I should explain something. What this arose from is a conversation with Ukaisha about why Tweek is a silly name, no parents would call their kid that, lah di dah di dah. I suggested an alternative name, and it took a few seconds for the realisation to hit her that I'd apparently hit gold. So I crapped out this little oneshot. She'll have one as well. This is not good. This does not have a great amount of effort put into it. This is a boat for an idea, not an actual story of any kind. When I say feel free to fling shit at me in the reviews, I mean it more literally than usual this time.

Consider this the only thing resembling Creek I will ever write. Probably.

Even for a child of only four years – almost five – Craig Tucker was an absolute bore. While other kids would be out playing in the snow, licking trees, eating their own shit or in the case of Kenny McCormick raiding his older brother's porn stash at what was really a worryingly early age, Craig would sit at home all day either playing spaceman on his own or playing with his guinea pig.

Quiet was the word. Or maybe it was something else.

Solitude couldn't last, though. It was the day he started preschool. And he had zero interest in actually doing anything, he was only going to shut his parents up. Maybe they'd be too interested in his little shit of a sister to notice though. That was depressing. His sister, who couldn't even use a toilet yet, got more attention than him.

Or rather, it would have been depressing if that wasn't the way Craig liked it.

He had his bag packed and ready. He had nothing better to do. Stripe was fed and watered, there was not really enough time to play spaceman. So there was nothing to do except wait. A passing glance at the mirror was had, just to make sure his hair was immaculate – even though he'd be wearing his hat he didn't want blond roots showing or anything.

Eventually, the time came. He got up and left his house, flipping off his family on the way out. The bus came, Craig got on and he sat down on an empty seat. There weren't many people on yet and Craig either didn't recognise or care about any of those on already.

At the next stop, four boys he'd already decided were arseholes got on. Two of them – one fat, one wearing a silly green hat – were at each others' throats over something or other. He knew them as Kenny's friends.

Kenny was someone he could tolerate, just about, though he was still an arsehole. He was someone who was perfectly content to just talk, Craig could ignore him, and Kenny would just make up most of the conversation as he went along. As long as Craig threw in the odd neutral sound or "Yup" every so often, he didn't even have to listen. He was an arsehole, but a nice arsehole.

Kenny came and sat next to him and the one sided conversation began. Craig ignored, Kenny talked about crude matters, all good.

Eventually they got to the school and Craig could clear his mind of the things that only he or Kenny would understand. They were directed to their class, where a teacher was ready to take roll call.

"Okay, preschoolers! Welcome to your first day!" she said enthusiastically. About two thirds of those present responded with equal enthusiasm. Craig did not.

"I'm your teacher Ms. Claridge. I just need to take roll call and then we can begin! We'll do this alphabetically…" Craig had no idea what that word meant. He didn't quite care either.

"So… Token Black?" Craig looked around and saw the only black kid in the room, one of the more enthusiastic ones, stick his hand in the air and smile infuriatingly. "Trent Boyett?" A scary looking blond boy did likewise, minus the smile.

"Kyle Broflovski?" Kenny's friend with the ridiculous hat and ridiculous hair repeated the gesture. Craig noted he hadn't been so enthusiastic. "Eric Cartman?"

That's when things got interesting. Kenny's fat friend stood up and raised his arm up at a perfect thirty degree angle and shouted "SIEG HEIL!" Kyle, behind him, kicked the back of his knee and the fat fuck fell over. Ms. Claridge stared with her mouth open for a few seconds.

"O…..kay…." Craig detected she'd be talking to someone about that later. She shook it off and moved on. "Clyde Donovan?" No answer. "Clyde?" Then she looked closely at the page she was holding. "Oh, medical leave. Clyde won't be joining us for a while because…" She trailed off. "The hell does a preschooler need a colostomy?" She shook her head a bit.

Craig had no idea what a colostomy was. But since he didn't know Clyde, he didn't trouble himself. The teacher continued. "Annie Faulk?" A blonde girl raised her hand. "Stan Marsh?" Kenny's other friend raised his hand. Craig wasn't too interested in getting to know these people but names were always a bit important.

