AUTHOR'S NOTES – The title of the series is a line from Whitney Houston's song 'All At Once', off her debut album. The title of this chapter is from the song 'Hands To Heaven', performed by Breathe.

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WEDNESDAY MORNING
23 MAY 2001
JAG HEADQUARTERS

Mac stared down at the stack of papers in front of her on her desk, trying to concentrate. She was taking the next two days off in preparation for her wedding and she wanted to get rid of the backlog of paperwork on her desk. It wouldn't be fair to dump it all on someone else, no matter what the circumstances. It wasn't everyone else's fault that Mac found it harder and harder to focus on work the closer it got to her wedding day.

Most would have assumed that Mac's occasional inability to concentrate on work stemmed from her wedding, that she was the typical giddy bride looking forward to her wedding day with an excitement that could not be contained. It frustrated Mac that nothing could be further from the truth. She wanted to be giddy. She wanted to be counting the hours and minutes left until she would become Mrs. Mic Brumby. She wanted to look forward to her wedding day with the anticipation born long ago in a little girl's dreams of her fairytale wedding. But she couldn't, no matter how hard she tried.

Unconsciously, she rubbed a finger over her lips and remembered how it had felt. It had just been a kiss, one of a multitude she'd received in her life. And it hadn't been the first time that he'd kissed her. She'd known what it felt like, his mouth moving tenderly over hers, had known how he tasted. So why did one stolen moment on a cool May night haunt her so much?

She didn't even have to close her eyes to see clearly in her mind how it had started out as tender goodbye kiss and grown in intensity until she was positive the only thing holding her upright was his hand pressed against her back, holding her firmly against him. She'd tried to back away. Oh, how she'd tried. But she'd never expected him to finally let go, to express in his actions everything that she'd ever wanted from him but had given up on hoping for. That was why, when he'd pulled her back to him, she hadn't resisted. At least, that was what she tried to tell herself.

Mac closed her eyes for a moment, remembering. She could still feel the tingling sensation as his lips touched hers. Her back felt warm where his hand had pressed against it. If they hadn't both been so aware of the house full of guests and their significant others, just on the other side of the door. . . .She should put it out of her mind. She had to put it out of her mind. She knew that in her head. Her heart had just refused to listen.

At a time when she should be running as fast as she could in the opposite direction, she'd oddly found herself closer to Harm than they'd been since he'd left JAG to return to active flight status. They spent more time together, laughed together, generally enjoyed each other's company. And they touched. A hand on an arm. A pat on the shoulder. Fingers clasped together. Mac knew they were playing with fire. They both did. That was evident every time they looked into each other's eyes. But Mac kept telling herself that what little contact they allowed themselves was better than none at all. And maybe if she told herself that enough times, she would find herself believing it.

Her eyes snapped open at the sound of a knock on her partially closed door. Her gaze met Harm's and they stared at each other for a long moment, the hint of a smile playing on their lips. Finally, Mac broke the silence and asked, "What can I do for you?"

"I. . . .something's come up," he said, stepping in her office, resisting the urge to push the door closed behind him. But being with Mac behind closed doors was too great a temptation and she'd made her choice. He had to accept that. "I needed to talk to you about it."

"Take a seat," she suggested, gesturing to the chair in front of her desk. Harm looked at the chair for a moment, and then shook his head.

"On second thought," he said, "why don't we take a break? We've both been buried under paperwork all day. It's a nice day out today. Why don't we take a walk?"

"I don't know," she hesitated, shaking her head. "I've got a lot to get done before I go on leave ..." Her voice trailed off as she noted to look in his eyes. Ever since that night, she'd found herself paying more attention to his eyes, learning to read what he was thinking. Right now, what she was seeing was a look that she hadn't seen in a couple of years... since he'd shown up at her apartment to tell her that he was returning to active flight status. She had the feeling deep in the pit of her stomach that whatever he was about to say, she didn't really want to hear it. Taking a deep breath, she nodded agreement. "Let me get my cover."

