Moment of Surrender

We set ourselves on fire…Oh God, do not deny her…It's not if I believe in love…If love believes in me. Oh, believe in me…

~U2, Moment of Surrender

Early October

"Olivia, welcome back! I am glad you are here. How have you been? It's been a couple weeks...are you sleeping better?" Dr. Lindstrom said smiling warmly at his patient. "Would you like a cup of coffee or tea?"

"No thank you. I'm okay…well not really…" Olivia sighed. She hated this place. This office was cold and dark. The sun never shined in here. "These past few weeks haven't been good ones."

"Why? What has been going on? Is it your job?"

"It's not my job. It's something else." She hoped he would let it go and ask her about the nightmares or how she was handling the retirement of one of her dearest friends. She just didn't want Dr. Lindstrom to ask about him.

"Olivia…what's going on? Are you and Rafael having problems? Did you guys have a fight? Did he do something?"

There is was. He crossed the line and asked. Olivia wasn't okay with this. "No!" She fired back forcefully. "He didn't hurt me! He never has…" Her voice trailed off into the sound of intense sadness.

Dr. Lindstrom frowned. He sensed that Olivia's words were linked to a bigger issue. "Want to tell me what happened?"

"Not really." She huffed.

"You can't help yourself if you don't talk about what is bothering you. We have been through this before. It will help you in your recovery."

"Fine…if you insist. We had a fight…well it wasn't really a fight. It was more of me losing control. He left crumbs on the counter after making toast and I lost it. I don't know why but I just lost it. I screamed at him. Over crumbs! What the hell is wrong with me? " Olivia turned away from Dr. Lindstrom. She felt so ashamed and frustrated.

"Nothing is wrong with you Olivia. We can work more on tempering your anger so you don't lose control like this. It is the same thing when you are at work. Now how did Rafael respond? Did he yell at you?" Dr. Lindstrom's voice was steady.

"This isn't work. He is not some perp…this is different." She was annoyed by his question and by his tone. How could he even suggest that this was like work?

"I know but how you address the anger and deal with triggers can be the same. How did Rafael respond to your outburst?" He asked again.

"He just stood there and looked at me. I have never seen him so sad before. All he said was that he was sorry and he could clean up next time." Her voice was shaky. "I can't believe he just stood there. Before…before Lewis…when we would argue, he would push back if I pushed. Then we always ended up laughing at each other. But today, he just stood there. Why? Why can't we go back to how it used to be? The way it was before."

"Because things have changed. Perhaps, he doesn't want to fight because he thinks somehow he'd hurt you."

"Maybe…I don't know..."

"Does this maybe have to do anything with your mom?" He asked softly.

Olivia froze and her body stiffened. Dr. Lindstrom knew he struck a nerve. He watched her as she thought through his question.

"You really are going for the homerun of questioning today aren't you?" Olivia retorted.

"You know I am just trying to help you through this, Olivia. There is no hidden agenda." Dr. Lindstrom reassured her.

"I know and I am sorry. See my mom used to yell at me that way but I'm not her." Olivia sounded more as if she was trying to convince herself of this reality rather than speaking a simple truth.

"What do you mean?" Dr. Lindstrom asked. Olivia rarely spoke of two things in her sessions with him, her mother and her relationship with Rafael. When pressed before she would reply that these two relationships were too personal. But today things changed. This openness was hopefully a turning point in her recovery.

"My mom didn't handle things well. Me…I'm trying to find a way to get through this. But today I scared myself. When I snapped, I didn't sound like me. I sounded like her when she used yell at me. And Rafael, he had the same look that I would have when she lost it." Her voice hiccupped. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "I know he blames himself for this. He blames himself for too many things these days."

"This is all part of the healing process. It is hard but you are working on it and are trying. May I ask you something…before this fight, when was the last time you two have any kind of argument or fight?"

"Right before I got home the night."

"You mean the night that Lewis took you?"

"Yes. Rafael wanted to take me out to dinner but I didn't want to go. I was a bit angry with him after what happened in court. I mean I know it wasn't his fault that the judge ruled the way that she did but I took it out on him. He told me I was being ridiculous and I needed to stop." Olivia shook her head. "That just made me more upset at him. I said to him, you know what maybe we shouldn't see each other tonight. He thought it was probably a good idea too since we both ended up pissed at each other. But the thing is usually we never slam the phone down or hang up on each other when we are mad. This time when I told him I loved him, he hung up." Olivia's voice was pained as she fought back the tears. She didn't want to cry again today.

