It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, aside from giving Henry to Emma when I broke Pan's curse. Harder than killing my own father; harder even than losing Daniel, though that one ranked up there as well. I had promised that I'd protect, and I didn't want to back out of that promise. That wasn't what heroes did. Sometimes, I really missed being a villain.

But as I look over the form of my stepdaughter who stands outside the room with me, I realize that that isn't true. Not really. She was once the person I hated most in this world- in any world. And now, we were friendly. She would call us family, but I'm not ready to let myself be forgiven entirely. I have much to atone for. I suppose this is part of my punishment.

He's in there. With her. The man who was my destined soulmate, the one I love beyond all comprehension. He's in there, with my sister, giving birth to his... to their child. After learning about the child a mere few weeks ago, I'd had a moment of rejection. I'd wanted nothing to do with it. Nothing to do with him, with her, with them. (Because they were a they now, no matter if they wanted to be, no matter how much I didn't like it. The life that he had helped create in her was enough to activate every feeling of paternal protection and honor that resides within him, and how I wish his eyes lingered over my stomach like that... But I digress.) After some time, I'd come to believe that this was just as much my child as theirs. After all, he was my soulmate. Didn't his children somehow automatically belong to me by virtue of that?

However, out here, in this hallway, I questioned. If I was more to that child than an aunt, wouldn't I be in there? I mean, I could have helped magically if something went wrong, or cast a protection spell -yes, Emma had dark magic now, but she was still rather untrained. The Dark One was my teacher, my mentor. I knew the tricks and how to navigate the dark arts better than most, even if I chose to operate in the light now. I guess that was why I was out here though, trying to stand guard and failing miserably, and also trying to avoid Snow's sympathetic looks. I didn't need sympathy. I didn't want it. This whole problem was because of me. Zelena, Emma becoming the Dark One. If people just stopped-

No. I can't think of that right now. My guilt is already eternal. Guilt and regret. I regret so much.

I can hear Zelena screaming, and Whale coaching her to push, and I wish I could use some sort of dampening spell, but I have to know if Emma somehow poofs her way in; I have to listen. I need to be responsible, be good... Zelena's screams melt into that of a newborn's, and something inside my heart simultaneously warms and deadens. I feel a rip, and then cold, like someone has drenched me in ice water. Somewhere, I hear Whale announce that it's a girl. My focus softens, and I see the light minty-blue colored door blur. Another child that will never be fully mine. I have Snow, Henry, Roland, and now... her. I wonder how many I can collect, and I think of the ones I tried to collect before; Hansel and Gretel, Owen... A gaggle of children for the childless queen.

"I can't believe it's come to this." Snow slowly makes her way towards me, her hands crossed in front of her in a show of solidarity. "Am I really helping Zelena?" And am I possibly shooting myself in the foot here? What if all it takes is one look at his daughter, and Robin decides that it doesn't matter what she's done? Zelena can give him something that I can't, and while I'm not delusional enough to think that he loves her, I also am not sure where he stands on children. Does he want more? He doesn't even know that I can't-

"It's the right thing to do, Regina," Snow assures me, and of course it is. Of course the right thing to do is always what hurts me. Why couldn't the right thing be for once to obliterate the snarking she-hulk of a sister into dust? I should have done that back after we captured her the first time. I should have just-

God. Was this how I was? If I was as big of a pain in the ass to Snow, Charming, and the others as Zelena is to me, I don't know why I'm standing here today. Maybe I sh-

Snow interrupts my thoughts once more. "Are you ready to meet the newest member of your family?" And I want to laugh, to cry, to throw up. This child isn't mine, and even though Zelena is my sister, I don't think either one of us would say we're close. I don't think that's ever going to change. She's too wild. I used to be wild, but mine was borne from grief. Grief lessens over time. Hers is from envy, and I don't know how to stop making her envious of the fucked up life I lead.

"Honestly?" My voice is carefully controlled, because I know the fear, the apprehension, the anxiety, and the absolute unfairness of it all would make it waver, and I don't want to cry. I've cried enough about this pregnancy, and I just... can't. "I don't know."

I don't want to move. Moving means being somewhere that isn't where I am, and where I am is starting to look a whole lot more appealing than inside that room where, just minutes ago, I'd so desperately wanted to be. I'd wanted to be part of it, not coming in after to witness the happy family. I felt disgusted with my thoughts, but at the same time, like I had the right to think them. I'd had the conversation with Robin- about what he would have done had it really been Marian with him to cross the town line, and if he'd really gotten her pregnant. The answer, of course, was stay in New York, and that would have been that. I understand his honor, but sometimes, I dream about what it would feel like to be put first in someone's life.

Sentiments of a fool. Carrying on.

I slowly walked around the corner and saw Doctor Whale handing a pink bundle to Robin, and the look of elation on his face was so deep, so joyful. Zelena was watching them, and even she had a little grin on her face -she hadn't noticed me yet- and I felt physically ill; hot and cold, and then hot again, and sweat was running down the back of my neck, and I was getting dizzy, and I didn't want to go in. I didn't want to see that joy, because joy and me... we aren't friends. We don't last together, we never have. But Snow pushes me a little, and I want to turn around and strangle her, but she's right, even though she hasn't said anything. I need to face this. If it ends in heartache, well... better that it's done soon, right?

With a bunch of sharp-clawed kittens -maybe dragons- pouncing and knocking into the walls of my stomach, I lifted my hand and knocked on the wall, and every eye in the room snapped to me.