"Kenny McCormick?" Kenny raised his hand. Craig braced himself for a lewd comment about the teacher's appearance or something, but it didn't come. Ms. Claridge hesitated a bit. "Uh…. Dog Poo Petuski?" A filthy brown haired boy who looked like he followed Kenny's brother in fashion sense raised his hand. Craig scrunched his face up in unremitting disgust just at the sight of the guy.

"Nearly there now. Bebe Stevens?" Another blonde girl stuck her hand up. "Esther Stoley?" A black haired girl raised her hand. "Kevin Stoley?" A boy who looked identical to Esther bar shorter hair and clothes waved. Twins thought Craig. "Butters Stotch?" Another person Craig recognised as the weedy one who always seemed to be grounded shyly raised his hand, staring into his own lap.

"Wendy Testaburger?" The other black haired girl in the room, one in a silly pink beret, waved and smiled in a disgustingly sweet way. "Craig Tucker?" Craig gave a half-committed wave, just enough to get noticed – he managed to suppress the reflexive flip of the bird. "Craig Tweak?"

Craig didn't quite catch the last couple of names. He turned to glare at the kid who had answered that last name.

He'd stolen the name Craig.

Nobody stole Craig's name.

Not even a jittery little blond kid who looked excruciatingly nervous had an obsession with pulling his own hair out.

Before long they were all off doing preschool things. Craig made sure nobody was watching then went up to the other Craig and tapped him on the shoulder. The kid shrieked and turned around, actually looking scared.

Some anger dissipated at that. The kid apparently had something wrong with him. "Craig Tweak, right?" Craig asked. Another shriek in response. "At recess, meet me by the flag pole. We need to talk." Then Craig went off to draw things on his own, leaving Craig shaking and wondering exactly what the fuck had just happened.

Recess came and Craig went out to wait by the school flagpole. Everyone else was out the back of the school in the playground so they had privacy. He saw the other Craig approaching, shaking like someone had left the vibrate function on. Craig noted that the boy apparently couldn't button his shirt up correctly, which made more anger turn into passive concern.

Between shrieks and twitches, Craig asked "What do you want?" Craig went to respond when he continued. "You don't want to kill me, do you? Oh man, you're going to-"

"Shut up." Craig approached the boy. A couple of inches height difference in Craig's favour made the intimidation effect very good. "Listen, Craig. You have a middle name?"

"What, why?"

"Yes or no?"

"No?" That complicated things. Craig sighed, then grabbed the boy by the shirt and pushed him into the flagpole.

"Okay. Your last name's Tweak. That's your first name now too."

"WHAT?"

"You're called Tweak."

The blond boy seemed incredibly freaked out by that. "What? But I can't have the same name twice! That's just- NGAAAH!"

Craig had pushed him up the pole a bit. "Well, why don't you spell it differently or something?"

"WHY CAN'T I GO BY MY INITALS OR SOMETHING? OH, JESUS!"

"We have the same initials," Craig informed him, as monotonously as ever. "And we're right next to each other in roll call, this is…"

He let go slightly, allowing the other Craig some air. "First thing when we're back in class, you tell the teacher you call yourself Tweak. Anywhere you put your name, you put…." He thought. "How do you spell Tweak?"

"Uh…" The boy nervously thought, difficult when being throttled against a flagpole for anyone, never mind a serial caffeine addict. "T-W-E-A-K?"

"Right then. Instead of Craig you'll put Tweek, T-W-E-E-K. Understand?"

Craig thought he saw a nod in there. It was hard to tell in amongst all the shaking. "Good." He let the kid go back to the playground, and retreated to the classroom.

Recess ended too soon for everyone else. When they got back, they all looked sad. Except for Kyle. Craig didn't see Kenny's fat friend come back – he guessed it might have something to do with the little show during roll call.

The blond Craig – Tweek, as Craig would know him by now – came in last. He managed to catch a glare from Craig, which sent him straight to the teacher. Since Tweek appeared to be whispering into the teacher's ear, a momentary doubt went through Craig. What if he was actually being a telltale about him?

But that doubt went away when the teacher nodded and stood up. "Alright, kids, Craig here's asked that you all refer to him by his last name now. Just so that there's no confusion between him and Craig Tucker." Craig nodded at the shaking boy, who promptly sat down.