Earlier November

Olivia looked miserable. Dr. Lindstrom hadn't seen her look this upset since the early days of their sessions together. He could tell she hadn't really slept in a long while and he noticed something was missing. "I saw the news about Rafael's friends. I'm sorry about that. How are you guys doing?"

Olivia shrugged her shoulders. She didn't know where to begin. The Munoz case opened wounds her and Rafael weren't prepared for in more ways than one. To say it caused problems would be an understatement.

"I can sense things aren't okay. Your ring is missing. Olivia, I'm so sorry."

"That was my call." Her voice was unnervingly steady and was almost distant.

"What happened? Why did you remove your ring?" Dr. Lindstrom inquired.

"Rafael...he is a gentle man…when he is outside the courtroom, he is such a warm hearted loving person. He has been really good to me. But I just think he deserves to be in a relationship with someone who isn't lost in her own head most of the time. He deserves someone who doesn't yell at him or pushes him away. I just got thinking about it all so I took off the ring this morning."

"I understand but you seem to be trying to talk yourself out of your relationship with him. It is clear you care for him. Also from what little you have told me about him, I can sense he has strong feelings for you and he really cares for you. This all seems like it's out of left field. You shouldn't be afraid of what you are feeling."

"I love him but I can't…."

"Can't or won't?"

"No! Damnit. This is hard." Olivia was frustrated.

"Why is it hard?"

"I mean…I…I'm scared, okay! I never felt this way about anyone before and I am scared he is going to leave me. I know about his ex, Yelina. I know she came to see him last week." She sounded defeated.

"Yelina Munoz? Alex Munoz's wife?"

"Yes. He came home one night smelling of perfume. I knew it was her…I don't blame him…"

"That doesn't mean anything Olivia." Dr. Lindstrom squeezed Olivia's hand.

"I am really scared that he is tired of waiting around for me especially now that she showed up in his life again. I am trying so hard but it seems I take one-step forward and two steps back. He said he would be here for as long as it takes but what if I'll never be okay. I can't do this to him. That's why it's best, I end it this, and that's why I took off the ring."

Mid- November

They walked to Dr. Lindstrom's office in silence. She reached for his hand and stroked it gently with her thumb. Holding his hand gave her comfort. She wondered if he knew just how much it meant to her. She wished she could tell him but it hurt too much. She glanced over at him but quickly turned away when he caught her looking. She really couldn't imagine her life without him now but her fears and self-doubt have pushed them down this path. They both knew they were at a breaking point.

They were almost there when Olivia finally broke their silence. "Thank you for doing this." She said softly.

Rafael nodded and smiled. He was very unhappy with this idea. The thought of telling a stranger his innermost personal feelings and secrets annoyed him. He just wasn't ready to talk about some things. But this solely wasn't about him. As uncomfortable as this whole process made him, he was willing to give it a shot. It was for her and for them after all.

They reached the door to Dr. Lindstrom's office. Before opening the door, Rafael stopped and turned to Olivia. "You ready?"

"No time like the present."

"Olivia, Rafael, thank you for coming! I am glad both of you made it today. This is very important step in Olivia's healing process and in her learning how to work through what has happened. Now Rafael, Olivia has mentioned to me your relationship has been going through a rough patch. What are your thoughts on this? Do you think everything is okay?" Dr. Lindstrom began.

"If everything was okay then we wouldn't be here now would we?" Rafael snapped. The doctor's tone irked Rafael. He wanted to throttle the guy but his anger faded when he looked at Olivia. She was falling apart before his eyes; it was breaking his heart.

"Rafael? Why are you doing this?" Olivia jumped in. Her voice was pained.

"Why am I doing what? I don't…" He was confused.

"No." She interrupted him. "Let's just get to the point of all of this. I mean why are you staying with me? This isn't working anymore. You deserve someone you can have a real relationship with… This…I mean I'm a train wreck. I want crawl out of my skin almost every day. We haven't had a normal relationship since it all happened. I haven't been able to kiss you in months. What if we can never have sex again? I can't expect you to wait around for me. Is this really what you want? "

Rafael sighed sadly. "Why are you worrying about this? I'm not worrying about it. Liv, I am staying with you because I want to be with you. I told you that before and I mean it. I love you and nothing will change that. And this is a real relationship. What else would it be?"

"Pity…guilt…"

"Pity? You know me. You know I don't pity anyone. Why would this change now?"

"I don't know…" Her voice was barely audible.