"Thank you," he said. Mac's hand froze on her desk drawer at his tone and she studied him for a long moment. She couldn't explain it, but she sensed from him that this was of vital importance – to both of them.

-----

Once they were outside the building, slowly walking the grounds, Harm found himself hesitating. Honestly, he was a bit relieved about his news, but he was concerned about Mac's reaction. He wasn't sure why. She was going to marry another man in three days. Wouldn't it be more comfortable for her if he wasn't there, a reminder of the turmoil in her heart? But Mac seemed to be concerned about his reactions to what was happening in her life. She'd obviously been worried about his reaction when she'd told him a few weeks earlier that he wouldn't be able to sit at the head table at the wedding reception. Even already knowing that he was going to be there, she'd asked him specifically a few hours before the engagement party if she would see him there.

Harm thought that he'd finally figured out the tangled feelings between them, but her concern made it even harder, a constant reminder of what he could never have. There were times when he wished that he'd remained oblivious. Why had he finally opened up to her on the Admiral's porch? Why couldn't he have backed away, as he'd done on the ferry? Maybe then it would be easier to pretend that he was happy as the person he cared about most in the world made a life with another man.

He glanced at Mac and found her looking at him expectantly, waiting patiently for him to reveal his news. It had been his idea to come out here. A part of him considered forgetting about the whole thing and just taking off for the Patrick Henry, letting the chips fall where they may. But then he remembered the hurt look on his face when she'd found out he'd had his eyes fixed without telling her. He'd promised himself that he would never do that to her again. But once again, the rules of engagement had changed.

"So how was your presentation?" he asked, breaking the silence, deciding to go with small talk while he figured out how to break his news.

"It went fine," she replied, recognizing the delaying tactic, but going along with it. She was trying to learn not to push him so hard. Hell, her pushing had been what had put them in this situation to begin with. First, she'd pushed too hard in Sydney and ended up in another man's arms. Then, she'd pushed him at the engagement party, but instead of running away as he had in Sydney, he'd pushed back this time and look what it had gotten them. Three days before her wedding and she couldn't convince herself to be the ecstatic bride.

"You do love your husband, don't you?"

"I don't know."

Mac shook her head, trying to banish the thoughts which had been plaguing her since the party and which had found a focus as she'd researched her presentation on the Somers mutiny of 1842. How had she managed to relate the court-martial of her ancestor to her ambivalence about Mic? She sighed. The Somers mutiny was hardly a safe topic for conversation. Then again, was there any such thing between them anymore?

"Mac?" Harm asked, watching her with concern. "Are you okay?"

"There's just a lot going on," she replied. It was the truth, as far as that went.

Harm came to a stop and turned to her. Mac glanced around them. They were at a far corner of the grounds surrounding JAG headquarters, away from the usual traffic of people coming and going. That nagging voice inside Mac's head suggested that this wasn't a good idea, but she squashed it. Harm was her best friend. She owed it to him to listen to what he had to say.

"As I'm sure you're aware," he began, "I have to qualify every year to keep my flight status current. My year is up at the end of the month and I've done everything except for the carrier landing portion of my quals." He watched as she thought about what he was saying, making the connections in her mind.

"You're going to be deployed sometime in the next week to carrier," she concluded.

"I report to the Patrick Henry tomorrow," he told her, continuing quickly before she could protest. "I'm driving up to Norfolk tonight and I'll take a helo from there in the morning. Just in case something happens and things take longer than planned, it's better to go now, than wait until after the holiday Monday when there will only be three days left in the month. Anyway, as of next week, I'm acting chief of staff and need to be here at JAG."

"I see," she replied carefully, having the sinking feeling she knew where this was going. "And when will you be back?"

"I'm not sure," he replied, shrugging. This was the part that he was dreading telling her. "The plan is sometime Saturday, but I'm not sure exactly when. Could even be Sunday."

