She knows she shouldn't be doing this but it's become a habit she cannot fathom bringing to an end. Maybe it's the honest smile she's on the receiving end of more often than not. Or maybe it is the scent that lingers a bit too boldly after they've spent their bodies entwined as one. But if anything is certain, it's that this is more than a physical connection. It's more than just sex as Regina had put it too bluntly one too many times for it to ever be just sex. For Regina, at least. For Emma, it's Regina entirely that she craves and loves. It's her knack of losing hope too quickly, the undying love given freely to their son, the commitment placed into proving herself to everyone, and the constant need to give more than Regina actually has.
But in bringing her over the edge one more time, Emma sees her face and it is nothing but pleasure. Rid of all pasts, unease, pain, guilt, doubt. Only brief seconds of calm remain. She usually keeps her eyes closed and it's easier to see the brunette's resolute attempts to forget everything yet there are those rare moments that Regina keeps her eyes open and their eyes finally meet. It's in those shared moments that their gazes connect, that she feels what this truly means. At least, to Emma. But she can see the feeling returned in those shining, delirious, dark brown eyes though she knows Regina won't ever voice it like she will one day.
"This is the last time," Regina whispers in between pants after a few hours spent with Emma. Now they rest next to one another. Always an inch separating their bodies because cuddling isn't what they do. Sex is what they do. In secret.
The words still ring in her head every time they meet each other during the early hours of darkness. The words haunt her while they're apart. The words create their own essence of life, of contradiction that perfectly describes her predicament that she can't seem to stop. And Emma doesn't want to stop. She's in love with Regina.
"I love you."
It slipped out during one of her many moans of Regina's name as she was driven to pure bliss. She's too gone but still, she heard herself say it and knew Regina did too. But if Regina heard, she didn't show it. Regina's tongue eased her off her high and she slung an arm over her eyes. She felt Regina's mouth trail small kisses over her hip and those same hands that gave her immense pleasure soothe her thighs.
"I'm sorry–" Emma whispers in between deep breaths.
"Don't." She heard her farther away. Regina had just gotten there but Emma felt the bed dip and heard her light footsteps to the bathroom. She heard the sink run for a while and then the brunette came out with a fresh layer of lipstick, mascara, and foundation. Those brown eyes wouldn't look at her but green ones peek under a pale arm and see her step into her slacks and redo the buttons on her shirt. She sees her grab her remaining belongings and open her mouth to say something. Emma beats her to it.
"You'll call me, I know."
Dark tresses tumble as she nods, steps out of the small room, and soon the apartment door is heard closing.
It's hours later until Emma gets up, naked and tired, and steps into the shower. Out of all the reactions she imagined Regina having after telling her she loved her, this was never one of them. She knew she wouldn't say it back but Emma thought she'd be let off easy, to be rejected and have the brunette end the affair completely. But ignore it and continue as if nothing happened? Possibly worse than anything her head could have come up with. Of course, Emma hadn't expected to say it now but it's a reflex and she needs her to know that.
She hadn't allowed herself to cry for Regina in all the time she's known she's loved her and had begun this fucked up relationship. But tonight, it didn't matter. It was out there now and it wasn't even acknowledged.