Jasper. If you see a long tunnel, stay
away from the light!
JASPER & ROSE
Peridot!
PERIDOT
Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.
(runs off)
JASPER
What are the flowers for?
ROSE
(like it's obvious) For getting rid
of Peridot.
JASPER
Ah.
ROSE
Now you hold still, and I'll yank this
thing out. (gives the arrow a little
pull)
JASPER
(jumps away) Ow! Hey! Easy with the
yankin'.
As they continue to talk Rose keeps going after the arrow and
Jasper keeps dodging her hands.
ROSE
I'm sorry, but it has to come out.
JASPER
No, it's tender.
ROSE
Now, hold on.
JASPER
What you're doing is the opposite of
help.
ROSE
Don't move.
JASPER
Look, time out.
ROSE
Would you...(grunts as Jasper puts her
hand over her face to stop her from
getting at the arrow) Okay. What do
you propose we do?
ELSEWHERE
Peridot is still looking for the special flower.
PERIDOT
Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower,
red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns.
This would be so much easier if I knew what a flower was!
Blue flower, red thorns.
JASPER
(offscreen) Ow!
PERIDOT
Hold on, Jasper! I'm comin'! (rips a
flower off a nearby bush that just happens
to be a blue flower with red thorns)
THE FOREST PATH
JASPER
Ow! Not good.
ROSE
Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.
(Jasper grunts as she pulls) It's just
about...
JASPER
Ow! Ohh! (she jerks and manages to fall
over with Rose on top of her)
PERIDOT
Ahem.
JASPER
(throwing Rose off of him) Nothing
happened. We were just, uh - -
PERIDOT
Look, if you wanted to be alone, all
you had to do was ask. Okay?
JASPER
Oh, come on! That's the last thing on
my mind. The human here was just-
- (Rose pulls the arrow out) Ugh! (she
turns to look at Rose who holds up
the arrow with a smile) Ow!
PERIDOT
Hey, what's that? (nervous chuckle)
That's...is that blood?
Peridot faints. Jasper walks over and picks her up as they continue
on their way.
There is a montage of scenes as the group heads back to Homeworld.
Jasper crawling up to the top of a tree to make it fall over a
small brook so that Rose won't get wet. Jasper then gets up as
Peridot is just about to cross the tree and the tree swings back
into its upright position and Peridot flies off. Jasper swatting
at a bunch of flies and mosquitoes. Rose grabs a nearby spiderweb
that's on a tree branch and runs through the field swinging it
around to catch the bugs. She then hands it to Jasper who begins
eating like it's a treat. As she walks off she licks her fingers.
Jasper catching a toad and blowing it up like a balloon and presenting
it to Rose. Rose catching a snake, blowing it up, fashioning
it into a balloon animal and presenting it to Jasper. The group
arriving at a windmill that is near Homeworld.
WINDMILL
JASPER
There it is, human. Your future awaits
you.
ROSE
That's Homeworld?
PERIDOT
Yeah, I know. You know, Jasper thinks
Yellow Diamond's compensating for something,
which I think means she has a really...(Jasper
steps on her foot) Ow!
JASPER
Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move
on.
ROSE
Sure. But, Jasper? I'm - - I'm worried
about Peridot.
JASPER
What?
ROSE
I mean, look at her. She doesn't look
so good.
PERIDOT
What are you talking about? I'm fine.
ROSE
(kneels to look her in the eyes) That's
what they always say, and then next
thing you know, you're on your back.
(pause) Dead.
JASPER
You know, she's right. You look awful.
Do you want to sit down?
ROSE
Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.
PERIDOT
I didn't want to say nothin', but I
got this twinge in my neck, and when
I turn my head like this, look, (turns
his neck in a very sharp way until his
head is completely sideways) Ow! See?
JASPER
Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.
ROSE
I'll get the firewood.
PERIDOT
Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't
feel my toes! (looks down and yelps)
I don't have any toes! I think I need
a hug.
SUNSET
Jasper has built a fire and is cooking the rest of dinner while
Rose eats.
ROSE
Mmm. This is good. This is really good.
What is this?