"Sunday," she repeated, trying – and not entirely succeeding - to stifle her dismay. "My wedding's on Saturday and there's the rehearsal dinner on Friday."

"I know," he said softly. If he was aware of nothing else, it was that her wedding to another man was on Saturday. "I'm up against a deadline here. If I delay the orders until after the wedding, then I run the risk of running out of time to complete my quals. Sure, I can probably complete them in a couple of days, maybe three, but things can happen that can drag that out."

"And if you don't complete your quals, then your flight status is threatened," she realized. She knew how much his flight status meant to him, even if he was no longer a part of an active duty squadron. "I understand, but. . . ."

"Mac," he said, picking up her right hand and squeezing it gently. "I'm sorry."

"You said the plan is to come back on Saturday?" she asked, clinging to that thought.

"That's the idea," he replied, hoping that she wasn't going where he thought she was about to with this. It would be easier if he couldn't make it back. "I'd like to salvage something of the holiday weekend before my workload is doubled for the next couple of weeks."

"I suppose you have plans with Renee," she said, trying to bury the flicker of jealousy she felt. She was with Mic. She couldn't expect him to spend his time pining for her, despite coming to terms with the feelings between them. It wasn't fair. . . .to any of them.

"Not really," he admitted. Renee had pushed, but even before he'd known about his orders for the Patrick Henry, he'd made the excuse that he wanted to get a jump start on some of the extra work that he would be stuck with. Of course, his desire to be alone had more to do with regrets over the direction of his life than a burning desire to work through the holiday weekend. He knew that he wasn't going to be very good company this weekend and he wasn't really in the mood to tolerate Renee's attempts to distract him.

She stared at her hand in his, her gaze focused on his thumb idly tracing circles on her palm. "Harm, I need you ..." she began, realizing how that sounded. She quickly added, a bit flustered, "I want you to be there for me. With Uncle Matt in Leavenworth, Chloe's going to be my only family there. I've got friends, but you mean... more to me than just about anyone. That's why I'd invited you to the rehearsal dinner even though you're not in the wedding party. If nothing else, I need you to be at the wedding."

"Why, Mac?" he questioned her. He still held her hand and she could feel the heat where his thumb gently rubbed her slowly spreading up her arm and through her. Her breath caught as she tried to think of a reply.

"I don't know," she admitted, her voice hesitant. "I just know that I need you there. I need to know that you are there and are... happy for me."

"If this is what you want," he reminded her, "then I'm happy for you." Anyone who didn't know him very well might not have caught the slight tremor in his voice, as if he was trying to convince himself as much as Mac. But Mac, learning to look for the little clues to what he was thinking, noticed it, perhaps because it reflected the doubts in her own heart.

"Harm," she said with a hint of pleading, "I know that I'm asking a lot, and I can't explain why this is so important for me. Maybe it's that I think this will provide some closure. But I do know that I need to know that you will be there for me."

Harm tilted her head up with a finger, his gaze meeting hers and he allowed himself just a moment to become lost in the dark depths of her eyes. In that moment, he remembered why he would do anything for her. "I will," he said softly. "I promise."

Mac licked her suddenly dry lips. He would come home in time for the wedding. He wouldn't let anything stand in his way. Harm always kept his promises.

"Don't make a promise you can't keep."

"I haven't yet."

Well, he'd never broken a promise to her yet. It would be another three years before he would be forced to break that one. Until then, she would hold onto the knowledge that Harm's word was worth more than the most precious metal. "Thank you," she whispered, unconsciously leaning forward slightly as she lost herself in the turmoil evident in his eyes. She knew this would hurt him, more than he would probably ever admit, even to her. But he would still come simply because she'd asked him to. She didn't deserve for him to be so kind and understanding. She closed her eyes, forcing back the tears that threatened to form.

