Chapter 4 — Madness

Draco was ashamed. He was ashamed of his fears, ashamed of how he reacted, ashamed to be alive. But, most of all, he was ashamed of how he had taken advantage of sweet, innocent Astoria. Surely she didn't really want to be with him— or, at least, she wouldn't, given some time to get to really know him and what he was.

Murderer.

That all too familiar, sharp, crippling pain erupted through his chest and he collapsed on his bedroom floor. It had been that word— "please"— that had brought it back with such rushing clarity. Suddenly he wasn't pressed against Astoria's warm, soft body in the dining room of this handsome manor, but he was standing alone, cold, on the top of the astronomy tower. Those ancient blue eyes piercing him with his final stare before Snape came and sent his body ricocheting into the air like Draco, as a child, had hurled his ridiculous dolly off a ledge just because he could. The thing that tortured Draco day and night was a question he would never know the answer to: Would he have done it? Had Snape not come to finish the deed, would Draco have murdered Albus Dumbledore?

He would never know. He couldn't accept it, but he'd have to learn to live with it in one deranged way or another. One thing was for certain, it had been a mistake having Astoria come to the Highlands with him. He wasn't sure what he thought would happen, but obviously he couldn't be trusted. As the panic ebbed and flowed enough for him to clamor onto his bed, he promised himself that he would tell Astoria to go back to London first thing in the morning. It would kill him to do it but— the more he tried to deny it the more he knew it was true— he was in love with her and he had to protect her.

However, Draco didn't tell Astoria to leave. Instead, he avoided her. He hid in his room and asked for a maid to bring him all his meals along with the potions Astoria made for him. Astoria never came to his door and he could only assume that she was appalled by his behavior from the previous night and wanted nothing to do with him. However, there were a few times where he could have sworn he heard someone lingering outside his door, only to walk away a few minutes later.

Meanwhile, the longer Draco stayed in his room, the more more his anxiety and panic threatened to engulf him. His nightmares were constant now so he tried to avoid sleep. He also found that he could no longer tolerate food and therefore neglected it, along with his potions. At first, Draco knew this was a bad idea. But the longer he continued this way, the less logic and reason played a factor in his meaningless existence. There were days where he seriously considered letting himself fall out of his fifth story bedroom window onto the cold ground below, but he couldn't muster the strength to get out of bed.

Then, finally, there was one night where his nightmare had him hollering as he awoke from it. He had dreamt that Voldemort had him torturing some helpless prisoner, as he so often did. Suddenly their pain had become Draco's pain as Voldemort used curses against him. He wouldn't stop— he never stopped—

"NO!" Draco cried. "PLEASE STOP—"

Some barged into his room.

"Draco— what's wrong—"

He heard her voice and opened his eyes, and then saw her through the sweat and tears that blurred his vision.

"Astoria—" he choked, raising his hand towards her.

She took it, and stroked his hair back. Then, abruptly, she let go, dashing off towards the bathroom. At first, Draco was scared. He didn't want her to leave. But she came back quickly with a towel dampened with cool water. She placed it on his head first, then rubbed it along his naked back. She flipped him over, almost roughly and began on his chest.

"You haven't been taking your potions, have you?" she said, her usually sweet voice hard. "Draco, what's the point of me being here at all if you don't take the potions I make for you?"

"I'm sorry," Draco choked. "I'm so sorry, Astoria."

Astoria shook her head. "It's my fault, really. I should have been monitoring you more. I let my…"

"What?" asked Draco, calming slightly under the coolness of the cloth.

"Nothing," she said, quickly. "You have to take a Sleeping Draught tonight. I have some stored away—"

She got up to leave, but Draco grabbed her wrist.

"Please don't leave me," Draco pleaded.

"I won't," Astoria promised. "Just let me go get the Sleeping Draught and I'll be right back."

Astoria hurried from the room and was back in a flash— a bottle and a glass in her hand. She poured of the sharp, green liquid into a glass and gave it to Draco. He stared at her in his feverish haze, longing for her in a way that was beyond lust.

"You'll stay with me?" he asked her, trembling slightly.

"I'll be right here," said Astoria, sitting on the edge of the bed again.

He stared at her for a moment.

"I need you here," he said, in a pleading whisper.

"I know, I know," she said, and, reaching across the bed, put her arms gently around him.

Draco had never been embraced before. Not like this. His parents were always so cold, so distant.

