Disclaimer: If I owned Naruto, Tobi would still be a good boy... Not-- mouth is covered for those few who don't know

This is part one. Part two will be up in a day or two if I get good reviews. It deals with... dramatic music After lunch!

A Day with Tobi – Part 1

Deidara woke to the sound of Tobi falling out of the lower bunk. "Tell me," he yawned, leaning out over the edge of his bunk, "Does your head always make a hollow sound when hit, hmm?"

Tobi didn't answer. Instead, he wriggled under the bed, much to Deidara's confusion. "Sempai, Tobi found your hairbrush!"

Groaning, Deidara slid down the ladder and peered under the bed. "I hadn't lost it in the first place, un."

"Sempai, you should really keep better track of things… Now where did Tobi put that ring…" he trailed off, looking around for the purple Akatsuki ring.

Sighing, the blonde missing-nin dragged out the dusty hairbrush and went to wash it off. Humming to himself, he wondered what Kisame would cook for breakfast. Kisame had a not-so-secret passion for baking that led him to cook meals for the Akatsuki, saving Kakuzu money on dining out and saving Pein from certain embarrassment at having to take the large group of rather freakish-looking ninjas out to a restaurant. Deidara continued washing the hairbrush until it sparkled in the fluorescent light of the bathroom, then proceeded to fix his hair into its usual ponytail. Realizing he was missing his ribbon, he called, "Tobi, bring me my hair tie, un!"

Immediately, Tobi was standing behind his sempai with a hair tie in hand. "Tobi is a good boy," he giggled, "can Tobi help Deidara-sempai fix his hair?"

"If it'll make you shut up, yeah."

Tobi giggled again and eagerly set to work brushing and styling the blonde locks. It wasn't long before he announced he was finished, and Deidara was surprised at how few times his hair had been pulled. Looking into the mirror, Deidara gasped. "WHAT THE—TOBI, YOU BAKA, UN!!"

"Tobi thinks Deidara-sempai looks like Edward Elric!"

(Somewhere in another universe, a blond boy with a braid sneezed.)

"Who, hmm?"

Taking a deep breath, Tobi began to explain the new show that he had seen on television a few days ago. However, Deidara was not in a mood to listen. "God, you're stupid, un. That could never happen, yeah."

Not paying attention, Tobi was busy trying to fit a toothbrush through the eye hole of his mask. The blonde bomber-nin, very irritated by this, smacked Tobi on the back of his head with the hairbrush. "Owww," the masked boy whined, "What did Deidara-sempai do that for? Tobi is a good boy!"

"Good boys pay attention when their sempai is talking, un."

Silence. "Why does Deidara-sempai say 'un' all the time?"

"I dunno, yeah. Just a habit, I guess…"

Tobi gasped. "Sempai! You didn't say anything!"

"Oh… Well, I guess I forgot, hmm…"

Unbraiding his hair and fixing it back into the usual ponytail, Deidara left to see what was going on in the kitchen. As per usual, Pein was eating in his room, Konan was helping Kisame with breakfast, Zetsu was nibbling on a slice of bacon, Hidan and Kakuzu were debating whether or not concentrated fruit juice was worth the money, Itachi was fumbling on the ground to recover a dropped plastic spork, and Tobi had just teleported in. "Kisame-sama, what's for breakfast? Tobi is hungry!"

Yep, there went the peace and quiet. Without waiting for an answer, Tobi snatched a muffin from a bowl on the table, slid his mask over to the left, and quietly ate the muffin, much to everyone's shock. After consuming every last crumb of chocolate-chip-muffiny goodness, he proceeded to chug a glass of milk. Wiping his mouth on the back of his hand, Tobi sighed. "Another great batch, 'same-sama!"

Kisame smiled, revealing fangs. "Now wash your hands. You have chocolate on them."

Nodding, the masked boy skipped over to the sink and began washing his hands. After nearly flooding the sink with bubbles, Tobi declared his hands clean, dried off, and went to find Deidara. "SempaiSempaiSempaiSempaiSEMPAIII!"

"What is it, un?!" Deidara snapped, flipping his hair back angrily.

"Tobi is out of toothpaste. Tell Kakuzu-san to buy more."