She felt his free hand brush her cheek, meant to be a gesture of comfort. But she could feel so much more in his touch. Opening her eyes, she found that they'd somehow moved even closer together. It would be so easy. All she had to do would be to stretch up just a little bit and she could satisfy the hunger she'd been trying so hard to forget since the party.

That night, things had gotten away from her as a simple goodbye kiss had turned into so much more. This time, Mac was fully aware of what she was doing and what this meant as she closed the remaining distance between them and stood up on tip toe to press her lips against his.

She moaned against his open mouth when she felt his hand go to her back, welcoming the return of the heat she remembered from that night. Her hand slid up his arm and over his shoulder board to press against the back of his neck, her fingers moving over him in a soft massage. They were outside, where anyone might walk by, but neither had the strength or the will to put out the fire threatening to engulf them.

Harm started to pull away first, but he'd been haunted as much as she'd been the last couple of weeks and he found that he couldn't. He tugged at her lower lip, lightly running his tongue along the soft flesh, before losing himself again and deepening the kiss, his tongue sweeping the welcoming depths of her mouth. She swayed slightly against him as she met him with equal fervor, her tongue wrestling with his, and he tightened his hold on her.

Mac was finally the one who broke away first, taking a step back as she felt something hard pressing against her stomach. This was spinning too far out of their control. Harm turned his back to her, his breathing ragged, trying to regain some small measure of control. Mac reached out and let her fingers brush against his arm before dropping her hand. "I'm sorry," she whispered.

"Don't be," Harm replied just as softly, turning his head to glance back at her. "Never be sorry."

Mac wasn't sure she had the right to ask for more, but she did anyway. She couldn't help herself, anymore than she could have stopped herself from falling into his arms again, even when they both knew they shouldn't. "Stop by and see me before you go?" she requested.

Harm turned his head away again and nodded. "I will," he vowed.

Mac took a deep breath and forced herself to walk away, back to the pile of work waiting for her on her desk. But the voice was back in her head, taunting her.

You do love your husband, don't you? ... You do love your husband, don't you? ... You do love your husband, don't you?

"What does love have to do with anything?" she retorted aloud, drawing a curious glance from a passing petty officer, who snapped off a salute as soon as she caught sight of the silver oak clusters on Mac's collar. Mac automatically returned the salute, but she couldn't get the question out of her mind. She just wished that she could satisfy herself with the answer.

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A FEW HOURS LATER

Oddly enough, Mac found that she was better able to concentrate after her work after her meeting with Harm. With a smile on her face, she signed off on another report and tossed it on top of the rapidly growing pile of completed work.

"Thinking about our wedding, I hope," Mic said from the door. Mac looked up from the file she'd just picked up, forcing the smile to remain on her face.

"Mic," she said brightly. If her voice a little too bright, she was the only one who realized it. Mic rarely noticed the subtle clues – the look in her eyes, the slight change in her voice – that signaled a change in mood. Even when she was visibly upset at him, he tended more often than not to ignore the reason behind the mood, opting to try to charm her out of her bad mood rather than dealing with what had caused it in the first place. But it never resolved any of the problems between them. More and more, Mac was beginning to realize that. But it wasn't that simple. Not after all this time.

Harm would have noticed, the voice in her head reminded her. Mac shook her head and forced her attention back to her fiancé. "What can I do for you, Mic?" she asked as she opened the folder in front of her.

"Just wanted to see if you wanted to take off a bit early and spend some time with me, luv," he said cheerfully.

"Mic," she protested, managing for the most part to keep the frustration out of her voice, "I have a lot of work to finish. Today's my last day before the wedding and I want to get as much of this done as possible."

"Rabb's filling in as chief of staff while you're gone, right?" he countered. "I'm sure he would understand if you left it for him, with the wedding to think about and all that."

Mac managed to bite back a stinging retort. Everything was going to be hard enough for Harm as it was in the coming days and weeks. She wasn't about to make things worse by unnecessarily dumping her work in his lap so she could play hooky with her persistent fiancé, even if Harm was going to be around to handle the extra load. Which he wasn't, she reminded herself.

