"No Jasper, no more sweets before bed. Teeth now, brush them." I pointed him to his bathroom. He protested, like he always did but didn't fight me too hard on it. I watched him scamper off to go find a stuffy or something in his room. The buzzer sounded next to me and with it I was on the way to mommy's and daddy's room. Ms Alice was having a bad day, week more like it, and there was little the doctors could do for her. The nurse had left for the day so it was my newly assigned duty to watch her before daddy came home. It wasn't normal that the nanny refer to her employers as such but after Jasper called his father 'Sir', I adapted.
"Yes mom," I pushed the door open slightly and peered in. "can I get you anything?"
"Is Jasper in bed yet?" She stayed almost completely still except for a twitch in her hand.
I walked in and crouched by the bed, keeping my voice down. "He's on his way now," my hand reached for the empty water glass by her bedside. "Let me refill this before I go read him his bedtime story. Did you want me to bring him in here for it?" Her head shook no and her eyes closed. I could see the pain running through her body and I picked up her pill schedule chart. "I'll be back with your water and we can take the blue pills, they are the good ones." I got her to smirk and that was a hopeful sign that she was going to get some rest tonight. I got up, returned to Alice's bed side and eased her up to take her medicine. She was so deteriorated that it wasn't that hard to prop her up carefully and hold her for a few moments so the water and medicine could go down and wouldn't come back up.
"Thank you, I should be fine for a little bit until Peter gets home." She was about to start saying something else but drifted off. I marked off her schedule, dimmed the lights and left the room to go find what trouble Jasper had gotten himself into. I turned the corner and into his bathroom to find him running a line of toothpaste along the edge of the counter. "That's very good Jasper." I tried so hard not to laugh and covered my mouth a little. "What's daddy going to say when he finds you've wasted all of your toothpaste and made a mess?" His features dropped.
"Don't tell daddy?"
His baby blue eyes could melt stone when they looked up at me. I cringed and took the empty tube from him. "We need to replace this." I wiggled the tube at him and he nodded. "Let's get this cleaned up before daddy gets home, and you still need to get your PJ's on." He took off and I dug out some paper towels out to clean up the slime.
Once Jasper was read his story he drifted off and I went to tidy up the kitchen. Daddy wasn't home yet, his shoot was scheduled to go late tonight, I had wished he'd been home but I couldn't blame him. Home is depressing. I've been working for this couple for a few years now, they knew Alice was going to have a rough time with her treatments and good on them for planning ahead just in case. I frowned. Their just in case, me, turned out to be a 'thank God we hired her' decision. It put my own life on hold but after the years of schooling and trudging in and out of a suit filed office, this felt more rewarding. Thinking of the office, I should try to slip away soon to see what my crew was cooking up as of late to make me more money.
Within the closed confines of my room, I logged into the office system and in to my email. My mind went into business mode instantly and my fingers started flying across the keys instructing what I wanted who to do next. There were several meeting requests. I shuffled around the ones that I could attend around Jaspers play times which were schedule between the two grandmothers. The grandmothers were in a constant state of outdoing each other and wanting time to spoil Jasper but daddy laid down the law early and they could only get time and were limited to what they could buy him. I wasn't his mother so what they all decided was fine by me. It did give me more time off and considering the extra work I agreed to take on, with caring for mom, they were happy I didn't walk away like most nannies would have done. I heard the click of the lock at the front door and shut down my computer rushing to stand outside my room. Daddy was finally home and needed to be briefed on the day. His steps were slow. He was tired and with the burden of what was happening here, I wanted to be quick with this. His eyes found mine and I pressed my lips together before speaking. "Same as yesterday. She's sleeping now. The nurse will be here at 10am. Grandma Esme will be picking Jasper up for lunch at 11am and returning him by 3pm; she mentioned the library or museum? Do you want anything to eat or drink?" I sounded more like a maid or a personal assistant than a nanny and I knew it, but then again, I didn't mind.
