It's one of those nights. She's entirely too worked up to sleep and entirely too exhausted to even be able to fathom doing anything else. Nine years ago, she'd have called him and offered him dinner and coffee- tea on her end. Somewhere toward the end, their relationship had grown strained. She places it somewhere around the time he'd decided to return home, but she'll never admit that. She misses him, of course she does. And she hates herself for it. Partners weren't forever, that was something she knew, but a part of her couldn't help but hope.
She picks up her phone and sees that she has one missed call.
Ed Tucker.
It's nice, the thing she has going with him. It's surprisingly comfortable, surprisingly easy, to forget about the many times he'd relentlessly pursued her career and fall into the unknown with him. But she knows that he can't offer her what she needs right now. There's only one person who can.
She's dialing his number before she can think about it, before she can analyze the pros and cons. It rings once, twice, three times, and he answers on the fourth ring.
"Hello." and she senses the hesitation in his voice. It doesn't sound particularly drowsy, and she briefly muses over the fact that he'd been lying awake at-she glances at the clock on her bedside table-a little after three a.m. She wonders why for a fleeting moment, but her thoughts are interrupted by a second "Hello", and she's unable to answer right away. Needs time to collect her thoughts. Seconds pass, but it feels like hours as she finally settles on "Hi"
"Liv-" he starts, and her breath catches in her throat at the sound of her name being passed through his lips.
"Can you meet me?"she asks quickly before she loses her nerve.
The cool April breeze chills her. She'd been reluctant to disturb Noah, but hadn't wanted to give Elliot her new address. Hadn't wanted to relinquish that control. She's silently thankful that he's remained asleep the entire time.
After Elliot had agreed to meet her, she'd given him the address to a park near her new apartment that she and Noah frequented. Now as the air nips at her ears and nose, she regrets not having stayed home.
She checks her watch for the fifth time since she'd arrived-it's been five minutes. She turns to the right and stares down the trail, and she feels him before she sees him.
He quietly sidles up next to her on the park bench. She doesn't turn to face him, not right away. Just revels in the familiarity of his body next to hers. A minute ticks by before she straightens, staring straight ahead.
He clears his throat before he speaks.
"Hey."and it's so very casual that tears begin to pinprick, and she wants to close her eyes against it all, but she resists.
"Hey."she breathes, managing, just barely, to keep the emotion from her tone. Out of her peripheral she sees him toying with his fingers, a clear sign of his discomfort.
"Liv I…I'm sorry."he begins. His eyes bore holes into the side of her head, and she wants to laugh.
"For what?" she asks, even though she knows. Of course she knows. She just wants to hear it from him.
"For everything."he admits.
She chooses then to turn and face him. Her brown eyes meet with his blue ones momentarily before they begin to rove. She takes in his appearance. His hair is even shorter than she recalls, if that's possible. A full mustache and beard don his face, and there are crinkles around his eyes and his mouth- from him smiling more often, she concludes.
He's doing it now. Very subtly, he smiles at her. His teeth aren't exposed, but it reaches his eyes, and it's one of the most beautiful things she's ever seen, she decides.
She wants so badly to be upset with him, but she can't. For the life of her, she can't because she's missed him so damned bad. She has so many questions. She wants to ask about his life these past five years. His children, Kathy-
Kathy. Her eyes travel to his ring finger that rests against his thigh only to find it bare. She decides not to mention it.
"Who's this?"he asks gently, motioning to a sleeping Noah, who she holds in her arms.
"This," she pauses to shift him to nestle in the crook of her right arm so that he can get a better look at him,"is Noah."
The questions that he doesn't voice flash in his eyes and she saves him by offering up an explanation. "A victim's son. I officially adopted him about a year ago."
He nods his understanding, and a pregnant silence follows.
"You happy?"he asks, looking away, anywhere but at her, and she answers immediately.
"Yes."
"Are you seeing anyone?" he asks abruptly, and it's unexpected. Her eyebrows raise in surprise. He's never been gun-shy before, no. But this was different. Their personal lives were never recurrent topics of discussion. She answers slowly.
"I am."and she's unable to keep the humor from her voice.
"Anyone I know?" he prods.
"Actually, yes. Ed Tucker ring any bells?" he's visibly stirred by her admission and the makings of a smile tug at the corners of her lips.
"Tucker." she watches him mull it over for a while, his hand coming up to scratch his jaw. "Lucky son of a bitch." and his words are barely perceptible.
Her brows raise for the second time tonight in disbelief. This Elliot is new. There are no holds barred, she realizes.
"Elliot?" she whispers his name as a question, and it's the first time she's dared to utter it in so long. She waits for him to acknowledge the fact that she's spoken before she continues. "Why?"she doesn't feel the need to elaborate, just allows her question to permeate the air around them and stares at him, awaiting his answer. She knows that he'll know, a half of a decade later, he'll know.
He opens his mouth, but the words fail him, so he closes it again.
"I couldn't…..I just couldn't." he settles on, and she accepts it. They fall into a comfortable silence before he brings up the inevitable.
"I should've been there."and it's all there in his cadence-the pain, the regret. She feels the urge to cry again because she knows exactly what "there" he was referring to.
"I wanted you to be. So badly."she exhales slowly when she says it. Finally lets it out. She wonders why the fuck she goes to therapy because sitting here with him on a park bench at four in the morning is more salubrious than any session she can recall.
"I would've killed him."she doesn't doubt it.
More silence.
"I've missed you."she breathes, not in a rush to fill it. She just feels that it's something he needs to know.
"Liv, you gotta know-when I left, it wasn't…I didn't intend to hurt you. I just…I needed to get out. The job wasn't what it used to be."
"Like it or not, Elliot, I was the job."the tears are brimming now, and she's avoiding the eye contact he's desperately trying to make.
"Olivia. Liv, look at me."she does. "You were never just the job for me. We both know that. You were-you were everything."his voice cracks towards the end, and it's all too close. Too much.
She meets his eyes again and she knows what he's going to do before he does it. Like she always has. She doesn't do anything to stop it, just allows it to happen. His lips are slightly chapped when they brush against hers, lightly at first, then more urgent. It's nothing like she'd imagined it, yet it's perfect in every aspect- everything and nothing at the same time. She feels the tears as they breach. Her eyes drift to a close, and she's perfectly content with his lips pressed to hers and her son tucked neatly into her arms.