Harm chose that moment to poke his head in Mac's office. "Sorry, am I interrupting anything?" he asked automatically, although sorry was about as far away from what he felt as one could get. But he would make nice even if it killed him. He wasn't about to lose Mac's friendship, no matter to whom she was married. And if Mic had a problem with his and Mac's friendship, Harm was determined that was going to be Mic's problem – not his and certainly not Mac's if he could help it. Mac had promised that she wasn't going to lose him and Harm was holding onto that with everything in him.

Mic opened his mouth to speak, to give Harm the brush off, but Mac jumped in before he could start anything. "Of course not," Mac replied smoothly. "Are you taking off already?"

"The Admiral gave me the time to go home and pack since I'm driving to Norfolk," Harm replied, focusing his attention on her. Unfortunately, Mic did notice that – he tried to notice everything when he saw Harm and Mac together – and decided to interrupt.

"Heading off on a case, mate?" Mic asked in a too pleasant voice. Maybe it would keep Harm away long enough to miss the wedding. Mic could have cared less if Harm was there to wish them well, even if it meant forgoing the opportunity to show off his hard-won bride. Although he'd professed to Renee that he wasn't concerned, he wouldn't rest easy on that score until the wedding ring was firmly on Mac's finger and she was truly and forever his. He couldn't banish the occasional vision he had of Harm standing up in the middle of the ceremony and declaring his undying love for Mac. In this case, when it came down to a choice between showing off his wife to Harm and resting easy because Harm was absent, he'd take the resting easy. He'd have the rest of their lives to show off his wife and to remind Harm that Mac was forever his.

"My annual carrier quals," he replied, his voice just as pleasant. "I'm taking a helo to the Patrick Henry in the morning from there."

"I asked Harm to stop by before he left," Mac added. "I just wanted to make sure that there is nothing pending that I need to look at this afternoon." Her eyes were on Harm as she said it and he nodded slightly, acknowledging the silent plea to back her up.

"I managed to clear my desk," Harm said, bolstering her story. Like her, he'd returned to his office with a renewed determination to bury himself in work. He'd even managed to make a dent in the usual backlog of reports on his desk, reports he'd thought to put off until Mac was gone on her honeymoon, figuring that he'd need the extra distraction in the ongoing effort to forget.

"Have a safe trip and good luck on your quals," she said, smiling at him. She focused completely on Harm and managed to forget for just a moment that they weren't alone in the room. "I'll see you on Saturday."

She had managed to forget until Mic reminded her. "You'll be back in time for the wedding?" he asked, his displeasure thinly veiled. Mac closed her eyes briefly against the sudden headache threatening to overwhelm her.

"I'll be back Saturday morning," Harm confirmed, taking a small amount of pleasure in bursting Mic's hope that he wouldn't be at the wedding. "I promised Mac that I'd be there. Well, I need to get going. Mac, I'll see you Saturday."

Mac got up and walked around to the door, stepping out of the office with Harm without even a glance in Mic's direction. "I'll see you," she said, stepping close enough to him that she was able to brush her hand against his without it being glaringly obvious to everyone in the bullpen. "And thank you again."

Harm lowered his voice so that only she would hear. "I'd do anything for you, Mac," he reminded her. He then smiled and said aloud, "Tell Chloe I said 'hi' when she arrives and I'll see you both at the wedding."

"I will," Mac promised, walking with him towards the elevator. She'd all but forgotten Mic's presence in her office. "I know she's looking forward to seeing you."

"Mac ..." Harm began, but he stopped, shaking his head. He stopped in front of the elevator doors and turned to face her. "I just want you to call me if you need anything, even if it's just someone to talk to. I'm sure the next few days are going to be a bit crazy."

"Thank you," she said softly. "For everything. Goodbye, Harm."