"That's fine, I grabbed something a few hours ago. I'm turning in. Thank you." Peter dragged himself down the hall towards the spare room beside his wife's. They stopped sleeping in the same room over six months ago. It hurt Peter that he wasn't near his wife but he hated waking her up when she was sleeping or bumping into her and causing her pain. Once the media caught wind of what was happening in this household, they tried to spin some gossip around the whole illness, even calling me to pay me off for information. I certainly didn't appreciate it and with a few phone calls of my own, the supposed reporters found themselves going bankrupt paying for all their legal fees defending all the newly discovered dirt on themselves. I wasn't sorry; it was self preservation for myself as well. If anyone came too close or decided to dig into this family too much, I'd be found and that wasn't acceptable. Leaving Jasper right now would hurt him badly as well. He needed a 'mom' figure outside of his grandmothers and I was it. I didn't want to be it, but that was part of the deal with me being hired on; consistency. I watched Peter come out of Alice's room and close the door silently before going into his own room. I'd be up with him in the morning and send him off with a good breakfast; it'll be pancakes I think.
The next few days blurred into weeks and the routine stayed pretty much the same. Doctors would come and go with the same request; Alice should be moved in to the hospital. When the the shouting matches would threaten to start between the doctors and Peter or either of the grandmothers it was my job to get Jasper out of range ASAP. An ice cream shop a few doors down served the purpose well enough and the beep of my pager would bring us back with a pint of ice cream. These shouting matches were getting more frequent as Alice deteriorated. Jasper was picking up on what was happening despite our best efforts. He was five and not as a naive child as one would expect him to be. He started asking questions about mommy, when she would be getting better and be able to play with us. I was often left saying I didn't know or having daddy field the questions when he was around. I wasn't his mother or a parent and inferring my beliefs on him was beyond what I considered scope of a nanny. If I could catch either of the grandmothers before Jasper was around, I'd give them the heads up if Jasper was in an inquisitive mood that day; both of them appreciated it.
I'll never forget the day it happened. Peter had just gotten up and I was getting breakfast going in the kitchen. He called to me from her room; he always checked on her in the mornings and then usually came for food. Not that day. "She's cold; she's gone." was all he could say before shutting down. I couldn't place what I felt at that moment but I shut down as well, to a point, and went in to an automatic, take care of business mode. I called both the grandmothers first, then the hospital, then the doorman downstairs and told them to expect a rush of bodies coming in. There was an unspoken understanding we all had for this moment but I never thought I'd be living it. I called Peter's agent and pretty much informed them not to expect him in today or tomorrow. That call was going to get me into a little trouble later but seeing as they knew what was going on, I didn't expect too much of a repercussion from it. The next part was hard but needed to be done. I went in to stand beside Peter in his daze. He was frozen sitting on the bed, holding Alice's limp hand. "I should go wake him before everyone gets here." He kept his head down and nodded yes. I left and unlocked the front door before going into Jasper's room and pulled his little sleeping body from his bed and brought him to his father. I sat Jasper on Peter's lap and took off like a damn coward, justifying it as a father should be the one to tell his child that his mother has passed away. A few moments went by and a loud rapping on the door brought with it the paramedics and emergency crew but there was nothing they could do for Alice. She had wanted this; to be with her family until the very end and not be surrounded by strangers. I thought back to when I first met her when I was applying for the position; I instantly liked her. She was so full of love that you were naturally drawn to her. Jasper was his mother and a complete delight of a child.
The grandmothers arrived soon afterwards and in the flurry of activity I retreated to Jasper's room to pack an overnight bag for him just in case either of them wanted to take him away. One of them did and I slipped away to my own home for the night. I went back the next day to clean out the master bedroom while Peter dealt with all the funeral arrangements.
Things went pretty quickly after that point but we were all stuck in slow motion; almost in a zombie-like state. The media was there but kept their distance out of respect, but the zoom lenses on their cameras didn't escape my notice. I had opted to wear something that nearly covered my face so I wasn't recognized and my hair was tied back under my hat. I hovered behind the grandmothers, they took turns standing by Peter and keeping a firm hold of Jasper. Jasper was was in a state of silent tears the whole time thought the funeral service and burial. He managed to place a long stemmed white rose on his mother's casket. Jasper wanted to stay with his grandmother so I had his things ready for him.
I'm not sure how I managed to keep my eyes dry but I did; until Peter and I made it back home anyway. He must have already come to terms with losing his wife of almost ten years because he was dealing with this a lot better than I was. I could feel pieces of me slowly crumbling away as we went up the elevator until I was sobbing uncontrollably in his arms.
