A/N: Hey hey hey! Here's a little ficlet that I wrote sooooooooo long ago that I'd nearly forgotten about it, but that I really really like. Beq (Rosemary Parkinsons) has been bugging me to post it FOREVER but I lost it. I found it today when I was cleaning my room! So now I'm putting it up for the whole world to enjoy! Yay! It's a Bella/Sirius, and it's really tiny, so don't yell at me for length. Ta ta!
I look at my past, and somehow I'm pleased. I'm not proud of it, no, certainly not. But somehow, somewhere, in the back of my head, I think how great it was, how clever. To let you think that I could do what you do. Kill like you do, lie like you do, die like you did.
Because though you don't know it, you died long ago. Long ago when you first betrayed me. Yes, you died and tried to take me with you, bring me down next to you, but that's when you realized that I wouldn't go. That I had fooled you all into thinking that I would be like you. That I would follow you like a puppy dog for the rest of my life, copying your every move in awe. I'll admit, that's how it used to be, and at first it was real, but by the time we were schoolchildren, it was all an act. So that when that moment came where I would choose between love and life, I could turn my back on you without hesitation. And I did.
Admiration had taught me to lead. Love had taught me to choose. And you had taught me to defy. That's what I did: refute everyone and everything, even when I could benefit from it, just to show that I could. Except for you. You were the one I stuck by, that I pretended to worship, to idolize. The feeble authority that I pretended to succumb to, but disgust filling me every time. It was this distaste that made me want to flinch at your touch, but I didn't. I would never drop my character in the great performance titled "My Life". To me, every day was just an encore, a symbol that I had done well in my role. So instead of revealing myself then, I made myself deaf to your voice, blind to your gaze, senseless to your touch. I would save myself for that day when you would go and expect me to follow, and then I would show the world that I could rid myself of you; just like that.
And you would wonder how you could have been so blind, not to see it before. How could you think that I'd follow in your footsteps? How could you think that our love would last forever? How could you think that I'd abandon my friends, my family, my life, like you did? But that's what you thought. You were wrong.
I refused to leave my life behind and die. For a cause that held no purpose to me, no less. You were no cause to me, as you tried to convince me otherwise countless nights. You were not one that I was willing to die for. I loved you Bella, oh how I loved you. I used to take pleasure in staring into your knowing eyes, thinking that if I just looked a bit harder, I could see the whole world through them. I used to long for your warm body pressed against me at night, and when it was, I could bury my face in your voluminous locks of hair and the scent of your essence envelope my troubled mind.
You were my escape. But only for a while. Too soon, I learned to look after myself, and seemingly overnight, I didn't need you anymore. You were worthless and had no purpose in my life, except to play the villain I could one day outwit. We were always so different, so far removed from each other's views. But it's that single drop of blood inside of both of us that led you to think that you could control me. That single drop of blood that made us rebels, daring to stray from the pack. That single drop of blood that you trusted and it backfired on you, turning me against you. It betrayed you, like you betrayed me, and lead me to betray you. In that way, we are the same. In that way I'm so much like you, too much like you for my own peace of mind. It is in that trivial yet crucial way that I am like you. Just like you.