"Goodbye, Mac," he replied just as softly, lifting his hand to brush against hers as the elevator doors opened before them. There was no one stepping off the elevator, no one else waiting to get on, so Harm let his hand linger over hers just a little longer than was really necessary before dropping it back to his side.

Mac stood there until Harm stepped onto the elevator and the doors closed between them. With a sad sigh, she returned to her office, where Mic was still waiting for her. She hesitated, and then closed the door behind her, just in case.

He'd not been happy that she'd walked out of the office with Harm, barely giving him a second thought. By the time she'd returned, he was close to fuming. "Rabb get off okay?" he asked with a hint of sarcasm evident in his tone.

"Mic, I really do have a lot of work to get done before my leave," she protested, hoping he would drop the subject and just leave her in peace. "Do you think we can talk later?"

Mic wasn't about to let the subject of Harm slide. "Why did he promise to be back in time for the wedding?" he mused.

"He wasn't sure if he would be able to get back," she replied calmly, promising herself that she wasn't going to argue about this, no matter how much Mic pushed. "I asked him to promise that he would be here for the wedding."

"Why?"

"Why not?" Mac countered with a sigh. Calm, she reminded herself. "My uncle's in Leavenworth, Chloe's the only family I've got. The next closest thing I have to family is my friends at JAG. Harm's been there for me through a lot and it's natural that I would want him at my wedding."

"I'm your family now," Mic stressed. He thought by allowing them to say their goodbyes at the party that Harm would be firmly in her past and she would focus completely on him. If anything, she'd been increasingly distant since the party. He just had to remind her that he was the one whom loved her and whom she would be marrying in three days.

"Mic, my friends are very important to me and I want them to be at my wedding," she retorted. "All of them and that is non-negotiable. Besides, I thought you and Renee were friends and I hear that she's really looking forward to the wedding." Harm hadn't said so in so many words, but Mac suspected that Renee's desire to be at the wedding had more to do with making sure her perceived competition was out of the way than wishing Mac and Mic the best. Maybe she and Mic should get together, she thought. Renee and Mic certainly had a lot in common, including a distrust of the relationship between their significant others. Of course, that distrust come without knowing what had transpired within the last few weeks. If they knew that... Mac shook her head, trying to banish the thoughts from her mind, wondering where that wild idea had come from.

At Mic's questioning glance, she managed a smile. "Just thinking about the wedding," she told him, trying to sound like the joyous bride-to-be. It was the truth, in a way, and it certainly did the job in distracting Mic, she told herself, judging from the wide smile now on his face. "Now, I really do need to get back to work. I've got to get finished with all this and then Chloe and her father are arriving late this afternoon."

"Fine," Mic said, seemingly satisfied that he'd managed to divert her thoughts from Harm to their wedding. As she opened the door, Mic came up behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist, nuzzling her neck. Momentarily startled, Mac reminded herself to relax as she extricated herself from his arms.

"We're in the office, remember?" she pointed out quietly. She took his hand and squeezed, hoping that he was reassured that she wasn't rejecting him.

"Sorry, luv," Mic apologized. "I suppose I can wait until later and, of course, I'll have you to myself for two weeks on our honeymoon."

"Mic," she said with a sigh, shaking her head. It made her a little uncomfortable when he was overly affectionate in public, but he didn't notice, mistaking her discomfort for anticipation of when they would be alone together.

"Later, luv," Mic said, stepping out of her office. Mac was about to go back to her desk when he added, "Walk me to the elevator?" He managed to make it sound like a pleasant request, but inside Mic was bothered. She'd walked Rabb to the elevator without a second thought, but he had to remind her to extend the same courtesy to him. Too bad she wouldn't take off the rest of the day with him. Then he could work on that reminder of his place in her life.

Mac stopped and nodded, managing another smile as she gestured him to go ahead of her. As Mac walked slightly behind him, she ran her fingers along the collar of her uniform where his lips had moved over her, wishing that she felt the same tingling sensation still present on her lips from Harm's kiss earlier.

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To be continued…