JASPER
Uh, weed rat. Rotisserie style.
ROSE
No kidding. Well, this is delicious.
JASPER
Well, they're also great in stews. Now,
I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean
weed rat stew. (chuckles)
Rose looks at Homeworld and sighs.
ROSE
I guess I'll be dining a little differently
tomorrow night.
JASPER
Maybe you can come visit me at the colony
sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff
for you. Toad soup, fish eye tartare
- - you name it.
ROSE
(smiles) I'd like that.
They smile at each other.
JASPER
Um, human?
ROSE
Yes, Jasper?
JASPER
I, um, I was wondering...are you...(sighs)
Are you gonna eat that?
PERIDOT
(chuckles) Man, isn't this romantic?
Just look at that sunset.
ROSE
(jumps up) Sunset? Oh, no! I mean, it's
late. I-It's very late.
JASPER
What?
PERIDOT
Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on
here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't
you?
ROSE
Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified.
You know, I'd better go inside.
PERIDOT
Don't feel bad, human. I used to
be afraid of the dark, too, until -
- Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of
the dark.
Jasper sighs
ROSE
Good night.
JASPER
Good night.
Rose goes inside the windmill and closes the door. Peridot looks
at Jasper with a new eye.
PERIDOT
Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on
here.
JASPER
Oh, what are you talkin' about?
PERIDOT
I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm
a peridot, and I got instincts. And
I know you two were diggin' on each
other. I could feel it.
JASPER
You're crazy. I'm just bringing her
back to Yellow Diamond.
PERIDOT
Oh, come on, Jasper. Wake up and smell
the pheromones. Just go on in and tell
her how you feel.
JASPER
I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides,
even if I did tell her that, well, you
know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause
I don't - - she's a human, and I'm
PERIDOT
A quartz?
JASPER
Yeah. A quartz.
PERIDOT
Hey, where you goin'?
JASPER
To get... more firewood. (sighs)
Peridot looks over at the large pile of firewood there already
is.
TIME LAPSE
Peridot opens the door to the Windmill and walks in. Rose is
nowhere to be seen.
PERIDOT
Human? Rose? Human,
where are you? Human?
Rose looks at Peridot from the shadows, but we can't see her.
PERIDOT
It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing
no games.
Suddenly Rose falls from the railing. She gets up only she doesn't
look like herself. She looks like a quartz and Peridot starts freaking
out.
PERIDOT
Aah!
ROSE QUARTZ
Oh, no!
PERIDOT
No, help!
ROSE QUARTZ
Shh!
PERIDOT
Jasper! Jasper! Jasper!
ROSE QUARTZ
No, it's okay. It's okay.
PERIDOT
What did you do with the human?
ROSE QUARTZ
Peridot, I'm the human.
PERIDOT
Aah!
ROSE QUARTZ
It's me, in this body.
PERIDOT
Oh, my God! You ate the human. (to
her stomach) Can you hear me?
ROSE QUARTZ
Peridot!
PERIDOT
(still aimed at her stomach) Listen,
keep breathing! I'll get you out of
there!
ROSE QUARTZ
No!
PERIDOT
Jasper! Jasper! Jasper!
ROSE QUARTZ
Shh.
PERIDOT
Jasper!
ROSE QUARTZ
This is me.
Peridot looks into her eyes as she pets his muzzle, and she quiets
down.
PERIDOT
Princess? What happened to you? You're,
uh, uh, uh, different.
ROSE QUARTZ
I'm ugly, okay?
PERIDOT
Well, yeah! Was it something you ate?
'Cause I told Jasper those rats was a
bad idea. You are what you eat, I said.
Now - -
ROSE QUARTZ
No. I - - I've been this way as long
as I can remember.
PERIDOT
What do you mean? Look, I ain't never
seen you like this before.
ROSE QUARTZ
It only happens when sun goes down.
"By night one way, by day another. This
shall be the norm... until you find
true love's first kiss... and then take
love's true form."
PERIDOT
Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know
you wrote poetry.