One of the blonde girls spoke up – Craig hadn't bothered to remember which one was which. "But Tweak is a silly name."

Craig turned to her. "No it's not."

"Yes it is!"

"No it's not."

"YES IT-"

"No it's not. Shut up."

"Craig, be nice!" the teacher chided gently.

"But- NGAHm being nice!"

"Not you, Tweak, Craig Tucker be nice." Craig, meanwhile, was very lightly bashing his head on the table. Of course it wouldn't be that simple. Things never were that simple.

The day dragged on at an excruciatingly slow pace. There was a lot of free rein with stuff to do, as the class was being eased into education – the first couple of weeks was going to be a piece of piss. But the thing was he didn't have his guinea pig with him.

The lunch break eventually rolled around, slowly, pressed onto the front of a steamroller with engine issues. Craig made a point of sitting on an empty table to eat his lunch, but Kenny joined him after about five seconds. He was swiftly followed by his arse hole friends. Craig ignored them.

He was vaguely aware of Kyle and the fat boy arguing and Kenny talking vulgar stuff at him. A glance across the table confirmed Stan to be equally bored with the drama from the Jew and the fatass and the dirty talk coming from Kenny. Were it not for past experiences Craig might have taken that as a positive sign.

It was an incentive, at least, to eat quickly. Which Craig did. Then he left the four horsemen of the apocalypse to do whatever it was they did when Kenny didn't have someone to talk about tits to who wouldn't immediately go "EWWWWWWWW!" and run away.

He got out to the school yard and picked a corner to sit in for a while. Nobody paid attention to him, he paid attention to nobody. That was the way the world should work. He could just stay on his own and lose himself daydreaming about more important things he could be doing. Things like…

Well, it didn't matter what it was he'd be doing, the point was there were better places that he could be.

Unfortunately, he got broken from his little trance after a quarter hour by a commotion on the other side of the yard. It wasn't just some argument over trading cards or marbles, half of the school was gathered around. And in the middle, Craig could make out a sweltering mass of blubber in a red jacket.

This he had to see. He went over and pushed through the amassed people that he didn't know or care to know about to take stock.

Cartman was there, getting the shit kicked into him by Kyle. Nothing new there, but what was new was Tweek being in the middle of it all, having a huge spazz out. Kenny was watching a little along the circle of onlookers – Craig slipped along to talk to him. "The hell?"

"Fatass tried to have a go at Tweek because his nickname was silly or some shit. Kyle disagreed." Craig nodded then stepped forward. Kyle was just about done going over Cartman, so Craig decided to have a go.

Unlike Kyle, though, there was no alleged friendship holding Craig back. As Cartman got up, Craig grabbed his collar and punched him – hard and in the face. Cartman yelped and fell right back down.

"What the fuck!"

Craig remained very calm and collected, something he was unmatched at. "Is his name silly?"

"Yes! I- AGH!" Craig stamped down on Cartman's gut a couple of times.

"Is his name silly?" he asked again.

"What the fACK!" Craig's foot was on Cartman's neck and pushing down now.

"Is it?" he asked, not even shouting. He was just being a bit more pointed about it now. Cartman nodded a bit too quickly. Craig stepped away and dragged Tweek up "Flagpole," he whispered once they were out of the crowd. And even Craig had to say, hearing Cartman crying in the middle of a circle of onlookers was rather amusing.

They got to the flagpole. Tweek looked scared again. "What do you want?" he asked, in that usual fast screeching high pitched way of his. Before Craig could even get a syllable in, Tweek continued. "You don't want to kill me do you? Oh Jesus, what if you do? What'll my p-"

"Tweek!" Craig said firmly. There was a scream in response. That was close enough. "Are you alright?" he asked.

"What?" came the reply. Tweek, having been running so many worst case scenarios through his head, was caught off guard.

"Are you alright? Not hurt, nothing like that?"

"Who's that guy?" Tweek asked, worried. Craig turned and saw Token coming his way – he was easy to spot. Purple sweater aside, he was the only black kid around.

"Hey, is Tweek alright?" he asked when he got there.

Craig nodded. "Think so." He thought for a second, but Token got there first.