"Why did you say guilt?"

"I can see it in your face every day, Rafael. Every time I struggle with something…I sense the guilt from you. I know it's because of Lewis."

Rafael got up out of the chair and walked towards the window. He couldn't face Olivia or her doctor at this moment.

"Rafael, is that true? Do you feel responsible for all of this?" Dr. Lindstrom asked.

Rafael looked out the window as he struggled to find an answer. He sighed and finally answered with a simple yes.

"No." Olivia suddenly felt sick. It seemed as though one of her innermost fears was confirmed with one simple word. She began to panic. "Rafael, be honest with me. If you want out of this relationship, tell me now. I don't want you staying with me because of guilt. I can't do this. Don't lie to me."

Rafael turned back to her. He studied her face for a moment before approaching her. He kneeled down in front of Olivia. He reached for both of her hands. She turned away.

"Liv…please look at me." He gently pleaded, "The day I first met you…the day Harris brought you to the court house…I started to fall for you. And the moment I realized I loved you was when I saw you how gentle you were with the children during that Hell's Kitchen kidnapping case last year. You were so caring and kind. You were and still are absolutely amazing. What happened to you doesn't change that. I just wish I could have protected you. I failed you." Rafael was trying hard to keep himself together and fight back the tears. He let go of her hands and returned to his chair. His heart was hurting. This was much more painful and difficult than he ever imagined. If he hurt this badly, he couldn't truly imagine what Olivia must have been feeling.

"What about Yelina? I know she came to your office that night. I smelt the perfume."

Rafael was caught off guard. "What? You think that she and I…No! Why would you think that? God Olivia…she and I have been over for a long time. Nothing happened between us that night. She has her family with Alex. She was a big part of my past but you are all that matters to me. Please believe me." He was desperate.

"If I matter to you then why did you hang up on me that night?"

"I didn't hang up on you. I swear! My phone cut out. I tried calling you back but you didn't answer. I thought it was best if I let you be alone for a bit and not push…"

"Rafael what happened afterwards? Did you try to call or go to Olivia's apartment? Dr. Lindstrom asked.

Rafael focused on Dr. Lindstrom. "Not at first. But then I started to worry. When I couldn't get a hold of her, I called Captain Cragen. After that, it seemed like all hell broke loose. I thought I was going to lose my mind."

Rafael turned to face Olivia. "Liv, when they told me it was Lewis, I knew this was my fault. I should have got the guy in court. I had him but the judge... I should have gone to your place after my phone dropped your call. I prayed and wished he had taken me instead. When Cragen called me, told me that found you, and were bringing you back to the city…I didn't care about keeping our relationship a secret any longer. I didn't care if it meant I could lose my job. I needed to be with you. I beat the ambulance there. And Cragen and Nick waited with me until you were out of surgery when they fixed your shoulder." Rafael began to crack. He couldn't fight it much longer.

"Rafael…" Olivia whispered.

"I promised you that I would be there for you every step of the way. Do you remember what I said, Olivia, that night when you woke up? Please tell me you remember? Please?" He begged as he started to cry.

Olivia tried to speak but her words were lost. She lowered her head

Rafael surrendered to his pain. He didn't want an audience to see his impending breakdown, especially Olivia. "I can't do this. I'm sorry, Doctor. I'm sorry Olivia. I do love you but I can't…" Rafael headed for the door.

"Rafael, wait!" She called out to him as he darted from the doctor's office. She took off after him. She feared her lack of response was the last straw and he wouldn't come back. She found him standing by the elevator. He looked completely dejected and hurt and it was all her fault.

His back was to her. "Mi amor por siempre…" Olivia said in a voice barely above a whisper.

Rafael slowly turned around. "What did you just say?" He asked in an almost desperate tone. He wasn't sure if he heard her right. Did she remember?

"Mi amor por siempre. That is what you said to me that night in the hospital. I remember. You never let go of my hand the whole night…You never hurt me, Rafael. You stayed with me to make me feel safe. Just like you always have…" Olivia's voice trailed off as she looked into his eyes.

"Liv…please believe me."

She saw the sadness in his eyes and felt the hurt in his voice. "I do," She said softly, "I never should have doubted you…doubted us. I just…I just got scared about everything."

He closed his eyes and nodded.

She reached for his hand and pulled him close. "You and I…we'll get through this…together," she whispered. She fought back her fears and leaned in to kiss him. The kiss was hesitant and gentle.

When Olivia broke away, Rafael gave her a warm smile and replied, "Together."