ROSE QUARTZ
It's a spell. (sigh) When I was a little
girl, a gem cast a spell on me. Every
night I become this. This horrible,
ugly beast! I was placed in a tower
to await the day my true love would
rescue me. That's why I have to marry
Yellow Diamond tomorrow before the sun
sets and she sees me like this. (begins
to cry)
PERIDOT
All right, all right. Calm down. Look,
it's not that bad. You're not that ugly.
Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly.
But you only look like this at night.
Jasper's ugly 24-7.
ROSE QUARTZ
But Peridot, I'm a human, and this
is not how a human is meant to look.
PERIDOT
Human, how 'bout if you don't marry
Yellow Diamond?
ROSE QUARTZ
I have to. Only my true love's kiss
can break the spell.
PERIDOT
But, you know, um, you're kind of a
quartz, and Jasper - - well, you got a
lot in common.
ROSE
Jasper?
OUTSIDE
Jasper is walking towards the windmill with a sunflower in her
hand.
JASPER
(to herself) Human, I - - Uh, how's
it going, first of all? Good? Um, good
for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower
and thought of you because it's pretty
and - - well, I don't really like it,
but I thought you might like it 'cause
you're pretty. But I like you anyway.
I'd - - uh, uh...(sighs) I'm in trouble.
Okay, here we go.
She walks up to the door and pauses outside when she hears Peridot
and Rose talking.
ROSE QUARTZ
(offscreen) I can't just marry whoever I want.
Take a good look at me, Peridot. I mean,
really, who can ever love a beast so
hideous and ugly? "Human" and "ugly"
don't go together. That's why I can't
stay here with Jasper.
Jasper steps back in shock.
ROSE QUARTZ
(offscreen) My only chance to live happily
ever after is to marry my true love.
Jasper heaves a deep sigh. She throws the flower down and walks
away.
INSIDE
ROSE QUARTZ
Don't you see, Peridot? That's just how
it has to be. It's the only way to break
the spell.
PERIDOT
You at least gotta tell Jasper the truth.
ROSE QUARTZ
No! You can't breathe a word. No one
must ever know.
PERIDOT
What's the point of being able to talk
if you gotta keep secrets?
ROSE QUARTZ
Promise you won't tell. Promise!
PERIDOT
All right, all right. I won't tell her.
But you should. (goes outside) I just
know before this is over, I'm gonna
need a whole lot of serious therapy.
Look at my eye twitchin'.
Rose comes out the door and watches her walk away. She looks
down and spots the sunflower. She picks it up before going back
inside the windmill.
MORNING
Peridot is asleep. Jasper is nowhere to be seen. Rose is still
awake. She is plucking petals from the sunflower.
ROSE QUARTZ
I tell her, I tell her not. I tell her,
I tell her not. I tell her. (she quickly
runs to the door and goes outside) Jasper!
Jasper, there's something I want...(she
looks and sees the rising sun, and as
the sun crests the sky she turns back
into a human.)
Just as she looks back at the sun she sees Jasper stomping towards
her.
ROSE
Jasper. Are you all right?
JASPER
Perfect! Never been better.
ROSE
I - - I don't - - There's something
I have to tell you.
JASPER
You don't have to tell me anything,
human. I heard enough last night.
ROSE
You heard what I said?
JASPER
Every word.
ROSE
I thought you'd understand.
JASPER
Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who
could love a hideous, ugly beast?"
ROSE
But I thought that wouldn't matter to
you.
JASPER
Yeah? Well, it does. (Rose looks at
him in shock. She looks past her and
spots a group approaching.) Ah, right
on time. Human, I've brought you
a little something.
Yellow Diamond has arrived with a group of her men. She looks very regal
sitting up on her horse.
Peridot wakes up with a yawn as the soldiers
march by.
PERIDOT
What'd I miss? What'd I miss? (spots
the soldiers) (muffled) Who said that?
Couldn't have been the peridot.
YELLOW DIAMOND
Rose.
JASPER
As promised. Now hand it over.
