Epiphanies by Camilla

Summary

This story is the second installment of the series "growth". It tells what happens in Edward's mind and still heart from the night in the tent to the end of Eclipse. Differently from other authors, I don't see Edward collapsing psychologically. I see him having different positive epiphanies, so that at the end he is much more mature.

Epipanies, by Camilla10

Story note:

I have to thank a number of people both for editing and for helping me to fine tone content; they are Master of the Boot, Callieforniabenches and Jshay.

Edward

When there were no more tears, Bella eventually slept. My shirt was completely drenched, and I welcomed the feeling because I knew what her tears meant: closure.

Holding her, I tried to process all that had happened from the moment I had set up the tent in the mountain and had waited for Jacob Black to bring Bella back to me. It had been almost physically painful, to wait while that dog carried my whole world with him.

That night, there had been my hellish misery, when she was freezing and I had to consent that Jacob kept her warm, going into the sleeping bag with her. I wanted nothing more than to tear him apart then and there, but it was what she needed, so I remained where I was, seething. I had to suffer his lusty thoughts; I had to see into his head what he would have liked to do with her. And I had to acknowledge that, should she want him to, he could make love to her with no limits, with full abandon. I could never allow myself to do the same if she remained human, so the choice was either to wrench her soul away or to give her just a pale reflection of the passion I felt for her. Oh yes, we would try…I had promised and I would do it. The craving for it was gnawing at my insides, despite the restraint I knew I would have to exert. But, I would be denying her the very essence of the human experience she wanted to have, when two lovers get lost in each other. With Jacob she could have it. As much as I hated him, particularly in that moment, when he was doing for her what I could not do, I knew that for human Bella he was the better choice, and it tore my heart in two. Part of me wanted to rip her from his grasp, for him to never lay eyes on Bella again, yet the other part wanted her to be with him, where she could be in comfort.

But she loved me… that also I knew, and so I let the night pass. Warm, Bella finally drifted towards slumber in the arms of my wide awake rival. He was fed up with my mind reading, so he dared me to reciprocate. Since he could not read my thoughts, he asked me to make them explicit for him, thus allowing him into my mind, in a manner of speaking.

I felt then that we were like two knights of another age, dueling for our Lady's love and owing each other complete courtesy, before one pierced the heart of the other.

So I gave in. I told him the truth. I admitted to my jealousy, to my insecurity. I let him know why I had left her and why that had been a terrible mistake, and why, because we could not exist apart, I had finally consented to her wish and I was going to let her join me in immortality. This pained me still, but I would do it. Knowing that Jacob would have been, for Bella, a healthier option, I told him that I would accept it, if she did choose him. I would do anything she wanted. I was completely and forever at her mercy. Keep her or let her go, standing on the side, trying to be happy only because she would be happy. It was nearly impossible to contemplate, but I told him I would do that. And, I reminded him with some malice, he had not imprinted on her. If he ever imprinted, I would have my chance again.

Jacob's thoughts were full of uncertainty. He knew her well. He would continue to try and make her choose him, but he feared he had already lost. Maybe it was the fact that Bella did not define him, as she now totally defined me. He would not have, for instance, renounced to the fight with the newborns, had she asked him. She knew that. I had chosen to desert my family because I knew she needed me with her, and I cared for Bella more than he did. For this also, and not only for this, she loved me more, whatever she might feel for Jacob.

I basked in this knowledge and waited for the morning to come. I think it might have been the only thing keeping me in control through the night, with him all over Bella. When they awoke, Jacob and I had a stupid almost-fight, but we were able to calm down, for Bella's sake. We both knew that our truce was over, but we understood each other better now. He respected me more, and I could not despise him, as I had in the past.

Before he left to join his pack, I made a mistake. Bella and I were still inside the tent, but I knew that he could hear us. To revenge myself of the hell I had had to endure, I played dirty and had a conversation with Bella meant for Jacob's ears. I made her recall our best moments, and I clubbed him with that knowledge ... he did not know of our impending marriage, and it devastated him, making him run away.

I knew instantly that I shouldn't have done it, because Bella rushed into a typical guilt trip. She felt she had hurt Jacob again and again, leading him on, while she loved another. I kicked myself for hurting her, by causing this blame she placed on herself. Now, she wanted to go after him, to console him. So I went to find the damn dog, and brought him back, making myself scarce, to grant them privacy. My knightly armor was surely shining

I was not visible, but my nobility did not go so far as to allow for me to miss what was happening. Jacob played dirtier than I had. He used a trump card, the 'hero going to seek death since she does not love him' one. Bella fell for it thoroughly, as she was too innocent not to believe him. So, desperate for him to return alive from the battle with the newborns, she asked him to kiss her. And their kisses were passionate ones. But, when he left, I could see in his mind that he was not at all sure of his victory.

I felt surprisingly calm. The worst had happened, and yet I was still sure she loved me more. The desperation she demonstrated when I went back to her was proof of it. She felt tainted; she wanted to be punished, because she wanted to be mine, not his. She felt that to be submitted to my rage, to be fully reviled, would cleanse her, would make her again fit for me, because it was me that she wanted, not him. She belonged to me, whatever piece of her heart Jacob held. It was my fault that he did, and I wasn't sure I'd ever forgive myself for that, but the part I held was enough.