The sound of a phone ringing woke us both the next morning; Peter still had me in his arms and neither of us seemed to want to move. I blinked at the clothes on my bedroom floor as my mind went back to what happened. "Are you sorry?" I asked? There was a long pause and then I felt a heavy breath on my neck.
"Only if you are."
"I'm not." I wasn't. I needed what happened between us to get me through, not only this but, all the other feelings I realized I had been repressing. "People will be here soon Peter," I inched away from his hold and pulled my robe from the bedpost to slip it on, "I don't think they'd understand finding us like this." I kept my eyes forward and hurried out of my room into my bathroom so Peter could vacate it with a bit of his modesty intact. I heard him slide off my bed and quickly leave. I held my head down for some time before I lifted it to look at myself in the mirror. My eyes stood out the most; they were bloodshot and puffy. I had reddish marks over my neck and going down my shoulder; I recalled how they got there last night and hoped they'd vanish quickly. My hand found the handle of the medicine cabinet and my little ring of pills was quickly opened and one of its compartments emptied.
It took about an hour but sure enough family and friends started filling in. I had arranged for a caterer the day of so there wasn't much for me to do in the kitchen other than keeping things moving. The grandmothers were in and when they saw the state of my eyes, didn't say much and only hugged me and thanked me for thinking of things so they could focus on their son and grandson. I wouldn't say I was avoiding Peter but I did look to see where he and Jasper were every so often. Several of Peter's actor friends and their managers stayed huddled on one side of the room while the family members stayed around Jasper. I gravitated towards Jasper and made sure that he wasn't being overwhelmed by all the attention. We only needed to retreat into his room once to get away Alice's brother, Emmett, who thought it was his duty to have people laughing; it was a bit much for a five year old to comprehend.
Everyone cleared out by seven that evening and I re-tidied the kitchen after the caterers left. The closer family stayed behind to make sure the two boys were alright. Once Jasper was in his bed and asleep I approached Peter and the grandmothers, I knew what I needed to do and hoped they could see the reasoning for it. "I can't stay. I can't be the female figure in Jasper's life; it wouldn't be fair to him. Nana Esme and Renee, you two should be the woman that matter to Jasper not me, the paid help." I could see the stress brewing in Peter's eyes but he stayed silent in front of his mothers. "I've gotten too close to Jasper and it's for the best that he not transfer his affections to me now that his mother is gone." The tears started welling up in my eyes by that point. "Another nanny would be better for him at this point." I turned around and went to my room to start packing my things. Nana Esme followed behind me a few moments later.
"We still want you to stay Charlotte, you're like family to us."
She was immensely sweet but her heart was doing the talking. "You are like that to me as well but the day Peter decides to start dating or to re-marry Jasper will not give them a chance and that won't be fair to Peter ether." I continued to fold my things. "Besides, I'd love to stay in Jasper's life and come to his birthdays but I can't be the person he looks at and associates with his mother." That seemed to click with her and she dropped the subject.
"Do you have a place to go? We can't just let leave without knowing you will be alright."
"My uncle. I'll be staying with him." I found a piece of paper and wrote out his address and my cell number on it and handed it over. Esme's brows raised, she knew the address and tucked the slip away. "You and Renee should be the constants in his life, not the paid help." She left without a word when Peter came and tapped her shoulder. He waited for her to leave before speaking.
"Is it because of me, I'm..."
I cut him off quickly, I didn't want to have an awkward talk. I kept packing as I talked, the look he came in with was enough to push me back into tears again. "I said I wasn't sorry and I'm not. I'm just thinking of Jaspers best interests." I cleared my throat and lowered my voice, "I relived the most painful day of my life yesterday and having been in his position I wished someone would have thought of my best interests back then." I looked up and felt a tear start to fall over my cheek. "I can't do that to him Peter, he's a lot younger than I was and it'll be easier for him this way to deal with it. Kids are so resilient and he's got two wonderful grandmothers to get him though stuff." Peter dropped his eyes and nodded. It almost looked like he wanted to say more but him hearing my tone and reasoning he didn't.
I left that night.