YELLOW DIAMOND
Very well, quartz. (holds out a piece
of paper) The deed to your colony, cleared
out, as agreed. Take it and go before
I change my mind. (Jasper takes the paper)
Forgive me, human, for startling
you, but you startled me, for I have
never seen such a radiant beauty before.
I'm Yellow Diamond.
ROSE
Yellow Diamond? Oh, no, no.
Forgive me, my diamond,
for I was just saying a short... (Watches
as Yellow Diamond steps off her horse.
Rose comes up to her knees.)
farewell.
YELLOW DIAMOND
Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have
to waste good manners on the jasper. It's
not like it has feelings.
ROSE
No, you're right. It doesn't.
Peridot watches this exchange with a curious look on her face.
YELLOW DIAMOND
Rose, beautiful, fair, flawless
Rose. I ask your hand in marriage.
Will you be the perfect bride for the
perfect groom?
ROSE
Yellow Diamond, I accept. Nothing would
make - -
YELLOW DIAMOND
(interrupting) Excellent! I'll start
the plans, for tomorrow we wed!
ROSE
No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get
married today before the sun sets.
YELLOW DIAMOND
Oh, anxious, are you? You're right.
The sooner, the better. There's so much
to do! There's the caterer, the cake,
the band, the guest list. Captain, round
up some guests! (a guard puts Rose
on the back of her horse)
ROSE
Fare-thee-well, quartz.
Yellow Diamond's whole party begins to head back to Homeworld. Peridot watches
them go.
PERIDOT
Jasper, what are you doing? You're letting
her get away.
JASPER
Yeah? So what?
PERIDOT
Jasper, there's something about her you
don't know. Look, I talked to her last
night, She's - -
JASPER
I know you talked to her last night.
You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if
you two are such good friends, why don't
you follow her home?
PERIDOT
Jasper, I - - I wanna go with you.
JASPER
I told you, didn't I? You're not coming
home with me. I live alone! My colony!
Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody!
Especially useless, pathetic, annoying,
talking peridots!
PERIDOT
But I thought - -
JASPER
Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong!
(stomps off)
PERIDOT
Jasper.
Montage of different scenes. Jasper arriving back home. Rose
being fitted for the wedding dress. Peridot at a stream running
into the corruption. Jasper cleaning up her house. Rose eating dinner
alone. Jasper eating dinner alone.
JASPER'S HOME
Jasper is eating dinner when she hears a sound outside. She goes
outside to investigate.
JASPER
Peridot? (Peridot ignores her and continues
with what she's doing.) What are you
doing?
PERIDOT
I would think, of all people, you would
recognize a wall when you see one.
JASPER
Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed
to go around my colony, not through it.
PERIDOT
It is around your half. See that's your
half, and this is my half.
JASPER
Oh! Your half. Hmm.
PERIDOT
Yes, my half. I helped rescue the human.
I did half the work. I get half the
booty. Now hand me that big old rock,
the one that looks like your head.
JASPER
Back off!
PERIDOT
No, you back off.
JASPER
This is my colony!
PERIDOT
Our colony.
JASPER
(grabs the tree branch Peridot is working
with) Let go, Peridot!
PERIDOT
You let go.
JASPER
Stubborn jackass!
PERIDOT
Smelly jasper.
JASPER
Fine! (drops the tree branch and walks
away)
PERIDOT
Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through
with you yet.
JASPER
Well, I'm through with you.
PERIDOT
Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always,
"Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now
it's my turn! So you just shut up and
pay attention! You are mean to me. You
insult me and you don't appreciate anything
that I do! You're always pushing me
around or pushing me away.
JASPER
Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so
bad, how come you came back?
PERIDOT
Because that's what friends do! They
forgive each other!
JASPER
Oh, yeah. You're right, Peridot. I forgive
you... for stabbin' me in the back!
(goes into the outhouse and slams the
door)
PERIDOT
Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers,
onion gem, you're afraid of your own
feelings.
JASPER
(offscreen) Go away!
PERIDOT
There you are, doing it again just
like you did to Rose. All she ever
do was like you, maybe even love you.
JASPER
(offscreen) Love me? She said I was ugly, a
hideous creature. I heard the two of
you talking.