"Now," said Astoria, her cheek resting against the top of his head, "drink up."

Draco drank his potion, listening to the sound of Astoria's heartbeat.

Chapter 5 — Force of Nature

Draco couldn't remember finishing the potion, but the next thing he knew was the warmth of his bed and sunlight streaming through the bedroom windows. He felt groggy, but no longer feverish. In fact, he felt almost aroused. How strange. Then he felt himself pressing against something soft and warm and opened his eyes.

He almost gasped, but managed to control himself. He had almost forgotten that he had asked Astoria to stay and felt ashamed at the memory. However, it was nowhere near how ashamed he felt to have been pumping his rigid erection against her as they slept. She was spooned against him, her perfect ass pressed into him while his arms were wrapped around her. She was wearing a silky, knee-length nightgown. He could feel her breasts just below the place where his hands held her to him and he could see her nipple popping out of the lace. Her neck was inches from his lips. She smelled so good.

Pulling himself away from her was like ripping concrete apart with his bare hands, but he managed it. He knew he needed to cool off. This feverish morning had affected him almost as much as the previous night had. Throwing his silk, emerald green robe around himself, he hastened towards the bathroom to take a cold shower.

When Astoria awoke, she was confused for a moment as to why she was not in the room at the manor she had begun to call her home. Then, as the memories of the previous night crashed over her, she sat bolt right up only to find the bed void of the man she loved.

Yes, she loved Draco Malfoy. She was sure of that now. Holding him in her arms while he fell asleep last night had solidified the already forming notion. Now that she had admitted to herself, however, she felt rather deceptive working for him under false pretenses. She wondered if she should hand in her notice at once and leave. But, no, she wouldn't do that quite yet. At least, not until after her appointment.

Astoria had been having dizzy spells again. These spells were so bad that she sometimes lost consciousness. Only yesterday she had been found in the middle of the hallway by a maid, her nose bleeding profusely. She had been almost glad that Draco was avoiding her— though it pained her so— because she hadn't wanted him to see her in such a state of weakness.

These symptoms were all too common from the memories of her childhood. Once again, her affliction was creeping back into her life. Even though the illness was familiar, however, she decided to make an appointment with a Healer in the area in order to make sure that she was doing everything in her power to keep her health in check. Perhaps there would be some new remedies on the market that could help alleviate some of the symptoms.

Astoria heard the shower running in the bathroom, so that must be where Draco had gone to. Quietly, she crept out of bed and went to the bathroom door. She simply wanted to make sure Draco was okay. But when she peered through the crack she saw, through the glass, Draco's body arched against the marble shower wall. His eyes were closed and his body was rigid, not in pain, but in pleasure. In his hand he was stroking his long erection. Astoria knew she should look away, but it was as if a force of nature compelled in her to continue watching as Draco's hand movement became quicker and quicker. She could hear soft moans now over the rush of the water. She felt her stomach flip and a wetness seeping from between her legs. Without thinking, she found herself rubbing the wet spot through her nightgown. Then, unable to stop herself, she ran her hand up her skirt and found the opening she sought, teasing her with her fingers until—

Draco let out a cry of pleasure and Astoria had to bite down, hard, on her lip to stop herself from doing the same. When she regained herself, she ran from the room, ashamed of what she had done.

Astoria got dressed quickly, trying to occupy her mind as to avoid the memory of Draco's moans which brought forth a surge of pleasure that bordered on violence each time she remembered it. Once she had composed herself however, she walked slowly back to Draco's room, pausing only to knock on the door.

"Come in," he said.

Her stomach flipped again at the sound of his voice, but she entered, breathing deeply to steady herself.

"I've brought another dose of the potion for you," said Astoria, her voice surprisingly stern, even to herself. "You cannot let what happened last time happen again Draco. You could have killed yourself."

"I won't let it happen again," he said in a low murmur, more to himself than Astoria.

There was a pause while Draco drank his potion.

"I have an appointment in the village today with one of the local healers," said Astoria, finally."

"Surely we don't need to involve a Healer—" Draco started quickly, but Astoria interrupted him.

"It's not for you, it's for me," she said curtly, but she could feel a faint blush rising on her cheeks.

"Oh," said Draco, his brow furrowing. "Is something wrong?"

"No, no, everything's fine," Astoria lied. "Just a routine check up. I'll be back later this afternoon. Don't forget to take your potion with lunch, as well."