"I should've guessed, yeah… YO! MONEYBAGS!" Deidara yelled.

A very angry Kakuzu came in, still clutching a glass of orange juice in his hand. "Whaddaya want?!"

"The idiot here needs more toothpaste, hmm."

Sniggering, Kakuzu blurted, "Well, you do have four mouths!"

Deidara blushed with humiliation. "Not me, baka, Tobi, un!" he practically shrieked.

Tobi took this opportunity to sneak off and look for more toothpaste in various places. First, he opened a medicine cabinet. "Itachi-san's medicine, but no toothpaste."

Then he opened a small cabinet under the sink. "Box marked 'KONAN'S STUFF,' but no toothpaste."

Finally, he opened the bathroom's supply closet. "Towels, towels, sun block, Sempai's hair stuff, bandages… Aha!"

Tobi opened the blue and white cardboard box encasing the toothpaste, sliding the tube into the palm of his hand. "SEMPAI, TOBI FOUND IT," he yelled loud enough to wake a sleeping Shikamaru.

Removing the cap, Tobi attempted to get some toothpaste out of the tube. Nothing came out. Puzzled, Tobi squeezed the tube with both hands. The silver bit that was supposed to be removed ruptured with a loud popping sound, splattering mint green goo all over Tobi, the mirror, the sink, and even the floor. "…Perhaps Tobi should've been more careful…"

Pein, having overheard the noise, knocked on the door. "Tobi? What did you break this time?"

"Tobi broke the toothpaste, Leader-sama!"

Pein groaned. "Clean it up…"

One shower, bathroom cleaning, and tooth-brushing later, Tobi was ready for the day. He skipped out of his room wearing an orange tie-dye t-shirt and jeans, hugged Deidara, and asked, "Sempai, what time is it?"

"Nine thirty, un."
"Tobi still has two and a half hours to drive you insane—I mean, have fun with Sempai before lunch!"

"God—" Deidara began.

"—Jashin," Hidan interrupted from nowhere, appearing from his room in a bloody, shirtless mess from the last ritual.

"…save me…" Deidara groaned, smacking his forehead with one hand. "OH GOD, THE HAND-MOUTH WAS OPEN, UN!"

Hidan cursed between fits of laughter as Tobi rolled about on the floor giggling at the extreme blonde moment. "DARN IT YOU TWO, STOP LAUGHING, YEAH!"

Since the outbursts were getting nowhere, Deidara grabbed Tobi by the collar and put him in a chokehold. "Death by strangulation, hmm!" he snarled, glaring at the masked boy.

Choking, Tobi flailed his hands wildly, accidently knocking Hidan's scythe out of his hand. Said weapon of torture flew into the air and nearly hit Itachi, who didn't even blink as it stabbed into the table beside him. "Jashin," the albino breathed, "he's cool."

Itachi's hand shot out in a swift motion, ripped the scythe from the table as though it weren't three inches in with a serrated blade, and handed it to Kisame. "Permission to kill, Itachi-san?"

"No, he's immortal. Just tie him to a post and lock Tobi in with him… but give Tobi coffee first."

"B-but Leader-sama specifically said—"

Flashback Time!

Annoyed to the point of insanity, Deidara was trapped at the bottom of a hole with Tobi. Deidara was forced to listen to Tobi's insane whining and jabbering about nothing of any interest AND watch him run in circles for four hours before Tobi finally collapsed and suggested they send a clay bird to the base with a letter. After Deidara used the last of his clay to make the bird and attached the letter, he said, "God, Tobi, what were you high on, un?"

"…Tobi had coffee this morning."

Groaning, the blonde wished he had enough clay to make a full-size bird, but it had all been used in battle. Tobi stared vacantly at the wall for two more hours, which freaked out the blonde bomber, until Hidan and Kakuzu came to rescue them. Kakuzu demanded pay for coming while Hidan whined endlessly about how his feet hurt from walking. "Shut UP, Hidan, you're IMMORTAL!" Deidara yelled from the bottom of the pit.

"Idiots. Tobi thinks they should have sent Zetsu-san!"

"Good idea," Hidan said to Kakuzu, "Let's get the hell out of here so the plant can help 'em."