PERIDOT
She wasn't talkin' about you. She was
talkin' about, uh, somebody else.
JASPER
(opens the door and comes out) She wasn't
talking about me? Well, then who was
she talking about?
PERIDOT
Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything.
You don't wanna listen to me. Right?
Right?
JASPER
Peridot!
PERIDOT
No!
JASPER
Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? (sigh)
I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big,
stupid, ugly jasper. Can you forgive me?
PERIDOT
Hey, that's what friends are for, right?
JASPER
Right. Friends?
PERIDOT
Friends.
JASPER
So, um, what did Rose say about me?
PERIDOT
What are you asking me for? Why don't
you just go ask her?
JASPER
The wedding! We'll never make it in
time.
PERIDOT
Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's
a will, there's a way and I have a way.
(whistles)
Suddenly the corruption arrives overhead and floats low enough so
they can climb on.
JASPER
Peridot?
PERIDOT
I guess it's just my animal magnetism.
They both laugh.
JASPER
Aw, come here, you. (gives Peridot a
noogie)
PERIDOT
All right, all right. Don't get all
slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All
right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't
had a chance to install the seat belts
yet.
They climb aboard the Centipeetle and she takes off for Homeworld.
YELLOW CHURCH
Rose and Yellow Diamond are getting married. The whole town is there.
The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Revered Silence'.
PRIEST
People of Homeworld, we gather here today
to bear witness to the union...
ROSE
(eyeing the setting sun) Um-
PRIEST
...of our new king...
ROSE
Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead
to the "I do's"?
YELLOW DIAMOND
(chuckles and then motions to the priest
to indulge Rose) Go on.
YELLOW COURTYARD
Some guards are milling around. Suddenly the Centipeetle lands with
a boom. The guards all take off running.
PERIDOT
(to Centi) Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN.
If we need you, I'll whistle. How about
that? (she nods and goes after the guards)
Jasper, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You
wanna do this right, don't you?
JASPER
(at the Church door) What are you talking
about?
PERIDOT
There's a line you gotta wait for. The
preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or
forever hold your peace." That's when
you say, "I object!"
JASPER
I don't have time for this!
PERIDOT
Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen
to me! Look, you love this woman, don't
you?
JASPER
Yes.
PERIDOT
You wanna hold her?
JASPER
Yes.
PERIDOT
Please her?
JASPER
Yes!
PERIDOT
(singing James Brown style) Then you
got to, got to try a little tenderness.
(normal) The chicks love that romantic
crap!
JASPER
All right! Cut it out. When does this
guy say the line?
PERIDOT
We gotta check it out.
INSIDE CHURCH
As the priest talks we see Peridot's shadow through one of the
windows Jasper tosses her up so she can see.
PRIEST
And so, by the power invested in me...
Outside
JASPER
What do you see?
PERIDOT
The whole town's in there.
Inside
PRIEST
I now pronounce you husband and wife...
Outside
PERIDOT
They're at the altar.
Inside
PRIEST
...king and queen.
Outside
PERIDOT
Mother Fletcher! He already said it.
JASPER
Oh, for the love of Pete!
He runs inside without catching Peridot, who hits the ground hard.
INSIDE CHURCH
JASPER
(running toward the alter) I object!
ROSE
Jasper?
The whole congregation gasps as they see Jasper.
YELLOW DIAMOND
Oh, now what does he want?
JASPER
(to congregation as he reaches the front
of the Church) Hi, everyone. Havin'
a good time, are ya? I love Homeworld, first
of all. Very clean.
ROSE
What are you doing here?
JASPER
Really, it's rude enough being alive
when no one wants you, but showing up
uninvited to a wedding...
JASPER
Rose! I need to talk to you.
ROSE
Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little
late for that, so if you'll excuse me
JASPER
But you can't marry her.
ROSE
And why not?
JASPER
Because- - Because she's just marring
you so she can be a diamond.
YELLOW DIAMOND
Outrageous! Rose, don't listen to her.
JASPER
She's not your true love.
ROSE
And what do you know about true love?