"You think we should, you know, keep an eye on him?" Craig turned to Tweek, and once again thought he detected a nod.

"Yeah, good idea." First impressions of Token weren't bad. He didn't seem like the kind of person Craig would start off every sentence to with 'Listen here you little shit' or anything along those lines.

The bell rang, class resumed. Token and Craig stayed with Tweek throughout class, and Craig got some happiness out of the fact Cartman turned up thirty minutes late after a visit to the nurse to see about his face.

The downside was, the class now had to sit through a tedious story time session and it was going to be one of those horrible kids' books that was about nine parts pictures to one part story, and the story would be unbearably happy. Token seemed to enjoy it – Craig had feared that. Still, he could be mature enough when the time called.

Craig's tastes called for something a bit more mature and realistic. Reading was something he had a passing interest in. He wasn't going to ask for Moby Dick or anything, in part because it was too difficult but mostly because Kenny would never shut up about the title, but something nice and easy to read that wasn't just a stupid story about a dog getting lost would be welcome. Not Charles Dickens, Mark Twain, Victor Hugo, any of those posh bastards. Just something…. Consequential.

Or something like that, anyway, Craig wasn't really listening.

The day continued to drag, drag and drag. Craig had decided that preschool was not for him, but he didn't have a choice in the matter did he? He was stuck in a class full of annoying little shits he didn't care about.

Still, he'd found two people – one who he'd landed himself in shit with because of a forced nickname change that other people found to be worth bullying him over – or rather, one other person who was a certified arsehole – and one who'd taken his side.

It could even be three people. Token had said that he was good friends with Clyde, the kid who was getting whatever that operation was called and so wasn't there.

That was something. Over the course of the afternoon, Tweek had even managed to calm down a bit. Turned out he was an alright guy.

Then the bell rang. At long last, they could go. Craig, Token and Tweak left together, only pausing for a toilet stop. When they got to the school's door, though, they found their path blocked by four boys Craig recognised a bit too well.

Stan was the first to speak. "Why'd you hit fatass?" That appeared to annoy Cartman some.

Craig felt Token and Tweek glance at him. He had his answer ready. "Kyle was doing it."

"Yeah," Kyle said. "He said things about the Jews. Why'd you hit him?"

Kenny, behind them, displayed gloved palms and said "I'm not part of this, I'm leaving." He did so. Okay, maybe Craig was harsh on him categorising him as an arsehole.

That still left three people. "He seemed to be picking on Tweek," Craig said monotonously.

"Yeah," Cartman spat, "because his name's fucking stupid!" A shriek from behind Craig confirmed Tweek was getting a bit nervous.

Token threw his thoughts out there. "Hey, if he wants to be called Tweek, let him. Nothing wrong with it."

"Ms. Claridge said he was called Craig. What's wrong with that?" Kyle asked.

"I'm using that name. Tweek's got a nickname. That's all fine. Now get out of our way." Craig was levelling glares at all of them now.

"Give us Tweek," Stan said, his tone getting dangerous. Craig knew exactly where they were going with that – they didn't mean literally giving him to them, they just wanted free rein to rip on him for his nickname.

And fuck if Craig was about to allow that. He stepped forward – and so did Token – and got between Tweek and the arseholes. Not that it reassured Tweek, who in the background was going off on one about what if they were going to sell him into slavery. He appeared to be taking it literally.

Craig cocked his head slightly. "No."

There were a few moments. Kyle was the first to relent. "Guys, let's just go, leave these assholes alone." He turned around and left, Stan quickly following with a disgruntled sigh.

Cartman wasn't so eager, and held the glare for a while longer. Once Stan and Kyle were gone, Craig went up to him. "You ever touch Tweek again. I will kill you."

Silence. Then Cartman backed off, with genuine fear in his eyes. Craig heard the tears start the moment the doors had shut. He turned to the others and gave them a very rare smile.

"I think we can be friends," he offered. The other guys smiled back at him. Token spoke.

"We can go back to my place if you like, I've got video games."

"D'you have coffee?" Tweek asked in a suspiciously urgent way. Token nodded. Tweek looked at Craig - Craig nodded too. Another smile was shared.

Then they left.