I was still trying to make her understand my epiphany, when I sensed Victoria and another vampire approaching. I congratulated myself for another master plan gone to the devil. Now, only I and a very young and inexperienced wolf stood between Bella and death.

I braced myself for the fight, trying to distance my feelings, lest my fear for her undermined my strength. In that moment, something clicked in my mind. I would never, never be able to protect her, if she remained human. I had promised to protect her countless times, but obviously it was not possible. The fact that she was still living was a miracle, but for how long can you rely on miracles? If she remained human, she would die young, she would never be able to have the normal life I had hoped for her. It was too late. The association with me had already produced its poisoned fruits, and would continue to do so. Even if she escaped death this time, there would be another time, and another…

So, I would change her with no regrets. I would do it not only because she wanted it, and I had promised, not only because the Volturi had ordered it, and certainly not because in the darkest corner of my dead heart I wanted it too. But because it was the only course, as my family had told me many times. I had been a fool. A great calm washed over me, and I was ready for Victoria and Riley. I had never been more ready, or sure, of anything. I could do this for Bella, protect her one last time as a human, and then give her what she needed to survive.

Seth was a surprisingly good fighter, brave and cunning beyond his years. Riley was finished off, and only Victoria remained. While we feinted and circled I felt her scorching hate, her rage when she realized she was unable to get at Bella bypassing me. But, she was a coward, so she was going to run away, and try again. That was her talent. Hell, I was not going to let her escape anymore.

When my lips touched Victoria skin and my teeth severed her flaming head from the neck, I felt a satisfaction akin to sensual pleasure. Monster? Yes, I was that also. And Bella had seen it all, as well as what Seth and I had to do afterward, to make sure that Victoria and Riley would not rise again. I had avoided looking at her until after, afraid of the revulsion and fear I would see, scared I may have just driven her straight back to Jacob. But she was not afraid of me, she did not look at me with horror, she was only concerned about my wellbeing. Minutes before, she had tried to save me, had tried to spill her blood in order to distract Victoria and give me an advantage in the fight.

Who had ever been loved so much?

In the distant clearing, the newborns had been defeated and burned, but Jacob had almost died, to save Leah. Whatever he had said to Bella, he had not been trying to get himself killed intentionally. It was an accident, but it almost did him in, as many of his bones had been crushed. The pain that went through the pack, that I, because of my mind reading also experienced, was blinding. On hearing of it, Bella swooned, and then would have rushed to his side, but there was another ordeal in store for us. We had to confront a group of warriors from Volterra, headed by Jane, before we could rest. They had come to take care of the newborns, hoping to arrive just a little too late, enough for us to be destroyed. It was a big disappointment for them to find the Cullens victorious and unscathed. Moreover, because they did not know of our alliance with the wolves, we must have looked truly dangerous to them. They left, having disposed of the last surviving newborn, despite Carlisle's plea to spare her, since she had surrendered… Clearly we were not safe from the Volturi yet, and we were reminded with no possible misunderstanding that Bella's human life had to terminate quite soon. Well, I had already made my peace with that.

A soon as she could, Bella went to see Jacob, who was already on the mend. All I could do was wait, and be there for her when she returned, be whatever she wanted or needed. When she came back she was broken, and cried desperately, first in her truck, that I had to drive because she was helpless, and then later, in her room, drenching me. She had told Jacob that she had chosen me, and her choice was final. More, her choice had never been in doubt; she wanted me and wanted to be my mate for the eternity.

I knew that she was not only renouncing Jacob that night, she was also releasing her hold on human life. I was not surprised that she cried; her tears were more precious than diamonds, because she had finally grasped the enormity of what she was letting go, but she was going to do it all the same. For me. I was humbled and I had never loved her more than I did that night.

The day after, I was so overwhelmed by the strength of Bella's feelings for me that I started thinking of what I could do for her in return, to make her happier. And I thought that I could give back her freedom. I should never have demanded marriage as a price. She would marry me when and if she was ready for it; I would change her when she was ready for it, immediately, if she asked. I would free her of all her obligations and I would make love with her now, I was as done with waiting as she was.

I was aware of the ambiguity, certainly I was not going to do it only for her, my need was almost out of control, and yet I felt that I would indeed be able not to hurt her. I could never hurt my love again.

But she said no.

We were in our meadow; she was in my arms, warm, soft, alive. So fragile, so alluring… we were kissing, and I was not restraining myself anymore, finally allowing my desires to surface, feeling her surprise and her excitement.

But she said no.

I almost felt rejected, but then she explained. She said that it was better to wait, to do everything properly, to marry as planned, and to make all our loved ones as happy as possible, before coming together as man and wife. I knew she believed she was doing what I really wanted.

I was amazed, Bella never ceased to surprise me. I had let myself go, and now my urges would be more difficult to keep in check than before, but I was strangely happy too. She knew me better than I knew myself; she knew that despite my willingness to make love to her, deep inside I agreed with her. We would wait. It was the right choice for us. And, because she loved me so much, she was prepared to deny herself, willing to accept my possibly foolish, old fashioned values and to make them her own, just for me.

She was the keeper of my soul.

Endnote

I don't know if I managed to describe convincingly what I believe is Edward's psychological state at the end of Eclipse. I agonized over this story for a long time, and this is the final product. Please review and tell me what you think.