JASPER
Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - -
YELLOW DIAMOND
Oh, this is precious. The jasper has fallen
in love with the human! Oh, good
Lord. (laughs)
The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Laugh'. The
whole congregation laughs.
YELLOW DIAMOND
A quartz and a human!
ROSE
Jasper, is this true?
YELLOW DIAMOND
Who cares? It's preposterous! Rose,
my love, we're but a kiss away from
our "happily ever after." Now kiss me!
(puckers her lips and leans toward her,
but she pulls back.)
ROSE
(looking at the setting sun) "By night
one way, by day another." (to Jasper)
I wanted to show you before.
She backs up and as the sun sets she changes into her quartz self.
She gives Jasper a sheepish smile.
JASPER
Well, uh, that explains a lot. (Rose
smiles)
YELLOW DIAMOND
Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards!
I order you to get that out of my sight
now! Get them! Get them both!
The guards run in and separate Rose and Jasper. Jasper fights
them.
JASPER
No, no!
ROSE QUARTZ
Jasper!
YELLOW DIAMOND
This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This
marriage is binding, and that makes
me a diamond! See? See?
ROSE QUARTZ
No, let go of me! Jasper!
JASPER
No!
YELLOW DIAMOND
Don't just stand there, you morons.
JASPER
Get out of my way! Rose! Arrgh!
YELLOW DIAMOND
I'll make you regret the day we met.
I'll see you drawn and quartered! You'll
beg for death to save you!
ROSE QUARTZ
No, Jasper!
YELLOW DIAMOND
(holds a dagger to Rose's throat) And
as for you, my wife...
JASPER
Rose!
YELLOW DIAMOND
I'll have you locked back in that tower
for the rest of your days! I'm a diamond!
Jasper manages to get a hand free and she whistles.
YELLOW DIAMOND
I will have order! I will have perfection!
I will have - - (Peridot and the corruption
show up and the Centipeetle leans down and
eats Yellow Diamond) Aaaah! Aah!
PERIDOT
All right. Nobody move. I got a corruption
here, and I'm not afraid to use it.
(The Centipeetle roars.) I'm a Peridot on
the edge!
The corruption belches and Yellow Diamond's crown flies out of her mouth
and falls to the ground.
PERIDOT
Celebrity marriages. They never last,
do they?
The congregation cheers.
PERIDOT
Go ahead, Jasper.
JASPER
Uh, Rose?
ROSE QUARTZ
Yes, Jasper?
JASPER
I - - I love you.
ROSE QUARTZ
Really?
JASPER
Really, really.
ROSE QUARTZ
(smiles) I love you too.
Jasper and Rose kiss. Yellow Pearl takes one of the cards and writes
'Awwww' on the back and then shows it to the congregation.
CONGREGATION
Aawww!
Suddenly the magic of the spell pulls Rose away. She's lifted
up into the air and she hovers there while the magic works around
her.
WHISPERS
"Until you find true love's first kiss
and then take love's true form. Take
love's true form. Take love's true form."
Suddenly Rose's eyes open wide. She's consumed by the spell
and then is slowly lowered to the ground.
JASPER
(going over to her) Rose? Rose. Are
you all right?
ROSE QUARTZ
(standing up, she's still a gem) Well,
yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed
to be beautiful.
JASPER
But you ARE beautiful.
They smile at each other.
PERIDOT
(chuckles) I was hoping this would be
a happy ending.
Jasper and Rose kiss...and the kiss fades into...
THE COLONY
...their wedding kiss. Jasper and Rose are now married. 'I'm
a Believer' by Smashmouth is played in the background. Jasper
and Rose break apart and run through the crowd to their awaiting
carriage. Which is made of a giant gem. Rose tosses her bouquet
which both Jenny and Kiki Pizza try to catch. But they end
up getting into a cat fight and so the Centipeetle catches the bouquet
instead. The Ruby has been mended somewhat and now
cane. Jasper and Rose
walk off as the rest of the guests party and Peridot takes over
singing the song.
RUBY
God bless us, every one.
PERIDOT
(as she's done singing and we fade to
black) Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. I can't
breathe. I can't breathe.
THE END