"Do you mind if we stop in town on the way back? There's this new bounty—"

"OH JASHIN NO," Hidan had yelled, whipping out his scythe and chasing Kakuzu back to the base.

Deidara, who had stood to yell at the 'zombie twins', fell to his knees sobbing as Tobi pulled out a thermos of coffee and began four more hours of torture. By the time they got back, Zetsu was carrying a fetal-position, twitching Deidara who was muttering something about Madara. Tobi was just smiling happily behind his mask. Looking at the poor tormented soul formerly known as Deidara, Pein declared that Tobi must never be allowed to have coffee.

End Flashback

"Hm," Itachi mumbled, "I don't recall."

An hour later, Hidan was let out of the room, muttering, "So… damn… illogical…"

Tobi followed, eating a bowl of sugar-frosted cereal. "Sugar-stars are life…" he sighed, mask to the left, plastic spoon sticking out of his mouth and muffling the words into "Sugaw-saas alligh."

Deidara pulled the plastic utensil out of Tobi's mouth with a loud pop. "Tobi likes cereal."

"Do you ever shut up, hmm?"

Tobi remained silent, but activated his Sharingan. Deidara decided to leave quietly. Bored by the temporary loss of his Sempai, Tobi ran out to the garden to find Zetsu. Performing a graceful spin and stop, Tobi twirled right into the plant-man's arms. "You smell like citrus," one half of Zetsu noted.

"Smells… Delicious." The other side laughed evilly.

"Tobi washed his hair this morning. Don't tell Deidara-sempai Tobi used his shampoo…"

Both halves of Zetsu laughed, and a pale hand ruffled Tobi's hair. "Aaah, that feels good" Tobi purred, cuddling up to Zetsu's leaves like a small child to a parent.

"Do you want to help me plant flowers?"

"Sure thing, Zetsu-san!"

"He'll wreck the garden! Oh man, don't say it… Don't you DARE say it…"

"It'll be fine," the light half mused, enjoying tormenting his other side, "Tobi is a good boy."

Tobi saluted. "Yes! Tobi is a good boy!"

Within half an hour, Tobi's jeans were grass stained and his hands were dirty, but he and Zetsu admired the work of the garden. "Now Tobi, be a good boy and go help Kisame make lunch."

"Right away, Zetsu-san!"

"But please, wash your hands…"

One sink-flooding hand-washing later, Tobi was beside the shark-nin in the kitchen. "Tobi wants to help."

Kisame nodded and gave Tobi a bowl full of smaller cups of what appeared to be flour and spices. "Stir these together carefully, ok?"

"Any order, 'same-sama?"

"Any order as long as you add the liquid last," Kisame instructed.

Tobi obediently stirred the ingredients together, even remembering to add the cup of milk last. "Tobi is done!"

Nodding, the shark-man took the bowl, poured the contents into a pan, and placed it in the oven. "It'll be done when the timer goes off."

Tobi sat down on the floor, staring at the illuminated oven depths. "Is it done yet?"

"No, Tobi."

"Now?"

"Did the timer go off?"

"Nooo…"

"Then it isn't done."

The conversation went on like this until Kisame threw Tobi out of the kitchen. When lunch was finally done, even Pein came to the table. Kisame set out salads, drinks, and the main course of baked chicken strips. Of course, the seating arrangements were a problem. Pein ate in silence, watching Konan and Itachi flirt out of the corner of his eye, Kisame recited the recipe to Zetsu while Tobi raided the fridge for ketchup, Kakuzu and Hidan cursed at each other about the cost of fast food, and Deidara only ate his salad. "What's wrong, Blondie," Zetsu teased, "afraid to gain weight?"

Deidara blushed and looked away. Tobi wrapped his arms around Deidara's slender waist and giggled, "You look fine, Deidara-sempai, and ninjas need to have a balanced diet!"

"Whatever, un… Lemme go."

Tobi released. "Tobi, why do you eat ketchup on everything?" Kisame asked.

"Because it tastes good, duh!" Tobi laughed, rolling his visible eye.

"Any other reason?"

Tobi's eye turned red. "Do I need one?" a deeper voice challenged.

The rest of the meal was in silence.