"Yes, ma'am," said Draco with a hint of humor that Astoria had never heard before.

Astoria left the manor after that, her heart still pounding from her innocent encounter with Draco. How could he always affect her like this? Why did he always affect her so strongly? Was it simply lust or something more?

Chapter 6 — The Sign

She apparated on a flat stone at the edge of the large, sloping hill on which the manor was situated and landed just before the wrought iron gate that opened up into an ancient wizarding community. The Healer's office was on 102 Mandrake Lane. Astoria rang the little brass bell and waited.

A kindly, plump woman answered the door.

"Hello, are you Healer Baum?" asked Astoria.

"Oh no, Healer Baum is my sister," said the woman, motioning for her to come in. "My name is Millie. Please come and sit in the waiting room while I fetch you some tea."

"Thank you," said Astoria.

She was glad of the invitation to sit down for just then a dizzy spell swept over her, turning the whole room around in quick, chaotic circles.

The woman came back quickly with the tea and handed it to Astoria, who sipped it graciously. As she sat there, a witch — only a little older than Astoria — emerged from the door to her left. She was smiling and very, very pregnant. A short, slight witch around 60 years of age followed closely behind her.

"No, it shouldn't be long now at all," Healer Baum said to the pregnant witch. "Everything's as it should be. Just keep using that potion on your ankles to stop the swelling."

"Thank you, Healer Baum," replied the woman.

"Remember to send an owl as soon as you start to feel contractions."

After the woman exited the door, Healer Baum turned to Astoria.

"Astoria Greengrass?" she asked.

"Yes."

"Come right in," she motioned through the office door.

Astoria went into the little room that served as an office and an examination room. Astoria had been in and out of Healers' offices her entire childhood, though this one was by far the most quaint. Her parents, of course, had spared no expense when it came to their daughter's health and therefore the Healers were usually rich, dignified officials of the magical medical community with large, lavish offices. However, they all came to the same conclusion about Astoria's condition and, despite Astoria's desperation for hope, she was sure this one would too.

The Healer went through the exam thoroughly, asking Astoria all of the usual questions. Then, once she was finished, she asked Astoria to sit down across from her at the desk.

"Ms. Greengrass, I have some bad news, a bit of good news, and also some news that falls in between."

Astoria, not being used to good news, lifted her head slightly.

"I've read your files and your condition is progressing at a steady rate — the same steady rate that it always has been. It is not speeding up, but it is not slowing down, either."

Astoria nodded, supposing it was the best she could hope for.

"What's the bad news?" Astoria asked.

"Most of your appointments date from when you were a child, and this is your first check up as a— as a woman."

"My parents were trying to find a cure when I was young," Astoria said quickly. "But they eventually were forced to give up."

"I am afraid nothing can cure what ails you," said Healer Baum somberly. "But, now that you are a woman there are some other… complications that might come into play. I'm afraid that it would be very difficult for you to have children. In fact, even if you could conceive and carry the baby full term, it would cut your life expectancy short by several years."

Astoria was quiet for several minutes. She knew her life was destined to be short, and had even come to peace with it, but a life without a children was not something she had anticipated at all. She had assisted in many births during her time at St. Mungo's and had always dreamed of the day when she would get to hold her own child in her arms. Now, she was being told that this day would never come. That the little bit of life she had would be childless.

"I don't care," said Astoria suddenly.

"What?" asked Healer Baum, startled.

"I don't care if it shortens my life even more. It's already not going to be a long life. I want to have a baby. What can I do to make sure that happens?"

The healer stared at her for a moment.

"Ms. Greengrass," she said hesitantly. "We're talking about up to ten years taken off your life—"

"I don't care!" said Astoria, more fiercely than she intended, the lack of sleep from the night before finally catching up with her. "Please, just tell me what to do."

The Healer sighed. "All right. If that is what you want, you should do it soon, while you are still young and most of your health is still intact. However, it will be difficult to conceive in the first place. When you are ready to have a child, come back and I will prescribe you a fertility potion that should assist you. Do you have a partner of some sort?"

"I'm not married," said Astoria.

"Are you with anyone?"

"No… not at the moment," said Astoria, but her heart was beating fast as a realization occurred to her, almost as though she had been waiting for a sign like this all along.

She was in love with Draco Malfoy and she was running out of time to have everything in life. It was now or never.